Need help was she cheating?
EDDIE2014 - Jul 6 2014 at 13:45
Hi all, Im new to this site but needed a place to write and maybe get some feedback, i have been with my partner for 20 years im 38 and she is 36 we have 4 great kids together and i love her and or kids, i wont go into full details but just put the bones of my situation up
I started working away in 2010 then came home after a few months then went back away in 2011 when away in 2011 i started messing around on my phone bbm talking to other girls (sexting) but never had any intention of meeting up it was just out of insercurity of my man-hood wanted to know what other girls thought about my size etc sad i know at my age but thats how it was.
I stopped almost right away, then i went back home took a holiday with my family but when i got back to my job i stupidly started again like a sneaky rat fool, then my patner came to stay for a few days and found the bbm pins, she told me this broke her heart and i promised never to do it again and i stopped.
then when i gave my job up to go home everything seemed to be ok between us and back to normal, then in 2012 i got the call to go back away to work and although i didnt want to we needed the money and yes i started again only this time one of the girls from the first time added me dont ask how she got my bbm pin all i can think of is she restored her phone or kept my pin but dont really know why or how but i added her and began to talk again no pictures were sent by either of us but i was asking for some off her but she would not send and again no intention of ever meeting up just talking/sexting nonsense only she asked me for my number to my mobile phone and i gave to her thinking i would get some pictures again sad i know, so when i got home she txt me on my number when i was sitting with my partner and this as you can guess took us right back to the first time she caught me sexting, i tried to lie and say it was a mistaken number and it wasnt for me but she knew but i kept on saying it wasnt for me and never admitted it, then a couple of weeks ltr i walked in to the loo and caught my partner sexting i took the phone but she snatched it back and locked it and would not open the phone this blew my head and i went to leave only i love her and the kids so could not bring myself too and also the fact that i had done it and she had forgave me every time although i think she never really did and was just getting me back for being a sneaky cheating rat liar, now ltr that day she came to me and told me it wasnt another guy but our eldest daughter telling her that she had a boyfriend who i wouldnt approve of and thats why she locked the phone i knew she was lying to me but said ok but told her if its another guy that she should tell me and asked her to end it also asked if she was cheating actual sex cheating she told me no it was our daughter so i left it at that.
Then over the next few months things between us begand to drift apart she was constantly trying to make time between us by asking if i would like to go out without her to see live bands etc or when going to the shops would take 1 hour or so when it should and normaly only takes 20 mins things like this or taking the dog for walks for long periods of time, then i got the call to go away yet again i really didnt want to go away more than ever as i knew she had been talking with someone on her phone when i caught her in the loo, but it was close to christmas and we were broke as i had started a course in collage to try and find a steady job at home so i didnt have to leave all the time but i gave the course up and went, and yes i started sexting with other girls again only this time i sent my partner a message that was for another girl dumb as f**k yes i know, after doing this i decided to stop it and come clean over ever time i had done it what was said and sent etc etc,
she was hurt but not like before, after this happend and we are talking via skype and on the phone it seemed so distant and bland so i asked her have you got something to tell me? she stumbled and choked then hung up the phone on me so right ther i knew she was sexting/seeing/cheating with another man, she tried to call me back around 20 mins ltr only i was in bits and refused to answer the phone she txt me about 20-30 times pleading with me to answer the phone and kept calling me so in the end after about an hour i did so,
she said that she felt so bad but she too had been sexting but only with one guy so we talked for about 2 hours about it i asked if that is all it was and if she was sleeping with anyone she told me no it was just one guy sexting and that was it so i said i forgave her and it was all my fault as i started it and ruined what we had, but then she made a comment that went against what she had said so i began to probe with Qs and then she said ok it was 2 guys but not at the same time, then again something didnt add up so again i asked more Qs then it went to 3-4 an one sexting pic but nothing else but over the next few days it went up and up and more pics then vidoes etc
so by this time i was in no state of mind to be in work as my job was dangerous at the best of times but with my head shot to bits i could not go in so we talked and cried on skype as more and more info kept coming out but only as she kept slipping up more and more and the things like what sites and places she got the pins for sexting never added up then about 2 days before my flight was booked to come home on the 20 dec for christmas she told me not to come home as we would be arguing over the festive period and that would ruin it for our kids,
I was so shocked and hurt at this and told her if i didnt come home or if i did and we argued that it would be ruined either way and that the company had alreay booked my flights so i had to come home but she wasnt happy with me coming home, now when i get home things are just not right as you would expect only we never usually drink and most certainly dont do drugs but with it being christmas we go and get some booze in for when people come over the holidays, then over the holidays she starts getting drunk all the time and wanting drugs to go with it this, now i already think shes been cheating and this makes me think even ore so, but we try and try to make things better and to work it out only we argue every other day and night over it with me asking if she has cheated,
then i ask her if i can go through her phone and she says yes but thinks that because she had deleted the pins from her phone that i wouldnt be able to get them back but i used a program to undelete them and ther they are so i get them off her phone put them on the laptop and a memeory stick for safe keeping untill the morning so i can then get credit on my phone to add them and try and find out who and what was going on only when i wake up the folder has gone pff my laptop the mem stick has been broke and her phone wiped to factory setting, all gone.
