Is my ex likely to come back
I met a guy on a dating site the beginning of May. We messaged constantly and became close and fell in love. We finally met on 20th june and he was lovely. The first few times we met it was a little awkward at times as we were used to messaging but it was getting a lot better and we were getting on well. We're bith busy and have a 25 min drive between us so were seeing each other just a couple of times a week but still messaging constantly. I noticed however that he was still using the dating site so i stupidly set up a fake profile and sure enough he started chatting. He has lots of problems and is currently getting over a bad drugs addiction and is on a methadone programme and also a recovering alcoholic. After a few days of chatting (general chit chat) to my fake profile he text me one evening to say he wasnt ready for a committed relationship as he was struggling sorting himself out. I was devastated. I stupidly decided to let him know via my fake profile that the fake profile was a friend of me! He immediately deleted my profile. The text he sent me saying it was over i responded to but he woildnt read it (imessage) i've tried twice since but he wont read them. So i set up another fake profile and sure enough he started chatting. We discussed past relationships and i discovered it was his last girlfriend who tipped him over the edge and the cause of his drug abuse. As the fake profile i set a scenario very similar to ours and he thanked me for sharing it said i'd made him teary eyed and had shed some light on his past predicament. Chatted for another day or so but i couldnt keep the pretence any longer so told him it was me and i just needed to explain how i felt and apologised for going about it that way. He has now taken himself off the dating site. He is on a much needed weeks holiday wiv his son as he's a workaholic. I'm devastated and cant believe i caused most of this. I wish i knew what he was thinking now and if there is a chance of sorting this out. We really did fall in love and he is the most loving and caring person i have ever met.
"Right Person, Right Place, Right Time" are the 3 requisite elements of a new relationship being able to take hold and grow and develop from there. It means you're both compatible in terms of personalities and what you want out of life, short, medium and long-term; literally in the right place at the right time for bumping into each other and connecting in the first place; and at the right place in your lives (stages and experiences matching, including being suitably back on your feet following the demise of your last relationship or whatever else life crisis).
Dating websites are notorious for attracting wounded soldiers (albeit not exclusively) of both sexes. I liken them to a hospital disco. The first clue is in how the sites take all the normal *and very necessary* hard work out of the exercise, affording cruising from home instead of when out and about, socialising and making the proper effort. So they attract those who at the time (or permanently) feel mentally incapacitated or are simply lazy and wanting to have their cake and eat it.
There are those who are trying to date whilst still in anywhere between intensive care and outpatients...and it shows in how they behave as a dating partner.
The first thing that struck me was how you reckoned you'd fallen in mutual love *before* you'd even met. That's not how genuine love occurs, so this means you were at that point in love with the IDEA of each other...and obviously the ether leaves too much room for gaps in information to get filled by ones imagination. Thereafter meeting, reality bit-by-bit chips away at/disappoints these mutual preconceived ideas and expectations... hence your initial keenness showed in the fact that you were meeting, not 'just' a couple of times/week, but AS MUCH AS. However, it sounds as if the 'conceptual' relationship was still overly predominant (messaging constantly and more than in-person).
He sounds to me like he's either [a] desperate to partner up and therefore unwilling to take it one person at a time, [b] incapable of resisting all the other 'sweeties in the sweetie shop' and settle for just one, or [c] wants merely to sh*g around under the guise of looking for a relationship. However, why is it you presumed he wished you and he to become Exclusive & Committed so soon? Did he say or do something to indicate he did as further suggested you should both abandon or delete your site memberships?
I'm not sure I agree that setting up a fake profile was stupid. Stupid is the wrong word. Rather, I think you simply weren't willing to sit there like some helpless victim waiting for enlightenment or confession on his part to take its slower course.
I don't recommend you start making excuses for him along the lines of him being a poor, helpless wickle fing devoid of the ability to be more honourable and transparent. Plenty of men (and women) shop and date around in the first 3 or so months before making a final choice, *without* having any serious issues like drug addiction as their reason. After all, said addiction wasn't and isn't impeding his ability to function normally when it came to managing a 25 min drive twice weekly or chatting up women enough that they'd accept a date invitation and further, does it, Big Fat Eh. Also, some could possibly say I myself have a personality or relationship-termination style that could drive some people to drink or drugs, LOL, but the person would have to have the strong tendency in the first place, meaning, could I actually blame myself as the cause of his addiction? Nope. How one chooses to react to and deal with things is just that - a choice, whereas there are too many other healthier, more productive remedies at hand than falling in a heap inside a bottle. So, again, don't make excuses for him including pinning all of his responsibility onto his ex. (You only have his side of the story for starters.) And don't let *him* do so, either. It's probably only his way of gaining a woman's affections by going in through the sympathy door, anyway (it's all too common a tactic of the lazy and irresponsible type of dater, being as how it's faster, easier and less effort than taking meaty, positive, IMPRESSIVE actions).
