Infidelity with prostitutes
I married my first bf after dating for 5 yrs and have been married 11 yrs. we have a 2 yr old kid. 1 mo ago I discovered he has been visiting escorts on TNAboard from april and has been with at least 6 of them. I noticed him being distant for several mo and finally checked his cell one nite and thus discovered all the PMs he sent to those escorts. It has been difficult to get a confession out of him but finally he admitted all. His xcuse is he was planning to separate his sex life as escort services seemed easy to him and he got uninterrupted sex with no kid waking up and crying in the middle of it. I am currently staying at my parents. He is constantly saying he is sorry, he is not a bad person in general , it was a momentary slip and for the sake of our 11yrs of relationship and our kid I should give him a second chance, my parents are pressing the same stuff. But I am stuck at the point why would someone do this to a person he claims to love, how could he do this after facing so many crises of life together. Can sex with an escort be worth of risking everything even health? We had regular sex maybe sometimes it got disrupted cause of having a young kid but that means he could go on outside fulfilling his desire and spending thousands of dollars whereas I even hesitate to buy toys for the kid thinking of financial condition? I really dont knw what to do, i am scared being all alone with my kid but I cant let him get away with it either. What to do?
Has he STOPPED this behavior? If not, then you need to decide if you can live like this.
Kids bothering sex life? Get a room for the nite, get a babysitter, farm the kid off to relatives, - do whatever you have to do to have some privacy with your man.
His behavior is unacceptable, but on the other hand, you need to work on having an adult relationship with him, without kids, once in a while. Have a "date nite" with him once in a while.
You have every right to feel hurt, upset and beyrayed BUT I would give him another chance if I were you. We ALL make mistakes and yes, he has made a terrible mistake but if he can learn from it and NEVER do it again then I think you both can salvage the relationship.
It will take a very long time for you to get over the hurt you are going through right now but if you do choose to forgive him, it will get easier. You both have too many years together to just throw it all away.
Warning: the following contains scenes of a sarcastic nature.
"I married my first bf after dating for 5 yrs and have been married 11 yrs."
"we have a 2 yr old kid."
"1 mo ago I discovered he has been visiting escorts on TNAboard from april"
April, May, June, July, August. 5 whole months.
"and has been with at least 6 of them."
One, two, three, four, five, SIX WOMEN. How many times EACH?
"I noticed him being distant for several mo"
I imagine you did, yes.
"and finally checked his cell one nite"
Good for you!
"and thus discovered all the PMs he sent to those escorts."
So not just sexual affairs, then - emotional, too!
"It has been difficult to get a confession out of him but finally he admitted all."
How big of him [rolls eyes].
Lies UPON lies, then.
"His xcuse is he was planning to separate his sex life as escort services seemed easy to him and he got uninterrupted sex with no kid waking up and crying in the middle of it."
I take it s/he's his kid, too? Yet not the hardship involved in raising it? Apparently not. Apparently, that's for you to suffer and bear the, thanks to him, inordinate consequences of.
How inconsiderate of him not to have suggested *you* seek sex with escorts as well; how greedy of him! I expect you'd have liked that, wouldn't you. I expect we ALL would!
"I am currently staying at my parents."
"He is constantly saying he is sorry, he is not a bad person in general , it was a momentary slip and for the sake of our 11yrs of relationship and our kid I should give him a second chance, my parents are pressing the same stuff."
1. Define, in the context of an emotions-based relationship, 'bad person'.
2. I rather think a relationship-based crime of that magnitude is the sort one tends to be sorry about PRIOR to committal. It's called DETERRENT plus finding the thought totally abhorrent on so many levels for so many reasons, thereby *NOT* COMMITTING IT.
2. Leaving aside your own, was he thinking about your kid's present and future welfare when he was having affairs (albeit paid-for ones) with those 6 women behind your back for those 5 long months? No? How queer.
3. Nigh-on half a year (one quarter of your child's lifespan) is not 'momentary'.
4. Are your parents going to accompany you 24/7 on life's journey, live with and sleep with you night after night, provide financially and practically for you, spend every single event, occasion and holiday with you, give you verbal, physical and sexual affection, etc. et al until death, are they? No? Then what they think and feel, frankly, means diddly squat.
"But I am stuck at the point why would someone do this to a person he claims to love, how could he do this after facing so many crises of life together."
