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All my fault?

Posted by
on Aug 19 2014 at 00:30
Member since: 18 August 2014
Relationship advice I went to bed and I mentioned about having sex to my husband. He said, do you want it then but we didnt have it in the end. We had had a little read first and he was rawning alot so I knew he was tired and im sorry I suggested to have it in the first place. I ended up arguing with him ssying it is always me who suggest to have it never him. I feel he doesnt want me or find me attractive because I always mention to have it never him. He is 48 I am 43, he says hes getting older and cant do it like he did when he was younger but I think this is rubbish and a excuse. He works as a sales rep and I know he gets tired but I am sick of alwsys suggesting to have it never him. It would be nice if he said are we having it before je ssying it hen I would feel wanted hut he never does. He said there is no one else and only wants me. Also I got my hair done and he didnt say it looked nice like he as before and I had a new top on but he didht say a thing. I have to get filler put in my nose because I had a operation on it and he didht ask how im going to pay for it which cost £400 and im not working. He raised his voice and then said he would pay after me telling him hes bothered to ask how I will pay for it and I told him I dont want him to pay for it. I really feel he doesn't give a damn and want someone to tell me either to stay with him or leave him. Do other women always have to ask to have sex with there partners? I said he might be going through a mid life crisis and may want a younger woman for sex because he as been with me for 22 years and must he fed up with my body and want a younger one but he denies this. I look after my hair put make up on dress casual hut I dont realky dress up for him in the bedroom but he says I don't have to and doesnt put demands on me and he says Im not always the first to say are we having sex but I am. I dont get a orgasm and think I have it for the sake of having it most of the time.
All my fault?
Reply from
on Aug 19 2014 at 12:39
Member since: 27 December 2013
Can you go away for a weekend? See if that spices things up.

How about re-doing the bedroom. change id around, paint, make it a new place.

It is not unusual for men who are in the midst of their work career to be distracted, so you have to change things up a bit.

He also may need a physical. Is he overweight? Does he exercise? Join a gym with him. That sometimes works (the exercise)

He is a bit young to lose interest in sex, so if all this doesn't work, insist on a complete physical for him.

All my fault?
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Aug 19 2014 at 12:52
Member since: 19 August 2014
Hi Sunset,

I hear resentment. I think he's created resentment in you outside of the bedroom as well as now in. I suspect you actually do find it reasonable that a long-term married man only 2 years short of 50 would have a waning libido, but what you don't find reasonable is the fact that ON TOP OF making you feel like the underdog he's now no longer even putting in the same wooing effort as before (other than with his mouth, whenever prompted, that is...blah-blah-blah). And I think his reason also boils down to his own resentments.

First off, you're married, so what on earth is producing this attitude that *you* - singular - have to afford something vital, particularly if he's the sole breadwinner? Surely, him footing the bill was a firm tacit? You're supposed to be a *team*, *partners*, aren't you?...ain't no I' either. So what's with this?

My husband likewise complained a while back that I didn't initiate sex as often as he did. I reminded that he set that standard very firmly during the whole wooing period, i.e. that was a facet of his self-advertised 'package' upon which I made the decision to 'buy' (particularly as my exes had always been the more passive ones, meaning it presented as a majorly, highly refreshing change, something I'd greatly admired in him), meaning if he wished to move the goalposts, he had to apply to change the contract by mutual agreement (so to non-romantically speak). That's as far as the conversation or issue went, as it happens... probably something to do with the fact I'd spoken the words admirable and impressive, LOL). Things got back to their usual initiation ratio of 70:30 with zero complaint since. Personally, I think he'd just been fishing for reassurance and, having got it, went back to feeling good about us again. But not just that. Read on...

I'm sure your husband *doesn't* want to get fired, or else he could have said something uncooperative rather than 'there's no one else and I want only you'. Example, he could have huffed, rolled his eyes and said he was too tired to have that conversation. Think about it...

In order to find out who dealt the first negative blow as set off this chain of mutual feelings of resentment, the No. 1 passion-killer, you'd need a time-machine, which you don't have. So *someone's* got to be the grown-up and put some positivity back into the interactional loop. Have a guess who that is, go on, LOL. No, but seriously: female egos cope better with resentment than male ones... the proof being that you yourself are still initiating, despite everything (albeit only semi).

There are two ways you can go about this: fake it to make it or make it to make it. Faking it is which I mean: I think your idea to buy some sexy lingerie, like a babydoll, is SPOT-ON! Think female Cold War spies - they knew a thing or two...could get the man to do or say practically *anything* by approaching via the 'titillation/testosterone door'! Then, once you've both got a huge smile on your face and have gone some way to dispelling all that banked-up resentment and frustration, you can (nicely) tackle the real issues rather than focusing on this mere symptom (assuming there even are any and it's not just gross mis-assumptions and mis-understandings on both parts?).

WHY did all my past exes cease initiating and start complaining about this inequity? For the simple fact that I can be an insensitive ucker without meaning to. Men are far more sensitive than people give them credit for, and, unable to feel at liberty to freely disclose their finer feeling when you've hurt them, for fear of not meeting society's idea of so-called manliness, tend to bottle things up where they fester and grow - the main symptom of which is Withdrawal. He's probably gone passive deliberately to see if *you* still want *him*. And I suspect him having made you feel as if you had to foot this medical bill when the truth is he intended to all along is part and parcel of this withdrawal.

Oh, and never mind that he SAYS you don't have to dress up. Men's phee-phoos are emotional barometers alright. So I'd bet my whole house he'd not only be majorly turned on but utterly THRILLED (same thing) that you went to the effort to make him feel special and worth the effort to you still. He just doesn't want to have to ask...wants to see it come from you.

It'd be a really excellent start, anyway. Also, I can tell you one thing: my husband sees the fact of my dressing up like that for him *as* initiation (which it is, if you think about it).

Try it, Sam-I-Am, you might like it. :-)

Hope that helps?

All my fault?
Reply from
on Aug 20 2014 at 11:05
Member since: 07 February 2014
He is probably not tired of your body. He might be tired of other things in the marriage and does not want to talk about them. I think if the two of you talk you might get the answer to your question, should you leave him. Sex is a symptom, indifference is the problem. If he has given up there is nothing to do but accept it or leave. If not you can change things. Any woman can have an orgasm with the hand or mouth. He might be pleased to try something new.

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