Hi, I am at a loss as to what to do. I came out of a 20 year relationship and have 2 daughters who live with their monther. I then started another relationship and have been in this one 8 years, and we were married 4 years ago.
Since my wife and I have been together, I have always known she was a little clingy, but it has got so bad now, that we have only spent 8 hours apart in 8 months. Im going crazy and she doesn't think I should be. In the first year we were together, I met up with my life long male friend twice for lunch in a pub, and got shouted at both times, as she thought I was meeting girls, well at least thats what she said, but I know she knew I was meeting my best friend, and I have never been unfaithful in my marriage, or with her.
I was so taken by her, that I just stopped seeing my friends unless they came to see me at home, and the same with my family, I rarely saw them and only if she was with me, as she said there was no reason why I should see them on my own unless I have something to hide. After 4 years we married, and shortly after that she insisted my 2 daughter stop staying over every other weekend (aged 13 and 16), as they were too much like hard work, and she said that my ex was forcing them to stay so they would hate too in the end. So I told my daughters that they were big girls and didn't need to stay over anymore. This killed me, and still hurts now at the thought of it. My daughter though have been fine, and still phone me and text me.
I lost my job shortly after we married due to an injury in work, and received 250k for the severe injuries, and wanted to use the money to start my own business close to my daughters, family and friends, but somehow my wife got me to spend the money on a house 42 miles away from everyone instead. We sold her house and invested the 80k in doing the house up, and installed a static caravan so family and friend could stay over if they wanted to.
The idea was good, as I thought I would be able to see my family more and most of all my daughters more, but she has made it so that my family feel uncomfortable being around, while her own family and friends feel welcomed. She talked my youngest daughter into pulling out of college so I wouldn't have to pay maintenance, but my daughter ended up without a job until just this week, 2 weeks later. One thing I have been strong about was that I would pay the amount of maintenance my ex and I agreed on, no matter what, and that's what I did every week through my bank, without fail, she failed to control that one.
It's now been 8 years together, and a few months ago I told her I was so sad and wanted us to have 1 day a month where we do our own thing, without each other, but she refused, saying that if we need to be apart, then we shouldn't be together. I suggested we see a marriage guidance, but she said she tried that with her first husband and wouldn't do it again.
My sisters said I was looking really sad, and said I just have to tell her you want time to see your daughters without her once in while, after feeling sick with worry for days, I told her that I was going to see my daughters for the afternoon in a few days time. She went mad and got right in my face, saying "oh is this it now, you want to leave me out of family meetings". I said she was being silly and she had to stop. Anyway I picked my daughter up at 1pm and we had a picnic and a great time until 5pm, when I had to pick my wife up from her sisters where I had dropped her before picking my girls up. She has now developed a problem with driving anywhere and I have to take her with me or drop her off.
I am 51 years old, have travelled the world and lived a good life, until now. My sisters want me to get in my car and leave, they said I can stay with them until everything is sorted, but I am scared of leaving, and my heart is pounding at the thought of it and all the crap I will get.
Now, I do love her, I know I do, and she cooks all the meals, does all the housework, and I maintain the 2 acres of gardens. But I am putting on weight as she insists I eat what she makes and I am not allowed to go the gym or have bike as she says that she would never see me. She wants me around 24 hours a day, and it's killing me. I feel sick daily and I feel like crying most days. Over the last few days, I have put some clothes in my car and a few bits hidden, ready to make a run, but I think I have been conditioned to feel I would be doomed without her, what can I do, and sorry for the book here.
Cat at got your tongue?
Why are you so afraid of TELLING her how is needs to be - yet you have packed your bag and would take off in the dark of night.
Are you a coward?
Your wife's behavior is bizaare and you have allowed it to get to this point. INSIST on counseling or you will leave.
TELL HERE THAT. Let her scream or whatever she's going to do. You need to save yourself before this gets any more weird.
Iggy, people like your wife will always drive their partners away in the end because of their insecurity and she's pretty much achieved what most insecure people manage to do and that's isolate their partners from their friends and family. You need to man up and tell your wife where it stops.