Yes, why/how - excellent questions. Think about what your own attitudes or ongoing state of mind would have to be for YOU to ever behave like that, and there's your answer.
Not a pretty or self-flattering answer, is it.
"Can sex with an escort be worth risking everything even health?"
The marriage, the relationship itself, your child's optimum childhood experience, your happiness, presumably his happiness, and everyone else whom those ever-widening impact circles tend to reach, you mean? I think you'll find most healthy-minded individuals would say not. SO WHY DID HE? Is he finding adulthood and fatherhood not as much fun or as much of a doddle as he first assumed?
"We had regular sex maybe sometimes it got disrupted cause of having a young kid but that means he could go on outside fulfilling his desire and spending thousands of dollars whereas I even hesitate to buy toys for the kid thinking of financial condition?"
Refer to above answer.
"I really dont knw what to do,"
Oh, yes, you do. You're halway doing it already.
"i am scared being all alone with my kid"
THERE IT IS!!!!!
Scared why? What precisely are you scared of?
I do know (because I've been there, bought the t-shirt, wrung and ripped the t-shirt to shreds, and then done a happy-happy victory dance around it's smouldering corpse. But I want to hear you say it/them out-loud.
(Promise I'll rein in my sarcasm (aimed at him, btw) next time, but, really...it had to be done, I'm sure you'll agree.)
PS: We don't give forgiveness. It has to be sincerely asked of us - with demonstrable basis. If not/otherwise, it's called merely Acceptance.
PPS: ""His xcuse is he was planning to separate his sex life as escort services seemed easy to him and he got uninterrupted sex with no kid waking up and crying in the middle of it.""
It's called, suggesting he take ***you, HIS SOLE LOVER*** away for the weekend or night to a hotel including paying for babysitting since he's the big spender. How strange this bleedin' obvious solution to coitus interruptus didn't occur to him *before* the idea of doing so with strangers.
Also, you are not the one doing any throwing or not throwing, least of all this relationship away. He already did that himself the first time. And then again, the second. And then again, the third.... And then again, the fourth. (Getting the picture yet?) 'Excuses' is right.
Furthermore, there's mistakes and then there is repeatedly pressing the little red button as sets off nuclear missiles. (Couldn't even be bothered to hide the cell-based evidence, huh?)
It's also not up to you to get over anything, it's up to him to make things right until anything that warranted getting over got cancelled out and/or paled into insignificance. But how *does* one make that degree of transgression right?
(I think that's everything? Over to you...)
Perhaps if it was one woman, you could forgive him. Maybe even two, in that span of time. You could probably forgive him if his excuse was the same. Those are the kinds of mistakes people make. Sleeping with SIX different women, all of them PROSTITUTES in the span of five months is irreversible.
Right now the least of your worries is whether you can forgive him. The highest thing on your priority list should be whether you want to continue raising your child in a home that condones casual sex with women of that profession, where you will always resent him and he will always want a quick, uninterrupted fuck with somebody else.
Now, stop and think about yourself for a second. Are you EVER going to forget this happened? Are you ever going to be able to be intimate with him again, if you're going to be imagining him on top of six other somebodies?
Hell, I could forgive one mistake with a woman from work, or a friend, or a random woman at the bar. I could never forgive six prostitutes.
Truly excellent points, Megan09 (if you don't mind my saying).
Here - re 'mistake': perhaps he merely tripped and fell on top of them repeatedly, one after the other, during a drunken pub crawl?
(Oopth, Dewdrops...said I'd rein in the sarcasm, didn't I. Sorry.)
Dewdrops, I do hope you have found some comfort in whichever decision you decided to take. If you did decide to take him back, I think that was a very brave move. We ALL make mistakes, just remember that.
Just to clarify, I was talking about the 'mistakes' your husband made.
I have not taken any decision yet, I am finding it completely irrational to forgive him and accept him but at the same time I still love him as much as I used to. Its gona be a very difficult decision to take and no matter what happens the life I had is ruined and things are never gona be same again. I just wished he had thought about the consequences before acting out so selfishly and now the more I think about it , it seems like he is sick in some way. We did some counseling and the counselor told us he has sex addiction, so either way its gona be a very difficult road for me and my kid
No one said it would be easy. The moment you found out about the cheating your whole world must have crashed down.
