To marry or not
Well, I've been dating Mr X (36)for a year now. His been married twice, twice divorce, both times the women cheated on him. We are still "young" in our relationship and the difficult part is that he is working overseas, to better our future together. We are still in the process of getting to know each other.
I do believe that in a relationship, partners needs to talk to each other, about their fears and believes and their feelings. I'm a person that says what I feel and well, since Mr X got divorced twice, he's got difficulty opening up towards me, BUT we are getting there, it takes a lot of patience.
So,we got talking about our future and what we see in our future and I told him that I want to get married one day and he, well, he just wants to stay together, but then on the other hand he says again that he doesn't know what the future holds. He once asked me do I want a small wedding or a big wedding and then when we get talking about that topic, he turns around and says: "why get married". He says he can give me everything a married couple have, he loves me unconditionally, he wants to make me happy and he wants to take care of me and he can see us getting old together, but according to him, marriage is just a piece of paper.
I told him that I've never been married before and its my dream that one day I will be a Mrs. so-and-so. I told him that I don't want to get married right now, but I do think about it. I also told him that he can't just shatter my believes and dreams just coz he had two very bad experiences and besides, when his first marriage failed, he decided to get married a second time, so why can't I have a chance. I told him that part of why we fight is that in the back of my head, I keep thinking that he doesn't want to get married and it makes me sad and kind of miserable. So I told him, that how can this relationship work if I want one thing and he doesn't want the same thing. He still keeps asking me why I want to get married and I told him that marriage is a different commitment, its much easier to walk out of a relationship when your just dating, but marriage is a commitment between you, your spouse, God and your family and friends. Marriage is a much bigger commitment and I'm still old school and believe in marriage.
He thinks that I gave him an ultimatum when I told him that I want to get married, but I told him I never said I want to get married right now, I mean we've only been together for a year. I do love him so much, but I want more. I don't know what to do any more. There is like a million things running thru my mind and I'm so confused and I think he is even more confused, because his hot and then cold. Is there anybody that can give me advise, anything.
I'm sorry, my description was very brief. We do stay together. He took this job overseas, because he couldnt get anything this side. I actually got him the job. I'ts just seasonal work, so his away about 8months of the year and it pays very well.
I told him that I dont want to get married right now, weve only been dating for a year and in that year he was gone for 4 months, stayed for 3 months then he was off again.
I know that I will probably stay with him for a while, up until I know for sure. He was seperated when we met, so he was busy going thru with the divorce in the year we've been together. He is now fully divorced.
I really do appreciate all the advice that I get, atleast I know Im not being silly about it all.
I am going to tell that you are wasting your time trying to CHANGE someone else,on beliefs -marriage-
His beliefs are based on actual experience,twice!!!!! He will not go down the path again!!!! That is a healthy person!!!!!
Sometimes marriage is suited to some people, there is nothing wrong with that,and it does not make your relationships less valid, in fact it may make it more honest!!!!
If marriage is what you want then leave this poor guy alone and find someone else. I hear anger and feeling hard done by that 'you are not getting a chance' what do you think he is : just a man to walk down an isle again for the laugh AGAIN!!! for what!!!! so he has too through the negative process of divorce again.
It is too much pressure on him, and I think you are not accepting him for him and his views based on experience surrounding marriage.
This will eat and eat away at the relationship,,,,,, and even if you do get married it will eat and eat away at him.
Let go go this relationship and find someone who wants what you want........ he is not part of the dream........ you know this,and you think you will convince him to marry you in the future...... YOU WONT give up that idea... it is not a nice place to start is it? I wouldn't want to marry someone that I had to convince!!!! Feels insincere.....