How ironic, though, that he basically unwittingly dumped you in favour of you! (Hopefully, once you're over him you'll see the hilarity in this.)
What isn't so hilarious is the cowardly way in which he ended it (text, pff!). However, it's difficult to condemn his behaviour with any confidence without knowing said question over whether initially he deliberately and knowingly led you to believe that he wished the pair of you to be exclusive with a view to working towards whatever level of permanency.
If he did, what an underhanded, emotionally abusive git. If not, it were merely an over-enthusiastic misassumption on your part - c'est la dating vie, I'm afraid.
However, that side of things attended to, you might want to look at your level of tenacity and/or denial. I appreciate you felt you needed to know the microscopic whys and wherefores behind his whole behaviour, but - couldn't you get his number after the first such fake profile incident? It's not like you got any honest explanations, anyway (read on). Regardless, he obviously didn't like being manipulatee rather than manipulator (gosh, how odd, LOL), with you managing to get one over on him not once but TWICE.
Saying that, however, I wouldn't go as far as to say you caused this. No, you did NOT, no way! Rightly or non-sensibly, you just *reacted* to it and your intentness on finding out what exactly was going on with him. After all, had he been honest in the first place(s) or brave enough to supply you with an honest debrief out of consideration of your feelings and dashed hopes, neither of those fake profiles would have been necessary, would they.
From this, I suspect this guy is very good at getting everyone else to assume his own responsibilities and culpabilities. Don't buy into it. Despite enlightenment would inevitably and naturally have dawned on you via the passage of time, you just weren't prepared to wait confused and meanwhile get treated like an in-the-dark idiot.
My recommendation is that you think long and hard over why on earth you'd want to get back such a snake-in-the-grass and sore loser. I can only conclude you yourself were too fresh out of a break-up when you met him and need to allow yourself more time to get back to realising your truer value. And the fact you find his behaviour so unacceptable and unappealing is all one needs as a clue to knowing your calibre is far higher than his.
For now, any strong emotional state including devastation doesn't last...unlike a lifetime with what sounds like a dishonest, immature, spoiled baby prat. Now that's what you *call* misery! Trust me - people put their BEST foot forward in the first few months of the Honeymoon Period; it doesn't tend to get better from there. Better, then, to start high in anticipation of that natural lowering.
Imagine how this guy would have treated you after a year, two years...!? I mean, if a man who behaves towards you that shoddily is your idea of 'the most loving and caring person you've ever met' then it definitely is time you heightened your standards, don't you think? I don't think that's truly your problem, though. I think you're simply trying to justify how you FEEL about him and your still-present urge to get the (so-called) relationship back by somewhat deifying him... all solely in order to escape this current heartache.
In short, you dodged a bullet and just need to next time try to be more accepting about the fact that despite seemingly high chemistry you might not be their exact cup of long-term tea and/or that, as in this case, the guy wasn't worthy of you (or anyone decent, mature and serious about their romantic future!) as long-term mate material.
Just grit your teeth meanwhile in the knowledge that it actually takes far less time to get over heartache than people tend to imagine. Two months tops is enough for detachment to take place, whereupon I guarantee you'll begin to look back at him and think, 'Ugh, what the hell was I thinking?!'.
These next few months will be hard but, I guarantee, oh so worth it. Be strong... keep your eyes on the trophy.. which is a man who treats you with respect and like you're the only romantic option in the world, EVER.
Best of luck, hope that helped.
Did he ever agree that you two were "exclusive"? This sounds like casual dating to me.
This is all so one sided. You say you were in love, he continues to set up electronic affairs. You set the trap, he bites. Do you need any more evidence than that?
The coffee has been brewed and is in the cup. You need to wake up and smell it. He loves the chase and looks for females who like to rescue.
