Three years into our relationship I found out he was cheating on me. He honestly broke my heart. Not alone did I lose my boy friend, I lost my best friend. I knew he regretted it and he tried so hard to make it up to me but then last year I found out he was cheating again. Needless to say the second time hurt just as much as the first time if not worse. I still loved him with all my heart but I knew that things were never going to be the same and that I just had to walk away. Over time we started talking again, but he has a new girl friend. I miss him so much. It's not even a case where I want to be with him, I don't miss him but just the amazing times I had with him. I miss having my best friend. He's all I can think about. I can't talk to him about it because in all honesty I don't want to go back there because I know that he's no good for me. It's hard seeing him happy with someone new knowing that he knows how much he's hurt me. I can still feel the pain of it all and it all still hurts so much. I've tried to make a clean break from him so many times and I just can't bring myself to do it because I know that once I do that's going to be it. He won't fight to keep me in his life. I'm afraid of not having him in my life, he has been a support for me through much, he's seen me growing up an been there through all the important milestones of my teenage and young adult life. Similarly I've seen him grow into the young man that he is today. I've been the one he's come to in the past with his problems. He has been both depressed and suicidal in the past.
It's started to effect my concentration and my relationships with other people. I see my friends who have been in and out of relationships and none of them have been affected this way. I do want him to be happy but I want to be happy as well and I don't know how to be. Everything reminds me of him in some way. I just want to runaway and never come back.
Yes, it's hard to see him happy with someone else and if he wouldn't fight to keep you in his life then it's a bygone conclusion that he's in your past and that where he'll stay, regardless of the milestones you shared together.
You need to move on and give yourself some peace to be able to truly be over him. You have stated that you were young and naive, but you need to learn from it and not let past decisions drag you down. You are allowed to be happy without the guilt from those decisions that's shackling you to him. All you need to do is give yourself permission to be happy.
Once you achieve this, you'll find your relationships with other people and your personal situation improving for the better.
Now, you must go out there and find it again --- only this time as a 21 year old WOMAN who knows what you want.
This is going to be FUN!! Who knows? This new friend may be just around the corner!
(I tell you all this because I have been where you are and know that a new love will help heal and will fill those voids you feel. It is YOUR responsibility to make yourself happy.)
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