I became friends with someone recently. We've been friends for about 2 months. I met her at a class I go to weekly. We hit it off. We have good fun together. It started off with us contacting each other a lot on Facebook. We had loads to chat about. I noticed, however, that she didn't give away much. Everything she talked about was not really about herself personally. I don't know much about what she does during her day, or her family. It took a while before I heard what she does for a living. I didn't mind at first, but now that we've got closer, I find it annoying. The Facebook messages have slowed down recently. I was chatting to her yesterday on Facebook and no matter what I asked her, she would not give me a straight answer! It was to the point that I just left the conversation because it was too much but I didn't want to show I was annoyed. She had been sick the week before, so I asked her if she was ok and she said she was fine-nothing else! Then I asked her that I meant was she fine since being sick and she again answered without actually telling me anything. Even the first time I asked her if she was fine, she just replied asking me how I was. I then asked her if she got my message about me asking her how she was because I told her all I got back from her was her asking how I was.
! (if that makes sense). She just replied saying "haha" and some other evasive statement. Don't get me wrong...I dont ask her a lot of questions, I just ask her the odd question, like how are you, what did you get up to at the weekend etc..but I get nothing straight from her. I have decided to be the same back now, but it doesnt feel real anymore. I noticed it's not just with me she's like that either, but she even said to me that she thought I was very open and honest and she described herself the same way!! I mean it's very hard to have a proper friendship if a person is acting in an avoidant way. When I meet her in person, she's inclined to tell more but now that I think of it, she's still very evasive. I'm wondering does anyone think this is manipulative behaviour? I really don't know how to deal with it. I have no problem telling people about my life but I have learned from the past not to give too much away if the other person isnt forthcoming. Please help!
FB should be a FIRST contact. After that, things should be in person. You tried to develop this relationship on line and it got boring.
Did you think this would sustain itself that way for forever?
Time to (grow up and) meet her in person and make this real - or not.
Hi SUSIEDQ, I dont think you read my message through fully or properly. We meet in person a lot too (as was stated). The problem is not Facebook, it's what I explained about her. Does anyone else have any useful advice please? Has anyone else has this issue with a friend, be it online or in person?
Your relationship albeit platonic at the moment is fairly new. Some people do take their time in opening up to others and do find it difficult to trust.
Are you hoping for a relationship with her or are you just wanting to keep it platonic?
Either way, I dont think from what you have said about her shows any sort of manipulative behaviour. It just shows a very reserved and private person.
Dont change yourself tho. If you are quite an open person stay that way. She will see through your loyalty and honesty and will eventually open up to you IF she wants to. Just give it time.
I have come in contact with a similar situation to that. It drives me bonkers, so I understand the frustration. And my days when they just reply with "haha" >.< So irritating.
A reason I squeezed out of my friend that did this was that she doesn't like speaking online a lot. She much prefers real life conversations. However similar to the situation you stated there was still the juxtaposition of a point where they talked about them self openly.
At those times I've just come to deduce that they weren't busy and literally had next to nothing they were doing. In situations such as those where she doesn't reply fully with an answer may just be that attitude of not wanting to talk online, or she's busy doing something. It could equate to other things also not just this, the fact that she may not feel comfortable talking about herself. There could be some sort of internal conflict in do I open up to this person? Or do I not? Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. The messages may have slowed down because the latter decision became dominant to her? You could have also just ran out of things to talk about, or things she's comfortable talking about.
Another thing I found with a my friend that was like this, is that if she had any problems with me, she wouldn't tell me directly. And any direct questions on the subject were ignored, her justification being it was to not "hurt me". I don't know if you could generalize that to your situation though. (Even when she said she was also honest and open, strange contradiction) Different people, different attitudes.
I don't know whether this is manipulative behavior per ce? You could argue it has the intent of encourage real life interaction more so than online interaction, on the person who has a general interest in her. However you could argue it's just their natural behavior too, such as being comfortable talking about herself and her attitudes towards certain things.
Something to slip in here too, is that sometimes peoples lives aren't very eventful, so it seems boring and mundane to talk about someones routine or about themselves when that is the case. It may just be she has next to nothing to say to certain questions, thinking it'll make a negative impression. I do that sometimes.
I'd say one thing you could do is ask her directly why she behaves this way? If you'll even get a straight answer from her, or if you haven't even tried already.
Thanks Mar, K and Dominicwild for some constructive answers! I'm thinking I will ask her when I meet her why she avoids certain questions. I'm just afraid I'll word it wrong and she'll think I'm being accusatory. I just want to understand her position. I don't want to waste time on a friendship if it's going to continue like that. It's too unstable for me.
As long as you word it with your intent made crystal clear, i.e wanting to know just why she acts this way, as it perplexes you and you don't want to waste time if she doesn't wanna interact and be friends, although in terms of wasting time you should probably word that more like: You don't want to force this friendship on her if she doesn't want it. More to that effect.