I have been married 20 yrs. Last year I caught my husband with a married woman from our congregacion at her house. It was dark when I walked in, but I heard him pulling up his pants (belt buckle and keys made noice). She was in a long shirt, no pants. I pushed her out of the way and then I started beating on him. He finally got up and left. I left after him and took the vehicle he had drove. I took everything from him. I told two elders of the church that I thought I could trust. I just need to mention that my husband and I did not live together for almost a year as we were saving for a home, but we spend time together everyday. So I was living with my mom and he lived at the church. I asked him why and he said he didnt know, later he said cuz he wanted to leave me, then he said cuz he was horny. He always changes the reason. I knew he had been talking to her 3 months prior and I told him then if he wanted to sleep with her he should let me know and I would walk away. He told me he was just giving her advice on her marriage. I told him she should be talking to me and not him. He swears that he had sex with her twice...no kissing and he did not get a hard on or cum (she had stated the same). He said hes not attracted to her. The woman then contacted me saying she wanted to be truthful to me. We met and she told me a whole different story. She even said they were going to leave together. I confronted my husband and he said that she just did that cuz she contacted him and she wanted him to go with her and he told her no. I forgave him and so did the church. We were getting counseling from another Pastor, but then he turned around and took the church (people) from us. THe woman also went and told anybody who was willing to listen to her story. It's been a year and I am having a hard time with him. He still pastors a church , but he smokes and listen to non christian music now. It seems like he is not sorry for what he did and he does not want to really work things out with me. I'm at the point that I want to kick him out but I think of my kids first...They are older though 19, 17 & 15. I dont know if he has not been able to forgive himself and get up from where he has fallen...I'm confused. Im not sure what to do?
Ok first of all. When I think of Pastor I think, “Spiritual Leader.” Now I understand were all human and make mistakes but even the god in the bible has his limits. “Sorry,” is just a word. Action backing the word is what creates an apology as well as a change of heart. I also understand that I don’t have the entire picture. But I do have a similar picture so to say, to go off of. I have family member who is in an abusive situation and she has the same concern about her kids. Her husband is abusive, a bully, manipulative and frankly the only thing stopping me and all the other guys in my family from shooting him is the law. The unfortunate downside of her refusal to leave him, on behalf of her kids is that each of the triplets have become and are becoming just like their dad. Its really sad too cause none of their cousins want to be around them any longer and neither do the adults. We forget that the people we live with, live around and those that influence our lives, are those who we will inevitably emulate. I sincerely hope everything works out for you.
Thanks Keekay. I don't think I ever thought of it as abuse. I was just thinking if things don't change I will just wait for my youngest child to turn 18 which will be soon and then we will separate and divorce. Our kids don't know about the affair. Thanks again though.
Forget about his pastor "job" - he is a fraud and really should step down from a vocation where he is supposed to counsel and guide by example.
You marriage is a mess. I'd bet your children already know - since it's all over the community.
Do what's best for YOU. Don't wait for your children to be of age. This marriage is not an example for them to follow. You insisting on respect in a marriage is important for them to see.
I agree - you have to put your OWN oxygen mask on first before you're any good to anyone else. Who cares about the he said versus she saids, anyway? The fact of the matter is that the first duty of a spouse is to protect their partner from the monster under the bed, not *become* the flippin' monster! Adultery is the worst relationship crime you can commit.. the most deeply traumatising and devastating act you can subject someone who loves and invests in you to. As Mira Kirshenbaum ("Too Good To Leave/Too Bad To Stay"
puts it, never mind wondering if your cheater still loves you; a spouse who could do that to you doesn't even *like* you! (which basically means resentment too deep to sort out without serious help. Either that or he hates himself and his life, anyway.)
Get out of his mid-life-crisis crosshairs and leave him to deal with his obvious problems himself. Insist on a decent separation period (6 months at least) with zero emotional contact. He's hardly allowing you to help him to get back into the marital boat so what else is there to do unless you wish to be the only rower going round and round in circles until you get driven crazy? Your kids need a happy mother above everything and anything else - FACT.
Don't be scared of separation; I know the thought of it's scary but it's actually a godsend merely in monstrous clothing. If you have enough left to draw you back together then there's nothing like absence to make the heart and ones sense of appreciation fonder; and if there isn't, there's nothing like separation to allow YOU to detach (to where you'll barely care or have a clue why you ever did). This means that whichever is the result, by then you'll be happy with either, win/win. If you don't summon all your strength to do this, I promise you that you'll only months or years from now wish you had.
