Im 27 y.o. and my boyfriend is 30 y.o. - we are together for a few months. Then again "boyfriend"is maybe a big word.Im unsure what is really our relationship.We met on a dating site,but soon after i register i decided to delete my profile.We exchanged skype and that's how we keep on talking. Few weeks passed in casual conversations.I was thinking he's looking for a friend and i was fine with that.I was at ease - we got along,there were a lot of subjects to talk to.There were moments i was practically reading his mind which made both of us laugh.Anyway,at the end of February he suddenly said we should see each other some time and so we did.After that we talked on skype for one more week and saw each other again.That's when we had some development which was kind of strange since there was no hint whatsoever he likes me or something.Also he's not really my type thou i did get along with all that.Little by little i was staying at his place - at the
beginning day or two,but the time keep increasing.He even give me key so i was sort of living with him,but i was feeling more like a guest that's doing house chores...Anyway,it was all peachy at first.Im an emotional person and i like to express my feelings.He didn't mind when i was hugging or kissing him.Our intimate live was great too.As time passed by he started to push me away.If i try to hug him he'll tell me - "don't start playing "or if i try to kiss him i'll get - "don't get carried away". And if i wanted something more he'll reject me with - "my head hurts" line - the typical woman's excuse .So i stopped making any kind of advances towards him.Thats been making me miserable because im not that kind of person,but apparently he didn't mind my cold attitude at all.I started to think im dealing with emotionally immature person who show 0 feelings towards me.That will be probably fine if i haven't realize i love him.That ,of course, was leading me
to another thought - he doesn't...It took me some time to come to conclusion i cant go on like that so i gathered my things and went home with determination i must end whatever relationship we are having.And so when he returned from work saw that me and all my stuff are gone and on skype asked me whats going on.Thats when i told him i love him and i dont want to see him anymore because i cant take this one-sided relationship anymore.The moment he dealt the finish blow with a lie telling me he love me too.You'll probably ask how i know that - he just told me what in his opinion will make me feel better,but it had the opposite effect.At that moment my only thought was things will never work out between us.He will never feel the way i feel and i definitely don't like to be lied to.He was convincing me that its my imagination,that im thinking too much and i get myself in a "movie".Also that he's not good at showing his feeling and since im stupid we
actually made up after awhile.Even though i returned to him we looked more like a friends or roommates than a couple.There was no expression of feelings whatsoever - even from me.I was afraid to show any kind of emotion,because if he push me away again i'll just feel worse.I was thinking if i keep some distance between us everything will be ok.The next episode was when i learned from a third person he is still on that dating site looking for who knows what.So i decided to make myself a fake account and see is it true or not.If im at home (i mean my home) he will log every day.On skype of course he will tell me he's going to take a bath or go eat(which means we cant talk) while he is actually there online.I started questioning myself - are we actually dating?Are we a couple?If is like that why he's searching for other girls?Of course i got myself into a "movie",how he likes to call it, and started thinking we are not couple at all.He just pass his time
with me till he finds someone else.I was seriously at my wits end when i told him "i love you" and he started laughing telling me im not right in the head. That really hurt a LOT!After awhile i wasn't able to take anymore so once again i packed my stuff and went home.And there goes again - we talked.I told him why and as you probably know he told me i think only of stupid thing.That there was no other girl,he wasn't using his account,im not just for passing time.That it wont be so important to him to make up with me if that was the case....In my opinion it will just cost him less time and efforts to make up with me than find another girl,sweet talking her and get her in his bed.Once again we got back together and there was some harmony.Till once day he came back from work angry.That i learned later on,because he's not the type who show emotions after all.Never mind that im supposed to know how he feels at all times,because i MUST read minds!And of
course its not his fault that i don't.
In his anger he told me to disappear and storm off to take a bath.I,in not good mood either,did just that.Next day naturally he was yelling me on the phone how i can do that,im like a little kid - act childish,do and think only stupid things.We keep in touch on skype,but our conversations didn't went well.They were always short and cold,just from time to time he will ask me when i'll come back.After more than a week he came to pick me up - yeah,we made up ...again...But i found something else.While i was gone he apparently wasn't lonely at all.He was talking to his ex girlfriend on facebook,getting in details about the situations and the previous one,complaining about me...She questioned him about me - name,age etc. Even asking for picture to see how i look,but since he doesn't have he told her "will do" (i suppose that's the closes translation i can think of - english is not my native.) Yeah,ok...i don't look like a model and im clearly not his
type,but i felt insulted by that.Moreover why does he have to discus me with his ex girlfriend of all people?I kept silent deciding its not worth checking and stressing over it - its only on my account anyway. He doesn't know or care how i feel,therefore there is no point to get emotional.I feel better and im a lot calmer now,but we barely talk to each other.Hell - i should be happy if i even get a peck on the cheek!There was one time he told me im a good friend - i suppose that's the only thing i am to him - just a friend.My question is - what is exactly our relationship - are we just friends or a couple?For what does he need me for?He can do all the house chores by himself - he was doing fine before i came after all.And its obviously not for sex,because we are not intimate at all.Clearly is not to talk to me either!As far as i know he'll just go on facebook to chat with his ex - it looks like she understands him better that i do.So why is
he even with me?Why does he even want me to live here? My family advise was no matter whats going on we should talk so i decided to try.The things i didnt like he fixed it.He started to give me more attention and we talk really alot just like it was in the beginning.Even so there is that "small" thing thats lacking - love (from his side).
