Left alone with a lot of questions
Me and my Fiance had been dating approx 6 months. We both came out of prior relationships around the same time and started seeing each other weeks after our other breakups. We had been flirting and friendly for quite a long time before we got together. We both started out kind of cautious, but in no time we were with each other all the time. We were in essence completely and madly in Love.
As the months progressed moving in and marriage was discussed. I asked her parents and grandparents for their blessing and they all were ecstatic about the idea. Her family told me they had not seen her this happy in all her life. We both have daughters from prior relationships and they got along wonderfully. They had even started calling each other sister.
I purchased a ring and popped the question. It was an instant YES....we celebrated and she was so happy. Within the week she had placed deposits on venue,cake, decorations,flowers etc. She set up the pictures and we had a date set about 6 months down the road. prior to this we had a 7 day cruise planned. And following the return of the cruise her house was in contract to sell and she would move in with me in a few weeks.
We went out our cruise and it was amazing. The day we were set to return her demeanor and attitude changed. She seemed very preoccupied and quiet. On the drive home I asked her if she was ok and if she was ready to spend our lives together. She told me that something had happened within her in last few days and everything was moving so fast and she wasn't ready to commit to marrying me. She said her ex had contacted her a few months ago about the changes he made in his life and he wanted her back.
She told me that at the time she had no interest and told him no that it was over. She admitted to me that he had been popping up in her mind and she couldn't marry me if she had any what ifs or regrets about her past. She said she had no time to heal after her breakup with the ex.
She told me that everything she felt for me was true and that she had fully intended on going through with all the plans. She stated she had to be true to herself and her feelings and that it wouldn't be fair to either of us to get married and have doubts.
I told her I wasn't mad and I still loved her more then anything and that if her heart had a change of mind that I would be here.
It has been 3 weeks since we broke up and 2 weeks with no contact at all. All I can think about is her. She is everywhere I look in everything I hear. I have never in all my life been more upset,sad and empty about anyone thing in my life.
I Truly love her with all my heart and I know there is a good chance we will never be together again and I promised myself I would give her the space and let her figure things out.
It has been far harder then I imagined. I have no appetite I have lost 15lbs in 3 weeks, no drive and when thoughts of her creep into my head I just feel like the wound has been reopened.
For some frame of reference.....I am 34 she is 25 I am divorced she has never been married. Even my divorce had not even close to this effect on me. The two prior real relationships she had been in were with guys that she took care of that took her for granted and put themselves above her and her child.
I know this is a long post but I just needed an outlet to get it out. Family and Friends have been supportive but its just different.
I can totally understand how you feel. As hard as it sounds but it looks like your ex has gone back with her ex and when things no longer work out with her and her partner, she will most probably be in touch with you.
I know its easier said than done but Dont let this effect your health or mind. She cant feel or understand what you are going through as she is clearly occupied with her life now.
She will be in touch, I am sure. Hopefully by then YOU will have moved on.
Thank you for the reply and the insight.
I have learned over the past few weeks with some serious research and being more self aware about my situation that LOVE is Giving and not Possession. I truly want to give her the gift of freedom and happiness...I used to think that meant that I had to be in her life.
Even though everyday is a challenge it has gotten ever easier to get through the days.
However if she were to be in contact one day...I hope and pray that I have the strength to tell her that we can revisit "US" but it would have to be from a new starting point with all the past issues cleared up and no hard feelings....Is that me just holding on ??? maybe.
Yes and thats only but normal BUT she has left you heart broken. She has moved on with her ex and didnt think about you. Do you really want that sort of person in your life in the near future? If she has done this to you now then she could do this to you again?
As I said, I totally understand what you are going through. The best way to describe it is the feeling that you are mourning the loss of a loved one yet no one has died!. Hope that made sense. But, you are better than that. You deserve more. With time and the right people in your life, I do hope you will get over her sooner rather than later.
The reason this hit you so hard is because of all this climax up to the marriage. All the plans that were set seemingly in stone, the planned cruise, moving in, getting married, everyone happy and celebrating, your mindset of being with her forever and foreseeing of nothing ever going wrong. Then boom! When something like that does happen, it hurts, very much.
