Things not going well - feel lost
What do you do when the feelings are gone ?
I have been with my partner for 20 years with 2 children. I suppose from the start our relationship was not equal. When we started our family I went back to work part time. Before that all bills were split equally etc. I thought that a proportionate split would follow after my drop in income but no-I was still expected to pay my half. I have struggled on with this but it has left me somewhat resentful. The other big issue is around trust. I recently took up some team activities which I love. It has given me a great circle of female company, a social outlet and fun. I really feel that I am coming back to myself again. I used to take a drink many years back, however this was always an issue with my non drinking partner (just tee total no alcoholism ). With my new found social life I decided to again take an occasional drink. He really has a problem with this and it compounds the trust issue. I have never given him reason to mistrust me. A friend pointed out recently that a lot of the problems in the relationship are based around control. Now that my eyes have opened I can see this and I'm angry with myself for not being myself for all these years. He has suffered with depression and has been v negative about everything which has been hard to live with. I think that my feelings have at this point have dwindled, the spark is just gone and I feel stuck. He keeps telling me that my feelings have gone. He still loves me and wants to put it right and he has made efforts in the sense that he's contributing more etc. However going out with friends and an impending work trip abroad are real contentious issues. When we are out together he accuses me of blanking him and not being a united couple. I am getting it hard to work at the relationship and find that I'm happier in myself when he's not around. He has threatened to leave several times and I have said maybe he should but them we decide to give it a go again. I am afraid of breaking up as it would upset so many people, both families children etc. I know I would come to terms with it but I worry how he would cope and worry about the confrontations surrounding separating. My desire for him is just not there even though he's in great shape etc. I would love some advice on what to do. Is this worth working on or should we call it a day. I don't think the trust issue will ever heal and how do I get back to loving him the way anyone deserves to be loved by their wife. Can u love someone who doesn't trust you?
Yes, you two have grown apart. All marriages (and with this much history and the children, this is the same as a marriage) go thru this.
Perhaps counseling is in order. You really must WANT to put this back together, and it sounds like you really don't want to.
Having new "social outlets and fun" is not reason enough to give up on a 20 year union. I don't think you have really faced what it is about this man that made you fall "out of love" with him.
You are right having new social outlets and fun is not a good enough reason to walk away from 20 years together. But it\'s very difficult when there is a social night organised to look forward to it as he becomes moody - he doesn\'t trust me at all and I have given him no basis for this. These social occasions are only every six weeks or so not a weekly occurrence. We have gone to marriage counselling and really in one sense what it did was opened my eyes. The counsellor - who is excellent and very experienced - pointed out that he is being controlling, judgemental and fails to listen to what I have to say and while he hears what I say he will still stick to his own conclusion. I really have only myself to blame for tolerating stuff from him in the past and if I could let go of that resentment we could move on. But how do I get back that spark and attraction because for me if things are not good on the emotional front it\'s hard for the physical side to go well.
You are going to have to let go of the past.
What good comes from constantly thinking about those things that have happened years ago?
Set new standards and ignore his pouting about you joining friends once in a while.
He sounds needy and insecure. That kind of person is exhausting to live with.
He looks to be possessive and insecure. Either you need to put your foot down and tell him thats just not acceptable or send him in to counseling for it.
I initially indulged in my partner's insecurities but when it went beyond a point, I put my foot down. Now he is fine and is no more possessive. You need to be strong sometimes.