I have no idea where to start... but to give some context, me and this girl live very close together in London. I am 20 caucasian and she is 18 asian.
Prior to our relationship over 3 years ago I was going through a tough time and made some mistakes that really hurt another girl. We had a very brief relationship and had an even briefer sexual relationship, I am talking like a week. When I broke things off she felt used and was very bitter and upset.
I regretted what had happened and wished I hadn't gotten involved with her.
A few months after this I met a beautiful girl who at the time was 2 years younger than me, I was 17 she was 15 when we met. I feel I need to express, I really thought she was amazing.
I was very self conscious about who I was and was still trying to find myself as a person, and because of my self doubt... I lied to her a LOT! hoping it would make her like me. It turned out she did like me, but not for the things i lied about. I also lied to her about the relationship I had had before her with the girl mentioned earlier.
I need to note that she has severe bdd and anxiety problems.
I felt really guilty that I continued to lie to her and realized it would be really tough to keep a relationship going off lies.
Because she liked me for me and not the lies... I felt better about myself and wished I hadnt lied at all. However I felt really in love with her and was so scared that if she knew the truth she would leave me.
I always felt so guilty however I selfishly let this go on for almost 7 months... She found out because the other girl spoke to her... She was initially upset because I had lied to her about my past, then I told her about all the other lies, I said some really ridiculous things... After a short 1 month break... She decided she still loved me so we tried again with the promise of honesty... We became really rocky here, had many tough days... She was still hurting and felt betrayed and I still felt guilty... we became very on and off and had a few breaks. However we really loved each other and wanted to try and make it work.
After almost 6 months of this... we were almost happy again. Things were going pretty well, we had now been together for 1 year and 3 months... this is also around the time we made our relationship sexual... which made things harder on her for her anxiety and really exaggerated her bdd. I had stopped lying and it was refreshing to not have so much on my chest. Our problem now was that as our relationship got more sexual, she started to become much more body conscious and anxious about how people saw us.
(I need to note, I ALWAYS made time for her, we would spend every weekend together, we would talk on the phone every night for hours. I also tried to help with her mental issues as much as I could as her parents were in denial over it and ignored her. So I spent alot of time trying to help with that, also trying to earn her trust back.)
(Through the whole relationship she was very jealous and I ended up alienating all of my friends to be with her.)
She moved in with me for a while with my aunt, because her parents were giving her a really tough time, this was around February 2013, we started to argue alot while living together and after a month she left and said she was breaking up with me for good. About a week after this I met up with another girl (one of my close friends, nothing sexual happened) and I told her about it when we got back together a few weeks after that and she didnt believe me when I said nothing had happened and still to this day believes I cheated on her. After another months break we tried again and we still loved each other... We just couldnt let each other go... I really did want to be with her and have a future... when things were going well I often thought about marrying her in the distant future... she said she did too.
Anyway about a month after we got back together after that, we stupidly decided to move away together... I rented a flat and we moved in there together... this was when we moved out of London together to live in yorkshire... We both tried to make things nice for each other and make things work together, however it was obvious that her trust for me had lowered much further... In order to pay the rent I had to work 2 jobs and was very busy and tired alot of the time. Because of her severe anxiety she found it extremely difficult to leave our flat and couldnt keep a job... Which put alot of pressure on me... additionally where we were staying had a shared kitchen with other residents of the small building so she couldnt go through to the kitchen and feed herself without alot of preparation which also meant before I went to work every day I would make her breakfast, lunch and tea, so she wouldnt be hungry. We still argued most nights and both got very depressed... I was depressed because I was trying so hard to make her happy, but never could. She was depressed because of our past and because of her disabilities which really crippled her in our situation. She became very suicidal and was having regular breakdowns... I was so sick with worry for her that I left the flat and moved her back to her parents...
This is where things REALLY started to go wrong... Because of everything we had been through she became very hostile towards me but still couldnt let me go, we broke up and got back together almost 8 times a week... This is also when she decided she didnt want our relationship to be sexual at all anymore because it made things harder for her.
We had a very bad argument one day and she had a huge breakdown and we didnt speak for a few days... when I saw her again after that... she was different... she had developed a very controlling attitude and was often very hurtful in the things she said and did to me... she would often ask me to kill myself and said that she wished she could do something to hurt me back for what I had done...
She still said she loved me but I really felt like she didnt, I just wanted her back...
She got worse and worse... she would try and control every aspect of my life and was very manipulative... if I wanted to do something that didnt involve her she would do anything to stop me, even just having an early night... or seeing a friend...
We would still break up multiple times a week have horrible arguments and she would always use our past as a way to manipulate me... I found almost every conversation we had was me apologising, I was still trying so hard to make her happy again... I still loved her... 11 months ish passed like this (still celibate)and I recently (a month and a bit ago) realized it was hopeless and that we just couldnt work... My actions had changed her and we were no longer able to be together... after being under her control for so long it was really hard for me to feel and think normally... I was heartbroken that we couldnt work... we still talked and sometimes she would act like we were still together...
last week, I got really really drunk at a bar and ended up in another girls bed. It isnt cheating because we were broken up... but I still felt so guilty... because I am still in love with her.
