Feeling depressed over my relationship
I'm starting to become really confused to the point where I feel like giving up. I've been with this guy for 5 years on and off and we have been living together for a couple months now after I left a recovery house, I'm now 7 months clean and sober. We've had an abusive past and now everything just seems and feels broken. He's always getting angry at me, or annoyed. I can't do anything right, I don't even feel like myself. I feel like I'm just floating around and existing. I feel like he's constantly putting me down but he just always tells me to "listen" or "fix it" or whatever else he comes up with and I'm not sure whether I'm in the wrong or he is and I feel like the relationship is toxic. I've told him to leave and he says he will then comes back and apologizes to me but now I'm worried because he started drinking again, not a lot but bad things have happened in the past and I can't seem to overcome my thoughts. It's really stressing me out and I have no one to talk too. I feel extremely lost and so unsure about everything. I'm just isolating.
Hmm, heard a few similar stories, not sure if I can help. Assuming I understand you correctly, then I can relate a very relevant story, one which is personal and I've had to experience from the outside.
My parents had what sounded like a very similar relationship. My Dad made all sorts of promises, didn't keep them up, they ended up both having serious emotional issues and eventually broke up (or are breaking up, they seem to take about six months between talks. ). If they'd done so a decade ago, it would have been better for my sister and I, but that's in the past now.
If he's making you feel this way that's unacceptable. Tell him to leave and not come back. Be assertive, stand up for what you feel and believe in. BUT, BE POLITE/CIVIL at the same time. If he keeps trying to force himself on you, call the police, have him removed, restraining order, whatever you need. Don't get angry, but make sure he leaves you alone and doesn't keep planting himself in your turf.
Make sure you're not being isolated from your friends. You could try things like joining a volunteer group, getting a part-time/casual job, whatever you need to make sure you're not on your own all the time. I've learned to appreciate that when you're on your own, you become emotionally vulnerable and fragile, and you'll feel really crap and uncertain. You'll feel better and will be able to think more clearly if you've got someone to talk to, even if you're not talking about this stuff.
Some more stuff to think about, I don't think it applies to your situation, but it's a good piece of knowledge/wisdom to have in your mind, and I stress, think about this once you've read the whole thing, or it won't make a whole lot of sense: Men and women make a great team, not just because of similarities, but because of differences; men focus more on a single thing, but have a more narrow range of thought, counterbalanced by being generally more decisive. Women focus on many things, weigh options and make better long-term decisions, but sometimes are less decisive.