Firstly I hear alot of anger and criticism towards yourself.
This is rooted in childhood and you have absorbed negative feedback from your father..... The Critical Parent probably over time has become part of your unconscious rules, they are your co-ordinates for your map of reality,of how you operate in the world, your belief system, you fear rejection,again.
As a result the concept of self,is damaged. You are wide open to exploitation,from others and your biggest critic is YOURSELF.
How does it feel when I tell you that you are continuing the negative crap from your father.
There is a need inside of you to protect yourself. You need massive reassurance,love protection, I can tell you that you can feel level again.
Go to couselling, it will help, explore your conditioning, which is very damaging to you.
We have to parent ourselves as adults.
From what you are saying you are regressing back to childhood, you are passive, and inside your mind you believe that their opinion of your appearance is more valuable, without that you are worthless right?
Option 1,stay here in this place that you are locked into, and forever play out the past and the dynamics between you and your father. Nothing will change ,it will stay the same, it is comfortable for you in some way, even though it hurts, but it means saying goodbye to that child, and parenting her. Negotiate with your inner child, because she is your responsibility now.
I am the same ,and so is everybody else as adults we parent ourselves. We undo are parents parents crap and we find ourselves.
Change the unconscious script.
You do not need any bodies else approval only your own!!!!!!!!!
Give yourself the compliments, put yourself on that pedestal, worry first about the most important RELATIONSHIP in your life,that is the one you have with you.
The inner dialogue you have with yourself is one of the saddest ones I have read, please seek counseling and alter that software.
Its simply about how you carry yourself in the world,start by telling you father to politely F_OFF..... because he is wrong, walk out on the street and ask 20 people all of them will agree.
Your husband does not understand you most men do not get that deep emotional need. That is yours do protect. i do not know your husband but I'd say he would want you to be happy inside and I am sure if it was possible,he would. He can't it is impossible for him,he is too busy keeping himself above water. The expectation is too high. You want him to see you, SEE yourself.
You father's comment was cruel and pulled you down, for sure. Your self esteem is very low. and now you have a man who you say pulls you down.
Time to explore all these feeling with a counselor. Good luck. You are so hard on yourself,dear.
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