I have no idea what to do
Look this is a complicated situation and I just have no idea what to do.
See I met this guy about a year ago and I am completely in love with him. I have never connected with someone this fast and this much ever. I feel like I am completely me around him and I trust him. We've gotten extremely close over the past year and we have leaned on each other during difficult times and have had so much fun together too though.
Though he has a long distance relationship with a girl of 2.5 years. Now she had fought through cancer before and he stayed by her side through it all. Also they have known each other for 5 years (that's including the 2.5 years of dating). I know I don't stand a chance against her, I'm not that stupid.
So summer just started (we are in college) and I was going to use it to get over him since we wouldn't be able to talk much or see each other at all since we live in completely different cities. And this past month has been utter hell for me. I've been heartbroken in a way I thought wasn't even possible. It hurts a lot and I miss him so much. He is my best friend. We went from talking/seeing each other every day, to nothing.
Now originally, before summer, I was going to tell him but I chickened out. I was terrified he didn't want to be my friend anymore if I told him and he meant way too much to me to lose him like that, so I backed out. I was going to move on this summer. I got a job, volunteer opportunities, hanging out with friends and family, etc. But I still managed to talk to him. To text him. I am even trying to see a new guy but I just..I'm not interested in him at all. And before my best friend, he was the exact guy I would have liked. But now this new guy isn't anything like my best friend.
I was going to try and move on and see what happens with their relationship and then maybe in the fall let something slip and tell him. Confess everything because I have a small hunch he at least cares for me. But then he told me a few days ago that her cancer came back and it isn't looking good.
So all I want to do is be there for him but I feel like I'm intruding or something. I feel like at this point, I need to make sure he is okay but I don't think it is my place. I honestly have no idea what to do from here on out. Please help somebody. Feel free to ask any questions. I just need some advice.
This is such a tricky one, but we need to establish that while you have strong feelings for him, you are aware you can't take it further, he is unlikely to end his relationship, particularly because she is sick.
Your problem is that you miss him and you wish he knew about your feelings. I don't think there is any hurry, wait until the time is right and let him know that you have feelings for him, but that you know it can never amount to anything and you simply need him to know so you can move on, and you will.
If he is uncomfortable being friends with you after you tell him then I don't think he is as good a friend as you hoped, you won't lose him if you are important to eachother
It may seem hard but if it isn't meant to be with your friend then focus on yourself and put yourself first. Work hard on your studies and someday you will find someone who wants to put you first.
Thank you so much, that helped a lot actually. I just wish all of this was easier. I've never been in love before and I honestly have no idea how to handle this.
It also didn't help that while we were getting closer we would cuddle and talk about very intimate details of each others lives. As I said before, it's messy!
Hi This sounds like a really special friendship you have with this guy and he probably loves you as a mate.
Telling him puts the friendship at risk so I personally would not go there. His current situation calls for a supportive friend so just be there for him.
Telling him may never happen and who knows when there is a right time.... if there is it is a long long way off.
Friendships are valuable so nurture them, and who knows in a few years time if he ever becomes available and is out of rebound stage you may get together.
If not you still have a great friendship....
I am telling you this because I have a similar situation I have strong feelings for a male friend he has a girlfriend. I would never tell him simply because I know deep down I would be the one that gets hurt and to be honest I care deeply for him as a friend. It is the purest thing in the world so I would never act on my feelings.
I feel sorry for you. He had no right to get that close to you when he was in a committed state of mind with her.
I don't know what to tell you except that either you be patient and wait for him to be free or you move on.
He's not going to move this forward any more now that she is really ill.
I would not say anything to him. It puts him into a no-win situation and leaves you twisting in the wind.
It's never nice to have feelings you can't act on, but it happens.
I'd say you too are friends. It's very strange, you say you two got very close, which usually implies you two talk regularly, clearly care for one another, hang out often etc. And yet near the end you draw a query of suspecting he "at least cares for you". If you are as close to him as you say you are then I'd say there is no doubt he cares for you as friend, you don't get close to someone you don't care about. That would make very little sense. So with that said I'd say he definitely cares about you. If your premise that you two are close is true.
You also state you helped each other during difficult times, and had "so much fun" together. This implies even more that he cares. I find it very strange that you think like that upon the end of your explanation of your situation. I think your emotions got in the way of your judgement there, be careful of that.
With that in mind that you two are close friends, it'd be completely fine for you to support him. You two are friends, you're totally not intruding. This is just another of those "difficult times" You spoke of before where you helped out each other, therefore it's completely within the bounds of expectation for you to be there and support him at this time. In fact you should, that's what a good friend does. Support the success of his girl friends recovery and relationship in general, since you want whats best for him right?
So basically just continue being his friend like you always have in this respect.
Now onto your feelings towards him. Clearly as you state you can't act on them, so the best course of action would be to get over them. But depending on how much they effect you and how efficient you are with suppressing them you may not need to. If they are majorly effecting you, such as making you extremely sad majority of the time then you'll probably wanna actively try to get over them, by engaging in other activities of commitments in your life, like friends, family, hobbies etc.
On the topic of you expressing you feelings to him, now would be the worst time to do that. Since he's already in this tough spot, this would just throw more stress at him and could potentially be taken very negatively, since his emotions will probably cloud his judgement right now. I.e being taken as "Oh now my gf has cancer she expects me to ditch her to get with her?" Which is definitely not what you want.
Best time to tell him would be when there is little stress in his life, his relationship is all fine and dandy, then you come out express your feelings, expressing the reason you are doing that clearly and that you expect nothing from him in terms of acting on them, it was just a thing you had to do.
That is of course if you really even need to do this. Is holding in these feelings and never telling him that big of an issue to you? If you don't feel you have to or don't have any strong desire just to get it off your chest cathartic-ally. Then there is no need to tell him, since that avoids all risk of it ever really going wrong.
So in summation I think that you should continue acting normal, being his friend. Tell him you love him, if you want to, if it will benefit you in getting over him or something, if not, there is no need.
I hope that was helpful, I wish you the best of luck in this friendship and have a wonderful day