Online LDR problems
I am in a LD online relationship with someone whom I have fallen very deeply in love with. We started talking online about a year and a half ago and he is the first man who I have ever had a relationship with that I could SEE a future with. Never thought I could picture myself a married woman until he came into my life. My past relationships have not been good. I chose the wrong people and I didn't know how I should be treated nor do I think I was the best partner myself. I am always faithful and I put up with things that made me miserable. I'm very much a loner- that is why I'm on here. Apart from a psychologist I see once a month I only have my partner to confide in. I need some outside advice.
Thinking that part of my past issues were due to lack of distrust and an inability to open up to the person I was with, I decided that the next time I find someone, I will lay my heart out on the table as much as I can so they either take me as I am or not. A month after meeting my new partner I did just that. It was my 30th b'day, I had a bit to drink and my party was just he and I on Skype talking. I was open and honest and it ended up being what he didn't want to hear. He asked me questions about my past intimate experiences so I told him. He said that for him to be a good partner for me he wanted to know what I liked and didn't like, where others went wrong so he didn't do the same etc.
My heart was shattered because I thought that by being open I was doing the right thing. Instead it hurt him and our relationship. I haven't ever participated in anything some would consider extreme like swinging or GB's but he didn't like what he heard. Things go up and down in our relationship. Sometimes things are great and sometimes they are bad and it all seems to revolve around these things which I confided. He tells me things about his ex's, actually I would say about half of our conversations he will mention an ex, and I just sit and listen. I don't judge him about anything he says but I feel that he does keep pushing this issue about my past.
I have had what I consider a miserable childhood, difficult relationships and an abusive relationship with my son's father and when I met my current partner I explained all this and said from the beginning all I want is a happy, drama free relationship with someone who supports me and I can be for in the same way. I am in my early 30's, he is in his late 30's and I just want us to be able to work together and be happy in future.
At the end of the day, all the stress affects me. He asks me questions and I cannot remember details from a lot of my past. My head is like a fog cloud. I don't know if it's because I have a bad memory or these things are being repressed or what is going on with me. I never tried to lie to him but he will say I said something or wrote something and I don't remember it. I'm not trying to be deceptive I just don't remember. Now, he is once again being distant. I asked him if he still wants to be with me and he said he does, but there's a lot we need to talk about. I know he means what I mentioned before, but I just don't know what to say anymore.
I just want to have a happy family one day. That is my biggest dream but I cannot even make my partner happy. What the hell is wrong with me?
I too have been in your shoes- long distance w someone I met online. While my experience was different from yours- we currently do not speak /he no longer exist to me. I thought I'd add some input based on your story.
Part of being vulnerable is to let people in, and it's great that you're embracing that, it's the only way to show people we trust them. I too have learned how to trust people- it can be hard after being treated badly or after a betrayal. We just gotta give people a chance. You did that but there are some things that can be left unsaid. Not everything needs to be disclosed, i.e. how many sexual partner you've had or what you did with whom. Some men can be insecure in that area or jealous that they may not be able to match up. I believe he may not have liked some parts of your story but that's his problem, not yours. You did nothing wrong. I think he'll get over it tho... and yes while to be a good partner in the bedroom, he should know what you like/dislike but try to keep it about you, not what one guy did or didn't do. I think at that time, he couldn't help but envision you w someone else in bed. That's the impression I got.
And lastly... it's not your job to MAKE HIM HAPPY. We enhance people's lives- those we have relationships with. That's it.
So don't feel like you're the bad guy here -- that you did anything wrong. What you can do is talk to him, that you're bothered by his reaction to your brutal honesty and wonder what he thought. I don't think you scared him away tho, I hope not. Just give him more time . Stay honest and open.. but when it comes to exes/past sex life - only stay with important facts and leave the details of the rest out.
Again you did nothing wrong, it's not your fault he reacted the way he did. Give him time and when you're ready, talk to him about it. Communication is soooo important. And if you haven't met him in person yet- I hope you do soon!
Thank you for your reply. I understand what you mean. I was thinking that by answering his questions and being open I was doing the right thing.
I will have to talk to him when hes ready. I don't think he is yet and he has so many other things to deal with right now I don't want to make his life more stressful. I try to be considerate. I know I'm very lucky to have him.