Hi, I've not really wrote down my problem before so here goes..
I've been with my partner nearly 5 years now. Last year he split up with me, completely out of the blue, he did it because he thought I was going to end it and leave so he said he did it to make it easier on us both. I have never felt pain like it before. It was the most horrendous feeling. For 4 years previous to that I was so used to seeing him basically every day. And then for my whole world to come crashing down, it broke me. I'm still not recovered from it. It still haunts me. Our main problem in our relationship is jealousy. I started a new job about 18 months ago, and there is a boy there that strokes and touches my hair sometimes, (he does this to all the girls at work) I didn't think nothing of it. I go out for meals with him and another colleague, as we're all similar age and we get along really well. I don't find him attractive, I don't like him in that way at all, however I have used him to make my partner jealous. I always want attention from my partner, and sometimes I feel like I don't get it. So last year before the break up, I used my colleague, I said to my partner I flirted with him, and told him he played with me hair. This was probably the most stupidest and most regrettable thing I've ever done. He has never been the same since he knew this. He got very jealous. The truth is, I never actually flirted with him. I just told my partner I did as a way of trying to be noticed by him, it was an act to try and get him to realise that there are other people that like me, so maybe he should try harder to keep me. Little did I know it was eating him up inside and it was actually separating us rather than gluing us together. He was depressed when we broke up. His mum was scared for him and she said he really needed help. He cried all the time and obviously still wanted me but he thought it was for the best to stay away. He thought because I flirted, that I actually wanted to be with my colleague rather than him. No matter how many times I tell him it's not true, he doesn't believe me. So when we broke up, it was awful. I kept begging him back, texting him constantly. I knew it was wrong. I knew I should have left him alone. But I had no friends I could go to, I sat in my bedroom after work and never moved. I was a nightmare really. I did eventually leave him alone for about 11 days. I didn't talk or see him. He always said when we broke up that we'd still be best friends. I knew that couldn't work. He is my best friend but it was so hard. It wasn't your usual kind of break up anyway, we did see each other. We went out for midnight drives and ended up kissing and doing other things. The passion and love was still there. But obviously at the end of it, we still weren't getting back together. I was getting impatient, and more upset. We would still argue aswell. So there was one day at work where the boy colleague asked me if I wanted to come round for pizza and watch tv, he's asked me before when I was actually with my partner, but I thought it wasn't really right to, I used this to my advantage though, I went round because I thought I could make my partner jealous with it, so then hopefully he'd get back with me. I obviously never learnt from the first time I tried to make him jealous. All we did was actually have pizza and watch tv. I didn't think much of it because another one of my colleagues had been round his to do the same thing. I forgot to mention this boy colleague has a partner too. They've been together 6 years but are long distance as they are both in quite a high professional jobs. Anyway. Nothing did happen that night, just really used it to my advantage to make my partner jealous. It just made him more crazy though. He still thinks to this day 'I did something' that night. In his head it was a boy asking a girl round to his house when she's vulnerable. And I can most definitely see it from his point of view. I was stupid to have done it, but why I did it was because I wanted to make him jealous. It definitely worked. After that it only got worse... But before that it got a bit better. Few months down the line and we had a night where we thought about making another go of 'us' again. I was so happy. The morning after, I looked at his phone. And I found messages from a random number saying things like 'I miss you' 'wish I was with you' and with lots of 'x's'. I was distraught. I read through them and my heart sank, I felt sick and I was hysteric. I smacked him awake, kept punching him saying 'who is she?' It ended up being someone he works with. I had to go work that morning. It was horrible. I bawled my eyes out. He kept texting me, he kept trying to tell me there was nothing going on. He said there was nothing there, it was all just to make me jealous, because he knew id go on his phone at one point. I messaged the woman to stay away. To this day, he's still friends with her. I'm still friends with my colleague too. But mine was all a joke,although it was so much damage, the way I did it, my colleague never knew I used him, I never text him either. However with his, I saw things in black and white, he doesn't work with this girl anymore, but no matter how many times I've told him to delete her number, facebook, everything, he gets mad at me. Saying that nothing has happened, he doesn't have feelings for her, it's just hard for me to believe. She knew that he used her, yet she still talks to him. If that was me, I wouldn't. She also has a partner who she lives with, I also think she's quite a lot older than my partner. He still thinks of her as a friend. Eventhough he knows how much it hurts me. When I look at his phone I sometimes see her name. And it starts a huge argument. Everything comes up again. It maddens me that he still talks to her. He also talks to other girls, which still makes me jealous, but not half as much as this other girl. We argue about 3-4 times a week (maybe more) and they're not small arguments. They're full blown crying and screaming matches. We know we shouldn't be together, we do more bad than good to eachother. We always say we'll end up killing eachother, we still stand by that. Our arguments get worse and worse. And our feelings never change. I want to stop being so jealous. It's ruining our relationship. I hope someone can help me on here. I don't really know what else to do. We love eachother so much, we don't want to throw the towel in. I believe our love can be stronger than these jealous feelings. It has to be. We don't have any trust anymore. I want to build it back up. I never ever had a problem before with thinking he liked other girls. Not at all. He's always said he only ever loved me and I truly believed him. He's never been one to like porn or anything like that. So from the beginning of our relationship, it's always been me and him. Can anyone suggest anything to me? Of how I can react whenever I know he's talking to this girl? He genuinely looks sorry for what he did, he regrets using her to get back at me. I know how he feels now, but it's maned us so much worse. Instead of me going on a rampage and ends up us nearly splitting up again... I've tried talking to him and told him I don't want him talking to her again because it will start me off again and it makes me so upset. I really do become pyshco, I don't have any friends apart from the 2 people at work. So I don't really go out unless it's with my partner. I know I need friends. He has lots, and he's always doing something, whether it be playing football or playing with guitar. I get annoyed if he does things though because I don't do anything, and I expect him with me rather than him doing anything else. I know I'm a terrible person. Cannot believe he's puts up with me really. To you all I must sound horrendous. Can anyone she's some light please? Thanks.
