Not regretting it with him, but the act?
I need help. Advice, encouragement, comforting words.
Tonight I broke down.
Let me explain...
I'm in love with my boyfriend. We plan to marry and have kids one day, to share a future together.
There's so much kindness and compassion and care in our relationship. We both feel like we've met the one.
I planned on staying entirely pure until I got married... but I felt like I was ready, and we had a few sexual encounters. I enjoyed them, and he did too.
I feel like shit about keeping it from my parents, and him keeping it from his. I feel so fucking dirty for keeping so much from my parents, and giving into my desires instead of trying to stick to the moral I had set. I feel so guilty and hopeless.
I broke down tonight because I feel so fucking guilty. What if those plans we made never come true, and I exposed myself so shamelessly to someone who I thought I would last forever with.
All of these what if's just hurt and I can't stop crying or scratching at my wrists. I can't tell anyone what's going on, how this makes me feel, not even him. I'm so fucking desperate that I had to sign up for some forum to ask for help.
I don't regret getting sexual with him, just regret straying from the moral I had set.
Hi how about setting a new moral. Sometimes there are many roads to o down to learn that moral.
You are human and you made a mistake.
How on earth can you learn anything in this life if you don't make a mistake. That is how you learn and that is how you build morals and character.
Do you love your boyfriend? and what happened between both of you was about love, an expression of it. do not feel guilty for that and do not let it ruin your relationship with your parents and partner. This should be a happy time. Your future is what you make of it, if you would feel better talking talking to your parents and tell them how you feel will help you then do.
You should not feel bad for this. You did this out of an expression of love for your partner, that's a good thing to do when you're happy in a relationship.
Yes something may go wrong down the line and he may not be "the one". There is no point in thinking about that right now however, plus does it really matter? What harm has actually been done here? Besides this aura of specialty around your first sexual encounter, no harm has been done.
There is no point thinking of "what if"'s when something has already happened. You can think of a majority of what if's every single day. They're just depressing and you don't get anything out of it. What if I get ran over by car today? What if I fall down the stairs and break my legs? What if someone finds out all the bad things I've done? Questions that utterly meaningless unless they happen. Which they most likely won't.
Keeping this from your parents is also not a bad thing. I've never heard it common place to go around telling people who you had sexual encounters with. That's your own business, don't feel obliged to tell anyone about that if you don't want to.
All you made was a mistake, by rules of your "morals". Therefore don't beat yourself up about it. Don't act like it's the end of the world. To be honest even if you get married and stick to that code, a divorce can still occur and that rule can still be broken by other means. So it isn't fool proof. Even if you stuck to it, you may have had sexual encounters with more men than intended, thinking they're "the one".
I hope that helped, good luck with this situation and have a wonderful day. :)