Thank you for your in-depth response and the insight you have given me but just one or two things i would like to clarify in case it may change/alter your advice in any way;
Firstly your a,b,c options of the person he may be, i think he's a. I dont think he wants or has the time for more than one girlfriend and i dont think he wants to merely sh*g around particularly as a side effect of the methadone treatment is a reduced sex drive. We both agreed we wouldnt renew our dating site memberships when they came up for renewal as we had found each other and hoped we had something long lasting so it wasnt an assumption on my part. We were making plans for a holiday in october and other things that suggested we were happy and possibly had a future together, i think this may be why i'm struggling to accept the situation. He took me to nice restaurants, v.i.p seats at the cinema, always holding my hand etc. I came out of a relationship early january but there was no love and it should have ended long before. It was a relief. He came out of a relationship in december where the girl had used him and played him for wot she could get and he came home from work one day to find her gone. I struggle to say my feelings face to face (i've always been shy & uncomfortable) but have no problem with this in messages. I couldnt tell him how i felt to his face and i think he needed that. He said once i wss like two different people and i wonder if he was relating me to his ex when he decided to walk away. I do feel i've caused this and went too far with the fake profiles, especially given he's removed himself from the dating site rarher than just block my profiles. I would still love to know if he has any regrets about all this. Thank you for your time and help.
Do you not think your behaviour is somewhat a cause for concern?
You met this man a few months back. Very odd but you set up a fake profile account and begin talking to him. He then tells you he is not ready for a committed/seriouse relationship. You send him messages which he decides to NOT read so you again decide to create another fake profile account! He then takes you off his profile and then finally decides to take himself off the site completley!
Tbh, you have probably frightened the life out of this poor guy who is already battling with his addictions and now he probably feels like he is being stalked. You have come across as an obsessed individual.
Let him go. If he wants you I am sure he will let you know but at present he is showing signs of wanting to be left alone..by you.
Thank you for the response K. I'm not concerned about my behaviour. His text was out of the blue given where the relationship was heading, i fell in love got hurt and needed answers. Just to note i only sent him two messages, one in response to his and another several days later as i had something of his i needed to get back to him. I am not obsessed. I may have gone about it the wrong way (we all make mistakes) but i have no intention of stalking him i merely wanted to know what had gone wrong.
Yes we all make mistakes. Learn from it and do move on. Even if this worked out how would there be trust between you both? He will keep doubting that you are trailing him with fake id's, profiles etc. and you would keep doubting him that he is ready to date with any other girl. Trust is an important part for any relationship to develop. Here that is missing.
"...he text me one evening [out of the blue] to say he wasnt ready for a committed relationship as he was struggling sorting himself out."
Badger, you may think it's [a] but the above including the fact he demonstrated he cared not a jot for your feelings and wellbeing via the cold, cowardly, without-warning and completely incomprehensible way he dumped you supports how ever much a combo of C and B.
If things had been going well in HIS mind rather than him simply needing you to think so, or if his definition of the word well matches your own then, like you, he'd have seen no need to continue to shop around.
Ignore the latter part of his statement because it's common for certain types of people to wish to avoid leaving you thinking too badly of them thus mentioning something or other to evoke sympathy, thereby reducing your, the dumpee's, sense of bitterness toward them. Usually, it's because they like to feel they could pick you up where they last left you if ever they really needed to.
In other words, my truer suspicions lie with SUSIEDQ's, and you thinking he has neither desire nor time to date around is merely a reflection of how convincingly his false impression/s worked. After all, 'doesn't have time or inclination' is as 'doesn't have time or inclination' *does*... and you caught him doing the exact opposite, didn't you.
Same goes for diminished libido: did you actually ever SEE him taking methodone or have any proof whatsoever that the things he told you on that score weren't just total BS along that same eliciting sympathy/anger-dampening line?
All I can see is that he behaved your idea of impressively and encouragingly early on when he believed it worth his while, but then reverted to an wholly inconsiderate, cowardly pig once he'd decided it wasn't. Plenty of people decide someone else isn't their cup of tea enough to picture a future with them, but they don't all go round dumping them so unceremoniously, devoid of any kind effort towards helping them come to terms with it all, via nothing but a piddly text. (Was that all that those good times merited? Pff!)
Also - ACTIONS!: never mind that the woman he was busy wooing was actually you in disguise, just remember that he didn't dispense with you until such point as he believed he'd found a better model (should have been the other way around). It means what he was trying to do was keep you warmed and waiting, blissfully ignorant, on the side merely in case his re-cruising expedition had yielded zero result. The minute he believed he'd struck lucky - INSTA-DUMP!
Again, stop blaming your perceived shortcomings. Never mind any modern-day ideas and concepts - in the dating arena we're still operating on primitive wiring - so women are *supposed* to be fairly reticent and shy. This then leaves it up to the man's wooing prowess to make her relax and 'open up' (or not). It's part of how the male demonstrates his stuff. If he'd wanted to hear sweet nothings to the point of needing them, how's about him gushing so copiously at YOU whereby non-reciprocation in kind would have felt downright churlish?! That's how real men do it, anyway.