If don't have trust, you don't have a relationship..it's that simple. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. 5 years is a fair bit of history and if you pair were breaking up then it was always going to be a tough task to move on from each other.
It's absolute folly to use jealousy to try and win back someone. Jealousy is fear and anger, and both of these emotions are relationship wreckers. It doesn't matter who or what you use to create it, it always comes back to bite you. You need to fully understand your fears that drive it.
Your relationship is now in tatters, it's like a vase that's been broken and glued back together again..it'll never be the same. You both need to realise this first and foremost before you can even begin to attempt to patch over your differences.
Take your thoughts further and ask your partner why he really decided to end it out of the blue and why he thought you were going to end it because that's telling us that your relationship, although 5 years old, was rocky then.
Find out the real reason why everything started to unravel. What's happened after is basically irrelevant to the true reason your relationship faltered.
Hi I think the playing games to make someone feel a negative emotion like jealousy in the first place was looking for trouble and inviting conflict,this is playing with trust looks like he played it back to you and now the relationship is toxic.
Both of you have issues and should not be together. You lasted five years and maybe it is time to move on to new pastures.
You say at the beginning that you split a year ago because he thought you would leave him???? Both of you have issues around rejection and serious communication issues for quiet some time now and it has stacked up over time. Both of you are not mature enough to continue a relationship.
Bottom line it is over, between both of you.
Can I just offer some valuable advice to you, did you ever hear the saying 'putting all their eggs in the one basket' when the basket breaks you loose all the eggs. That is a huge factor contributing to your feelings here. He could not possibly fill that gap. Too much for any one person and way too much of an expectation also. Not a good plan, because if he makes a mistake then he is blamed.
My point being, take a step back from him, and look after yourself, you are experiencing explosive angry outbursts. That is not good, for your mental health, and this may spill into your work life.
You did the right thing by writing here.
From you post you have identified somethings that you are not happy about in your life that you can do something about, like friends. That is so important for your development as a person and will enhance any relationship. Take up some interests, a sport, study something, join a group,great way to make friends ( but don't make it primary about making friends , enjoy what you do, friends will come naturally). Start dealing with the anxiety of living without a man.
You will start to feel more in control of your emotions and feelings and things will become clearer for you. Things like walking away from him when you feel angry, you have identified triggers such as his phone etc, write down your thoughts, feelings. Counting to ten,breathing looking after yourself.
They are all the things you can do, build a life for yourself and a future for you first, your partner is invited in to enhance your already good life, then it works, then when you have a row,you have friends to mull it over with, a interest to take your mind off of it, because you are more than your relationship!!!!
Jealously is a very dangerous thing indeed, as you've come to know. You planted the seed, it grew slowly into him. He didn't have this insecurity until you highlighted it for him. Then repeated this you basically watered it and made it grow faster. As you've identified that is very silly!
I think that even if you didn't do that though, this may have still been an issue, but may have not been as worse. I definitely see why this will be a really big regret to you, it would be to me as well. I understand at times like these we do really stupid things. What you should really do when there is a problem like this in a relationship isn't to use external factors to simply, "hint" At things you want, you outright tell them. Tell him you want more attention, don't taunt him into giving it to you, since what you plan to happen will not always happen. People perceive things very differently, a plan will never go exactly right in this regard, or is very unlikely too. Since everyone is different.
Everyone here doesn't seem to be taking what you want to do into account here. They're talking about what they would do. I'm going to talk about your intentions, the best way in my opinion of going about them.
