Come on guys.... Help me out =)
Ok, so I love my boyfriend to death. We annoy the hell out of each other sometimes but we couldn’t live without each other. Weve had some discussion over the past few days and he totally doesn’t see my logic. I wanted to see what you all think because I know I’m not crazy and I make a lot of sense. First off, a little about my background. I have a few alcoholics in my family. I hate it. I hate alcohol. I hate the way people act while drinking it. This is my opinion. YES, I know not everyone acts a fool everytime they drink so don’t bother telling me this. I know already. I just don’t like it and I don’t do it. My friends drink and that’s cool…it doesn’t bother me. That’s fine. However, I wouldn’t want to marry someone that drank. I hate alcohol and Ive seen it destroy childrens lives before and my children will never have to worry about such things. I’ve vowed I will never marry a man that drinks. And unfortunately for me, the man that I love does drink. However, he is not a drunk. He is a social drinker, as he calls it. Meaning the two to three times a year that he goes out with friends, they all get a beer and he will too “to not look like a stick in the mud.” EARLY in our relationship I told him I didn’t like it but I never asked him to stop. It was WAY too soon and I have no say-so over that. Not at that point anyway. However, he voluntarily said that if I didn’t like it, he would stop. He said that he didn’t really like it anyway so me not liking it would just give him a good reason to quit. I didn’t want to try and change him (especially that early) so I said, well now, its’ not a problem but I don’t like it. Meaning, lets wait and see where this goes and how serious it gets before we make such drastic decisions. I also don’t like that he curses sometimes. Some words are fine but do not like F***…seriously, what a vulgar word. I hate that kind of language. He said that he’d quit that as well. I say honey I don’t want to try and change you! He says “oh, yeah, like itd be a big deal for me to quit cursing and drinking since I rearely do either. Its not a problem at all.” There are things he doesn’t like that I do and Ive tried to improve as well. One being I’m never on time for anything. However, there is just one thing I cannot change. He hates that I wear makeup. Me? I looove my makeup. I think makeup is an art form. Its my passion and I love experimenting with different colors and kinds, from drugstore to high end. Makeup is my porn I love watching youtube tutorials on different ways to do makeup. I just enjoy it. I feel more confident with it on as well. I have no confidence without it. None at all. So, yes, I wear it. Can I leave the house without it? Of course, Do I go around my boyfriend without it? No, why should I? I look prettier with it so why would I? He’s asked me to wear less (which is weird because I don’t wear much to begin with) and to wear none at all, but I just cant. I love it and I feel like a freak without it. I feel awkward without it. So, fast forward to last night. We are watching a movie and there is a line about changing someone you love. I said “yeah..” agreeing with the tv and he says, “wait, what?” and I tell him that if you love someone you will change small things for them to make them happy. This is true. This happens in dating, and even marriage. We all change little things for our partner. Whether it be not leaving the toilet seat up to not wearing a certain outfit…..you know, little things. He said well give me an example. I said well I don’t like drinking and you said youd stop. He said that’s a little thing? I said well, yeah…you said it was considering you rarely do it. He said “well, what about wearing makeup……Is that a little thing or a big thing? (sigh* I knew this would be brought up)” I said that it was a big thing because I enjoy it and feel more comfortable with it. He said that that made no sense. He said that drinking could not be a little thing and makeup be a big thing. I tried to explain that drinking affects others. It would affect me and even our children if we had any. I wear makeup and it affects no one….ONLY ME. SO whats the big deal? He proceeded to tell me that he had a beer a few weeks prior when one of his friends came over. I thought he had because his friend had went through a bad breakup and my boyfriend bought him beer. But being honest like he usually is, he admitted it. I was fine with it. I never actually asked him to stop. If we were married, I would. We aren’t married so I can’t say a thing about him having a beer. Something else that bothers me is he is wanting to start riding a motorcycle. He said he will save quite a bit of money on gas if he can get his fixed up and start riding it. I said I will worry about him. He asked if I’d ride with him and I said NO, I will worry about you being on one though. His father was killed in a motorcycle accident and one of my good friends lost her husband a few weeks back in a motorcycle wreck. So yes it bothers me. Once again, we aren’t married so he can do as he pleases when it comes to that. I