I ask why she did this, is it because she was cheating with them or is it because i know these poeple? she says no toboth Q's and she didnt touch anything and we argue and argue over this i go to leave but again i cant bring myself too, i love her and my kids and want to work it out this is my life, yes i started it and ruined it but i still want to try and fix it, i asked her to come clean and tell me what has been going on she keeps saying only sexting.
Then a few days ltr we are alone in the house and she asks me for an open relationship!! i say no and ask why she wants one she hesitates and says it was to see if i would say yes like a kind of test but it wasnt this way she genuinely wanted to have an open relationship, so again i ask who was it was/is, is it just one guy or more she says i havent cheated,
so i say ok well if you have it will come out sooner or ltr as we live in a small community that everyone knows each others business kind of place and either someone will tell me in a nice way or a spitefull way,
one night i get up to go the loo and im sitting on the toilet annd her jeans are on the floor half turned inside out and i notice a black pube inside the white part of the pocket i have blonde hair and she does too so its not one of ours, i take it too her and ask who's is it and she says its not off her it must be off one of our daughters one is 18 and one is 15, i ask the kids they both say no but still she is adimant its not off her and its one of thiers.
so fast forwrad a year or so and ther it is, a person tryning to add her on facebook that she doesnt accept so i message and ask why hes tring to add her if she doesnt know him and he says because she is a slu* and want his di** sucked, yes this makes me rage with anger and i argue with him and her so then i ask him, look what has been going on so he says she has been with mulitple men and is really dirty and i should leave her,
i ask him names he gives me them and says that ther is pictues and videos of her about too,
i message them and confront them but they all say no i havent and she does too,
then one day when we are out shopping and walking home we have to wait by the traffic lights to cross and we are facing the local shops were all the young gangs stand (aged 19-25) these are the people i have been told she was with and they are all staring over smiling etc and she goes bright red i ask her and she says it is because i was looking at them and then looking at her and she doesnt know why they are smiling etc i know what has been going on but again i want to work it out and stay with her so let it go after all i started all this by sexting other girls in the first place and broke her heart.
