I have been with my boyfriend a little over a year now, he makes me happy and we tell each other we love one another often. But when I am alone I begin to start doubting us and if what we have is "true love" and whether I am actually in love with him or just the thought of him. Our relationship already has a messy history too. The incidents are: I have made out with 2 guys on 2 different occasions both where I was very drunk. I told him about both times and he forgave me each time, but I still and always will feel like a terrible person for doing that to him. Then on NYE we went to a different city with some of my friends. It was just a messy night, 2 friends got sick and one of my guy friends kept trying to pull me onto the dance floor with him instead of letting me dance with my boyfriend. He is not a partier so he ended up hating the whole night. He woke me up at 7 am to drive home with him cuz he was so done from this event, I had to get my car and drive back to go and get my friends later. The whole way home he belittled me and talked bad about my friends. Which I had told my friends about. When we got home he broke up with me, which lasted a whole 3 days before he wanted me back. So after the second incident of me cheating on him I wanted a break, he wanted us to work on our relationship and we have been! But I feel like the "spark" is gone. When we would be apart I would miss him, and now that feeling isn't there any more. When I am with him things are perfect and there is never any doubt in my mind, but when I have time to think I start to analyze things. My friends still don't like him. And I think he deserves better, he treats me soo well and I see how much he loves him, but based on how I cheated on him twice I think he needs someone better. He is also my first love. So I'm not sure if this is just me not being in the "honeymoon" phase anymore or if I have just fallen out of love with him. If those incidents never happened there would be no doubt in my mind that he would be the one. I just donno what to do! If you were me would you stay and see how things get or would you go and hope to find another great guy?
One way or the other you have to put it behind you.......
If you stay let it go and forgive yourself ......
If you have serious doubts as to your feeling for him...... then let him go ..... so he can be happy .... and you.
What will result in both of you being happy in the long run?
Figure that out then do that...
MX, do your BF a favour and walk away. It's obvious that this relationship is over.
If your relationship was true, you wouldn't go elsewhere, regardless of how much you've had to drink. Your BF has a different slant on your relationship than you do. He values it more.
This doesn't mean you're a bad person, but it does mean that you have a lopsided relationship which is going nowhere fast. You're correct, the spark is gone and has been gone for a long time.
Move on and make sure you get over your BF properly before you get into another relationship with another "great guy" as you put it.
If you're losing "the spark," rather dream about your perfect time together, and you, instead, reminisce about the past and start to have your doubts about your feelings for him, then there is definitely a serious issue here.
When you're together, everything is wine and roses, and it never phases you about anything haunting from yesterday, because there is Nothing Bad right now to bring it on. However, when you're alone, and you've had time to think, it all comes back to you like a gallery ghost, bringing with Him All of the-------"messy history."
I believe what you're going through right now is, you can't let go of the past, and the mere thoughts of this, turns you off like a candle in the wind. You haven't found "closure" when doing your soul searching, but when you are with him, he puts your mind to ease, makes you happy, and makes you forget-----putting This "closure in the skeleton closet," away for at least the time you are sharing.
Might I suggest getting together with a group who are going through similar issues as yourself right now. It may just be the answer to find ALL closure once in for all, and put to bed all the old and bad ghosts, so you and your loved one, whom I really Do believe you love, can------Continue the "honeymoon."
Don't be hasty, you may be making a mistake that you could live to regret. And on top of what you are going through Now with what happened way back, will just add to Any break-up, that may end up like before-----"still and always will feel like a terrible person doing that to him."
You have to learn to forgive yourself, as he has done. You haven't accomplished that. And because you feel he "deserves better," YOU are the One who is turning You----against him, trying to find excuses to kill the feeling.
Work this out. Perhaps even together, or as I say, with another group, even with some counseling. You both have this history, this chemistry Still...Find yourself, find your heart, learn to forgive, and go on to learn to live in the future, not in the past.