PeoplesProblems Logo

I hate his smoking so much but he doesnt understand

Default profile image
I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and I knew about his smoking before we got together. I thought I would be ok with it but a few months into the relationship I had a talk with a friend and I realised how much I hated it. I've always had pretty strong feelings against smoking and after talking to my friend I felt like I needed to say something to my boyfriend. We had a bit of an argument about it but after talking about it for a while he agreed to stop for me. I was so happy and we didn't speak about it again for ages, until I saw a packet in his car. I asked about it and he said he did still occasionally smoke at work but it was only a few a week, not every day. I knew that it would be difficult for him to give up cold turkey so I didn't press it. A few months ago, we went camping with a group of friends. We arrived and I started to set up the tent and he went off to "see some friends". When he came back it was obvious he had been smoking. I was so angry at him I didn't speak to him or look at him all evening, until he managed to get me on my own and he apologised. I was crying and he said he hadn't realised how much of an issue it was and that he wouldn't do it again. I told him that if he really needed to have a cigarette I would understand but I never wanted him to smoke when I was around, and he agreed. About a month later, we were at a party and his ex was there with her new boyfriend and my boyfriend was getting upset and quite stressed out (she cheated on him with this new guy, and basically treated my boyfriend like shit). He came over to me and asked me if he could smoke. I was impressed with how he asked me first and I knew it was a stressful situation for him so I agreed, and he respectfully waited a while before coming back to me so that he didn't smell and I didn't have to think about him having just smoked. I thought that I was fine with this until a couple of says later when a friend posted some photos from the party on facebook and in the background of one I saw him hunched over a cigarette and it made me feel physically sick to look at it. I was so shocked at how horrible it made me feel seeing him like that but I didn't say anything to him because I he had been considerate about asking me about it and I didn't want to start an argument for no reason. Anyway, I put it out of my head but a couple of weeks later we were at another party and he came over and said "I want to go and be bad". I didn't really understand what he meant until I looked over and saw a couple of his friends smoking. I asked him why he felt like he had to and he said because he wanted to and didn't need a reason. He kept making jokes about it and making fun of me for getting upset, saying things like "Why are you getting so moody?" and "stop being silly". He went off eventually and had one and when he came back I told him not to come near me until he stopped smelling of smoke. This he did and I tried to put it behind me so as not to ruin the rest of the evening. We didn't talk about it. Last weekend, he took me to Alton towers for the weekend for my birthday. I was having an amazing time and it was lovely being able to spend time just the two of us. I needed the toilet so he said he would have a look around the nearest rides and meet me in a couple of minutes. I was waiting outside and I saw him coming towards me, with one hand behind his back, looking guilty. As he reached me, he said "don't be mad at me" and revealed that he was smoking. He went off to finish it and I sat back down and waited, feeling so upset. I'd told myself that the other times he had excuses, like his ex being there, or being drunk at the other party, but this time I had literally left him for two minutes and he felt like he had to smoke. It felt like he had betrayed me in a way, because I had asked him not to smoke when I was around and recently it had happened three times. We carried on to the next ride when he came back but we didn't hold hands, I refused to look at him and we were in silence for the next 15 mins or so. I eventually broke the silence because I didn't want the rest of the weekend to be like this and he apologised and I forgave him. At that point I said to him that I didn't care any more what he did because nothing I was doing seemed to work. I didn't want to have to do something drastic like threaten breaking up with him because I would never be able to go through with that and he knows it. He said that he was relieved that I was going to stop pestering him because he didn't want to not be able to do what he wanted just because I had said he shouldn't. We eventually got back to normal and I tried to forget about it. The next day, he smoked again and he kept joking about it and I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin the weekend. It frustrates me how suddenly he seems to feel that he can smoke around me all the time, and he knows he can get away with it because he gets all jokey and makes me feel like I'm being stupid for getting so upset, and he knows that I will always be the one to break the silence and forgive him because I hate us not talking. This whole smoking issue has made me feel so upset and worried, and its almost less about the smoking now, more that he's breaking his promise (not to smoke when I'm around) and that he jokes and doesn't seem to realise how much of a problem it is for me. I don't want him to damage himself like this, when there is already a history of heart problems in his family, I don't want him doing it because it smells and is a disgusting habit that hurts both himself and the people around him and I don't want him to smoke because of the way it makes him treat me, how it makes me feel and the problems that it causes between us. I told him that I have given up trying to persuade him to quit but I can't just stop, feeling as I do about it. My problem is that I don't know how to do it, or even if anything is going to work. I don't want this to stop an otherwise perfect relationship with the man I can genuinely see myself spending the rest of my life with, I just don't know what to do. Any advice on how I can deal with this would be greatly appreciated xxx

I hate his smoking so much but he doesnt understand

Default profile image
you have already spoken to him about it. You told him your feelings about it. He isn't going to quit for you. You need to realize that he isn't going to stop. Now analyze your own feelings. Think hard on if this is something you can live with or is it a deal breaker. You have already spoken to him and he isn't going to change. Now the ball is in your court. Can you live with it or not? If you feel his other qualities out weigh this issue then great. If you think this is a deal breaker and you will just be fighting constantly with him over it, if you cant imagine growing old with a person who is at risk for cancer, heart disease, Congestive heart failure, bad breath and teeth, thickening arteries and all the medical and stress that this could cause latter on down the road then get out of it.

I hate his smoking so much but he doesnt understand

Default profile image
Maybe he should try electronic cigarettes. They are excellent for someone who really does want to give up. Research them, order them online and give it to him. For some people, giving up smoking is not easy. Dont give him a hard time over it. If he really wants to give up then the electronic cigz will for sure help him with his cravings.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-3