Am I out of line for wanting more intimacy from my gf?
Hi I've been in a relationship with my gf for 5 years
Most things about he relationship are great but tbh we don't have sex as much as I would like.
Sometimes we do it several times a week over times we go a while without.
I'm always the one to initiate the intimacy though or ask for sex.
She does like to give me kisses and stuff but these are usually pecks on the lips or the neck they are not full on passionate kisses that u would get from someone horny.
Tbh most of the time we go to have sex her vagina does not readily cooperate and I have to spend a lot of time rubbing my penis against her to get it wet. She's never already wet if u get what I mean
I've tried to cure this through more foreplay and stuff but she does not like to be touched down there very much she would rather concentrate on turning me on. Which is great but it doesn't get her horny. And so the endless rubbing my penis against her vagina starts until I can actually get in.
And she treats sex like it's more of a reward for me rather than something she equally enjoys doing. She says that sometimes she's not up for it because I don't help out around the house enough. To me that means she giving sex as a reward for chores and it's not something hat she really wants herself.
She's just not very intimate or passionate
Take last nite As an example I just wanted some hugging and kissing at bedtime (it's that time off the month for her so that's all I was Aftr) she said she wAs too tired and that it was time for sleep which is fair enough I didn't press the issue but we then stayed up for another hour or so talking about other things.
It kinda left me feeling like if she could stay up for another hour talking then why couldn't we have made out and cuddled.
I don't know maybe I'm out of line. What do u think?
After 5 years Kingchub, you should know your GF pretty well.
I, personally wouldn't be a with a woman who withheld sex because I didn't do enough around the house. That's blackmail, and if she can't view intimacy as a natural thing happening between two people who love each other, then she's missing an important part of a successful relationship.
She's becoming spiteful and selfish and if you want to stay with her, you will need to discuss this issue with her asap. It's all ok to have a low sex drive (a separate issue) but to use sex as a reward in a 5 year relationship is more than damaging to say the least.
You're not out of line Kingchub, but need to step back and ask yourself where your relationship will be in another 5 years time if this issue persists.
This is partially as a response to your other response as well as the original post.
Of course, I have no idea who your girlfriend is or what she's like but I'll give it my best shot.
I highly doubt that she's withholding sex as a form of blackmail. If she's saying that you need to do more chores, it feels more like an expression of frustration - she's tired and needs some help around the house. I'm not going to go so far as to say that you're not tired too or are a negligent boyfriend, but for example if she's moving around the house and cleaning then try help her as she does it. You're less inclined to want to have sexy if you're annoyed. Let her know that you appreciate the little things she does - it might seem obvious to you that you do, but she might not see it so easily.
As for the sex itself, it might just be something to consider that she has a low libido or even intimacy issues. Both are things that you will need to cooperate with her on. People vary in sex drives, from nymphomaniacs to asexuals, and hers may not be so rampants. It feels a bit like she does sexual things to make you happy and less because she actually wants it herself. Not to say she doesn't want it at all, but maybe she would prefer to just talk than make out and cuddle - different people see intimacy differently. Maybe she sees emotional intimacy as more important than physical intimacy.
I hope this has helped even a little bit.
Hi after five years sometimes this happens. It sounds like she is more into pleasing you because she is detached in the experience.
That can feel like a rejection and resentment can build up,when you seem like you are the only one making the move.
Firstly why would you want to have sex with her when she is not in tune with you. Sex is a reflection of what is on on between both of you.
Very little communication happening here, intimacy is more than physical. Both of you need to change this.
Your example of last night, tells me that she is trying to create boundaries, and wants her body to herself ever once and a while especially that time you feel awful,bloated fat etc and don't want to be touched.
Do you date still? You both need to allocate a time each week to have fun .... other than sex. Just because you are five years together does not mean that romance goes out the window. Intimacy is a whole range of things,seduction,desire. Feeling alive, wanted, needed, passion.
Meet her where she is at...... if she kisses you then leave it there. Break that cycle you are in, of you mechanically trying lubricate her. Build up to it, even over a number of days, weeks. Write her a love note, leave it under her pillow. Don't have sex. Run her a bath, make her a cuppa . Don't have sex. Give her a hug, and kiss and walk away. Stay with her and let her take the lead. She needs to know that intimacy between both of you does not always lead to sex, and intimacy can be great at that level.
All of this can be erotic , everything but sex. Like you are dating again, throw the tea towel away,and get dressed up go to dinner. Or light a candle and do it at home.
You can touch her down below orally and walk away, and do nothing. Let her be free around it all and that she does not know whats going happen next.That is exciting and builds desire. She will feeling in control. I guess what I am saying is go back a few steps, for her and explore with her. Isn't that what REAL intimacy is.
I promise you if you open your mind to this it will work it may take time, but it will be fun.
thanks for all the replies and advice
i will try and help out more with chores and stuff but theres no way im turning into some sort of house husband.
we do still date. we go out to dinner or the movies and on holidays. and other fun stuff like music concerts all the things that normal couples do.
i do like your idea of building up the sexual tension between us though. i will try that.
@infernal design - the low libido thing is exactly what im worried about. i have a high sex drive she has a low one. ive been trying to meet her halfway. be understanding. be patient.
and your right she does seem to want to do things to please me more than for herself but that is inherently flawed. I would get more pleasure knowing that she was enjoying and really wanted it herself than feeling like shes doing me a favour.
How can i be more emotionally intimate?
@manalone - maybe my op was a bit harsh. she doesnt withold sex all the time. sometimes shes just not up for it and she doesnt ever really initiate it herself. i dunno maybe im too needy.
but ur right i worry about our future together if things dont change.