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Cheating while on a break?

Posted by
LOST55
on Jun 10 2014 at 04:58
Member since: 10 June 2014
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Is it cheating if you take a break to do it?
Reply from
MANALONE
on Jun 10 2014 at 08:48
Member since: 29 December 2013
Firstly, if you intend to, or think you might get back together, then yes, it is cheating.

Secondly, if you plan to take a break to exclusively cheat, then you really have no business being in a relationship in the first place.

But, if you break it off completely for whatever reasons and know you're not going back ever, then you're free to do whatever you want with whoever.

So, if want to go elsewhere, go as free soul. That way you won't have to take a break to cheat.

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Jun 10 2014 at 12:21
Member since: 27 December 2013
When two people "take a break" then they should discuss exactly what that means. Does it mean date others or is it just time apart - alone - to do something or to think about the future.

It sounds like you are taking a "break" in order to explore feelings for someone else. You really do need to tell your current BF/GF what your intentions are.

Reply from
LOSTINLIFESWOOS
on Jun 10 2014 at 16:49
Member since: 10 June 2014
I have been in this situation before and no matter how much of a break you are taking if you get back with the person you were with before, they will still be upset if they find out.

My advice is clarify the terms of the break in the relationship, so that no one can get upset. If you do not there is a possibility that it can come up in the future and create more issues.

Reply from
YAZOOSQUELCH
on Jun 13 2014 at 01:31
Member since: 13 June 2014
It may not be "cheating" but it is dishonest. Relationships don't come with "time-outs", you're either in one or you're not. If you have an overwhelming desire to be with other people you should perhaps reconsider being involved with that person or anyone else for that matter.
Reply from
SHIVANGI
on Jun 13 2014 at 06:38
Member since: 24 April 2014
Why are you on a break? Means you are not sure you have to be with that person, isn't it? Now your mind is looking for validation to cheat. What does it mean? It means you do not feel complete with that person. So better to completely break up and move on, isn't it?
Reply from
DOMINIC WILD (moderator)
on Jun 13 2014 at 09:33
Member since: 15 March 2013
I think "taking a break" in a relationship comes with a certain expectation that you're still in a relationship. Therefore in terms of your wording, yes it's cheating.

However as everyone as stated it depends on the clarify of your intentions towards your partner. If you tell your partner and he's A.O.K and understands why you want to do it and accepts it. Then yeah sure why not?

If you intend to not get back. Or are simply using this as an excuse to get out of the relationship then you should probably question why you are continuing t be in this relationship?

If you want more specific advice on this issue, I suggest including some details about your relationship and intentions. That way we can all give better advice, if you so wish.

Good luck with your relationship and have a wonderful day :)

Reply from
LOST55
on Jul 2 2014 at 01:41
Member since: 10 June 2014
I have been dating someone for several years and everything was always great. but for the last year and half or so we have been arguing a lot. I know most of those were my fault, i was becoming too attached/clingy and would get upset when he wasn’t around and say things i didnt mean. I didn’t realize how it was affecting him and how upset he was over all that. he never said anything much but a few months back he said he needed time to work on himself and needed a break after I started an argument. that was the first time he ever said anything like that so i freaked out and didn’t really give him the space. I gave him a few days but then kept saying mean things like we should break up or date other people and so on. He still saw me and one weekend everything was fine and then I got upset with him over something and he said that’s it we need to be just friends for a while.

About 2 weeks later I went out with him and saw on his phone that he was talking to another girl and a few other girls like he was single. This girl was sexting him and they had phone sex but all talking never fully nude pics and never physically saw each other in person. When I found out he realized how upset I was and stopped talking to her. He said he was talking to her before the break but it was just talking and it was nice to have someone to talk to who wasn’t arguing with him and the sexting didn’t start till much later after the break and I kind of pushed him to it with all the arguing and not giving him any space. I also told him stuff like I will start dating and so on while we were on a break. He said he never planned on seeing her and didn’t care for he and just saw it as equivalent to porn and he did feel bad about it. I had talked to the girl and she said they talked a lot and she found it weird that he would always ignore the idea of her coming to see him. For some reason I keep seeing it as cheating because I don’t think I ever fully accepted we were on a break/broken up, also he told me he wasn’t hooking up with or seeing anyone. Also the fact that they started talking before we were on a break kind of didn’t sit well with me. I think a part of me is paranoid that what if he took a break to do that but a part of me realizes that I did argue a lot and get mad at him a lot for no reason. He tried after but also told me that if we don’t stop fighting then it wont work. I don’t think he took a break to cheat since he never physically did anything but it wont leave my mind and i keep getting paranoid. I also feel maybe nothing would have happened if i just gave him the space he asked for in the first place. Overall hes a good guy but i never thought things would come down to this. Our relationship was really amazing for years but the last few months have been really hard. I know its long and kind of a stupid situation but any input from another person would be helpful.

