Husband of 10 years flirts with my friend

Posted by
WEREBROKEN
on Aug 4 2014 at 04:12
Member since: 04 August 2014
Gender: Female
Country: United States
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category There are many examples of things and some are typical guy things, like he likes to look at porn etc. I don't like it and he knows but does it anyway so its a battle I no longer fight. But the lines have crossed the other night. We were out with friends and went back to their house after our evening out for a few drinks. It was fun and we decided to "play" marco polo for something to do. There were three couples, one couple was unaccounted for at this point so it was my husband and I and another couple. My friend and I decided the guys were being boring so we started the game outside. The guys came out of the house and found my friend right away. My husband said to my friend "I found you, now you have to get into the pool." She said no they had to find me. My husband didn't look. he told my friend I had probably gone to pass out somewhere and they should just go swimming. this conversation went on for about a minute but stated in different ways. Finally my husband said "(Name) Lets just get in the pool." My friend said "We need to find your wife." My husband said "Im sure shes passed out in a closet somewhere, come on lets go swimming." My friend said "I don't know where your wife is." My husband said "So what, im sure shes passed out, she's fine, now lets take our clothes off and get in the pool." My husband earlier in the night had slapped her butt a couple times when she had walked by as well. This friend is one a few years ago he kissed while I wasn't around. My friend told me and my husband confirmed it. But this past turn of events left me broken because he had no concern for my whereabouts or saftey at this point. Yes we were all drinking, but that is not an excuse as he was not too drunk to want her naked in the pool with him while he "thought" his wife was passed out somewhere. A couple friends told me they think it was all in fun, and I said if that were the case, he would have wanted me with as well or at the very least wanted to make sure I was at least safley passed out somewhere... Another friend told me ( a guy friend ) he's a guy and likes to look when he has the option. But looking at close friends with no regaurd to the whereabouts of the wife you think is drunk, is pretty hurtful. Especially since I was nt very drunk and hiding only feet away from him saying all of this until I couldn't stand it any longer and stood up and said "Marco" He said "Oh there you are, we were looking for you." I walked into the house and went to bed. The day after he ignored me, told me how embarrassed he was for my outburst and stayed in bed all day again with no consideration that he is a parent with children and he can not just take everyone else for granted that they will take care of the family responsibilities so he can pout in his room. Am I over reacting? That moment I lost what ever trust I had left for my husband, and in return the trust in my friend grew a lot!
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Aug 4 2014 at 04:35
Member since: 27 December 2013
Your husband is pouting because he got caught with his hands in the cookie jar . . .

He is being immature and flirting dangerously - but you were all drinking and you were co-responsible for the entire setup.

Counseling is in order for your marriage, me thinks.

Reply from
WEREBROKEN
on Aug 4 2014 at 07:13
Member since: 04 August 2014
Gender: Female
Country: United States
Thank you for responding and counseling has been talked about by they only help when denial stages are over and the other person wants things to work out. I agree something needs to change but I disagree that drinking socially once in awhile with friends is any kind of set up. We have several couples as friends and I don't see them doing these things. And I dot believe alcohol should be blamed. He was wasted, he was not drunk... And if a person is constantly blaming alcohol that person should stop drinking... Many people do stupid things when drinking, but the slaps on the butt were done while sober before alcohol. But like I said I do agree about talking, but I also know if a spouse can't listen to his wife after many years of what's hurting her, a counselor isn't going to perform magic and bring feelings that are to me, not there. I've been on the fence about leaving for a few years and the old expression of the straw that broke the camels back is kind of how this sits. Maybe it doesn't seem like much to many, but to me it made me say the words out loud that I've up until now, just been thinking. I said I wanted a divorce. He still hasn't talked to me and I really don't feel I contributed to this particular instance. We were all having fun with our friends. No marriage should have the problem of " should we avoid that outing for fear my husband will want to be named with another woman". So I guess in a way you have me my own answer. If I don't want to avoid friends for fear of my husband crossing the flirting line I know where that leaves me. 10 years is a long time... I still love him but I'm tired of being sad and having it be my fault. We were out with friends and that shouldn't be considered a set up for what happened. I don't know anyone who is happily married who avoids friends for fear of setting their husbands up to screw up. My intentions were actually the opposite. I thought it would be nice to have. Night out together with our closest friends and maybe ease some of stress to be around happy couples. I guess that backfired in my face :(
Reply from
WEREBROKEN
on Aug 4 2014 at 07:15
Member since: 04 August 2014
Gender: Female
Country: United States
I meant he was NOT wasted, nor drunk. I hate auto correct! Lol
Reply from
BUFFALOBOB
on Aug 4 2014 at 17:14
- unregistered user
Well let me just say that what your husband did was wrong, however some people are just like that & by that I mean a lot of men & women whether married or not love to flirt. I had a sexual addiction for years & used to think that wives who cheated on their husbands were very sexy. I don't condone what he did by any means & I know it hurt you & I'm very sorry for that. I know it probably made you angry as well. You said you don't want to avoid friends for fear of your husband flirting. Are there just certain friends that your husband flirts with or is it all your girl friends whether they're married or not? Just so we're clear like I said I don't condone what he did but you will have to agree if you're totally honest that men & women married or not we all have sexual fantasies, desires, wants, needs, cravings etc. right? So that being said have you ever pictured yourself with another man who wasn't your husband? Have you ever had desires or fantasies that you've kept secret? Have you ever flirted with any of his friends at all when he wasn't in the room even just a little bit with a glance or a look or have you ever thought about doing that? I'm just asking you & by no means am I accusing you because I don't judge anybody..I'm just wanting to point out a few things. I'd love a response from you.
Reply from
WEREBROKEN
on Aug 4 2014 at 17:49
Member since: 04 August 2014
Gender: Female
Country: United States
@BUFFALOBOB