I think this entire build-up may have been what caused her realization or made her over-look what she actually felt. Basically the influx of happiness clouded her from considering these memories floating around about her ex. I'm sure she was happy as you were in this build up, but it struck her right in tracks, which then caused your tracks to take a hit too. I'm sure it couldn't have been easy for her.
Although, I think she's always going to have "what ifs" and regrets about the past. Since you can't change the past and if you had no regrets your life would literally be perfect. "What ifs" Are basically regrets you think you could have over-turned, but you can't over-turn them now. It's too late, therefore all that can be done is to accept them. Therefore in this regard I don't believe she will ever truly be satisfied in her thinking space on this matter. She's always going to be caught in indecision, unless she accepts the regrets she has as being unchangeable and irrelevant to the present day. She could get back with her ex, in which case she'll most likely have some sort of regret about you, then this cycle may repeat. Or maybe she'll just be in this limbo for a great length of time.
In this instance I think there is one main thing she needs to consolidate with herself: Does she truly love you or her ex? Which one is love and which one is friendship or intrigue to go back and change things? Perhaps if she classes both as love, then what? Only one can really be chosen, in that case she could just choose neither and stay friends with both of you. Although that way could be bad for everyone, as both parties would just yearn for more. In this regard, I think consolidation of her feelings right now is crucial, not her feelings in the past.
Unless she specifically asked for no contact, I think you should at least drop a Hi to her. That way it doesn't look like you were only in it for being a lover, she can still be your friend, if you can cope with your feelings towards her that is. With this conversation perhaps question her on what she has currently figured out. Maybe try to help her into making a decision, may it be towards you or her ex. Try to be unbiased in the matter, although I can understand it being really hard not to, potentially.
Unfortunately I don't think anyone in this position could have avoided being hit with this wave of sadness. I'd usually say, rely more on yourself and not others for happiness. Which is still a valid point that can be made, but after all those plans not even independence on your own happiness would stop this blow. But nevertheless independence on yourself for your own happiness can still get you through the aftermath of this. Therefore that is what I recommend, find something that can make you happy without relying on another person. Like a hobby for instance, It's easier said than done to do this, but a strong skill to have.
In conclusion, talk to her again, you've got no reason not to. You should probably be updated on what she currently thinks. Unless again she said don't contact her.
I wish you the best of luck with your relationship and I hope you have a wonderful day
DOMINICWILD I do agree with what you have stated but would like to draw upon that.
Yes, to a certain extent I do agree that unless his ex asked for no contact then he could contact her BUT I believe this will be more of a tactical move on behalf of SOMEBODYSUPERMAN and may just work in his favour. How? This is likely to put his ex in two minds again. At the moment, yes, in her case it could be out of site out of mind so if he does make regular appearances in her life this will throw her in confusion and everytime she is with her ex, she will think if this is the right move. Surely thats what her ex did when she was with SOMEBODYSUPERMAN.
But the only problem here is it could put SOMEBOYSUPERMAN through even more heartache. Just remember, his ex and her ex had history. Im sure they had more than 6 months together so he to a certain extent will have more of an influence UNLESS she decides that she really does not love her ex anymore. SOMEBODYSUPERMAN will have to be mentally head strong to continue speaking to his ex knowing that she is now with her partner. That could turn out for the better for SOMEBODYSUPERMAN OR it could break him down even more.
And her realisation only crept in when her ex contacted her. She was happily going through the wedding arrangments prior to that.
My opinion? If SOMEBODYSUPERMAN doesnt want to have any regrets and 'what ifs' then he should try with all his heart to win her back. But do be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster.
Thank you for time and feedback DOM.
She never asked for no contact but she did wish me happiness and that she knew I would find someone who would love me like I deserved to be loved.
She stated she was very sorry and feels terrible that she had to make this decision.
Even with the talk of her ex she never came out and said she was getting back with him, I just kinda assumed that it would happen sooner or later and if I just came to terms with it now it wouldn't hurt as bad.
I feel that if I do talk to her it will just remind her that I am always gonna be there and it won't give her a chance to actually miss me and "us" maybe she wont anyway, but I do not want to be that guy that bugs her. I feel that what we shared was something special and she has to know that I still care.
The hardest part is the not knowing what she is doing or how she is feeling....but there is a sort of relief in not knowing if it is truly over...I know that will not help me in the long run...
