Am I too emotional?
I'm quite sad of what had happened. Me and my husband just had an argument & I think the worst argument we had. It all started when he shared how his day like was and me asking back. I'm not sure if I sound investigating but for him every time I ask something like anything, either about women, his things or stuffs, friends, etc... for him it's all about investigating. I don't actually mean that. Of course sometimes I want to clarify what his talking about and it leads me to several questions.
Anyway, he told me that he had a great day so far. When we're about to eat, he told me that his "female co-worker" cleaned up her desk and cabinet and found out that she still have some stuffs which she didn't used. She gave the glass to my husband which my husband was happy about because he said he don't have a glass. Not only that she also gave her mouse pad to him. Which my husband accepted and bring it home, in which actually we don't need it because we already have mouse pads at home. It just made me wonder why he still have to bring it home though we already have one.
I can't remember when it started but I noticed lately that he always mentioned the name of this "female co-worker" whenever we shared our stories. Not only that, I remember that the "female co-worker" once gave him some sweets and he even brought it home and shared it to me. But that time when I heard it, I had a different feeling. I love sweets very much. But when I knew that it was from his "female co-worker" - I felt something is wrong. Then lately my husband shared stories that the "female co-worker" gave her like this or like that and sometimes to the whole team. But I didn't mind it because I know it's just a co-worker and he also shared to me that this co-worker has a bf.
But today I wasn't able to hold on my feelings and I asked him which sounded for him that I'm investigating. It turned out to a big discussion. We fought
He told me his hurt because I'm showing him that I don't trust him. Which is for me unfair, I know I trust him but it's the situation I don't trust.
I told him, though I haven't meet this girl, I have a bad intuition towards her. And I don't know why. I know it's quite unfair for her! Now I don't know why if I'm so over reacting or not! I'm also hurt of what he told me. I feel sometimes that I don't have the right to ask. Whenever I start asking something or anything, for him it sounds already that I'm investigating. How can I let him understand that I'm just really asking and I would like to make sure that everything is ok.
last weekend, we had a huge discussion. I know I was kind of childish when I asked my husband again about the mouse-pad his female co-worker gave. We had such a great weekend and suddenly just came into my mind asking him about it. I know I shouldn't have asked. But I think, I should, otherwise, it would fester in me.
I asked him if we still have a mouse-pad, which was a wrong introduction. I know I should have asked him if he still has the mouse-pad from his co-worker. And he showed it to me, I said I don't like that, because I thought right after our discussion last time, he gave it back to her. I was kind of furious when I knew that it was just still in our cabinet, and didn't show it to me.
At first he made fun, like ok, we can burn it and then dance on it while it's burning. I just listened to his reactions and suddenly he said, he might used that on his laptop if he's working on the train. Because at the train, the tables are sometimes rough and he needs a protection to it. I admit, the mouse-pad was not the super mouse-pad to protect his laptop and I wondered why. As far as I know him, he would buy good quality things if it has something to do with work or convenience.
I suggested to give back the mouse-pad to her and we buy a better one. Then the discussion started. He said again, that his very hurt the way I treat him because it shows that I don't trust him - which I said it's not. I don't know why he don't understand my feelings. He said he's not a child anymore to know not to say no if someone try to seduce him. He said why I'm thinking of him like that and why I married him if I don't trust him.
I felt sad about it, and could not speak anymore because at the end, I felt like I was blamed for everything. And he said thank you to me for ruining our beautiful weekend.
I don't understand, what I only want to hear is that, making me sure that nothing is going on, and I should not worry about it. I'm just wondering, if everything is ok, he should make me secure that everything is alright. Not that, he would start to blame me for everything and being hurt because I don't trust him. I told him that I trust him and it just the situation I don't trust and maybe this female co-worker. But I don't know why he don't understand that. He even told me if I'll meet the girl, I asked her. And he said, I'll bet the female co-worker will really laugh to death on my reactions. It seems that he defend the girl in this situation and showed it to me, that I am so wrong with all of these. Every time I felt something like that, he is defensive. I don't know why...
Please enlightened me, I need a positive advice. And I want to understand the situation too... I have an exam this week and I'm not sure if I can pass it because of this conflict. I don't have the energy anymore to study and prepared for the examination.
I hope somebody could help me understand, that it's ok to feel this way and I made a mistake and I should accept it.
