PeoplesProblems Logo

Sorry so long. I'm just not sure what to do anymore

Default profile image
My fiance and I have been together for 5 years, engaged for 3. We have an 8 month old son together, but everytime I bring up marriage he just nods his head like he's not interested. When we first got together he showed me so much love and affection, but I was just young and dumb, took it for granted and treated him poorly so he cheated. We got back together and every since then he's been changing slowly. He shows me no affection at all. The only time he ever kisses me or tells me he loves me is when he's going somewhere or going to bed. I think that's just out of habit. We hardly talk about anything except his work. When I try having a conversation with him he either just nods or doesn't hear me at all. It tears me up inside because I don't want our son growing up without both parents around daily. I love him, but I'm tired of feeling alone and unappreciated. I'm almost 21 and he won't even take me to get my license and I think it's because he likes knowing where I'm at 24/7. At night he won't even turn over and cuddle like he used to. We've grown so far apart that I don't even feel comfortable with telling him any of this. I'm so lost on what to do.. Idk if its even worth trying to save anymore except for the fact that we do have a son. He's the one I'm mostly concerned about.. I feel worthless because I don't have a license, I left school in 10th grade for personal reasons and never got my GED and he won't help me any. I'm trying to better myself not just for me, but for our son. I want to be able to provide for him and not have to rely on anyone. I don't have a job because I'm taking care of my son. I don't have friends because I left school and have devoted myself completely to my fiance.. So like I said I just feel worthless and like I have no life at all except for my son.. PLEASE HELP??

Sorry so long. I'm just not sure what to do anymore

Default profile image
I am so very sorry about what you are going threw. It sounds very confusing and like you are lost. lost with him and lost without him. I think you need to get some reasorces on who to become independent. I know you don't want your son growing up without a father... but do you want your son to treat his future wife the way your fiancé is treating you? single moms can raise some great men, and my dad is one of them. but the reality is this he is kinda keeping you...because he can... and holding you in a cage. you can't leave him..because you don't have your license, you can't support yourself, because you don't have a GED, and he isn't helping you to get one. Don't take this the wrong way..PLEASE however, you sound like you are his dog or pet... you can't support yourself, he knows where you are all the time, he supports you, and you are just kind of there... but at least a dog gets more love then you do, is what it sounds like. do you want to get out? or do you want to fix the relationship? what will make YOU happy? not your son, but what will make you happy?

Sorry so long. I'm just not sure what to do anymore

Default profile image
I'm going to cross reference Julia's advice a little, I agree with majority of it, it covers many other areas and strategies to improve yourself which is great. However: "but wait until you meet an unattached sincere fellow with NO ex, no kids, no domineering traits who respects you." This describes an INCREDIBLY IDEAL scenario, hence fourth is very SPECIFIC, too much so. The chance of finding someone with no ex these days is like trying to find a needle in haystack, a big one, the size of the world. All other aspects are agreed upon. "Marry before sex! Yes! Otherwise the relationship never gets past sex and living together to a serious commitment." This is a personal attitude towards marriage, in way if you have sex before marriage does it have much implications of ever getting past that. In some scenarios it may even be bad to do that. Consider if a guy only wanted you for sex but appeared great and perfect, you said your attitude to getting married then having sex. He acts perfect so he can get married then have a bunch of sex and radically changes? Hence this attitude is not always true and doesn't hold much water in terms of logical reasoning, it varies from person to person. Anyways onto my advice. I do believe what you describe in terms of decline of affection is a gradual loss of interest. Or "spark" As people sometimes call it. Basically there isn't enough variety in your relationship. However there is another reason besides this, which stress. He now has a job, was that the same job he had years ago? If he has a new job, the stress he's experiencing could be a cause for what is happening. Stress drains you of all your energy and motivation, loss of motivation being key here. So much so that he just wants to spend time to himself, he can't be bothered to take you for driving license or GED, cause he's stressed, had a long day. I don't approve of that attitude, but that could be an explanation. The other explanation is equally valid, if you two got into a quotidian routine then that gets fairly boring, assuming you don't go out much anywhere there isn't much variety in your life or his. This leads to nothing to really talk about or discuss, leading to more boredom with just life in general. Regardless of any stress or attitudes, he should not make you feel lonely and unappreciated. You need to communicate this fact to him and offer him potential solutions to solve this problem. Or else you'll just dwell on being in a spiral of sadness and no one wants that! If your unhappy in the relationship something must be done to fix it, may that be breaking up or attempting to fix it together. When proposing this idea or telling him this problem, he should put effort in too, not just you. A one way source of effort will most likely fail, by the nature of this issue. He needs to try to make you feel happy, if he puts no evident effort into this (After being explicitly told), you should consider breaking up. You *think* it's because he wants to keep you around 24/7? Are you sure that's the case? Have you got any other situations were it would imply he likes to know where you are or keep you in a known location? If this is the only instance that makes you think this then I'd re-evaluate that conclusion. "At night he won't even turn over and cuddle like he used to" This could be, because he's stressed and tired. Or the fact that it's gotten boring, however I'd say stress and tired is more likely. You need to tell him this, so you two can fix this problem together. It's never comfortable pointing out imperfections in the relationship, but they can't say unaddressed. Unless you want to just deal with the sadness, but surely it'd be in your best interest to try and fix that sadness. I think it's worth at least attempting to save, there is truly no harm in trying. Communicate the problem, maybe suggest a fix like: Maybe you two should go out for dinner? Or he should take you to get your license sometime? Or even ask him why he doesn't do these certain signs of affection anymore? As for having no life, you need to make one I'm afraid, which is much easier said than done I know. Your fiance needs to be supportive you you getting a life, a GED, friends, hobbies, a driving license etc. Maybe find a hobby and go into some sort of group relating to it? Make some friends there. Of course you'll need some support from your fiance in this case to take care of your son. In summation, something needs to change, problems need to addressed and discussed with your partner so you can try and work something out. If he puts no effort in, consider break it off, since that would be in your best interest instead of waiting for the vain hope he starts to care. Hope that helped somewhat, good luck with your relationship and have a wonderful day :)

Sorry so long. I'm just not sure what to do anymore

Default profile image
How old is this guy? My dear, you know what needs to be done. TELL him you are unhappy and feel trapped. I bet that HE feels the SAME!! (for different reasons) I see a separation coming. He needs to see what he will miss if he does not start acting like a husband and father. Start talking about financial arrangements for him supporting his son and explore how you are going to support yourself. You need to get more independent and stop letting him run your life. INSIST on getting your license and a car. This will only get worse as time goes by if you don't stop this now. (And don't get pregnant. That's how he will trap you even more)

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-1