I can't get over the feeling that I am supposed to be with this person....I have never been more sure of anything in my life...at the same time I know I could be completely blindfolding myself to the truth....but as it is still new and raw....the emotion "love" is almost like a drug and coming off of it is very hard...and when you see or hear about the person you love more then anything your brain has a similar reaction as if a recently kicked chemical had been reintroduced back in me.
I know I sound silly and I have read and read many articles and sought out advice from a variety of different people...I just can't believe that I should give up on her just yet.
Thanks for all the responses.....TBH having this conversation with a bunch of strangers is making me feel the best I have about the situation so far.
You are exactly right. The relationship with my ex and her ex was 3 years of living together....which ended with her kicking him out and a 5 min break up conversation. They do have history and that is something I cannot change.
I wanted to try and be No contact for 2 months before I even try to initiate a hello or how are you doing?.....I feel if I contact first it shows me as weak and attached.
Let me also reiterate...we never fought or had any issues...we were crazy about each other all the way to the day before the end.
And in her words. "something changed and I don't feel the same way" She said she didn't see it coming and it just happened.
Once again thanks for the responses.
That something that changed was her ex came back.
Why will you leave it two months?! IF you feel she is worth it, try getting in contact with her now! Dont let your pride get in the way. Dont drag this on for another 2 months. Hopefully by then you will either know for sure if you two will get back together OR you will be on a better recovery to healing your heart.
In my opinion, if I were you I would try and walk away now. Let her deal with her own issues with her ex. Dont forget, she chose her ex over you and when she does realise YOU were the better man, hopefully you will be with a 'better' woman who loves you for you.
The cruise ...something happened on the cruise that changed her line of thinking. If its not directly you then it could be someone whom she talked to gave her some opinion. Someone might have said she is deciding too soon and it might be a rebound May be circumstances that presented in front of her took her thoughts to her child? (I am assuming that ex is the father of her child).
But I feel its too early to feel dejected (since there was so much chemistry between you both). She might still be sorting herself out. Give her that time. In the meanwhile just keep yourself occupied with something new to do. Set yourself a new goal to achieve and work towards that. Push her thoughts aside each time it pops up and change your focus to something else. Will take sometime to settle fully but you will settle with it eventually with time.
Realtimer......I will definitely take your advice about investing too much too soon...A relationship in the past made me very unemotionally available for about 12 years even through my marriage. This time things felt different and I gave her my all....wont make that mistake again so soon.
K.....Thanks for pointing out the reality that she chose her unsettled feelings about her ex over me...it stings but I needed to hear that.
Shivangi....Her ex is actually not the father he is the last serious relationship after the one with her child's father.
"But I feel its too early to feel dejected (since there was so much chemistry between you both). She might still be sorting herself out. Give her that time. In the meanwhile just keep yourself occupied with something new to do. Set yourself a new goal to achieve and work towards that. Push her thoughts aside each time it pops up and change your focus to something else. Will take sometime to settle fully but you will settle with it eventually with time."
This statement rings absolutely true with how I am trying to cope...and the chemistry was intense and it never let up until the last day. That is why I still cannot believe she could just be over me that quick.
I am sorry, but you were this woman's "rebound man." That's the first man someone meets after a breakup and it's meant to make you feel better.
The problem was, you fell in love and she fell in love with being in love. Then reality hit her.
My bet is that she won't come back. She would be talking to you if she were even thinking about it.
Be glad you found out she just was not reay NOW instead of later.
I know this hurts like crazy, but you two moved too fast and it backfired on you.
Thanks for the Reply SUSIEQD.
We had actually known each other about a year before we started dating.
All in all that doesn't change the fact that I was a rebound...although she swears that I was not and her feelings were real. And you know what maybe just like you said...she was in love with the thought of being in love.
Its making more sense everyday. She told me after we broke up that I was everything she ever dreamed of that I was all she ever wanted in a man...If that were true your right she would have at least explored other options then just goodbye.
When you feel so SURE about something its so hard to believe that you could have been wrong. I am the type of person that when I want something I go out and get it...So when something is taken away from me I obviously want it that much more.
Just dealing Day to Day.....and trying to see a future beyond all of this pain and heartache.
Thanks for the replies