Trust - just found out partner has been secretly saving money
LENNON - Aug 8 2014 at 14:45
I've been with my partner for 12 years. We started our relationship while she was with someone else and our affair eventually turned into a relationship. One problem is, that in the back of my mind, I think because of the way we started, I've never really trusted her. But I don't think she's ever strayed. But she does lie when in arguments, and despite us both knowing about it, she sticks with the lie. It's infuriating. Also at times, she can be really selfish. I'm pretty much the opposite - I'm probably too honest and too selfless for my own good. And people do take advantage of me and I do end up squandering cash cos I'm aways first and last to the bar, and terrible at chasing up money owed to me etc. But that's how I am and I like it...
Anyway, I've just found out that she's been saving money and keeping it secret for years - around 15-20k. I was heading back to our home (we live abroad) and had to go through some documents. She realised that by going through them there was a good chance I was going to find out about her money, so she fessed up, but only because she knew she was going to get caught. When she told me, she lied that she *forgot* about these savings. I said that that's impossible, but as with whenever she lies, she just sticks to it and doesn't back down. But when I looked through the docs yesterday, I find a letter that confirmed a 6k withdrawal a couple of years ago - I have no knowledge of where that money went. She doesn't know I know this yet, but I now have evidence that she's been using this account, no way did she forget it existed.
I've asked her before, recently only few months ago cos we're a bit broke and she categorically denied having any money or being to get hold of any. About five years ago I had paid off a 6k credit card debt of hers with my redundancy money and with the rest we used as a deposit on a house, and borrowed money from my father to top it up. At one point a few years ago we were extremely broke and I had to go to a friend cap in hand to ask to borrow some money, which she knows I hated and was terribly embarrassed about. And now all the while that was going on, she's been snidely hoarding cash away for herself. She has now run up another huge credit card debt (that I didn't know about) and we're planning to remortgage the house to pay it off (I have no idea where her money goes). So she was again going to take our money to pay off her debts, even though she has 1000s tucked away.
I know in some ways it's nice that there's money I didn't know about, but I also know that if I wasn't coming back to look at documents, I would never know it existed. I'm furious and I feel proper cheated upon. While we run mostly separate accounts for personal spending, but all my money goes into us jointly, there's never anything left to save. With her, seems what's mine is hers and what's hers is hers... But all that aside, I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to trust her again. It's the outright lying and the dishonesty and the selfishness of it. Right now I think this could be the end...
Am I overreacting? What do you think?
I don't think you are over-reacting at all. It is very deceitful and I think you have every right to be feeling the way you do.
I am all for having a bit of money but by, but when you have financial difficulties, there is nothing wrong with expecting a bit of support from your partner. Especially as on the face of it, her spending is the cause of your financial problems.
I would definitely not re-mortgage and tell her to pay off her own debts. She can always build up her savings again if that's what she wants. The interest earned on savings is a lot less that what you are being charges on debts.
And ask yourself (and/or her) why she's building up such a stash of money.
I'm in a money dilemma myself at the moment, by other half is forever spending money that I have allocated to pay direct debits. He swears blind that the direct debits will be honoured, yet when I check, month after month, they have bounced. It ends up costing us a fortune in charges, from the bank and the companies.
He seems to think it's ok to give his money to Mr William Hill or Ladbrookes whilst all my money goes into the house.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against him spending his hard earned wages on whatever he wants and I'm not trying to tell him how to spend his money - but only after the bills have been paid.
Every month it is the same, and I have to pick up the pieces. I don't know how many chances I have to give him to get responsible with money. So angry, and like you, really think this is the end, fed up of facing this yet again.
Arrgghh money, the root of all evil eh!
Lennon, saving up money secretly is in itself not bad especially if the partner is in the habit to spend out. But that stacked up money should be used when there is cash trouble to bail out of it. Since your partner has not been doing it, you are justified in your anger.
I would suggest you sit with her and find out why she saved up money, where she spends it etc.
Thanks both. I'm going to try to get to the bottom of her motives - I've read around that it's not uncommon for women to create funds for a relationship exit. Not that she'd need it as she earns almost as much as I do. I've come the conclusion that it's either a) totally devious; b) complete lunacy; c) both Either way, it's going to be hard to trust her going forward. Sigh...