It is not all my friends, just my closest friend. As for desires and fantasies etc, I do agree that every person on the planet has these. The difference is I have NEVER acted on them nor even thought about it. I married because I wanted to. I married knowing what that kind of commitment is. I was accused of flirting once with a friend of his. It was innocent but that was years ago and I made it a point to never knowingly do anything he would think that about because I hate feeling hurt by the people you love and I don't cause hurt. I think this just goes way beyond the normal desires and fantasies that everyone has. THATS normal, acting on them when your in a relationship is wrong, UNLESS its a mutal agreement with each person in the relationship. I have a couple friends who are swingers and my husband always thought that was cool. I am very much a one person kind of girl and that stuff is very hard for me to even understand. I take sexual activities very personally, but Im starting to find out im in the minority with that. Now I have a question... When is it no longer flirting? Like I said the butt slaps and the other things that have been done I didn't pick a fight over. But is it still just flirting when he was trying to get her to in the pool with him naked? When is it no longer flirting? Because he is a flirty person, he always has been... But there have been a few things that have more than crossed the line, this would be the 3rd time my heart felt the pain of his actions. so does the heart know when its crossed a line?

Reply from
BUFFALOBOB
on Aug 4 2014 at 18:16
- unregistered user
Hello,ok it's just your 1 friend. I understand that you got married because of the commitment part & I totally respect that. Nobody likes to feel or be hurt at all & I also understand & respect that. Thank you for being honest & admitting that every man & woman have sexual desires, fantasies & so on. Has your husband ever wanted you to swing with him or has he ever been pushy with the subject? That you know of has he ever cheated on you? Well it goes beyond flirting when there is a kiss or of course any kind of cheating or intimacy with another woman or man. About being in the minority with sexual activities now a days that's probably very true. You said you don't pick a fight when your husband does these things & that's very mature & right of you as fighting is never good, however do you ever mention his flirting to him? Do you think given the chance he'd ever cheat on you for real or do you think it would just be a kiss & a butt slap or grab here & there on occasion?
Reply from
WEREBROKEN
on Aug 4 2014 at 18:37
Member since: 04 August 2014
Gender: Female
Country: United States
: ) Youre welcome for admitting that, but no thanks needed, I think people are lying if they say they don't. I will tell you something else that I have never said, and yep I know this is online, but its something for three years I kept to myself. I stopped drinking to get drunk three years ago because of what happened and I stopped to not allow myself to ever be to a point I was incoherient. We were out celebrating my birthday. Yes, my husband and I had talked about things and he knows its something that I would never do. He's been asked and told how it makes me feel especially when the people he wants to do things with have names and faces and it went beyond looking at porn. My closest friend up until 3 years ago, had been friends for 26 years, our daughters are to this day best friends. Well, I was drunk and I went up to my room because I was at a point I was going to throw up if I didn't go lay down. The next thing I knew my best friend and my husband were... Well lets just say that I was no longer dressed and I was no longer alone in my own bed. I don't even remember all of the details, just bits and pieces. When I confronted them about it the next day I wasn't even sure if it had really happened so I asked. They confirmed it did. My husband said "Well we had talked about it, I thought thats what you wanted" The conversation went on from there and he confirmed that we hadn't talked anymore about that passed curiosity and my stating I wouldn't do that. My friend from then rarely talk unless its swapping our kids and my husband well I guess he lived out one of his fantasies. But to me? I feel like I was vio;lated in the worst way a husband can violate a wife and I dont even to this day know what to feel about my friend. Anyway, thats a whole other story, but it answers your questions I suppose. So I do believe he would cheat, I think thats why this hurts is because he was taking the next step past innocent flirting and wanting to be with her naked and was relentless about trying to get her to go swimming and reassure her that I was passed out somewhere. But since that night 3 years ago, I don't get that drunk, I rarely even drink