PeoplesProblems Logo

Cold feet or something more???

- Jun 7 2014 at 22:11
Member since: Jun 2014
Relationship advice Backstory-I met my fiancé 9 1/2 years ago. We met at a house party, he had his eyes on me since he saw me and about 3hrs later he approached me to talk. It didn't go well, we ended up arguing over something stupid and our personalities completely clashed, i was a total b*tch and he turned into a total a$hole. While in the midst of fighting over a chair to sit in I fell onto him and we accidentally locked lips. The song closer by NIN came on, and we ended up having the most intense, amazing, angry sex ever (and have been together ever since) lol. A year later in the relationship we moved in together and by the 3rd year had bought a house and had our first child. Roll another year 2nd child comes, he proposes, I say yes, he gets promoted at work and we move. Another year goes by I have 3rd child he's promoted again and we move into a mansion, he's the boss of the company. I stay at home and live a very comfortable life, I buy whatever I want and fiancé brings home the bread, (and we continue to still have regular amazing sex). Because it just seemed like we were pregnant or moving we postponed our wedding. Since the beginning our personalities have been polar opposite, we share different values, religious perspectives, and cant agree on how the kids should be raised (disciplined). Im an artistic type person and hes more executive. I think we worked well so long because we seemed to fill the others voids as to what we didn't have (for example, I'm quiet, he's social). But sometimes i think we are TOO different and over the years it has been a major struggle to live together in harmony. Our 10 years together is coming up and the fiance wants to married on that day. For some stupid reason Im DREADING that day! I get all sweaty and my heart beats fast. See, for me marriage is until DEATH, so I want to make absolutely sure its the right decision. Theres one more thing, during our 2nd year together my best friend had a family member pass away, so I travelled alone to go to the funeral and support her. At the funeral i met a friend of her husbands that was in the military. When we met there was an immediate attraction as if two magnets had come together. We talked and shared our life stories and had similar personalities. Although we never engaged in flirting or even talking that would resemble infidelity, everyone at the funeral kept asking if we were "together". I spent all my energy towards supporting my friend, but I just cant shake the connection I had with that soldier. Afterwards I would think about what we talked about (he had many guys die in front of him and a missile actually landed in his tent but didn't detonate) and the emotional connection was very intense. My friend told me that he had confessed to her a year later that he still thought about me and that he had wished I had been available cause he would have married me asap. I dont even know if hes even still alive, but its been years and I still think about him. Is this just typical cold feet, and Im just being a moron? Please help!

Cold feet or something more???

- Jun 8 2014 at 00:59
Member since: Dec 2013
You have almost 10 years and 3 children with this man, and you are dreading marriage? I don't get it . . .

Re: the soldier boy. Yes, they are very seductive (I'm sure he's cute) and you are suffering from LUST, so cool it and get back to reality.

The REALITY is that you are VERY enmeshed with a man who now you say takes too much energy to be married to. So what have you been doing all this time?

Like I said - I don't get it.

Cold feet or something more???

- Jun 8 2014 at 01:45
Member since: Dec 2013
Nearly 10 years is a long time. Throw in 3 kids and you may as well be married. You're already doing what married couples do. Do you really think you a marriage certificate will make any difference? Do you really think it's easier to get out of this relationship if you do get married?

You need to determine if you're really happy with your fiance regardless of the circumstances. If you're not, then you need to move on or discuss your issues with your man to enable you to be happy with him.

Cold feet or something more???

DOMINIC WILD (moderator)
- Jun 8 2014 at 04:00
Member since: Mar 2013
That's certainly a love story and a half of how you met. "We fought over a chair" --- 10 years later --- "Move into a mansion, have 3 kids" Talk about a plot twist.

Anyway, as you state this is probably just as you call it "cold feet". The thoughts that you are having right now is the alternatives you could have chose that were in your past. However this past memory is 8 YEARS AGO. Therefore it has very little relevance right now. It's irrational to be thinking of that right now and it's irrelevant.

You've spent 10 years with this and have 3 kids. Personally that's the best build-up you could ever get to marriage. Apart from your clash or personalities your still with each other? 10 years is a pretty long time to be with someone who you find hard to get a long with. Clearly you two are happy most of the time, if you're not then what the hell has happened in that 10 years? If there are any problems you have right now, any MAJOR problems that is, problems that make you majorly sad majority of the time need to be ironed out or some type of negotiation needs to be brought out to fix those problems. If there are any, it doesn't sound like there is to be honest.

You see marriage as this best, this "marriage to death" When in reality, marriage does not really change anything. It's a nice concept to have I guess? You now have a piece of paper saying you're officially together, but I can't see that changing much of anything. It just makes a break-up harder, if it were to occur. Judging from your 10 years together though I don't think there will be much if any problems though. As if there was a problem nomming away at the relationship it would have gobbled it all up by now.

If you're scared but yet excited, I don't think there is much to worry about. If you're happy with the relationship, there is nothing wrong. It's natural to feel nervous though, I mean it's a big life event for some people, you evidently are one of those people. In fact let me pose a question, if you're having doubts on marrying THIS person who you've been with for 10 years and had 3 kids with, then who else in the world do you think you're gonna wanna marry? o.O

I think personalities being polar opposite is a good thing really. If you can manage each others opposing opinions, that shows incredible amounts of acceptability of your partner and who they are. If you can have reasonable and sensible debates about your opinions and differences. Explains why you think the way you do, without getting each other offended or storming off into a fit of rage. It just demonstrates a strong bond together. Plus it's an incredible learning experience to see and learn how their polar opposite behaviors work. It can drive discussion and things to talk about. If you think about it, someone who shares the same opinions as you and the same view-points and habits get pretty boring. There is nothing to discuss or get intrigue, cause you know all these habits, view-points and opinions like the back of your hand, cause you share them. Whereas with polar opposites there isn't that degree of similarity.

In conclusion, I think you'd be silly not to marry this person. As long as there are no major problems in your relationship, which again seems unlikely. If you want to get married, I see no issue actually getting married. If you don't wanna get married than express it to him, although if you don't want to, then one assumes you would not wanna get married period, to anyone.

I hope that helps, good luck with your relationship and/or getting married ;) I hope you have a wonderful day.

Cold feet or something more???

- Jun 9 2014 at 19:32
Member since: Feb 2014
Hi I think you are extremely lucky to have the life you have many do not get that chance.

It is possibility that you are looking at getting married as final.

Its far from final.

Its the beginning open your mind to it being a positive thing.

This experience 8 years ago ,may seem perfect. But it is not reality ,you have not seen him he could be married now.

Replies are no longer accepted on this thread. Why not start your own topic? - it only takes a moment to register with your e-mail address