Your wife still hasn't realised just what her problem is after her first marriage failed and she now refuses to get counseling simply because she's been there and done that.
Sure, you can love her but ask yourself if you're IN love with her. If you've made preparations to leave then you're half way there but if you do go, you need to keep on going and not look back..ever.
If you stay, you will still eventually walk away, but as a very tired soul having been ground down by your wife's constant and very unfair demands. Your health will eventually suffer and it doesn't matter what you do to try and live your life with this woman and attempt to make her happy, it will always be her way or the highway.
She has a problem but it's hers to realise and fix, not yours. You deserve someone who respects you for who you are and respects you as a person and not as a 'commodity' to control and manipulate. The longer you stay, the more you will enable her to keep on damaging you.
You're 51 years old and you know what you have to do to regain your happiness. The sooner you do it, the better off you'll be.
SusieDQ, thank you.
Yes I am a caword, I am scared to death of argueing with her, as she says some terrible things and gets right in my face, throws things, and has even threatened to trash my car. In the last arguement, she even said she didn't care whether or not the house burned to the ground! I was never a caword, I was once strong, had loads of friends, and was larger than life, but now my heart is a flutter most of the day with worry. She has refused counsiling, and she argues so well that I lose every time and end up wishing I hadn't said anything.
Manalone, thank you,
I wasn't thinking of leaving for good, just to make a statement and to actually have time to myself to see my family and friends without taking her with me and being kept to a time, but after reading your response, do you really think I should just keep going and not look back. You are right though, I do know what needs to be done, but I have become such a caword and I am scared to death.
When I get really worried, I just look back at all the times she has said "go spend some time with your girls" or "why don't you go catch up with your friends or family", and you know, not once since we have been together has she ever suggested such things, while I am always saying she should spend time with her friends. They ask her to meet up with them, but she always says she cant for whatever reason, and I think the reason is that would mean I can do it too, and that is never going to happen.
As a result of my accident, I went into depression, PTSD, and all that, and was having CBT each month. While having the CBT I was asked one week to drive there on my own. When I got there I was asked if I had, and I said I had, but actually I had to drop my wife off around the corner at the shops and then pick her up afterwards.
But she told me I wasn't to tell him. He actually said that he was worried I was in a controlling relationship, and this was only after 12 sessions. I don't know manalone, what a whimp I am hey.
Hi You are not a wimp ...... you are just in a relationship that is overbearing and you are beginning to see this now. As the truth unravels you will begin to see more confirmation of that.... you are passive in this , but quietly active,I see this by you writing this post and you are not suffering in silence anymore, your family have discussed this with you. You have removed some items out of the relationship into the vehicle of your possible escape. You are testing the idea,and you are indecisive, that is exactly the way you are meant to be feeling. These are all steps you take, so take a few more. In abusive relationships it takes years to see through the fog.
You have been through a huge trauma already and I think this relationship will stop you progressing.
I have not seen many years here where you spent time of your own, and by my calculations you were very young when you became attached seriously to a woman.
The years go fast and it is your life, when was it ever your own? You are wasting your life with her.
As Manalone has also said, You are not a coward IGGYPOP. Not at all. To me, it just shows you were raised the right way.
Why dont YOU try counselling on you own? Maybe through that you could find the strength and finally stand up to her.
I think leaving should be your last option. Pls dont think im being rude in anyway but You really do need to develop a backbone and stand up to her. Show her you mean it. Don t use violence but your words and actions should be enough. You say you cant stand up to her but only YOU can find a way of doing it. I mean what happens if the next woman you meet is also controlling? Will you stay miserable and eventualy leave her too? You say you still love her so pls, face the situation, dont run. Relationships are not easy and if you two can pull through this one then I am sure this will make you both stronger together. Show her her faults, be brave.
Sorry...I was meant to say 'as Mountain has pointed out..you are not a coward'
hi I suggest you take care of you here.
All that therapy is all YOUR hard work to get YOU in a better place. It will only come undone if you dilute it to PLEASE HER.
Is that not a part of the issue (pleasing her).