Reply from
COLDSNOWBUNNY
on Jul 2 2014 at 17:03
Member since: 08 June 2014
if you told him it was ok to see other people and that you were going to see other people then that is on you. You cant blame him for seeing other people when you told you were going to as well. At least he feels bad about it and was honest with you. I wouldn't have even felt bad about it. Besides, you even said he quit talking to her after you got upset about it. Yeah that would piss me off too that he was talking to her before you two broke up. He shouldn't do that again. You can see where his "friend" ship with other women take him.
Reply from
K
on Jul 4 2014 at 04:28
Member since: 09 April 2014
From what you have said, it sounds like you do have a good man.

You have said it yourself that you were clingy and did not give him his space and argued with him. During this emotional imbalance, yes, he probably did want to leave the relationship, yes, he probably did want to see other girls however, when the opportunity was given to him (meet up with the other girl) he chose to not go and realised his loyalty stood with you. His actions there just spoke volumes as to how he really does feel about you.

You need to control your behaviour if you really do want him to stay in your life. Give him his space.Stop being needy and stop looking back.

Listen to your bf's needs. He is not asking for much. This time he may have walked away from temptation but the next time that may not be the case.

Reply from
LOST55
on Jul 12 2014 at 18:58
Member since: 10 June 2014
i agree. Even though we were on a break/broke up, the sexting was wrong in my eyes bc I may have said stuff out of anger but I would not have done anything. he realizes that and said he would never let that happen again and felt terrible that it hurt me.

I think my over compensation and smothering came out of insecurity. He keeps trying himself but when we argue he says we need space and be friends for a bit to figure things out and he doesn\'t want us to fight and resent each other. At the same time when I say we should do something he spends time with me and he texts me after to say he had fun. Maybe I was being selfish with trying to hold on so tightly and expecting him to change his feelings and act the same as before right away without working on mine?

He was always a good bf and i may have taken his patience for granted. right now he made it clear that he cares about me but doesnt know what he wants for certain. he still says i love you back and he tells me to just go with the flow and not put pressure on either of us. before all this we did have an amazinggg relationship/connection and I am hoping it goes back to that.

Reply from
LOST55
on Jul 12 2014 at 21:21
Member since: 10 June 2014
also the main issue I am having is that I want to give space but I also want to make sure he is not stringing me along and I am not setting myself up for a heartbreak.

I don't feel like I take away too much time out his day. We do text everyday and see each other once or twice a week. i have asked if he wants space just so its easier to break up after and he says no..that's not the reason.

Also he had told me he wont care if I look at his phone and everything will be transparent between us again and we will do this and that and the he really loves me and doesn't want to lose me the weekend we decided to work things out. But a few weeks later he doesn't like me by his phone bc he things I will go through it.I have told him I don't plan on reading all his messages or anything and when he acts like that then I automatically think is there something he is trying to hide. He says he has nothing to hide but he doesn't feel comfortable with that because he feels like someone is checking up on him and he hates that.

I am having a hard time figuring out that balance/line between showing I care and smothering him. Also the balance between trying to express my concerns and not making it come across as nagging.

what do guys think about this? how much contact is good without being overwhelming. also is it ok to just go with the flow for a while in a relationship and see how it turns out or is it better to talk things through? And lastly, would you be ok with your bf/gf looking at your phone or using it or would you feel uncomfortable about that in general? I like to talks through things and am pretty transparent and honest about everything but I know a lot of other people don't feel the same.

And for all the guys...do you still like the chase even in a relationship? if your gf was calling and the one trying do you get annoyed more easily? Ive noticed sometime when a bf is trying then its aww he really cares and if the gf is trying then she can get put into the crazy category.