I would like to discuss this again to my husband but I don't know how to start.
Anyway next month, I'll be meeting this female co-worker because I have to visit my husband, I don't know how to react. Should I be-friend her or just ignore her? It's quite difficult because she's seem to be the reason why we have this discussion. And I don't know how to handle the situation.
Any advice? Thanks in advance.
ps. last weekend on our discussion, he was so mad and he cut the mouse-pad into pieces and threw it on the garbage can. I was also so upset when he did it. What does it mean?
Hi Tatjana ,
I understand how you feel , especialy as this co-worker is a female , you love your husband so much that you cant bare him giving attention to any other female , you want his full attention on a 100% level , also i feel deep down you dont trust he is telling you the truth and this woman is a bit of a threat because he thinks she is just being nice and he doesnt understand your feelings , if he iknows it upsets you then he should stop accepting items that she gives him at work , this will be a bit difficult as men dont often like to seem to sound ungreatfull when offered something by the oposite sex ( depending on what it is !! ) in every relationship there has to be a bit of jealousy between 2 partners and i feel your quite jeoulous of this woman , after all she spends most of the day in the company of your husband ....please , please talk to your husband tell him this woman is making you feel insecure , he probably would feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot !!!
If he is an understanding hubby , then he should feel proud that he has a wife who loves him very much and who is very sensetive .
As for meeting this woman dont feel you have to be nice
Just act yourself ...be very loving towards your husband so she will know that she doesnt have a chance in hell !!
Dont let her spoil your relationship , as women we know if our husbands are hiding something , see how he reacts around her , you will know if he starts feeling a bit uncomfortable , but bare in mind he knows you dont like this woman very much , so this could be a bit tricky .
Go with your instincts !
Good luck .
I understand perfectly where you are coming from and founded or unfounded there does seem a little jealousy on your part, however, your husbands reponses are compounding these feelings, by throwing wobbly's and trying to make you feel guilty, try to make your questions just that and not queries, tell him firmly you are responding to his actions and not to bring home cheap tacky objects he wouldn't consider if he was paying for them.
When you meet this woman be polite and generous with your responses and tell her what a generous person she is to be giving things and how much you enjoyed them perhaps you could take her a bar of chocolate in return, you clould also say
as your husband already had a good mousepad you donated it to the local school club who are short on these small things perhaps she is just a sad person who feels she needs to buy her friendship, but above all be honest with yourselve are you just jealous, normal and very natural feeling at the right level
thank you for all your reply. I met the girl. And I was quite disappointed. Before that, my husband even said that she's really good & he thinks that we'll be friends. I was also expecting that. But when I met her, it was not.
Ok, I went to my husband office with my cup for coffee. And my husband told me, if I want to have some coffee I could come by. So I brought my cup & when I entered I saw her, she's not beautiful, she dress so bad and she looks like a man but she has kind of smiling face. Though her hair is short she has earrings.
Ok, I said good morning and I was asking if my husband is there, she responded good morning too but then keep reading of what she's reading, and she commented something and laughed as she saw me. I knew it was her, because I felt that I will not really like her.
I saw my husband preparing the coffee machine.And then I just went directly to him. We were not introduced that time. After giving me my coffee, I went out again. My husband introduced us during lunch time. I felt bad, and he told me he forget it. So I take his word.
When we were introduced, she was saying on her dialect, and I told her that I don't understand her. But she still insisted speaking on her dialect, which I really don't like. It showed to me that she don't have a respect.
My husband told her that she should speak to me in high-German not on her dialect, and she said, she can't do that because she don't know how to speak high-German but she know how to write it.
I said what a lame! I think we've seen 3 times already, and I don't really talk to her, except by just saying hello. And that's it! My husband knows it already how I feel.
I don't know what else I can do! Well, as I've met her, I just don't like the way she behave and I think we will clash together. So I think I just leave it that way.
Tatjana please dont ever feel that you are to blame I spent 30 years married to a person that both physically and mentally abused me i cant call him a man as "Real" men dont beat women. The situation that you are in is because like me you maybe feel insecure ,perhaps he knows it winds you up when he talks about this co-worker and he goads u please try not to fall into this trap next time he mentions her just say something like "oh thats nice" and leave it at that once he sees that you get riled he will do it all the more. where as if you dont react he will get fed up hope this helps xx