Also, go talk to a solicitor (most offer free consultations). You'll be surprised what a huge difference it makes to find out, without obligation to act, exactly where you stand and how surprisingly secure (or securER) you'd still be if you wanted to divorce him.
Basically, he's broken the romantic contract, meaning there IS no marriage or relationship any more. If he should decide he regrets his actions and wishes to start another relationship (persuade *you* to start another, I should say), he's perfectly capable - repeat, PERFECTLY CAPABLE... just like he was starting this side one, Big Fat Eh!
Show your disapproval with your feet. Men hear and respond to actions, not words.
Hope that helps.
Thank you SUSIEDQ. I want to think of myself but I need to think of my kids too. I just need to know that they will be ok if we separate. They are really good kids and I dont want someones error to destroy them. I am very sure that they are not aware of what dad did but I know they feel the bad vibe.
I do agree with SOULMATE. I guess he needs to heal on his own because he is not letting me help him. I beleive in God and was trying to do the right thing but God gave us our own free will and obviously my husband will is not my will. So just like God lets us learn our lessons but is there when we need him then I guess I must do the same. Thank you both for your advice.
You're exceedingly welcome, Clown! I know exactly what you're feeling right now - third, second AND first-hand! It's Hell on a stick!...at the time, anyway. The saying, No pain, no gain, however, is one of life's firm trusisms....thank God (, she said as she looked appreciatively for the umpteenth time over at her life-partner upgrade!)
You come over as very mentally strong, but I advise you in weak moments to liken this nightmareish period to the struggling of a chrysallis before it emerges as a magnificent butterfly that takes to the air, because that's exactly what's going on in terms of psychological equivalent (despite he's been the one to trigger it).
It's likely that either your marriage was never 'perfect' enough to last longer than X years (some people are only supposed to be stepping stones rather than the terminus itself) OR this immature man had forced/found/obediently positioned himself onto a life path and style with which he is nowadays too dissatisfied and rebelling against - in a way that avoids having to intellectualise and talk... the lazy/helpless/emotionally unintelligent way. After all, if one wishes to cause a drastic change by acting out or to introduce some excitement and challenge in ones life, what's more effort-free or more instant than an illicit affair? It's certainly easier than changing your career, getting in better shape, fighting aging, etc., isn't it, and it's accessible to anyone.
I note he's not leaving you, however. So I suspect this is a Leverage affair whereby you're supposed to end up so cowed he gets his way more often. He may not actually want you to end up a total doormat and is just be going too ham-fistedly far in his quest to shift what he perceives as whatever long-term power imbalance? Don't let it work, however. He's not a toddler. The grown-up, CIVILISED way to bring about an improvement in the marital dynamic is to initiate a serious sit-down discussion or suggest counselling. There again, if he possessed that level of emotional intelligence and confidence, we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place, would we.
Try not to take it too personally, however. He's not thinking of your feelings and wellbeing, he's not capable. What injured animal IS? And trust me, to reach middle age or thereabouts only to discover you dislike intensely where you're at and increasingly headed is to all intents and purposes an injury. Consider him temporarily insane...certainly chronically DefCon-ed.
As for you, courtesy of his being the one to have acknowledged the 'corpse on the floor' that is the state of your marriage or lifestyle over which he hasn't the clue/energy to improve, I guarantee that in 2-5 years you'll secretly be raising a glass to him for having forced you to [a] start anew with someone else, someone emotionally stronger/more intelligent and whom shares your core moral settings even under duress of life's kack or [b] start afresh with a far more enlightened and mature him.
Yes, God/Fate/whatever manipulates through our remit of free will decisions and actions. "No pain, no gain", aka pain leads to gain... and the greater the pain, the greater the eventual gain. It's all good. ...just doesn't feel remotely like it in the meantime, that's all.
Again, I think you should indeed tell him to leave, for a while at least. Frankly, I suspect you'd be doing him a huge favour (shock therapy) because clearly he can't find the self-motivation for actually dealing with all that's ailing his mind, and obviously cigarettes/weed and a change in music won't make any difference in the long term.
"Don't know what you've got until it's gone (or nearly gone)" - another truism. I think Einstein put it best, though: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Best of luck, despite you don't even need it, just a healthy sense of what's right, justified and productive, like fight or flight and having the courage to see either through. Only freezing and doing nothing gets you killed or maimed. And that includes mentally.