Reply from
DOMINIC WILD (moderator)
on Jul 12 2014 at 23:06
Member since: 15 March 2013
It seems this topic was active before, didn't see the new update on the situation.

This is a strange situation. In the 7 years you've been together why is it only now you begin to act this way? All "clingy" and "smothering"? Are you sure it's that too? I mean it doesn't seem like you're especially clingy, to me the main problem is the arguments you make over what you classify was not that meaningful problems. You could argue that's a bi-product of spending too much time near him or too much dedicated time though.

This guy has been quite resilient on being with you. You were insensitive to his feelings and he was hurting from your actions, but he didn't mention it. He may have been hurting long before, like years before, depending on what the arguments starting occurring. This was bad on his part for not mentioning it sooner, but you could also argue you should have seen it made him sad too. Even after he got mad, and said perhaps you should two start dating other people, he still stayed. That's quite some dedication if he was continually getting hurt. Not many people would do that.

This all collapsed into him wanting a break, which is again understandable. At this point I assume the relationship for him brought more sadness than happiness, so a break makes a lot of sense to potentially come back when you've calmed down from throwing arguments.

His actions during the break seem rather logical too. He was talking to other people to make himself happy, since the relationship was not fulfilling that, perhaps that escape is what kept him from going completely over the top and leaving.

Even though he sexted this girl too he immediately dropped it when he saw you were upset by it. Which again shows care for your feelings and dedication. He was also clear on the situation of talking to her even before the break, he didn't need to add that detail. Chances are you would have not found out that detail either, unless you looked further enough back in his phone anyway.

If you said you'd start dating other people, it also makes sense for him to begin to branch out at that point. Since it does sound like a rather dooming situation for your relationship at that point. So perhaps he was backing out in that time to prepare for the worst, or even he was caught in indecision whether to stick around in the relationship or move on.

I don't believe he went on this break solely to do that either. Since as you said you got angry over something and THEN he made he decision. Which indicates it was weighing on his mind at the time and most likely you getting angry was the vocal point of why he wanted too. So you pushed it over the edge and he made the decision. Plus he could have gone much further as you said, also it would be really odd just to go on a break to do this and then go back? Doesn't seem worth it, to go sext with another girl like one time then head back into a relationship you were previously sad in? And he never went to physically see her either, so his intentions checks all the boxes for being legitimate and not for this reason.

I don't think his sexting was wrong, given the context of the things you said. If you two were constantly arguing and you were saying things you did not mean, then how is he supposed to know that you wouldn't do any of those things you said but, did not mean?

I'm sorta confused as to whether if right now you're in the relationship still? I assume you are if he still says he loves you.

I REALLY don't think he's stringing you along for a heartbreak. That would be REALLY REALLY REALLY surprising. He's demonstrated A LOT of dedication to you. Sticking through you whilst being unhappy in the relationship, through countless arguments and hurtful statements you did not mean.

I don't think you should be constantly taking a massive part of his day. A reasonable amount, but a huge one. Texting everyday and see each other once or twice a week is fair amount of time out of someones day. You should believe him doing that is not an act of making it easier for the break-up. He's displayed honesty and loyalty on numerous occasions, I don't see why he'd lie or plan to break-up at some point right now, unless you're still arguing and being clingy.

It is strange he'd say you can look through his phone to your hearts desire, and then suddenly be twitchy on the subject. He could be hiding something, however I wouldn't doubt him highly, that's just going to cause more drama and arguments in your relationship.

I think the lie between showing you care and smother is different for different people. What I think is smothering is probably different from his. It also depends what you mean? Like care on what exactly? Smother him how? With I love you's and things of that nature? Well whatever it is, as long as you're not constantly repeating yourself or messaging him 24/7 when he doesn't want to be bothered that is. It should be fine. As long a conversation rolls along smoothly, I see no reason not to just keep continuing it until it dies. If he begins not to respond after a while, don't spam him, just wait for him to reply. If he doesn't, then he's probably either busy, doesn't know what to say or does not wanna continue the conversation. In other words, don't force a conversation to happen when he doesn't respond. However, he could tell you when you're being smothering, that way you can figure out more accurately what he defines as smothering and, how you can identify it easier and stop yourself.

