Am I going crazy or am I right to be suspicious? Don't know what to do
Me and my partner have been together for nearly 5 years and have a 3 year old daughter. When I was pregnant I was a little violent to my partner but he begged me stop and I did, however during the last few months of the pregnancy he started to become violent towards me but I let him thinking he was retaliating because of how I treated him and I thought it would pass.
It didn't pass and I put up with 2 and a half years of mental and physical abuse, it all came to a head about a month ago when I saw a message from an old friend I hadn't seen for years saying that he'd given her butterflies. I confronted him about this messages and he went mad punching me in my arms and legs, then denied anything happened. A week later I found pictures of his erect penis on his phone and confronted him again only to be told he took those pictures so he could see if he was as big as I made out he was and to stop these accusations as it was all in my head. I refused to believe it so he kicked me in my wrist and this time i called the police, he got arrested and got charged with common assault. That night I found out my old friend that she had came into the shop where works and he had messaged her later that day and after that they were flirting via facebook until they kissed behind his work. I was devastated and finished with him.
About a week later he begged me to talk to him and stupid me agreed, He said he was sorry, made out it was all her and promised to never hit me again. I forgave him like an idiot and although I was a bit wary I slept with him and agreed to slowly rebuild our relationship. Things were going well at first until 2 weeks ago. It my sisters hen-night so I was away for the night. He and his mate(who he lived with at the time) went on a night out and he met a girl, apparently they chatted at the pub most of the night. I found out after I saw they'd become friends on facebook, of course I got paranoid and wanted to know what was going on but he denied anything happened and said they were just mates.
He went on another night out on Saturday and then turned up in the morning saying he was going to move back in, even though I said I wasn't ready, about an hour later he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to get back with me because i'm being too paranoid this other girl so I said block her then which he did. A few days later though I had a funny feeling and checked his facebook and he'd unblocked her and changed his password. I am now convinced that he has no intention of getting back with me and is only using me for a place to stay while he starts a new relationship with this girl, everytime I ask him he gets angry and tells me I've gone crazy. Am I going crazy or do I have good reason to be suspicious? and what do i do about the situtation?
OMG - re-read your own post. If you don't know what to do about him after reading your own workds, then there's no reasoning with you.
I can't believe you are raising a child in this violent environment. BOTH of you have anger issues, and that is NOT a good model for your child.
Yes I know it's not a good environment to bring up my daughter, but we agreed to give it one more go. I came here for advice not to be judged.
This is a man who has continued to abuse you both physically and emotionally and to top that he is messing around. Let us even put that aside. The most serious issue to deal with fit now is the abuse. I am strongly against it because any man who uses his woman as a punching bag is robbing her of her dignity as a woman. A woman is supposed to be cared for pampered and held in high esteem because you are his support and bearer of his child. Taking that into consideration you do not deserve to be treated like this. I honestly do not believe you should give this relationship another go. For your safety and the benefit of the child let him go and build a better life for you and your child. You do not deserve this rough lifestyle.
It seems like you do still love him very deeply and that is understandable. He is after all the father of your child. I am sure it is hurting you from within knowing that he could be seeing someone else but my advice? Let him go!!! Try and heal the heartbreak somehow but pls, for your own mental/physical health, kick him out.
Not only is he a woman beater but he is now also showing traits of a player? Fine you could ask him to go to counseling but what will it be next? Stealing?. He seems to have too many issues but seems to have shown no remorse for any of his wrong doings towards you.
If your gut feeling is right and you do find out he is seeing someone else, do cry, mourn too because thats only but natural but after a few days, pick yourself up and thank god for showing you his true colours sooner rather than later. See it as a blessing.
FORGET ASTROLOGY LINES!!!!
Take control of your own life....
You cannot think clearly because of the abuse, to the point where you do not have a notion of what real love is!!!!
I have a family member that is the same,I spent ten years giving advice being supportive etc for them to just walk head first into the same bad abusive relationship with another.