Your fake profiles did NOTHING in terms of affecting the outcome because by then the horse had clearly already bolted. He went as far as deleting your profile then *apparently* exiting the website because he didn't like the humiliation of discovering you not only weren't low self-esteemed and dupe-able enough but, au contraire, we're cleverer than he was looking for as well as THAN HIM. He's looking for someone far less clever than him...far less cunning than his ex, so that ' no woman will ever get one over on me again!' blah-blah-bitter-blah.
In other words, I don't disagree with your suspicion that his ex's behaviour left him with serious attitude. But there is such a thing as thinking, 'I wouldn't and WON'T EVER treat another person like she did me!', as opposed to lowering himself to her level. It's called positivity and self-belief versus negativity and a sense of bitter and egotistical vengefulness.
Maybe he does regret that this relationship didn't have what it took in his eyes, and then regrets that you managed to make his attempted shennanigans backfire onto him to the point where it showed him right royally up, but I think the evidence in his exit run of actions irrespective of all of that makes things crystal clear over whether or not he regrets the way he intended to dupe then dismiss you. Answer: Nooooo.
Say it with me: "Right Qualities (mine), WRONG RECIPIENT". You and he were a rebound relationship. And that's very encouraging because it means your next genuine relationship is next. When, not If. And WHEN that happens, you'll be able to put that incredible refusal to lie back and take being trodden all over to highly productive, positive use. And that man, whomever he is, will really appreciate such a non-quitter quality. :-)
Badger, I was just giving you MY analysis of the problem you posted. Every individual sees things through a different perspective and that was mine. You may say you dont feel as if you were stalking him but if I were your ex bf, I would see your actions as rather worrying considering you only knew each other for a few months.
I understand you now feel that it was a mistake on your part but maybe you just need to learn from it and move on and make sure you don't make that same mistake again.
I also understand you fell in love but maybe his reaction in not speaking to you was a blessing. He is dealing with some serious issues and it may just be that he needs to deal with them on his own.
I would like to thank everyone who responded to my originsl post in particular soulmate, it helped me greatly, however, i had a message from him yesterday (i havent made contact at all so it was completely out of the blue), apologising for the way he is at the moment. He said he really doesnt know what he wants right now. His antidepressants arent working and he's struggling with the meths. He said he has a constant feel of impending doom & gloom, he is suffering panic attacks. He has no get up and go and he never feels refreshed no matter how long he sleeps for. He asked if me & my daughter are ok and said he wants to keep in touch with me. I really dont know wot to think or feel anymore. I was just getting to the point where i thought i would have to accept the situation & move on. Where does this leave me now?
Where does this leave you? FREE!
This guy has immense issues and you should be waving a sigh of relief that you didn't get any more involved.
Stay away now.
Yup, agree again with SUSIEDQ.
Badger, this is a very common tactic. Whether the guy is an exploitative wotsit generally who wishes to use you if/whenever it suits only him, or whether simply/innocently he knows he's not ready like you, and thereby your ship could sail forever without him, the aim is to keep you open merely as a future option. It's called, keeping you warm (and waiting) on the side.
"He said he really doesnt know what he wants right now. His antidepressants arent working and he's struggling with the meths. He said he has a constant feel of impending doom & gloom, he is suffering panic attacks. He has no get up and go and he never feels refreshed no matter how long he sleeps for."
Yes, clinical depression including being tired all the time, feeling despairing, suffering panic attacks, is well-known for making the person feel like cruising around on a dating website (despite supposedly already in a relationship). You'll find it in the DSMV and IV manuals as a main symptom....*NOOOOOT*.
Come *on*, Badger!! Seriously??? Is that a violin he's trying to emotionally play you with or a double flippin' base?!
Re-read Susiedq's last post.
If you really must respond to him (and 'knowing' you by now, I reckon you will), I advise you say this: "I'm not sure I won't have got snapped up by someone else the time you've got your life together, but by all means feel free to look me up again come that time...can't hurt, I suppose. Meanwhile, all the best."
Say it with me: NOBODY PUTS *BABY* IN THE CORNER!!! And don't STOP saying it until you actually believe it! Feeling that way about yourself is precisely the mechanism that ensures you go on to attract a serious upgrade.
You want a drummer next time, one who leaves you UP-beat, not a violinist (who knows no other tune than The Dying Swan).
I agree entirely with everything that Soulmate said. He has pretty much summed up everything I was going to say to you in this reply.
On another note, Soulmate, I'd love for you to answer my forum topic, although it's quite a bit longer than this one, I'm afraid. But your insight is just the kind of thing I need right now. :)
So sorry, Megan! - only just found this request of yours (I'm not getting email alerts like I understand you're supposed to??). Can I have a link or what's the thread called?