You can't CHANGE anybody in this world only YOURSELF.
Her issues are hers to work on.....
I made sure my chickens had enough food and water for weeks, jumped in my car, and drove out of the gate today. Then I parked up like a coward and text my wife “I love you. Going crazy. Need some space”.
Within minutes I got a phone call telling me what a horrible person I was, and she went on without taking a breath saying some horrible things. She even asked if I had been abused as a child. She knows my 2 sisters were by my horrible dad who is now dead.
She said it was over and she wanted me to put the house on the market on Monday. I said OK if that’s what you want, I just need some time to myself once in a while and I will be fine. She said if a couple needs time apart, then they shouldn’t be together, then hung up.
I carried on then to my sisters. My sister said I could stay at hers if I wanted to, but I told her I have to go back home to sort it all out and face the music. And a couple of hours later, I was back at home, to yet more nasty things being said (I did expect this of course).
She said her dad was upset about it and offered to sit with us to talk about it, but she said no, it’s too late. She said her dad sounded like he was on my side and not hers and that he heard the world on the street was that I she didn’t give me any time out. I have never said anything to him, so he must have seen it himself.
A few minutes later, she said that if I was a real man, I would pack a bag and leave her to her thoughts, so I packed a bag and left. A mile down the road and I receive 2 texts from her telling me what an horrible person I was again, and worse!
I carried on to my sisters and will be here until I can work out what to do. I must admit, it feels good to be away, but scary to feel what will happen next. And I am so looking forward to being able to spend more time with my daughters aged 18 and 20.
Iggy, your wife will always say nasty and horrible things to you in any situation. She thinks she owns you and therefore she criticizes and humiliates you. She'll use any form of communication to ensure she gets her message across. If she can't say it to your face but would rather use sms then she is a coward...not you. She sees how you react to it all and the power she has over you and therefore just keeps on making you live up to her immature expectations.
If you prevent giving her the power, she can no longer manipulate you and your marriage situation. Her opinion that if people need time apart, then they shouldn't be together are typical words and behavior of a controlling person. She will always demand and always have the last word.
When she advises you to be a real man, then be a real man and take control of your life. Don't give her the satisfaction but rather, give yourself every chance to regain your happiness and most importantly your freedom to do what makes you happy.
You're no whimp Iggy..you have your own standards, live up to them..don't go down to hers.
Even her dad is on your side iggypop! Thats good to know. IF you continue the way you are, as in taking control of the situation by refusing to be her punching bag, I think she will slowly start seeing sense and will realise that she was to blame.
Dont give in to her. Let her miss your presence. And if at any point you feel you no longer know what to do, you have always got this place to come to. I feel that many people here have given some great, sound advice. You are not alone. Good luck my friend
It is really strange, as I lay here on my mum couch at 5am (mums couch at 51 years old, but only 1 night then with my sister for a while), it feels good to know there are people here who are supporting me on this.
I can’t tell you how scary and strange it is to wake up to a morning without my wife after never spending a night apart, only that it is the weirdest feeling to know that I can get myself washed and dressed (I always did this myself by the way ), but now I can get in my car, and go for drive, or to the shops, or a family members, or visit my oldest best mate at his café who I have always made excuses to for not calling in to see it and him.
I told my youngest daughter that I was down this way tomorrow (today), and if she would like, I could drive her to her first job contract signing which she has today, and she text me back to tell me that her mum was taking her, but would love me to pick her up afterwards, and I can’t wait. A simple thing like that and I am over the moon about it, how strange is that.
I am also very worried about what the day will bring with regard to abuse from my wife, but I will keep my phone on silent so it will not startle me or make me feel sick if it rings. I have been checking my phone all through the night, expecting something from her. I don’t know why, it’s like I have been conditioned to feel I can’t do anything without her or her say so.
I will keep you posted, if you lot don’t mind that is, as I feel your input and knowing that someone is listening to me is a big help at this time. Thanks
Hi well done... massive step....
It is this simple sometimes....
'If you have to stop being all of who you are to be half of a couple it is a bad deal'