Rock and a hard place
Hi im in a relationship with a lady i love,we have two kids each and after four years of living together apart we bought a house. All of the children were spoken to and agreed it was a good thing to do. There ages are 21,20 19 and 17. there are the usual arguments but nothing to traumatic. ALL the kids work apart from my 17yr old son who dropped out of sixth form and decided to do nothing we spoke to him time after time and tried to motivate him to find a job. He would stop in bed all day if one of us was not at home.
Over a period of eight months he became disruptive coming and going as he please disrespectful and i have to say not nice to live with. We discussed his negative attitude and the impact it was having on the family, however he could not see any problem.
After refusing to help round the house and not paying something to keep i told him to leave he smashed the windows in the house and left, saying he hated me and my partner.
Its been a month now we keep in contact and i know he has had an interview for a job. He seems calmer and regrets his actions.
I have been told that he has been hanging around with a local drug dealer. He wants to come back home i want him to come home but my problem is my partner does not want him back. She says that she will not live in fear. I fully understand this but i need your thoughts please. Its tearing me apart.
Please be has honest as you can. Many thanks
I would have him come over maybe once or twice a week for family dinner so your partner can see his attitude change. Make sure he gets a job and can start helping out. Have him come over to mow the lawn when you partner is there to see how he is being help full. He really needs to show her that he is better behaved now and willing to help out. Have him do small jobs around the house, make a flower garden etc. (with out him actually living there).
You will always love him because he is your son but to your partner and the rest of the world he will have to earn their trust and respect again.
17 is a difficult age. They can get into all kinds of troubles. Can't some alternate arrangement be worked out for him since your partner doesn't want him back?
My opinion? Bring him back home!!! He is only 17!!! He is going through a very vulnerable age. He is hanging around with drug dealers. When will your partner be willing to accept your son back? When he becomes a heroin addict or alcholic? The longer he stays out on the streets the more likely he will land himself into trouble.
Call him over have him stay with you and monitor his behaviour. Call him back home. If he enters the path of self destruction you, as his father will be in a lot more pain.
Take him back home ONLY is he is in counseling. He sounds - from the behaviors he is doing - like he has major issues and it is not fair to your new wife and other children.
A "contract" should be in place. He should either have a full time job OR be in school. If he works, he needs to pay a fee out of his check to help out. (As do all the other kids). Do not tolerate any alcohol or drug use by this kid.
You must bring in professionals to deal with the entire family and especially this one child.
He may need in-patient psychological treatment. NOW is the time to get that taken care of. 17 is a kind of limbo time for kids - still a child, yet nearly adult, legally.