He was abusive just like your fella and secretive on internet etc with people,two timing. She kept wanting to solve it...... ignoring that SHE was in fact part of it....
it was the LACK OF OWNERSHIP that got her time and time again in these gutter relationships while her family was in danger.
They even went to counseling the counselor asked to not see them again she could not stand them and was unable to treat them.
The very IDEA counseling did not work was because the same STUCKNESS AGGRESSIVE CONTROLLING STANCE that the relationship built upon was overbearing. Counseling is about finding something good a foundation to build on. My family member wanted the counselor to take sides, just like she wanted the world to see her, but she refuses to see that she is just as bad. When you stand in you are the bad guy, when you do not you are still the bad guy!!!
This is TOXIC RUN and seek counseling on your own.... because you need to hear YOU.... what do you want from life !!!! This waste of space is an embarrassment to you and your child move on.
You cannot change him, LOVE is not present here at all. Look into your child's eyes and remember you were as small and innocent once,you had no control over what the adults in your life did or did not do. If you look hard enough into their eyes you will find your answer. Break the cycle,be brave which I believe you are, and I get the impression you have been a fighter all your life,and all the courage you need will be in your child's eyes.
You cannot keep living like this wondering if you have someone's love and respect.
Trust, love, compassion, they are all the foundation, your foundation is unstable, broken, was it ever there?
Please know that you are of huge value,you are a mum that is where your power is that is where your strength is, you can do this and you WILL be that pillar for them and for you. That is your way out, of this madness, ask yourself how are you going to feel if things are the same in 5 years time?
I can tell you in 5 years you and your child will be happy,safe, free from uncertainty, worry if you walk away from this place you are now in.
He makes me sick, when I read your post it disgusts me the way your fella treats you, the photos are sleezy.
He is also messing with your head, your thoughts and disrespecting your body.
Please know that I am not judging you, I understand you cannot think clearly with him and his attention seeking, abusive behavior to you, it is getting in the way of a more important relationships like your kid.
Don't you want them to not feel like they need to protect you... they will become the parent too soon, if you don't take that role quick, that is yours.
I hope things get better for you....... they will when you take the step out if this, you deserve support and love ,he does not process it stop looking for it in him ,for he is empty. Step out and live your life because you are missing out big time. Everything you need and want is in your power, not his or anyone else,you control your future.
Please find you voice here ,you already did by writing here, keep doing that keep listening to you,because you know you deserve better.
Hi never put up with abuse from anyone!!!! Father of child or not.......
I always tend to find when people give advice on a situation like this their personal experiences and emotions hinder or effect their advice in a major way. Everyone here seems to have been effected by this to some greater or lesser degree. Their advice isn't wrong, it all sounds perfectly reasonable to me. However I'm going to take a neutral stance here.
Firstly addressing his aggressive behavior. It was quite sudden and out of nowhere really, I can only assume it sprung up from how you acted with him. He got irritated began doing it, it became somewhat of a habit therefore it continued. Perhaps whenever there was conflict within the relationship he always felt this urge of irritation now to physically attack you, as you did before to him. He may have had the expectation you would not hesitate to do it again to. Perhaps feeling this sub-missed you not to do so.
Was he an aggressive person before towards others? Or did he only start acting this way to EVERYONE after this happened? If so I find that very odd.
The pictures of his penis on this phone does seem rather odd and while his excuse was rather odd, it sounds true? It doesn't sound like one of those stereotypical excuses you'd make up, if he wanted to hide something like that surely he'd come up with a better excuse. So I assume that, that's true as silly as it sounds.
If he kissed this girl behind his work place, this clearly indicates he is capable of cheating without much consideration with your feelings or the implications of doing so.
As for this actual suspicion you have, it seems very weak thus far. There is no actual hard evidence anything is really going on beyond friendship. You could say this about really any girl in his life currently. I think his action of being hesitant to get with you is also reasonable, since you are being so paranoid. Your paranoid rightly so because of what happened before, but going on the basis this person has changed it's demonstrating much trust that he has. Again rightly so, I'd be as cautious as you in this situation really.