I started a new job and i thought that will help me in terms not to think about him like before.And to some extend it did.The schedule is the same every day - after im done with work he'll come to pick me up,getting home,have dinner,watch a movie and go to sleep.And just like before - no kisses,hugs or anything of that sort.Its like im having a roommate.And then out of nowhere he said he's thinking to buy an apartment,so i listened - cuz that was he wanted - a listener.On the next day he keep on talking about it and then he asked me for my opinion.And so i said that at his age is perfectly normal to have his own place and i doubt that he wants to rent a place for the rest of his life.As an answer i got this - he wasnt thinking only for himself,but for the two of us,cuz we gonna live together,even its not for whole life,even its just for 10 years.I actually got happy for like...an hour?Then my mind clicked and i started to think - what kind of bullshit is
this?Because in the end he doesnt want to live with me,he just want to live with someone.I came to conclusion he's just scared to be alone.
Im trying really hard no to think about the fact he doesnt love me,but sometimes its just doesnt work...and so i get depressed.Im also hiding from him when i start crying - i dont want him to see me like that.Naturally that will cause river of question when im definitely not in the mood to explain.I was thinking i will recover in 2-3 days,but i didnt.After a week i thought i should get away or i'll never get better.And once again i followed my family advise - to talk. I told him he just cant imagine how i feel, being there with him for months, knowing that he doesnt love me at all.And that single thought is drilled into my mind. He tried to explain me that maybe all of this happen,because we missed that period of flirting, getting to know someone,go on dates etc.We just started to live together.Also that he does love me and that he wont discuss serious things with me and ask me for opinion - like getting apartment,if i wasnt important.
The main problem is that after all that happen i just cant trust what he says.No matter how much we talk about it i still wont believe he love me and he will keep trying to convince in the opposite.
No matter what i choose i'll fell miserable.If i leave him - i'll lost the man i love,if i stay i'll suffer because he doesnt love me.So whats the painless,easy way to solve this?A solution that will be good for all?
I really need professional advice.
Thank you beforehand.
You need to give him a break and let him figure out what he actually wants out of this relationship. So, better leave him alone for some period of time atleast. Before leaving talk to him, tell him about your expectations from this relationship. Tell him that you expected intimacy in this relationship. But before telling about your expectations, ask him about his expectations, so that he doesn't changes his words after knowing your thoughts.
Lastly, if you find out that you both have different expectations and you both are not getting the same, there is no point continuing. But, if you still want to give each other the chance, you both have to work on it after the break you both give to your relationship.
Take a break, know your ownself, be independent, know new people, learn from others experiences. And during all these if you get a chance to move on and find a better person, please go ahead, don't completely compromise with your happiness when you can have such a beautiful life.
Thank you for the reply
I already offered that option - to get separated for good or just for some time so we can both think this over.He refused...He just doesnt want to let me go.Everything i wrote here - he knows it,we talked about it and didnt get anywhere with that.About the expectations - i already asked him tha in one of our conversations and the answer was - dont have any.Maybe im super stupid because i dont know how to understand this.He's so pleased with the situation and me that he doesnt want anything else or he just dont have expectations because i dont exist in his life,plans,future etc...?
The things we want? I can talk only about myself - im old enough to want to have serious relationship,kids,family...
After all this months im not sure what he wants,besides the fact he want to live with someone.
Im open for suggestions
If you can't trust him, then you don't have a relationship with him...it's that simple. Trust is the very foundation for all successful relationships.
If you are not being respected in this relationship in any way, then move on and find someone who does respect you, someone you deserve who will treat as you expect to be treated. If this guy doesn't share your values and standards, then find someone who does.
While you stay with him you will only have the same predictability that you have now and you will further enable him to confuse and hurt you more so.
You have stated what you want and need - serious commitment, kids and family. Ask yourself if you will ever achieve it with this guy.
It's your choice and you don't have to be a slave to him and his expectations, regardless if you love him. Instead, be true to yourself.
Why do you stay with an emotionally unavailable man?
Well,my first and most important question was - i am even in a relationship? - and i got an answer on that.My family thinks that if im patient and persistent he'll come around.And i just have to love him and some day he'll return my feelings.And i see thats never gonna happen.
"Why do you stay with an emotionally unavailable man?" - i never asked myself that question and honestly i dont know.Maybe i was hoping something will change...