One of the things we loved about our relationship is that we were each others first and only lovers, she no longer believed this after what had happened back in our first year however it was still true up until that night in the bar...
She tried to reconnect with me 3 days ago, she has had some psychological help and said that she understood where we went wrong, is willing to put the past behind us and is willing to try again while she gives me the space i need to feel happy with her again after the terrible time I had when she was so controlling... She even said she was ready to have a sexual relationship again...
I cant face her... I cant talk to her... I feel so bad about my ONS and know that if I tried to put it aside to be with her I will feel guilty again and that she will eventually find out.
However... if I do tell her, even though it was outside the relationship... I know it would hurt her alot and it might crush her again...
I really love her and want to be with her again... but dont see a way of it being possible now...
I want her to be happy and I think that if I leave her alone she will find her own happiness somewhere else...
I know I have to let her go... but its so hard... I have been at home just crying for 3 days trying to come up with something...
I dont want to lie again, I dont want to hurt her...
Can someone please tell me whether my actions make me directly responsible for what happened or whether it was her own insecurities that just multiplied because of her assumptions...
I feel like I am really in the wrong... but I dont know if I should feel like that... I tried so hard...
Not only do you not see HER clearly, you don't even see yourself. She has huge issues. Her illness escalates and you still try to make things OK. Then get exhausted doing that. You work double shifts, cook and clean and she does not even have a sexual relationship with you. Can you see your role in all this?
A brilliant American writer (Arthur Miller) gave up his wife, a sexy movie star (Marilyn Monroe) because of her erratic, needy, emotional behavior. She was draining him of his career and life.
You need to see if this is what you really want - and how you want to live. Things are not going to get better with her.
In the meantime, you, too, are very distracted by other gals. You are too young to go thru all this with a girl that has huge issues.
You already know this girl cannot handle you telling her about other girls, so why do you do it? She seems very fragile in many ways.
If you feel you MUST start up with her again, then you need to realize what you are getting into.
It sounds like she does have some emotional problems and it sounds like the two of you are detrimental to each other.
It sounds like your "break ups" because they happened almost daily were not really break ups. They should have been called what they really were, arguments, fights. A break up is when you move out or away and end the relationship. You cant break up everyday. That's just silly.
The relationship started out bad with your lies. This shattered her trust from the start. She sounds like a person who can not have that in a relationship. When you finally came clean she compromised what was important to her (honesty from the start) and stayed with you.
Her controlling behavior towards you is a direct result of how you two built the foundation of your relationship, on your lies.
I really think if this is to work you both need to sit down, tell her the truth and give her time to be angry. Then if she want to start over tell her it needs to be a clean slate.
Though it doesn't sound like she did much wrong aside from have emotional problems that she cant help (you said she is trying to get help), have a BF who lied to her causing her to become insecure and in response to her insecurities become "controlling". Then you slept with another woman.
You should be honest, give her time, and ask her what she needs from you so she can trust. If you cant give her what she needs then just exit the relationship, You both will just make each other miserable.
To tell you the truth , she's a narcissistic pervert. she's mentally very ill. That kind of person have no respect for other's feeling, that they consider relevant to their needs of power, and objects of authority or their interests. Don't get me wrong but this kind of person are enable to love others, they have no state of soul, they are cold and calculating , totally indeffirent to the suffering of others. Disappointement cause them anger or resentment with a desire for revenge. So be very carful , she can be dangerous and extremely hurtful to you! this explain the destructive rage seized them at separations.Often, the narcissistic perverts is someone that has never been recognized in his own personality, who has been victim of narcissistic investment important on the part of parents and was forced to build a set of personalities (dummy) to give the illusion of exist.Narcissists perverts are never sincere, always lying. They can also tell the truth that lie with aplomb. Most often, they perform sensitive falsification of the truth, that might not really be lies, and even less delusional constructions. Mix the lie, the sincerity and frankness - that is, for the other, very destabilizing ( it's a part ofthe game they play). Anyways, i know it's hard for you to let her go and to see her true image because you love her and you are blinded because of love but think about it very well and you will know that is a very wrong decision to go back with her !
A few years from now when you see all your friends settled in good stable relationships and in contrast see yourself in a relationship which is taxing on you every way (emotionally, physically etc.) how would you feel? When you meet people, get together for parties with friends and either she doesn't join you (due to her issues) or prevents you from meeting anyone coz she can't bear to have you away from her....how would it feel?
Love is give and take. Love is sacrificing for each other. Love is not forcing the other to give up on his or her social circle, making them feel guilty forever, manipulating the partner (thats rather a form of emotional abuse) etc.
For a better idea, you may speak to the psychologist she is meeting.
Best for you is to move away from her. Whether you wish to do it gradually or abruptly is upto you. May be gradual move away might be better coz of her mental condition.