He unblocking her is a sign he has a intention or is already friends with this person and talks to her on a fairly regular basis. I don't think him calling you crazy for thinking this is right, you welly within your bounds to be suspicious due to what happened last time.
Summing all that up, logically you have little reason to be suspicious beyond that they are friends, historically you do have reason to be suspicious. Logic is usually more reliable in these situations, but history definitely can have some influence here too. Considering both of these aspects I'm more inclined to think potentially he could be falling in love with this girl and he may consider her. However I don't get why he'd wanna get back with you only to then go back to her? Seems a bit pointless really? Surely he'd just not get back with you at all and then run off with her? There's a reason he wants you right now over her. With this in mind he could have changed, but you've gotta give him opportunity to show he's changed and you'll never know until you see that. Unfortunately giving him this chance also gives him the chance to obviously backstab you, emotionally and physically once more. That's a risk you'll have to take in you truly want to find out if he's changed for the better or not.
My conclusion upon this whole situation is: If you want to get back with him, you really want it to work out and your willing to take the risk of maybe getting hurt again. then do it. But only take that one risk, if it turns out he does backstab you, do not consider getting back with him again. He has had his second chance then (Second chance upon declaration he's changed anyway). If you feel this really isn't worth your time and you don't wanna get hurt like that again or even have a risk of it happening again, look elsewhere for love. It all comes down to what you want.
What do I think? Taking into consideration of logical and historical factors I'd be more inclined to think he may cheat again. However there is a chance he has actually changed, there is no denying this possibility. Therefore perceptually the odds are stewed towards bad, but may in fact be good. No one can really say until it happens, if you give it the chance to.
I hope that helped, I wish you good luck in whatever decision you choose and I hope you have a wonderful day
it's *NOT* demonstrating much trust that he has.
Just a correction.
Hi, thanks everyone for your replies, One of you asked if he was violent before I was to him and the answer is yes. He has adhd (not an excuse) and before we got together he was always getting into fights and used to batter his brother.
I have decided that I don't want to be in a relationship with him and I have told him this but it has led to him kicking off. I have also told him that I want him out the flat but even though his names not on the tenancy he won't leave
sorry if my post came across as harsh previously I found to hard to ignore your voice coming through and I felt it important to hear you.
Well done you have taken a massive positive step in the correct direction.
It is predictable of him to put up a resistance to you finding your voice here.
You need to stay strong here,buried your feet in the ground and do not budge on your assertiveness on this matter.
He does not believe that you will carry through with this. I do.
You both are not married, and he is not a tenancy he has not legal right to be there.
There is a history of violence reported to the police and he was charged with common assault . I take it you did not get a barring order? That would be enough to get rid and send a message to him that you will not tolerate this anymore.
You and your child feel threatened by his presence I would get an order permanently if you can. Have you got any male friends that can help remove him and his stuff from your home.
He has no legal right to be in your home.
I didn't get a restraining order as at I still wanted him to be part of our daughters life and didn't want to make it difficult for him to maintain contact. I wish I'd got one now though. I do have a few male friends however my ex is also friends with them and he had managed to convince them that I'm some kind of evil manipulative bitch who grassed him up so I doubt they would help. I have put my foot down though and have told him he a month to move out and if he kicks off or anything in that time or if he doesn't move out after that month I will either get an injunction on him or I will go to housing and ask to be placed somewhere else without him. Hopefully that will be the end.
I'm glad to here you've now come to a decisive decision on what you want to do. It sounds like the safest course of action, as such the healthiest course of action.
His violent tendencies towards his brother then indicates it was part of his personality to be aggressive before hand. So it isn't that out-of-the-blue in that regard.
Good luck on shutting this toxic person out your life, his reaction of throwing a tantrum when you refused to be with him again is unjust and again demonstrates you've made a good decision. Since if every time some conflict in the relationship comes up and he doesn't like it and gets all angry and does this. It won't work out since relationships need negotiation in times like those.
Hopefully this will make you live a much happier life, without the discord caused by this man.
Good luck and have a nice day.