Trying to express your concerns is fairly simple. You state your concern, he responds to it, you state any response you have to that concern. The cycle repeats. You just have to make sure you're not repeating yourself in these situations, or constantly being declarative. Like you must do this, or can you do this, or stop that. I guess it goes back to not repeating yourself a lot. And obviously, don't bring it up constantly when it's already been talked about. Unless you have a new question relating to it.

Going with the flow in a relationship is definitely a bad idea. As problems won't be addressed and solved. You need to be proactive in stating what problems are in the relationship. This does not mean every single tiny thing however. If the problem is making you unhappy in the relationship and it's a real problem, not just "I think he's doing this and that", and also this problem can be fixed by talking. So it's not purely something on your end, or something that can't be helped. Then you talk it out, negotiate, come to some mutual decision in which your both happy, and go through with it.

A good amount of contact is enough contact where the other person can still have the freedom to do other things. They don't always feel the need to have you everywhere or talking you all the time or else you get upset or something. A good amount can vary from relationship to relationship, but as long as they feel they have headroom to do other stuff in their time without you, it should be fine. Like they feel they could end a conversation with you without getting upset or rejecting a plan comfortably. Basically as long as they feel like they must spend time with you, when they don't want to. However, they should a lot of the time, want to spend time with you. Therefore they shouldn't neglect you while doing this.

In conclusion I think this guy is loyal, dedicated and is faithful to you. Ultimately, I think you need to now have faith in him too, to fix his issue. You may develop insecurities of faith now, because of these recent incident. Therefore I suggest just trusting him, whole heartily. That is the best way to revive this relationship, however it also makes you the most vulnerable if something were to ever go wrong. I think it's unlikely because he's demonstrated high loyalty, but it could still happen of course. Try not to cause arguments over silly things and say things that you mean. Any more repeats of that and I can imagine it'll end this nicely again. It's surprising he is still around really and cares so much for you.

Assuming you weren't always this clingy, look back in the past to see how often you texted him and asked him about your concerns and stuff. You may get your answers there. You could also note your clingyness on lack of things to do perhaps? To maybe you should take up some hobbies? Or hang around some friends or family in the mean time? That way it gets your mind off him constantly so your won't think about stuff you argue about.

I hope that helped, good luck with your relationship and have a wonderful day :)

Reply from
LOST55
on Jul 14 2014 at 03:32
Member since: 10 June 2014
Hi DOMINICWILD,

Thank you that was very helpful! and I do think it was more the arguing than then being clingy. We actually used to spend everyday together for a few years but then careers happened and we were no longer living together. I think the dynamic is what changed things, I started feeling he didnt give me the same attention and would reflect that when I would get mad. He is also really trying to focus on making his career works and feels he has to now or he will be very unhappy. He told me recently that the arguments would really upset him and he couldnt concentrate on anything. He mentioned that he has been trying to deal with it for almost 2 years. Sometimes I just worry that he might be staying with me because I want it to work out.

He tells me that I am genuinely a really good person, he doesn't know anyone else like that and he would never want to hurt me. He cant stand when I cry, it really hurts him. I just hope that him trying to makes things work is coming out of love for me and not just not wanting to make me feel hurt. I mean overall I am really good to him, I just started getting controlling and no one wants another parent.

When he was upset he had told me that right now he feels indifferent to us being together and doesnt think about us and our future because of the fighting. On the other hand, when things are fine he will say I love you back as I mentioned and try to spend time with me and when I asked what I should tell people when they ask about us he said to tell them that we are dating. Its just hard for me bc lately he is not as affectionate and tends to get annoyed by me more easily. Also the whole phone thing bothers me a little. It could just be the fact that he finds that behavior controlling and doesn't want to feel like someone is checking up on him. He will tell me where hes going or talking to and stuff when I dont ask but when I ask he doesnt like to as openly. I'm trying to not bring up things anymore since we talked about it alot or ask too many questions so he doesnt feel like I am pushing him. I just don't know how long I should wait to see if things change. I mean I love him but i dont know how long I can wait for him to show he cares and not feel like "does he really want to be with me". Im sure I can wait a very long time, thats not an issue but I just feel so confused. I want him to be with me because he wants to and be happy. I guess mostly time will tell.

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