Communication issues w/ boyfriend
Somebody please give me some insight!
I am a 20 year old female and so is my boyfriend. We have been dating for a month and some change when we are together it's amazing but when we separate it's a completely different story. Even before we got together we were friends for two years and 70% of the time if we made plans to hang out he'd either cancel or just leave me high and dry and give me an excuse the next day. He still does this now but not as much. I am so patient and always tell him that it's okay to cancel he just needs to let me know like a couple hours before so I can make other plans. Still doesn't and he says he hates technology (i.e. phones and texting) so I try calling he still sometimes calls me. He also says he doesn't like telling people no but he knows how much it hurts me when he doesn't let me know of things ahead of time. I know he's not cheating as a fact (we went through a lot just to be together) he's kinda a nerd and he's a musician so I know he spends a lot of time practicing and in his own world. And sometimes he disappears for days one time a week and a half and it's a valid reason but it drives me crazy knowing he's completely capable of letting me know what he's up to but doesn't. I feel like I'm giving 80% and him 20%
Am I being too clingy or controlling? Why won't he let me know things ahead of time? Should I just resort to writing letters? What's the best way to get him to understand my feelings? He says he feels me and will try to do better but doesn't. I just really want to understand where he's coming from I just want to make this relationship work this is so minor but drives me crazy....
texting/phone calls is basic in a any relationship so the fact that he doesnt agree with it bizarre and you need to put your foot down and let him know how you feel. This relationship lacks communication which isnt good for either of you
That's very odd he opposes technology in such a way.
I think the reason he doesn't tell you is because he's concentrated on other stuff, he could possibly also feel like it's a bit demanding. He may just get torn on what to decide on, like he wants to go along with the plan but he could also do this or that, and he doesn't know and eventually, naturally, something falls into place. Often something immediately available like this passion for music he has. That's probably the reason he doesn't tell you, he forgets.
Would letters really change anything? They'd take more time to get there and while they might be an effective way of getting around technolgy, they also require more effort on his part to send, so maybe he'll forget to send a letter right away? If he is caught in in-decision over whether to go ahead with the plan or do something else then this might not be a good option. As he would need to know ahead of time, to send the letter, to inform you he won't be coming.
Have you told him how this makes you feel? Even though you've told him that it's fine to decline he may feel that would hurt your feelings or he feels obliged to say yes. It could also the other thing I mentioned too of indecision between his music or he just gets lost in his music and time flew by when your plans came up.
It's hard to really tell if he's trying or not. Even though it may not seem evident, he could be trying, just to no avail.
So I think the best thing to do is to explicitly state to him how it drive you crazy, if you haven't already. Then the only thing you can do is try to persuade him in some form to remember to contact you, maybe even if he hates technology, ask him to get a phone or use a phone just for this circumstance. That way you can message him to make sure he's sure-set on his plans.
If after a while, I'd say a week up til 3 months, depending on how severe this aspect in your relationship is to you, then you should probably get around to accepting that this is probably gonna be a concurrent thing. In which if it's a deal breaker for you, consider breaking up or taking a break, or live it, maybe try and get more independent fill your time up with other friends, hobbies etc in the mean time.
However he should be at least accepting some invitations on a somewhat frequent basis, i.e not once every one or two months.
I wish you the best of luck in your relationship and have a wonderful day :)