I have been with my boyfriend for quite a while now, and the intimate portion of our relationship is no longer there. We have not had sex for a very long time (he always has an excuse and won't talk to me about it). I try to initiate but am always turned down. And to make it worse, he does not make up for it in any other way (meaning, no compliments, does not tell me he loves me, barely kisses me, never wants to hold me, etc). The only time he is "charming" is when he wants something, and then gets angry if I refuse (I refuse sometimes because I get tired of doing everything for him and not getting anything in return). I know he is a very selfish person, and I'm at the point that I can't take it anymore (even though I still love him). My question is this - is it wrong to tell him that if he can't take care of me (sexually) AND start giving into the relationship, then it's time for him to go? It has been two and half years with no intimacy. And how do I approach the subject?
What are your ages?
He is 37, I am 45
hey NUTNHONEY.. all i can say about the relationship is that maybe letting go is the right thing, all relationships need to be a "two way street".
I'm actually in your shoes. I would love to ditch em and run but we have a child together. If you don't have kids PLEASE run from this guy. Trust me, it doesn't get any better and you will eventually start to hate and resent him.
There are no kids. Yesterday was our anniversary, I got him a gift (just a small one), but he couldn't even get me card.
Yeah, so how did that make you feel? Do you want to continue those types of feelings? If you have already spoke to him and he refuses to listen then he is just being selfish.
You can not have a relationship if you can not communicate with each other.
If intimacy is that important to you, have you told him about it? Have you asked him why he doesn't wanna seem to be intimate anymore? Perhaps talk to him and come to some sort of negotiation.
Practically in my opinion, I don't think on intimacy is that important, same as sex really as long as you're happy with him. However if it was the sex and intimacy that made you happy with him, to begin with, then there is a problem. If it's intimacy is a make-it or break-it deal then he needs to accommodate in some way.
Something you never mention is, him giving anything to the relationship outside of intimacy? Since some people just drop off on giving intimacy after a while, that seems to be a common trend, the reason tends to vary, from just being random.
Ultimately, the best way for you to make this decision is firstly to decide whether this intimacy deal will make or break your relationship? Can you not just deal with his personality and be happy with that? If not, try to talk to him and come to some negotiation, something that makes you both happy, since if this is a problem to you it needs to be resolved in some form. The final question is: Are you happy in the relationship in general? When you wake up and hang out with this person everyday, does he make you happy, outside of intimacy? If he does, is that happiness enough?
If you're not at all happy and no negotiation is met, then it's probably best to move on. Since a relationship should overall add to your life, in making you happy and not detracting from it.
Also if he doesn't put any effort into the relationship at all, that is another major problem, outside of intimacy and again needs to be addressed.
How to approach the subject of intimacy? Best way would be to ask him about it, why he hasn't been engaging in it like he used to and that his excuses are unlikely to hold up for two and a half years, unless there was some other personal reason. In intimacy is vital to you, tell him in a relationship you want some intimacy and tell him the amount of intimacy you want, but don't make the request unreasonable, request the amount that would make you happy and satisfied. Also address effort in the relationship if he doesn't put any in outside of intimacy. Once stated with what you want, you can both discuss it and come to some sort of agreement. If he understands how important it is to you and decides not to do anything and this breaks the relationship for you, then again probably best to move on if you're completely not satisfied.
I hope that helped, good luck with the relationship and have a wonderful day