Married to a sex addict whose going to prison
My husband (lets call him John) is a sex addict who uses prostitutes. He has had this problem long before we met. He hasn't used one for several months because the last time he did - he made a slight tear on the inside of his dick from force against the back of a girls throat. When we first met, we were both in other relationships and all we really did was have sex and get fucked up in hotels on the weekends & I'd give him oral sex for hours at a time. I fed his addiction. Now we have a 6 month old son, have been living together for a little over a year, and sex has become so much of a chore for me that it's really hurting our relationship. I feel that sex has taken up SO much of our relationship/time and that so much of our relationship (happy times, fights, etc.) has revolved around sex. He "NEEDS" oral sex. He really enjoys (and in hookers he will ONLY see girls who can do this)deep throating. In the very beginning of our relationship, he told me that he was going to teach me how. And he kind of did teach me how, but pregnancy made it impossible; most times even just the feeling of his dick in my mouth nauseated me. I have pretty severe TMJ (most things are so difficult and painful to chew that I've seriously considered a liquid diet more than just a few times)and by the end of every blow job I can't even keep my lips tight around his dick because of the tiny movement that your jaw makes by doing so and so I have to use my hand to help keep all the slime in and finish him off. Now I don't give him oral nearly as often because my jaw hurts so bad. Also from pregnancy I got carpal tunnel (apparently very possible)and it didn't go away afterwards, it got worse, so every blowjob I give him is just so painful for me by the end of it. When he finally climaxes I have to keep moving my mouth up and down slowly on his dick until he's finished and by now I honestly fucking hate the feeling of it in my mouth by that point. John hasn't made me climax regularly in over 7 months - he's given me maybe 5-ish orgasms since 2 months before our son was born and in ALL of this time that I have not been getting out anything sexually he has been getting his with nasties elsewhere and still asking for some at home. He has not seen a prostitute for a few months and I truly believe that he will not see one before he goes away to jail in the fall. I know he loves us and isn't going to fuck up before he leaves. Our relationship is so damaged because of all this, how can I get the spark back? How can I learn to forgive and let go? I'm so tense all the time we are never intimate anymore. Our relationship needs it. Help...if anyone can :/
Sex is suppose to be a loving thing between two people to show each other that you love and care for one another. It is suppose to be the one thing you can share with partner that neither one of you are sharing with any one else.
Or at the very least it is an enjoyable act between two consenting adults. Your sex life with your partner is making you feel grossed out, unloved, undesired. He doesn't seem to be giving too much care to your needs. Your not getting any enjoyment out of it.
I know this is only my opinion but Im a big believer in fair play, whats fair for your spouse if fair for you. In other words I would so cheat on him while he was in prison.
But if that's not for you then I suggest counseling for sexual addiction and counseling for couples as well as a good long talk about where exactly he think this relationship is going with you, him, your child and his hookers. Maybe if he spent a little less time worrying about his "oral sex needs" and spent a little time worrying about your sexual and emotional needs he may end up with keeping his family together.
And he's going to prison because . . . ?
He's going for something he did before we even met. He has shown serious remorse for what he's done - his mom SERIOUSLY neglected him emotionally and has always put blame on him for various things growing up while she's always praised his older brother, and his brother molested him numerous times when he was young. It really fucked with him and even tho he doesn't want to admit yet, he grabbed onto the only thing he knew how; his dick.
Hi I think both of you need counseling, love is not really present here. Its about immediate gratification, masturbatory level, not much intimacy on a mature level.
Stop!!!! you are a person and have a young baby to think of. This is a beautiful thing to have happened and focus on that.
This man has cheated on you in the past, he has an 'addiction' I think its not to sex oral or whatever I think it is to humiliation /power. Most likely rooted in childhood (as you mentioned). Anyway I do not mean to judge.
I know it sounds like I am putting thins into boxes when I say this but he needs to seek specialized treatment will he receive this is prison? (if his crime is somewhat related to his behavior). Again I am not judging.
You want the spark back? Really sit down on your own (when he is one). Think about how you both met. Was there a spark?
You are being exploited and completely eclipsed AS A PERSON!!! forget sexual needs!!! Its your PERSON, SOUL, HEART, where are YOU? You are a new mum and have enough to worry about, you also have an issue with your mouth and have problems with eating, he knows this and still INVADES this part of your body that is not relaxed to accept it.
I think you are a good person who deserves to be embraced in a hug with no agenda for anything other than to let you know you are valued.
You and your child deserve a safety and a future where you have peace. I am sorry to tell you this man does not SEE you. I cannot see a spark coming back I very much doubt there was one. I think you empathized with his past and IT seems to be dominating all of this.
I will not cheat on him while he is gone because if we can, we need to work this out. I've cheated once, I wasn't a cheater then, and I'm definitely not a cheater now. That's not me. I'm a one man kinda gal and it's going to stay that way. I'm going to do serious counseling during that time to try and get over what he's done...saw two separate hookers only days before my birthday.... :( it is an addiction and it's very severe, but at the same time I feel like in the moment he just doesn't give a shit about anything but his orgasm. He only sees these girls when he is in a very emotional state (i.e. angry, scared, nervous, etc.) and he really "gets it all out" with them. He is not gentle when he is with them. But he is (for the most part) with me. Sometimes he lets the good feelings get away from him.
I know he loves me. And I know I probably sound like a stuck victim but I'm not. There WAS a spark once-upon-a-time and even though our relationship in the beginning WAS a lot of sex, we truly enjoyed spending time together.
He WAS going to do an intensive 3-month treatment program specifically for sex addicts but can't now that he's going to jail. His charge is drug related and because it is so, after his sentence he will be in a halfway house for 6 months (even tho he doesn't do drugs...lol) but the treatment for addiction is the same, and he'll have 4 years to sit down and think about what he's done.
It's just been so fucking hard to not climax literally for 6 months and have a boyfriend who has so many needs, and is (was) also getting his elsewhere. I became and still am most of the time such a bitter and negative person. I used to be able to see the bright side of EVERYTHING. I was so positive and always smiling. Now sometimes when I see my husband and son playing and laughing I just want to run away and cry and scream into a pillow.
Honestly, I think his jail time is what could possibly save our family. We do plan to have more. It gives him serious time to think and reorganize his life, and it gives me time to heal, and to rebuild my confidence. Because I cannot tell you how hard it is to keep feeling pretty and wanted when you just shoved a baby out, barely get the chance to shower or brush your teeth for the first while, and you know your man is out with (while very nasty)done up, sexy, lingerie wearing women.
I'm a person who's always dropped it and ran when things got too hard to deal with. This has been killing me.
You certainly have sacrificed a lot for this man. Is he a good husband? does he earn a good living for you and the kids? have a career? take you out to nice restaurants and to events? take you and the kids on vacation? provide a nice home for you all?
I can't get a picture of him. You just talk about sex and him acting out his addiction, even though he knows it hurts you so.
And now he is going to prison. still, you talk about the sex . . . and how to get the spark back.
You have put a lot of faith in what will happen to him in prison. That's not a good place to rehabilitate, for sure, you know.
I hope that you can get counseling for yourself. You are going to need all the help you can get to get thru all this, and when he gets out.