Trust problems

Posted by
on Jul 21 2014 at 13:27
Member since: 21 July 2014
Gender: Male
Country: United Kingdom
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Where to begin, I know I need some help and advice.

Been with my girlfriend for 7 nearly 8 years. I love her very much, I think shes very beautiful, and Im very affectionate and loving.

Last year on my birthday, she was flirting too much with some guy at the party, her sister stepped in as she was too drunk to be in control, she sister told me all about it so that I was aware, we argued a lot, and now her sister has denied everything she said to me, so that friendship is gone, I spent months on antidepressants, we went to counselling, but we didn’t really solve anything.

Then last wkend, a similar event happened, and I broke down, I cant understand why she cant tell sleazy men to leave her alone, she’s so naive and I don’t think she has control when shes drunk, so honestly Im worried she’s going to cheat, or even worse wake up in a ditch one time. I will also admit that my jealous is out of control, even if she talks to a man I hate it. This event she told me that the man was asking “what Ive got that he doesn’t” so that to means that he was flirting a lot.

If the situations were reversed I wouldn’t do anything like this to hurt her but it keeps happening. She has promised me that she will not hurt me but If im honest I don’t trust her anymore and don’t know how to fix things.

I given her a final ultimatum that if this happens once more Im ending the relationship, was I right to? Is there a better way to stop this?

Reply from
on Jul 21 2014 at 15:46
Member since: 14 July 2014
Gender: Male
Country: New Zealand
Hey there.

Okay, first off, I may be overanalyzing, but I just want to give you some material to think about, "I love her very much, I think shes very beautiful, and Im very affectionate and loving." In this relationship, which I'm assuming is a typical romantic/physical relationship, I'm not sure if you're communicating properly. Every part of a relationship's important, and trust, communication and honesty are among those.

I'm going to type something out that I've typed out something like seven times now, I have absolutely no idea if it'll help you, or if I'm trying to advise on something you're already doing great, but here goes.

Men and women are different. Different but equal, and both tend to have strengths and weaknesses that complement the other, that is one of the reasons a lot of humans form bonded pairs of one male to one female.

Men tend to be more decisive, and make quick decisions. We usually have a clear command structure, or seek to make one, and as said previously decisions are made fast. Women tend to think about things more, analyze things and consider what they are doing more. This makes decision-making take longer, but is better for long-term decisions. So, how does this relate to what you're saying? If you don't understand the minor differences between you it can break your relationship apart; women will often perceive male statements as being abrupt or abrasive, and males often perceive female statements to be verbose and overly extended. Make sure when you're communicating with her that you listen, really LISTEN and pick up on the subtext, if there is any.

Now, for the other things... If she's promiscuous while drunk, perhaps she should consider not using alcohol, or limiting her usage. I struggle not to go into a violent rage (cold, murderous and very dangerous) from the smallest amount of alcohol, so I don't touch the stuff. Ever (I respect the people around me probably don't want a sharp object forcibly inserted up their nose ).

If you're feeling inadequate and that you're not measuring up to other men in some way then I'd advise you meditate on it for a while, try to figure out the root cause of your feelings (I get really bitter and jealous feelings for a cousin I've got, he's in medical school, and I despise the thought of people having knowledge and power that I don't have, particularly if it relates to me, i.e., medical knowledge>biology>I am biological, I am not in medical school. Now that I know where that burning, squirming hatred comes from, I can move on and get past it, and respect what he's trying to do, and keep a good friend). Figuring out the root cause can help, sometimes, a little.

Will your girl cheat? If you communicate with her well, and both share your thoughts, feelings and observations (with perhaps the odd exception) then you should know the answer to that question.

Bottom line, she shouldn't really be flirting, unless you've got an open relationship (don't get the point of those, but if it works for you ). If she knows and respects your feelings, she shouldn't be flirting. If she knows that you're having to take medication to deal with what she's doing, she should stop. If you've asked her not to, and it is a reasonable request, she shouldn't be flirting.

It sounds like the sister was honest, and then regretted her honesty, tried to cover up what happened to avoid hurting you, could be innocent, but I'd make a note of that.

Ultimately to answer your question, I need to know, are you asking her to stop flirting, stop talking to men, or stop taking large quantities of alcohol?

The first one would be perfectly reasonable, the second not acceptable (she can talk to whomever she wants, you don't have a right to stop her), and as for alcohol... I suppose it's negotiable, but you can't stop her from imbibing whatever she likes.

If the relationship seems "dead" and EITHER, I repeat EITHER of you is not interested in continuing it, then break it off as quickly and painlessly as possible, don't yell, and don't get too bitter, life's too short to complain when someone has to be honest and give you shi**y news.

I hope this text and the examples help, and that you get a bit of clarity out of it.

Reply from
on Jul 22 2014 at 02:49
Member since: 29 December 2013
Gender: Male
Talon, I spent several years with a wonderful woman who drank to excess when she felt she needed to. She too, told me she wouldn't do anything to hurt me. But, it took me awhile to realize that she was hurting me just by drinking too much where she became a different person and flirted outrageously with other men in front of me.

Sometimes it got out of hand when the guy she was flirting with would want to take it further and she would 'run' to me to protect her.

It all came to head when I stopped defending her and her actions and told her she was responsible for her own actions. Nobody forced her to drink to excess and in the cold light of the day, she had no respect for herself so I couldn't expect her to respect me or our relationship.

I too, used antidepressants to cope until I woke up to the fact she wasn't capable of having a loving relationship while she relied on alcohol at certain times. It was the wait until the inevitable 'next time it happens' that got to me. I dreaded it.

I walked away in the end with a heavy heart but I eventually got over her. She could find someone else to 'prop' her up when she drank...and I have no doubt that she has and more fool him.

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?