Again, I still go by what I said. He made a mistake, albeit 1 prostitute or 50, that is still classed as a mistake. He did not get caught so he thought he could get away with it. At the time, he did not think of you (clearly shows) but what counts now is how his behaviour is towards you now. Do his actions show he is sorry, does he have pain in his eyes, is he grovelling.
If he does cheat on you again then yes, you would be crazy to even entertain the thought of taking him back but sometimes, in marriage, we do take things for granted, we take each other for granted and sometimes it takes a real wake up call (husband getting caught cheating) to make us see what we really have and what we dont want to lose and maybe that is what your husband needed.
It will take you along time to forgive let alone forget but, if his actions now show that he is genuinly sorry for what he did,then in my opinion that is a promising start.
Wish you all the luck.
Dewdrops, what's the latest?
I still taking time to absorb all these. I do understand what you all are saying, I am a person with a strict sense of wright and wrong, who thinks trust and loyalty is the primary focus of a relationship. I was sure in this kind of situation my only response would be to end it immediately. But surprisingly when I am actually in the situation I am acting differently. The one thing thats making all the difference is that I still love him, yes, I am madly in love with him. I hate him for doing this to me and our kid, I want to take revenge and all but I love him. We even had sex couple of times after this, I am not sure whether I was in a stable mind then, but it was great. You can tell how much I am torn between love and the rational thing to do.
If those are your core moral settings then you would do well to ensure your choice of forever-after partner matches them. Otherwise, you're never going to be capable of being your true self or true TO yourself (which blocks happiness). So if that is how you feel, then, that is how you feel and is your right to.
"I was sure in this kind of situation my only response would be to end it immediately. But surprisingly when I am actually in the situation I am acting differently. The one thing thats making all the difference is that I still love him, yes, I am madly in love with him. I hate him for doing this to me and our kid, I want to take revenge and all but I love him. We even had sex couple of times after this, I am not sure whether I was in a stable mind then, but it was great. You can tell how much I am torn between love and the rational thing to do."
FYI, the majority of betrayees act differently at first. Emphasis on at first.
Maybe it's not your love for him that's forcing you to compromise your values? Maybe the truth is it's your CHILD'S PRESENT AND FUTURE WELFARE you're trying to protect - by not being the one to cut short his optimal, 2.4 rearing environment? If so then you'll be trying to use your motherly movitations to augment your inadequate romantic and self-survivalist motivation to stay, just under your own radar given that self-exposure would ruin the efficacy of the self-delusional exercise.
Well, the so-called optimum does not include AT ALL COSTS. And again, you're not the one who's jeopardised your child's orthodox childhood. I say orthodox instead of normal because these days coming from a single-parented family through divorce is better tolerated and accommodated. Some take advantage of this fairer attitude by quitting without sufficiently justifiable grounds, granted. But that's not the majority's case, nor certainly yours. You have more basis than the average.
With kids being sponges who depend on their main carer to teach by example over any mere instruction how to think and feel in any given situation - what first and foremost dictates whether a child will grow up happy, healthy, intelligent (as in able to apply its intelligence) and well-rounded is whether its mother is.
So what I'm saying here, is this: Whichever decision you ultimately land on has to be WHOLEHEARTEDLY EMBRACED. If anywhere inside you you suspect this major blot on the marital landscape is going to keep coming back to haunt you (especially whenever you're laid low through illness or hormonal fluctuations or any repeat unfairnesses), then by staying all you're doing is delaying the inevitable, making the whole experience far more painful and difficult than it need be, as well as lengthening your road back to recovery - FOR YOURSELF *AND* YOUR LITTLE PASSENGER.
So fine, take your time to establish whether whichever decision you're swinging more towards is indeed a legitimately pure one... that it represents you being true to yourself regardless of any other considerations including mere practicalities. But do not under-estimate core moral values settings both intrinsic and conditioned-in since birth. Trying to get your short-term wants and needs over their long-term ones is like trying to nail jelly to the ceiling.
You're not programmed to live long-term comfortably with this level of insult. Only serious remedial i.e. CANCELLING-OUT action can overcome the programme.
Better sex is fine as an elastoplast over a mere scratch. But this is arterial bleeding we're talking about. Watch that elastoplast fall off, drenched and useless, in however many days or weeks.
SO WHERE IS THE ANAESTHETIC, SURGERY, STICHES AND BANDAGE? And who is taking responsibility as the operating surgeon?