DUI tearing us apart
My boyfriend and I have known each other for about 10 years and have been in a serious relationship for about 4 years now. We love each other very much and have even recently moved across the country together. We moved so he could go to a technical college for marine mechanics. About 10 months before the big move we got into an argument he went out with is friends and was arrested for a DUI. There was no doubt in my mind about staying and helping him though the tough time. I was nothing but supportive because I thought it was a stupid mistake and he would learn from it and we would move on. We managed to pay the lawyer, fines, court costs and everything else that went into it while saving up to move. I was his personal taxi cab for months and sometimes money was so tight that I didn't know where the next meal would come from or how I would put gas in my car to get to work. but, we made it though, moved and were doing great. A couple weeks after the move once we were settled we decided to go to an event not to far from the house to celebrate and hopefully meet new friends. The plan was for him to be the DD which did not work out because halfway through the night he started taking shots when he would go to the bar to get my drink or I would go to the bathroom. Once I realized what was happening I was upset and wanted to leave. I offered to drive (knowing I shouldn't but also knowing he shouldnt either) That night he was arrested for another DUI. The case was later dropped in court due to lack of evidence that he was actually drinking/drunk. But his license was suspended for 1 year for refusing sobriety testing. Since that night we both really chilled out on going out and drinking. We would find better things to do like treat ourselves to a nice meal instead of going to the bar or staying in a watching movies or having a beer at home rather than going out. For the past couple of weeks he has been like itching to go out with some new friends from school. and did go out with them a few times. They would end up driving and he would get shit faced and stay on one of their couches. Well 2 nights ago he told me he was going to a study group with them which he did. But after studying they decided to go to the bar. One of the friends drove to the bar and dropped my dumb drunk boyfriend back off at another friends where they had the study session was held. The dropper offer friend told the other friend not to let my boyfriend drive and they took his keys and hid them. My boyfriend proceeded to puke on their couch fight the friend that took his keys and leave the apartment with no shoes, shirt or phone to drive himself home. Im not sure what happened after that point all I know is he was arrested for another DUI and Driving on a suspended license 45 min away from where he was and where we live. He doesnt remember anything after leaving the bar. So the next morning I get the call that he was arrested as soon as I walk into work. So I leave work pay a bail bondsman $400 to get him out miss half a day of work..... Now that you know the background. The real question I have is I dont know if I should stay. Does it make me a horrible person if I leave? I stuck by for the first one out of good faith and love. I stayed through the second one because I felt partly responsible. Now what? Im sick of being broke because Im spending all my money on legal fees, fines, court costs etc. I dont feel like he is an alcoholic or needs to drink all the time. But when he drinks he wants the fun to never end its like its his last time everytime. He claims he will stop drinking all together. He even offered me $2500 to relocate back home. do I take the money and run? Do I stay and fight for the man I love?
Either way, this is not good.....
Can you leave him? Or will it just be you doing the same thing from another place miles away.
I do think you guy has a drink problem for sure..... he does not know when to stop he binges, and when he does he breaks the law..... also endangers other people..... He needs to get to treatment for this.
Are you prepared to stand by him through treatment? This may go on for some time and it is not a guarantee that he will not stop..... all of this is in the hands of your boyfriend.
Do you have enough? Are you at your wits end? do you still love him? enough to stand by him ? If your answer is yes, yes and no..... then leave.
I have thought about this a lot and as hard as it would be if I left I would cut all ties with him and his family. But I do love him very very much. I am willing to help him in every way that I can through treatment and this whole process. However, As selfish and greedy and horrible as this may sound. I think Im at my wits end with being broke. I work hard for my money and make decent money when your not paying for (someone elses mistakes) a DUI. It is outrageously expensive and I agree that it should be due to the serious nature of the offense. On top of the initial costs of the DUI it is going to be much much harder for him to get any kind of normal job. Which means even down the road it will be a struggle to be financially stable. We are young and I know nothing good comes without fighting for it But, I cant seem to determine if I am just being selfish and greedy for thinking of leaving or if it could/would benefit me in the future. I feel like a horrible person for even thinking like this but is the price of a DUI worth leaving my relationship?
Your boyfriend is the text book definition of an alcoholic and does a lot of "binge drinking". You are a Saint for staying this long. You gave it all you had, why do you want to give more? Where do you draw the line?
People who are insane do the same thing over and over expecting a different response. Don't let any man drive you crazy. You deserve more!!! Don't ever forget that or settle for less!!!
Agreed I think it took courage to speak out and admit this to yourself.....
I think you want to leave, and I would too. Your feelings of feeling bad are natural after being with someone for this long.
Do not be too hard on yourself over this.... you are not helping him by feeding and enabling his anti-social behavior.
All you can do is your best for someone, but when that starts to eat into you and your life and future ....... it is time to go.
I am sorry this has happened ..... but you are strong and you will get through this.
I'm so sorry that you have chosen to continue your behavior that has enabled your bf to chose to continue the behaviors that have caused great problems for both of you,
However, at this point, do you really know many people who have had this pattern in their relationship and had a total turn around staying in the same cycle and situation.
It sounds like you are both in denial about the seriousness of this problem and that is a normal aspect of this scene which I have seen over and over in my work.
The only way someone changes is if it hurts too much to continue. Most of the time the person with the drinking problem doesn't think the problem is that big and it isn't as big for them because someone is taking care of them.
If you decide to leave with the understanding that because you care so much about him, it wouldn't be good for him that you stay and contribute to his problem, there is a chance he will sincerely go to an inpatient program and get help. Even then there is no guarantee.
You would need at least a year of his working the program and doing all the followup and doing regular testing that proves he is no longer drinking for you to even begin to believe he had truly changed.
He does have to do it for himself and not just for you or it won't work.
You or his friends cannot be his sobriety program. It is his responsibility to get that kind of help. (If he says he doesn't have the money, don't buy it because there are several programs that are funded such as Salvation Army or Volunteers for America or Teen Challenge that take people who really are sincere in seeking help.)
You, of course, will still care about him and can decide how much you want to encourage him from a distance but you will feel like a new women when you have a job and stability and no chronic crisis in your life and finally have some security and less chaos.
Wish you all the best