I've been with my wife for nearly ten years, married for 7.We have 3 gorgeous kids together, twins aged 18 months and a 4 year old, and - I thought - everything was going pretty OK until she turned round a month ago and said she is so unhappy she wants a divorce.
We haven't had sex for about two years, I assumed it was because of her intermittent depression which she has suffered from on and off since before she met me. However, she now tells me she's not attracted to me any more in that way, and although she says she still loves me. I am still very attracted to her and I love her despite the lack of sex. I've never been unfaithful to her and have always supported her and our children.
After some heated discussions and arguments for about a week, she eventually conceded that splitting up might not be the best thing to do, mainly because of the kids I think. She says although she doesn't feel anything sexual for me at the moment there's a small chance that she might in the future but she can't promise anything.
She says she needs space from me and we have agreed that I will sleep in the attic room for the time being to 'see how things go'. By itself this would be fine and I was prepared to give it a go.
Since she told me this I have been to see a relationship counsellor to see if I can try and understand where we've gone wrong. I am making a real effort both in terms of doing jobs round the house, cooking, looking after the kids etc and paying her compliments to try and make her feel better about herself, as she is complaining of deep unhappiness.
However, I think she may be going through some kind of crisis, as her behaviour recently has changed and I feel I can't trust her any more. She has met lots of new friends on the web, using aliases, and has been secretive about what she is up to. She is on the laptop almost constantly when she's at home.I sat down next to her and she hid her computer from me so I couldn't see the screen. She has had her lips injected with filler, has had a tattoo done, is talking about getting her boobs and nose done also next year. She is also drinking pretty much every night.
One night recently she told me she was tired and going to bed. When I went to get a sweater a while later she was on the her mobile to a guy she met on facebook. I just got the phone bill and she has sent over 350 text messages in the last couple of weeks.
Worst of all I accidentally found very sexual and intimate messages on her phone from men I don't know, which has really upset me as it just confirms that she is hiding something from me, despite her saying that she's not hiding anything. I don't know whether I'm overreacting to this, but I find it unacceptable that she would encourage men to send her these kind of messages even it is just for fun.
I haven't told her I know about the text messages as I don't want to cause another row. She still says she want to see how things go, but I'm not sure I can carry on much longer as I feel she is treating me so badly and I don't see why I should put up with it. When I challenge her about her behaviour she becomes aggressive and tells me that I'm boring and she needs space. She doesn't do anything to make me feel OK about things and barely even looks up when I come in the door after work.
I really don't know what to do. Half of me wants to divorce her and find happiness with someone who genuinely cares about me, and the other half of me thinks I should keep trying to make it work for the sake of the kids.
Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.
Hi, sorry to hear about your problem. She is clearly having an affair despite what she said. If I were you then I would stay put for the sake of your kids but there is not thing stopping you having a life of your own. Try to go out and meeting new people, find someone who understand you. Perhaps your wife will quickly come to her sense when she realize what she's about to lose! Hope this help.
Can i ask you a question, would you be willing to confront her about your worries because i think your marriage is over unless you have the conversation you know you need to have. I am in a similar relatonship and i tried shuting my partner out because i was scared of losing him if i told him the truth. The reaity is after ten years i was struggling to find anything good about us but i knew if i held back regarding my infadelities i wouldn't have anything left to hold on to. You need to challenge yor partner because she is lost to you if you don't. If she can't talk to you there is a deep seated reason for this but for your own sake and your kids be true to your heart and realise you're living a lie. All the best and courage to you.