anymore, maybe three times a year with friends, or a beer at a weekend BBQ. So Yes I do believe after what he did three years ago and his attempts at being with my friend this past weekend, I believe he would. He swears he wouldn't, but flirting is fun as long as there is no meaning behind it or desire, everyone likes to be made to feel attractive, but when it goes to a point where you get the feeling in your stomach of that not right feeling, I think then its going to far. I think lots of people are sttractive, lots... But I don't think about having sex with them. Lol at this example but I LOVE flowers, I surround myself and my yard with them, but just because I think they are beautiful doesnt mean I want to eat them. People for me are the same way. Everyone looks, people like beautiful things, but you can't touch. Did I answer your questions ok? And just an fyi, this is day 3 and he still hasn't said a word to me. Don't know what I think about that. I want to talk to him, but this conversation is the same as many others we've had so I feel at this point talking is pretty pointless. He knows I am hurt and not even an attempt at trying to make it right by apologizing. Maybe he knows Ive been broke and the apologies wont work anymore, maybe he really thinks he didnt do anything wrong, but the bottom line is if you hurt your spouse and you love them, wouldn't you want to try and figure it out? I know I apologize, so I guess maybe he just doesn't give a crap that he hurt me. I don't even pretend to know what he thinks anymore.
Reply from
BUFFALOBOB
on Aug 4 2014 at 19:12
- unregistered user
Yes I'd want to try & figure it out of course & yes you answered a lot of my questions thank you. Well if you think your husband doesn't give a crap about your feelings then maybe you need counseling or maybe you need to find another man who will treat you like a real lady & be attentive to your needs, wants, cravings, fantasies, desires, etc. As that may sound bad but...& I totally understand about the drinking because alcohol can make you do things you'd never normally do. I also understand your feelings about your friend. Does your husband still watch porn? If you like all those things you mentioned to me & your husband doesn't give a crap about you, your feelings or what you like then what would you do if another attractive maybe sexy man came along? You said you have fantasies & desires like everybody else & I know this is online but have you ever relieved yourself ie masturbated to any of them....please be honest.
Reply from
WEREBROKEN
on Aug 4 2014 at 19:25
Member since: 04 August 2014
Gender: Female
Country: United States
Yes, he still looks at porn... No I've never done anything with myself to porn or pictures etc. I think a man is sexy of course at first with the eyes, but the personality, devotion and commitment are what I find sexy. A guy who never makes you doubt your beautiful no matter what you think of yourself. One that makes you feel confident in yourself and the relationship. So to answer your question of what if a sexy man came along... First I would have to be single to even give him the chance to be " sexy". Eyes don't know anything, hearts know. Now if you asked if I wished I had a man that did that, my answer would be yes. But then I think that my husband was like that once or I wouldn't have married him. I just wonder where I went wrong to make him want anyone else but the one he picked over 10 years ago.
Reply from
BUFFALOBOB
on Aug 4 2014 at 19:46
- unregistered user
You're right about the eyes & the heart. Well you admitted that you do find a lot of men attractive so I just threw in the sexy part because a lot of times sexy is better than good looking or just attractive. sex appeal is well very appealing lol. I know you wish you had a man who was like that & I know from just these short conversations that you'd have never married your husband if he wasn't like that at 1 time...however he's not now & that's a shame because you seem like a beautiful woman inside as I don't know what you look like but you can tell me if you want to :). You didn't do anything wrong for him to be this way dear trust me it's not you & not for 1 second should you ever think that...this is his problem. Being a man I know that if he found you attractive, good looking, sexy at 1 point unless you've totally let yourself go & have been ugly to him in your personality then he still feels the same way he just has an addiction & finds things on porn sites sexy that he knows you won't do for real so he gets his kicks that way. So even though you're not single & a married woman I'm certain that there are men out there who will tell you that you're beautiful sexy & make you feel like you want & deserve to feel. Like your husband doesn't make you feel anymore.

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?