Am i selfish as a parent?

Posted by
on Aug 3 2014 at 23:27
Member since: 03 August 2014
Gender: Female
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category I have been married for over 15 years. I detected some problems in my hb during the first couple of years of marriage. We have two children and now they are teenagers. I had been talking to counsellors, reading books on marriage and tried many different ways to approach him about his behavior or at least to come to an understanding. To this very day, he still doesn't know me for me. He says that I am stupid, and I bore him with my unintellectual conversations.

Being around him is like walking on land mine. After many years of trying, instead of trying to help him to realize how much he is affecting me psychologically, I tried to change my way of seeing things. I started to work part-time around the children's schedule so that I don't have to get lectured or scolded when I asked him for money to get necessities for the children and for me. In the very beginning, we agreed for me to be a stay-at-home mother while her worked. Many times, my parents helped me out financially so that I didn't have to subject to his demeaning attitudes.

My focus is entirely on the children, and I started to go back to school. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for over 3 years. He joins us during meal times, and he hides in his room. He does his things at his own time.

He seems to be getting worse. Whenever we are all in the car, we are not allowed to talk because he said he is being held captive and have to be subjected to listen to our conversations. Sometimes, he and I started a conversation and suddenly, he asked me to shut-up!

He doesn't spend much time doing things with the children. Sometimes, he scolded them for laughing. Now, the children don't ever want to be stuck in the car with him or want to do much with him.

For me, I constantly have to seem normal when I am in public even when I have been suffering with depression. I am trying very hard to remain positive for the children. Also, most of the times, I no longer know what is normal and what is not.

Why don't I leave him? Even counsellors suggested that I should consider that.

But, I am not financially independent especially when I haven't exactly been working full time for 15 years, and now, I am in school. He controls the money, and he would fight for every penny if I am to leave. I don't want to be in debt. It worries me especially when I have two children to take care. They have a whole future ahead of them, and I want them to have a successful future.

I am miserable, and even with his controlling and abusive behavior, I am not as financially stressful as if I am to live alone with the children. He is still paying for the home, grocery and bills. I want to be able to nurture the children in things that they are passionate with. I don't want them to go through life missing out on proper exposures and education.

I have been squeezing in time to work whenever I can; between studying, all the house chores, errands and nurturing the children. I still need money to pay for my own bills like the children and mine cell phones, gas that I use to drive the children around (no public buses), my own necessities, etc.

I do everything at home including buying everything that everyone needs in the family. He said that he is doing a lot like the garbage, mow the lawn, and work full-time. I also had been working 3-4 days a week until recently.

Am I being selfish to stay? Will the children be happier when they don't get to pursue what they want even when they don't live with him under the same roof?

I am not techie savvy nor adventurous like he is; something that the children who seems to enjoy doing with him; when he is in this good moment.

Many times, I feel that I don't deserve to be a mother because I can't protect my children and give them a loving father. And, I have depression.

I spend a lot of energy and time trying to explain and assure the children about why their dad is the way he is, and it is not their fault. Also, at the same time, I trying to remind myself that he has some psychological issue, and try not to sink back into depression.

It is very difficult when the 'bomb' usually explodes erratically! - can be in the middle of having fun or joking; in the middle of a conversation; can be when we are minding our own business, etc.

Am I selfish for staying even with the psychological abuse?-because I am so scared of unable to provide for my children? I don't have family nearby.

Reply from
on Aug 4 2014 at 01:26
Member since: 27 December 2013
No wonder you are depressed. You are living with a dark cloud around your head (him)

What kind of message are you giving to your children (Women shut up and are demeaned and belittled by men. Women don't have any rights. Women are weak. Be quiet, the father is the only person that matters in the family. Men are mean)

The courts will decide what he pays for child support, so you can let that worry go.

You need to get out of that toxic relationship and save yourself.

You husband sounds like he has problems - even a psychosis - and it it getting worse.

Reply from
on Aug 5 2014 at 06:46
- unregistered user
I have been married 16 years, and feel like I know what you are going through. My problems didn't "bang" until we had my first kid 4 years later, and we've been having adjustment issues every since. I felt the pain that you are going through and wanted to let you know that you are fine and should feel confident. I am a very patient and understanding person and because of that I've been treated as somebody that doesn't care, a horrible wife (a good mom, though) and many other things. My husband has violent aggressive streaks that have been detrimental to our marriage.

Marriage ia tough, especially when you have children. It's so hard to let them know that the relationship between mom and dad has/had nothing to do with them, although a lot of issues where emphasized because of the kids!

I'm trying to make it work because of our kids, but it's boot easy as my husband is ultra selfish and aggressive. I am scared of him and don't know if I can overcome my fear of him.

My hb does not help out with anything regarding kids and is always doing his own thing. I say this to let you know that you are not alone and should seek friends and family for help. Nobody should feel helpless.

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?