Coming out of the aftermath
I'm having some difficulty coping with my emotions right now over my best friend, who I have feelings for. We're about to head on out for college, and I guess I just want to vent to people that aren't involved.
For a bit of backstory, I've struggled with addiction to alcohol and other drugs for most of my "adult" life. My first love had used me to replace a guy who had committed suicide that she loved, and it gave me some emotional issues. I feel the need to be important and be a caretaker in my relationships, and through that some dependency problems. My best friend and I had been dating siblings, and when I split with my first love, her boyfriend began becoming more and more abusive. I was drinking a lot in this time period, and she and I began to grow a lot closer/intimate through some very intense experiences. I fought her boyfriend and they broke up. We decided to sleep together. I gave her my virginity and I got attached, drank too much and tried to tell her how I felt about her, but ended up scaring her away.
Half a year passed, and with a lot of hard work, we have our friendship almost back to "normal", but with a small change. I still have feelings for her. It's hard to control my ridiculous feelings of jealousy and suspicion when she goes out with her friends to raves, or spends time/does drugs with guys that aren't me. Circumstances don't allow me to go hang out with her and her friends. My plan is to confess when she's about to leave, and say that if we meet later on down the road I would love to take her out on a date.
Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent, but any opinions/advice would be awesome. (PS I've been sober for a little over 2 months, and I feel stronger emotionally. I just feel down tonight. She's at a rave she really wanted me to go to, but I wasn't able to)
You are about to go to school where there will be so many activities that you will get past all these past experiences.
Please go there unattached and able to interact with all kinds of people.
PS - If you are just going to college you are a young adult. I hope you will enjoy the coming years sober and serene. There will be groups of students at college who have decided to live alcohol/drug free. There are even dorms where pledges are signed to ensure their living space is drug free. Surround yourself with kids that are sober and serene about it.