Struggling with regret
This is very hard to talk about, in fact I've never talked about it to anyone outside of the issue ever. I am getting married soon. In four days. I've been with her for six and a half years, and we've certainly have had our ups and downs. She loves me with all of her heart and I love her. However, four years ago I met another woman who took my breath away. I cheated on my current fiancé with this other woman all those years ago and had a second life with her for almost two years. I frustrated my mistress, I was afraid to leave my girlfriend, so i decided to cut it off and tell my girlfriend about it, and we worked past it. It was a period of weakness and we both have put it behind us., and I haven't talked to the other woman in two or so years. My problem is I still think about that other woman. I still wonder what my life would be like with her. But I am ashamed of myself for what I did. I caused both of them so much pain. How do I move past this regret? How do I forget about the other woman? I want to be a good husband, but the closer this wedding gets the more I struggle with my actions in the past. Please help. I love my soon to be wife, but I think I still love this other woman too..I just want to move on.
I think you will never stop thinking about that one experience outside (forbidden fruit is the sweetest), no matter where you go or what you do, you will always fantasize about that one. So you cannot remove the regret but you can come in terms with it. You have to accept that you did it, and loved the experience. After accepting that you did it, then you have to forgive yourself and let it go.....you have to release the feeling and imagine no problem not as a problem but as something you have never forgotten.
Also do not tell your fiancee anything about that experience....you will not do any crime if you keep it silent and out of the relationship. it is not a must for you to tell your fiancee anything, no matter how you feel. DO NOT SELF DESTRUCT.
Shouldn't that have read, 'She loves me with all of her heart and I love her with all of my heart'?
Afraid to leave her, WHY? Fear is no basis for a marriage. Desire should be the predominant glue.
Did your fiancee ever 'take your breath away'?
You can't *make* yourself forget about the OW. Only true regret and resolve over having chosen to be with the right life partner could.
I think you should postpone the wedding and seek counselling over your conflict - of interests, by the sounds of it (on paper credentials versus feelings, is it?). That woman you're engaged to deserves a man who is *100%* sure she's the one for him, and the ONLY one, enough to last 'til death, don't you think?
Me, I see it that your 'feet' were trying to tell you something and still are. Whether that something is, she's not your be all and end all or you're not ready for that level of commitment with anyone just yet, it wouldn't be fair to either of you to force it.
If you need convincing then take a look again at what spoke loudest to me in all that (i.e. not just what you said but what you FAILED to say despite warranted):
"She loves me with all of her heart and I love her".
You force something and, sure as eggs is eggs, it'll one day come back to bite you on the bum.
Hope that helps.
Ethan - there are girls that you MARRY and there are girls that you have affairs with.
Decide which one you want.
Don't marry unless you REALLY are ready.
Perhaps you need to be single for a while to sort out these conflicting feelings.