He's my best friend who lied to me and now things have become complicated
I don't usually post on forums, but this is a particularly difficult one and I can't disclose it to any of my friends. I have two best friends, Josh and Sam. Josh fell in love with me a bit for sometime and Sam had told me but I was seeing another guy. I then broke up with that person and Sam broke up with his girlfriend sometime after too (about 5 months ago) and we ended up sleeping together when we were very drunk. We dealt with that and it was fine. I am on anti-depressants and so was Sam, but I believe he has come off them and I was off them for a week at some point and I got all these weird emotional feelings for him but now I'm back on them, they have died down. I spoke to him about it and we kissed about 3 weeks ago, but he kissed me with the line "he doesn't like seeing me sad" which obviously confused me more. So that is the background of this conundrum.
However about a week ago we slept together again, he made a huge deal about how it can never happen again due to Josh's feelings for me and it would destroy him, blah blah. Which hurt me cuz it's not nice to be like "a little dirty secret". So Sam has been texting his ex a lot, who Josh and I really don't like, and last night Josh and I were talking about said ex and he made some stupid comment about her looking lie Rihanna, so I checked her profile on Facebook. It turns out they have been seeing each other since at least the 19th of June... Which means that a) Sam has been lying to both of his best friends and b) he's kissed and had sex with me while he's been with her of which I had no idea.
I feel incredibly betrayed and I feel so hurt that he couldn't even tell me, but also that I have promised I wouldn't tell anyone what has happened between us. I have no one to talk to, I'm not even sure how I should feel about it and I am still somewhat confused about how he feels about me and also how I feel about him. I've been trying to get in contact with him all day but his phone is off, but I feel so dirty and awful. I hate lies and I hate secrets I feel so betrayed and I don't want to lose my best mates and I feel like I already have.
Thanks for any advice anyone can give to me
Hello, I want you to know that it's not uncommon how you're feeling. I understand that you feel betrayed because lies are not good. If you just slept with him the first time when you were drunk (as alcohol does things to people) as we all are aware of, it might have been different. However you both slept with each other again but the thing I find odd is that he was lying to you & to this other woman. If Sam cared too much for Josh's feelings then he would never have done it a second time (don't you think)? So maybe that's a copout for what he told you so he could be with this other woman. Maybe you should ask him how he does feel about you & I think you should re-evaluate your feelings for him too. Not that you can't be friends or not that you don't have sexual feelings for him, I'm Just trying to make a suggestion to you, I'm not judging you at all because back a while ago I slept with one of my best friends at the time & she was a married wife & mom of 4 kids. Our affair lasted for several years but it was basically a sexual thing. We loved each other as friends but that was about it. We just enjoyed each other but we didn't let it ruin our friendship. Does this make any sense to you? Please let me know.
FIRST - YOU need to find out if this is all true (that he has been seeing her AND you) But remember, there was no promise of love and commitment and you were drinking (bad judgement) and there was no follow-up, so you let this "hang" there with no plan.
PLUS you shared with Sam that you were interested in Josh.
SECOND - realize that guys will have sex with anyone available. And you made yourself available, without being in a relationship. So you are co-responsible in this, too.
He's using Josh as an excuse to not to commit to you - but those were the terms you had with him. So again, you set the tone of this entire thing.
Break it OFF with Sam OR - both of you make a commitment to try to work things out.
Josh is not even in the picture, so discount him. Both you and Same betrayed anything with him anyway (IF there was really anything at all)
SusiedQ...again you're putting men in a general category. You must have been hurt by a man or by some men & again NOT ALL MEN ARE THE SAME! There are a lot of us that while we think some or a lot of women are pretty or attractive doesn't mean we'd sleep with them. Come on that's like saying a woman would sleep with any Tom Dick & Harry that comes along & pays her some attention. While that may be true about SOME MEN & SOME WOMEN NOT ALL ARE LIKE THAT!
I'm picking up that these are teenagers.
And, yes, teen boys WILL go with whomever offers it, and she did - no strings attached.
You need to step back and look at Sam because he really isnt a friend at all. If he had any respect for you as a friend or a person, he wouldn't have used you.
You mention the words hurt and betrayed in your post..ask yourself why.
Boys/men are not animals who will have sex with any one/think that offers itself up. Do not get this in your head it only gives them an excuse to behave badly. Example "I cant help it I'm just a guy" Bull shit.
Sam lied to you. He has been using the Josh excuse to hid his cheating.
Tell Sam you know about his lies and how he used you for sex. Then get away from him. He is a user of women. He lied to his girlfriend and he lied to you. You don't have to tell Josh. Just tell Sam his little game is over.