But after a few months i go out with my youngest daughter and a car drives past us with a bout 3-4 of the guys in it and they shout hey your girl is a slu* yes bad bad bad as im with my 11 year old daughter again i go home and ask now this is happening of front of our kids tell me what has been going on and if you want to work it out if so we can move so we can start to rebuild and get back to normal and the kids dont have to get this too,
but again she denies anything went on, then a few more months pass and i decide to sit down with her and my children and say that i love her and my children and that they are everything to me but i need to know the truth and that i would like to stay and work it out and still grow old together and start by asking why she deleted the pins all that time ago and if she admits to that then that is a start and we can talk things through and begin to fix our relationship but if not then i am leaving i have all my clothes packed and ready to go to show her that i will leave this time although i really really dont want to leave,
so i ask did you delete the pins off the laptop and she says no i did not and i swear on my kids lives i didnt touch them so i grab my stuff and go me and my kids are all crying and she just sits ther not a word and lets me go, then about 2 weeks after i have left i get a message off her via facebook saying im sorry i have never cheated but i did delete the pins off the laptop but i never touched the mem card or phone i only deleted them to hurt you and do your head in but i have not cheated and i wasnt talking to anyone we both know,
this makes me so angry as all along i knew she had deleted them and she swore on our kids lives, as noone else could have as only me and her knew wer on the laptop and the folder they was in, was but i wanted to hear her say it and prove she wasnt lieing to me all along, i neeeded her to tell me the truth so a little trust could start to come back,
so when i was staying at the brothers house i was so hurt and angry that i deceded to sign up to a dating site with the stupid idea of sleeping around with people thinking this would make me feel better so i signed up put some pics up of myself etc etc then the girls started popping up talking and flirting then a few of them asked for my number and if they could i msg me then it moved onto would i like to go to ther place for sex etc etc and although that is what i singed up for i couldnt bring myself to go ended up thinkin oh fu** ill just end my life instead, as im seriously mixed up in the head but i could not even do that as i couldnt do that to my kids so after about 4 weeks of me being in my brothers house and her asking me to come home and my kids too i deceded that i would after all thats all i really want is to be a family again and although i cant trust my partner and im paranoid of her looking at and talking to other guys, i cant live without her or my kids whats the point ?
and now im home i have tried to talk to her about it and i have tried to ask her to tell me what went on but its the same old story of i havnt cheated on you, its you either stop going on or you will have to leave again and for good this time so its like she is saying either put up and shut up or loose me and your children,
also over all this time she had extra accounts on twitter google talk etc an on google talk when we wer talking on skype just before i came home the last time i was away i asked her to show me her phone on the screen/webcam and as she went throught the phone it got to the google talk app and ther was a username and passwrord ther only it didnt come into to focus properly before she pulled it away from the webcam i asked her to show me it and not to delete it but she just coldly deleted it infront me and said it was my name as she was tryning to see if i had an account on that to tallkk to girls on, she also had guys on her deleted friends on her facebook downleded data that i have been told she was with, and following guys on instrgram that are not her friends but off our estate/neibourhood that she said had just merged via either mine or one of our daughters accounts although at the time i didnt have a instagram account.
i have deceided to seek medical help from my GP and booked to see a shrink for me and her to see over our relationship or what is left of it but i have not seen anyone as of yet and needed a place to write about it hence me posting on here, if anyone reads this and has any ideas what i should do or has been through a simlar experience i would love to read your thoughts and what happened with your partner, thanks for taking the time to read my post.
Eddie, you need to book that GP appointment and you really need to see a counsellor alone but preferably with your partner. There's no guarantee that a counsellor will help you..you have to do that yourself.
You need to take your thoughts back to when you started sexting and ask yourself why this happened. If you were in a successful relationship with your partner then she would have been your reassurance of your manhood and wouldn't have needed to sext other women.
Your relationship was basically in trouble then because you weren't happy whether you realised it or not, and your actions spoke when you began sexting.
You have done the right thing putting your problem on paper because it helps clear your head and the next step is counselling. It really doesn't matter if your partner has cheated on you or not, the fact is that your relationship has no trust now. Trust is the foundation(along with communication)of any relationship. When it goes, the relationship usually goes with it.
Eddie, there's always a chance of repairing relationships especially when kids are involved, but it takes a lot of work from both parties who BOTH have to have the NEED to repair it and forever maintain it. If there's no need, then, I'm sorry as hard as it sounds, but you should forget about it and move on.
From my personal experience of trying to unsuccessfully resurrect a broken marriage over several years which was broken by infidelity by both of us, going by your post, I wouldn't recommend going down that track. I learned the hard way that the NEED I mentioned earlier has to be mutual with both partners needing the same outcome.
It is really too bad you opened Pandora's box and let all this enter your marriage. That's the thing about cheating, you opened to door and when she forgave you the first time she could not forgive you the second, third and fourth time and you lost the ability to shut that door and you found out that it swings both ways. I really like your story though. It is an excellent warning to all those out there that think they can cheat and lie numerous times and their partner will take it all laying down.
You and her will have to sit down with a counselor. You will have to do the hard thing. You will both have to agree to start over with a clean slate and if either one of you lies they you will have to each walk away from the relationship.