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Fighters more than lovers

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Hi, This is the first time I've ever reached out to an internet community before, so I don't know what to expect here. However, I have read through a few forum topics and have noticed there are honest, genuine and helping voices on the site, and hopefully such voices can speak up and advise me on my serious problem. My boyfriend and I are deeply in love, have been for four years. We've always been prone to bickering, arguments and full blown shouting matches and I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that we are both very stubborn, emotional and intense individuals. Our conflicts have broken us up on two occasions, however when we got back together the second time (after a year apart), we knew that there would be no one else like the other person ever, that this is deep, deep love, and we didn't want to throw that away. I feel very strongly about him, and he does about me. We live together now, and since we have moved in together... we fight EXTREMELY OFTEN. I would say during bad periods that the fighting would be everyday. During good periods, maybe twice a week. We've had SO MANY conversations about how our fights are incited, what aggravates each other further, how to defuse arguments, avoiding conflict, OH MY GOD just so many conversations to try and apply techniques that can help us have a better life together. Nothing sticks, and now I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of yelling, I'm tired of the same cycle. I contemplate leaving, sometimes, and I feel so terrible because I feel that I would regret it. Because I have regretted it, twice before. There is fear in leaving.. I don't know what to do, we cannot seem to stop fighting. We fight about sex, our personalities and flaws, our other commitments, money, you name it.. we've fought about it. I guess my question is, do we end this relationship or do we persevere? We are both in our mid 20's. It is worth to note that there are good times and they are WONDERFUL, but, they are few and far between these days. The good times have always been so good, and the bad times so, so bad. And now I think we've tipped the scales.... Any advice will be appreciated, thank you for your time in reading.. and responding if you have some help to give. Peace and kindness, Violet

Fighters more than lovers

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Oh my dear. Wherever did you get the idea that daily fighting is "love."?? This sounds like a toxic relationship and you are deluding yourself if you think it will get better over time. You are both too young to be in such an intense relationship that is so emotionally draining. How can anyone flourish and grow in that environment? So what keeps you together? Sex? Feel sorry for each other? money? Habit? Fear of living on your own? Excitement? Why would you stay?

Fighters more than lovers

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That is certainly unfortunate you're both like that. Constant arguing isn't just unhealthy for a relationship, but for your lifestyle too. My advice would have been communicate and find some sort of technique or resolve to these arguments. However, you seem to have tried this extensively. My only addition to some important things that may help, if you've not tried already, is trying not to shout or be aggressively provoking. Approach arguments in a calm and civil manner, this makes the other person less likely to explode, since no one likes an explosion. Another is agree to disagree. You see each others points, but you deem your points superior and the other party cannot understand why they are better. In this case you just agree to stop, it'd be best for both of you and you agree to that. As like you've said before, this problem is recognized by both of you, therefore noticing when an argument arises and agreeing to stop, should be easier, in theory. This has been going on for 4 years, therefore it's quite unlikely to change on its own without some help or attempt to fix it from both parties. Perhaps seeing some sort of counselor would be of benefit? Sustain effort will be required to increase the odds of this problem being less significant. With this in mind if you continue to stay in the relationship you have to keep this in mind, it will be hard to do this constantly, along with dealing with every day life. The stress brought from these arguments does not like you in anyway, you're more prone to being ill and performing worse. The decision ultimately falls on your opinion as to is it worth it? Is the opportunity of experiencing these good times worth it, when dealing with all the bad times? Is the continued opportunity to change or minimize those bad times worth the duration of all this stress and unhappiness? Can you keep up the sustained effort? All these I feel are important questions. Now onto my opinion. I think that in this situation you should look at it from a utilitarian point of view, meaning would breaking up make you happier? From what I can tell the answer to that is yes. You'd have less or no arguments and no stress, at the sacrifice of those good times, along with the fear of loss to deal with some time after the break-up. If you feel that trying for any longer would not make you any happier in the long run, I think you should break-up or keep looking for solutions. Either way this is a big problem and it needs to be fixed as soon as possible. Even with all this said though, it seems you two know each other inside out and to sustain this relationship for 4 years is quite an great feat. That implies a strong bond, dedication and commitment within you both. Which is ideal for a relationship. You're also both very aware of the problems and are willing to fix them, and the thing is YOU WANT to BOTH fix this problem. With all that taken into consideration you'd think it'd be monstrously easier to fix this. So if you do decide to continue it, this implies a higher chance of something changing in the future. I think this reason this is at its height is because of you two moving in together. You've got WAY more opportunity to argue with each other. Do you two a reasonable amount of other commitments and friends in your lives? Since if you don't this could be fueling the issue. If you have no hobbies or friends to eat up spare time or if you're constantly together 24/7, your both going to be occupying each others mind a lot. Considering personality this can lead down several roads of thought, these roads currently seem like those that spin into arguments. If your brain is fixated on something, it's more likely to become more effected by it, you've gotta fill it up with more stuff to think about so that one person isn't always being thought about, those little over thought tiny situations that don't really effect the other partner, can steam-roll into arguments because of this. Something else that could mitigate the problem is not living together. While this may seem a harsh move, it should decrease the amount of arguments that could happen. If that will help in the long run is questionable. In conclusion, the quick and easy way out and to a much higher likelihood of you being happy long-term is breaking up. However, if you want to persevere and keeping trying at this I won't blame you. Since the foundation of the relationship seems very strong to stick together through 4 years of constant battles. Now if you can fix or minimize that problem it'd be all good. Main question being: Do you want to leave open the opportunity for this to get better? Even after leaving this opportunity open for 4 years? If you end it, the opportunity closes and you'll destroy those chances, but would it have been worth waiting for however long prospering through those sad, stressed times? All depends on how much you wanna fight for it. Ideas to reduce this problem: Move out maybe? Get some more things on your mind (Hobbies, spend time with friends, less time with each other), see a counselor perhaps? Keeping looking for solutions, agree to disagree(Spot and stomp an argument before it happens) etc. It would be a hard road to travel down, but a satisfying one if it all worked out. I hope I helped and wish you the best of luck with your relationship. Have a wonderful day :)

Fighters more than lovers

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Thank for the replies, I appreciate the time and effort that has been put in to creating a response. It is very true that we share a significantly strong bond, and that is very hard to give up on. If my situation does not improve in 6 months time (when our lease ends) I do believe I will opt out of living together. We are certainly not ready. For now, I think some time apart (focussing on keeping busy with friends, work and university) may ease the pressure between us. Thank you again for the advice.

Fighters more than lovers

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Glad we could be of a assistance UltraViolet. :D

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