Firstly, don't submit to thinking your relationship is completely over and is impossible to fix. There is always going to be the possibility to fix it, it will be hard, very hard, it will also depend on you and your partners personalities and motivation to be with each other. You've both made mistakes. You both need to admit that. I think communication has been a major issue within your relationship, that must be fixed.
I'd start by telling him everything basically, if you haven't already. Absolutely everything, why you did what you did and that you regret it and will never do it again. He should do the same in this regard. If that's already been done, then the next thing is to trust each other. They say trust if built up over time, no, of how comfortable you are with trust yes. You need to trust him hold heartily. This means not being overly jealous, don't him to delete people out of his life, you shouldn't restrict him from doing that, nor should he to you. When he hangs out with girls, again try not to react in anyway. This jealous insecurity has sprouted from both of you attempts to inflict it, you need to get over it! As it will eat up the relationship all over again. I'm surprised you even got back together, that resembles some motivation.
Have faith in what your partner says, if he says there is nothing there, believe that there is nothing there. He's with you and not her for a reason. Of course with this faith, there will always be the chance of failure, it's a risk, it may be abused and you may get hurt. However, if it's a risk you want to take, it's the best way in restoring trust. You both accept the mistakes are in the past and are nothing but the past. They don't accurately resemble who you are now, you've both learned from them and come a long way. Keep it that way.
Avoid needless arguments. These arguments will now make communication harder, if they have been going on for long enough. Since when you argue with someone eventually you just come to expect one. Meaning you get instantly angry whenever you even see them. This is not good. You want to approach communication in calm rational manner, you don't want to strike out aggressively, if there is an issue that needs to be fixed. You go to him, word things calmy, suggest what you and him could do to fix a problem, then negotiate how to do it from there. You should both have equal influence over this decision. Don't be afraid to communicate, you're both in this together.
Now for this to work, he's got to do the same. He's needs the faith, the calm and collected approach and the acceptance of both your mistakes. I suggest talking to him about this and how you two could fix the relationship by telling him what you both can do to fix it, if you both truly want it to work out. He needs to believe you, that you did nothing to this other male colleague and that you never flirted with him, you never did anything it was all an attempt of jealousy you deeply regret. Now you also need to believe in him, that this girl as he says, was nothing to him in terms of love. Even though you personally in this situation would not be friends with this girl, you need to accept he does want to be friends with her, and that he also talks to other girls. You must accept this and try not to spring arguments up from it. Mainly though I think you need to accept this girl as his friend and not be controlling over whether he can talk with her not. I think a talk along the lines of telling him all this, about the past and what you plan to do to fix the relationship is very needed. Since you both need to do this, so telling him from the get-go will make that a lot easier, if he puts in the effort too. It won't be easy to accept these emotional burdens, but it must be done to improve chances you can remain together.
If you two get through that, I imagine your relationship will be very strong indeed, among you two growing a lot as people.
When he's texting this girl, don't let that phase you or effect your behavior. React normally, the way you would with him texting any other girl. Maybe even ask how she is or what they're talking about to show you accept her in his life as a friend. When he tells you info about her, don't let that annoy you either.
As everyone here stated, you should also try to make a life outside this relationship. In the down time it would certainly help, in more ways than one. Taking up a hobby you deeply enjoy would help a lot too. Just something you can entertain yourself with, that doesn't involve him all the time. Since if you're sitting alone trying to cope, it may eat you, and may be very difficult to overcome on your own, without doing anything to take your mind off things, to make you happy. Being happy will always benefit you!
This has been one long ravishing tale. It will be a hard plan to en-act emotionally. Also if he does not reciprocate this effort or determination to fix your relationship and you put all your heart and mind into it. It may hurt even more than anything you've experienced up to this point. Since you're placing a lot of hope and faith he and you will through. That hope will probably be your sole motivator right now, if it breaks I can only imagine how much emotional turmoil you may feel. So it's a risk, a big one, depending on how much you can handle that emotional strain, if something goes wrong. I always say be prepared for the worst, since if you're prepared for it, it won't throw you down as hard, so it'll be easier to get back up.
In conclusion and summation. I think you should talk to him, tell him what you think can be done to save the relationship, tell him how you're going to do that, tell him he's got to do it too, admit all the things you didn't tell one another and that you deeply regret it, tell him you accept him being friends with this women and you believe there was never anything between them (As you want to restore faith and trust here!), tell him anymore issues you have with the relationship and negotiate how you two could both work them out and finally ask him to do the same and if he's up for doing all that as much as you are. You may want to plan out this talk before going into it, and think of all the things you're doing to say. Lastly for yourself, work on picking up some hobbies or more friends to make you happy in the down time of him not being there.
I hope this has been helpful to you, and has possibly made it clearer on what you want to do and how to approach it. I wish you the best of luck in recovering your relationship, and I hope you have a wonderful day