So I'm a 21 year old student. I've always stayed away from relationships because either #1 I don't feel as if I'm ever good enough at times, #2 I hurt a girl a few years back and I promised myself to not hurt anyone else again #3 Commitment issues.
So I started going out with a girl from my course in February. We both liked each other last year, despite not talking to each other and we were put on the same placement together for this year of the course. From September to February there was a lot of naive flirting but we ended up starting to go out in February as mentioned.
It's been the best 5 months of my life. I felt as if we were perfect for each other and she was The One. We never argued and it was clear that we adored our time with each other.
She ended the relationship suddenly 2 weeks ago, and the vague reasons are not helping me move on at all. I miss her so much.
She had a tonsilectomy 4 weeks ago, so she went back to her parents' home to recover from it. Prior to this, we were doing everything together and she showed no signs of wanting to break up with me at all.
5 days before the break up she said that she couldn't wait to see me again, and that she loves me and misses me etc.
How can you go from that to suddenly breaking up with someone?
She started counselling a month or so before the break up for some issues of her past. She clearly wasn't 100% happy with life otherwise she wouldn't be going to counselling. But she shared everything with me, cried in front of me everything.
She said that she hasn't been happy about the relationship for a while (despite not showing it for a single second).
She listed a few things I did wrong, which aren't anything major but I understand and take the blame for them (like not making decisions or not showing an interest in meeting her close friends etc).
As I said at the start, this was my first relationship. Needless to say, I WAS NERVOUS THROUGH OUT IT ALL. It's horrible reading "First relationships never work out". I was so nervous about making mistakes that it seemed I ended up making a few minor ones. She didn't complain about anything, so I didn't change. I didn't want to make a bad decision, so I just said "I don't mind, up to you!" for example.
I told her that I loved her 2 weeks into the relationship. She was shocked at the time. Since that day, I tried to go slowly to compensate the speed I went and it seemed she tried to go fast to compensate how "far back so to speak" she was. She didn't say this, but it's obvious. We didn't start to have sex until 4 months into the relationship because I was nervous about it (VIRGIN). I still didn't sleep with her because I couldn't get it up due to nerves. I also took it slow by not moving too fast by, for example making a big effort with her friends etc.
Her family adored me. She tried to go fast by saying we should go on our 9 week elective abroad together in 5th year of University, and that her Grandpa had a car going for sale and that me and her should share it for the up-and-coming 4th year placements as we have to go a fair distance from our University for it.
She showed so much commitment. I never shied away from it. I always said "Yeah sounds awesome!".
I loved her to bits, and I just hate it how I don't understand how someone can go from "loving you and missing you like mad" to breaking up within a few days. It really is agony.
I feel myself getting more and more depressed, especially when she's constantly in my dreams.
Basically, I'm sticking to the NO-CONTACT rule right now. She finished with me exactly 15 days ago, and I plan to not talk to her so I give her space until we go back to University (August 31st). So that's about 2 months of no-contact.
I know I shouldn't trust her considering how fast and shocking she broke up with me, but I would love to be in a normal relationship with her. We're both to blame because of how weird it was (me going slow to compensate, and her going fast to compensate).
I will try to get over her over the Summer, but if I see her in August/September time and I still have feelings for her - I know that I'm going to have to try and do something.
Can anyone decipher or give any assistance as to why this has happened?
Help would be greatly appreciated. I'm in a low place right now.
How could you be your self then? You couldn't even become intimate due to your nerves (I understand you were a virgin so that is some excuse but still).
I'm sure she sensed that she wasn't getting to see the real person behind all the nerves. She wanted to see who you were and what kind of things you enjoyed and not some first date stuff that lasted 5 months, where you are constantly trying to get her approval.
You need to show your partners the real you. They will either like you and you will have found a person who truly enjoys who you are or they will not like you and you can both save yourselves from wasting time on people whose personalities you do not enjoy.
After 5 months you should have felt comfortable with her.
Yup - those would be reasons to break up with someone.
These are not vague reasons, at all.
I truly understand your agony and I am sorry your are going through all this. A break up is one of the most difficult things for us to deal with, specially when you were in love and its your first serious relationship. You seems to be a sensitive person that look after other people taken by what you said about wanting to be away from relationships because a girl that you have hurt. And that is a great thing. Most people would not care. But often people that are sensitive suffer more when it ends as they love more, feel more, get more involved in the relationship.
You seemed to be really involved in the relationship and was supportive over your girlfriend's problems as you said she shared some of the problems with you, cried in front of you. And a month after she went to counselling she broke up with you. Maybe she was in this relationship for the support you have been given her, but when she found the support she needed in the counselling she had no other reasons to stay with you. Which means that maybe she did not love you that much, she was not with you for the right reasons.
I don't think the reasons she gave for breaking up were good reasons at all, as when you love someone you try to accommodate, and may even talk to the other person about it. You being nervous is not a problem. There is this guy that I have a crush on and he used to be so nervous around me and I always found it so cute, because it showed me that he really liked me. As for what someone else said here, this is the real you, being nervous, trying not to mess it up...But even though she might not be giving you the right reasons, attitudes speak more than words, and if she broke up with you, it is a sign she is not so much into you and she doesnt want to be by your side.
I know it can be hard to understand, as you always have had a great time together. I also have a friend that used to be my best friend, and I love her to bits and valued our friendship a lot, but since she and I stop being so close as she moved to another house, the friendship also weakened. She always said that I was her best friend and was very good to be around with a great friend that I was for her, but suddenly she changed and she never talked to me about it. Later I realised that she was just using me because I was always there for her, but when she found other friends, she stopped caring about me.
There is no much we can do when someone decides to move away, but respect their decision.
I think the no contact rule is a good choice and I do hope when you are back in college you have, not forgotten because first love is always to be remembered, but understand that she might not be the right girl for you. You deserve someone that is not superficial and I am sure that you will find someone right for you.
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