just told him I care so I don’t want him to. Does anyone see how I am asking for things to be changed because I CARE and he is asking for things to be changed that don’t matter (makeup)? I mean I don’t see the big deal about makeup. He says he likes me without it and Im just as pretty. However, that’s a lie. ANY guy would rather have a woman with a little foundation on compared to a woman showing every flaw, zit and dark spot on her face. My friends and I have discussed this and we think maybe boyfriends do that because they know other guys will look at us with makeup on compared to if we don’t have it on, probably wont get much attention from men. So my questions are : 1) Does anyone see my point here? Im asking for things because I love him. He’s asking for me to change the makeup wearing…..big difference right? 2) What is the deal with makeup? Really? Men, we all know good and well we look better with a little on so whats the deal? … also PLEASE no one say we aren’t right for each other and are trying to change too much. We love each other … a lot. Ive told him before I would rather split than him think im trying to change him and him be unhappy. He said he wanted to work it out more than anything and he would change what ever I didn’t like. I only ask for two small things to stop….not that big of a deal. Two things I don’t like…out of the five bazillion that I do like. FYI weve been together 6 months and Im 23, him 24. We are both mature for our age. He liked me in high school but we never talked much. Went out two years ago and I didn’t like him. Finally last fall he asked me out and we really hit it off, after growing up a lot since the previous dating.
I see your point. The reasons for suggestion are quite different, you suggest it A) for concern of safety and B) With beer, concern for the future.
You could make the comparison of vulgar language though, that hurts no one, they're just words society perceives with a stigma. But the difference is make up, is seemingly a big part of your life as well as an interest.
I think your conclusion to why he doesn't want you wear any goes a little too deep. I don't think anyone is thinking that far ahead to "Other guys may look at you". Undoubtedly beauty is subjective, while you say make up and little foundation make you look better, others may think not. People that wear a noticeable amount of make-up for instance look fake, which isn't good. But for the sake of this point let's you don't do that, this one assumes if that was problem it'd be fairly obvious.
I think it boils down to the fact that he likes and maybe used to the way you look without make-up. Maybe he feels that you look "fake" and not genuine. It's a little gripe of his, a pet-peeve if you will. It may also be the lack of confidence being a factor, he may just oppose the idea that you are solely dependent on make-up to feel confident about your appearance. Either way you look at it, being dependent on something like that for confidence is a negative thing.
I agree with all your little compromises, if it isn't too much of a problem for him he can stop them. But the only problem that could arise from all these little problems being subsided and pushed aside could cause him not to mention stuff, or be less passionate about things he wants to do. Is he a very vocal person? If there is something he really wants to do, even after so many little things he wanted to do getting pushed down as seemingly insignificant to you, will he still ask? Or will he just do it under the rug? Like he did with this drinking this one time? Of course this is just a potential problem and is very situational depending on the person. He may not be like this hence this worry is invalid, but can never be too safe to watch out for stuff like this.
The compromise of drinking I don't quite understand though. When or if you get married you want him stop, yet he doesn't do it a whole lot anyway. And one assumes if you were to have kids he'd have the decency not to come home drunk at least, and if he was not horribly drunk to create a scene. Since you mention no where that he is really bad when he's drunk I assume he isn't, but that just might be because you haven't seen him drunk enough times to make a judgement on that. Regardless I don't see that as much of a big deal, but it is to you and again this may not even be an issue as a compromise for him, but I only bring this up cause he did get drunk under the hood that once.
In conclusion you have a healthy relationship going, you're clearly not a dumb person when it comes to this, along with compromises. And that his views on make-up don't seem like they would be quite what you described, as that doesn't sound very relevant, unless that's a worry of his? But from what you've mentioned it doesn't seem like it. The fact of subjective beauty also, while covering up flaws may seem objectively prettier it isn't always the case. From personal experience I found a girl pretty with her imperfections, as opposed to her with make-up.
Anyways, hope that was helpful. Good luck with your relationship and have a wonderful day =)