Don't know what to do!!
I'm 20 and I'm really unhappy with everything!! I hate my life, I hate my job and I hate myself. I have extremely low self confidence!! I was bullied as a child and when I was 15 I got into an abusive relationship which I found extremely hard to get out of! He constantly put me down, saying I looked like a rat with no make up on and asked why I couldn't look like other girls. He made me do things I wasn't ready for and I had to 'earn' things. He cheated on me all the time and he even cheated on me with my 'best friend' when I went away for a week. It ruined me! I hate myself so much and it's affecting the way I live my life. I'm currently living with my boyfriend and I love him to pieces but I just can't stop being so paranoid about everything!! I'm really worried that he's going to leave me for someone better than me and I hate the fact that I feel like that, whenever he goes out with friends I secretly don't want him to go just incase!! It's making me so unhappy and it's not that I don't trust him I just know he could do better than me. I'm always conscious of the way I look when I go out in town, everybody looking at me and judging me. It's really tearing me apart and I just don't know what to do!! I'm sorry to go on, but I've wanted to get it off my chest for so long but never could confide in anyone!! I'm just so fed up of feeling so low.
Why do you hang on to the past in your present relationship?
You keep "watering your bad seeds." No wonder they grow!!
Perhaps you are not ready for a relationship. It is unfair to him to bring all your woes from the past and make him re-live them.
Get some help - or get out.
Lulu, when a child is scared of darkness what do we do? Tell the child yes since darkness scares you don't go inside any dark room? No, we force the kid to go into the room reassuring the child that nothing will happen, I am just here , isn't it? Just like that there are 2 sides to you. It is the scared, insecure child in you thats paranoid of your boyfriend going out and self conscious about herself when she is out. Throw out your past. Now you are a 20 year old, not a 15 year old kid who is scared and doesn't know what to do. Reassure the kid in you that you are big now and perfectly capable of handling your emotions come what may! When you boyfriend goes out and the child in you starts to panic, reassure yourself that you trust your boyfriend and everyone is not the same as the abusive person. When you go out and start feeling self conscious, remind yourself there are so many women who look worse than me. I look just fine. Just coz an abusive person tells me I look like a rat, I don't become one! He said that so he could control me and play with me. Now I am big enough to understand that. Keep reassuring yourself everytime and in some time you will get over all this.
If you continue as you are, you are sure to lose this boyfriend.
First off, your previous boyfriend sounds like a real piece of work. Sounds like your choice in men is about like mine, hun. That's unfortunate indeed. You know you deserved much better than him, right?! I cant tell just by reading your post what a great person you are. I have been in a similar situation...I dated at guy at 17 and gave him 3 years of my life. He put me down A LOT, and since, my self confidence has took a nose dive, day by day. As for your new relationship, honey...you can't bring old baggage into this VERY NEW, young relationship. It just wont work if you do. I have tried bringing baggage into my new relationship and learned very quickly that NO MAN will put up with that. You have been hurt, yes. Your last boyfriend was a jerk, and didn't deserve you. Don't push this new guy away. Get involved in some activities...sports or clubs or just go out with girlfriends occasionally. Once you put yourself out there, you wont be so insecure when he goes out. I also have learned this. Also, remind yourself that youre not that special to everyone...when you go out, not everyone is staring at you, judging you (thank goodness right? that would be weird) and could care less what you look like or what youre doing. That's what I tell myself when I'm in public and fearing others staring. I think "why do they care? oh yeah...they don't!" But regardless, you sound like a great person, someone that ANY GUY would be lucky to have, so keep your chin up and forget your past (easier said than done, right?) because your future will likely have great things in store for you =) Best wishes