My boyfriends female friend
I know that I sound like a bad girlfriend but I can't help it. I am fine with my boyfriend having female friends all of my friends are guys. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half and it been great. We have overcame a lot in our relationship and it always made us stronger. The only reoccurring argument we that has not been solved is his one female friend. She lives in another state and they have never met in person. They have been friends for year and care about each other. When I first started dating him I was fine with her (I mean I didn't like that they talked everyday and when he would go to work he would text her the whole time he was working but never sent me a text or a text back). For months I asked if I could met her so I felt better and was okay with the relationship. He just ignored me and said "okay sometime". I found out that he was telling her stuff about our relationship that made me uncomfortable. He told her in detail about us having sex, he told her about my anxiety and depression (stuff I told him in confidence). It got to the point where I wasn't happy about it (about 8 month in our relationship). He would tell her how he was feeling but never me, he started telling her about all of our fights. So in his eyes she was perfect which bothered me (he told me that she is great and there is nothing wrong with her). So he decided that he was going to talk to her in secret and was erasing message (he told me he wasn't talking to her). When i woke up one morning and checked the time she had sent him a message about how much of a child I am. So after trying for so long I told him i am not that type of person to say you have to choose but it was affect our relationship and how I felt about myself he choose her. Then decided that no he will choose me. He just kept doing what he was doing before and deleting messages. A few months ago he really understood I showed him picture and explained to him how i felt he really understood. So he stopped talking to her then we got into a fight a week ago and he started back up.
I don't know what to do, I let him decided and he want to be able to talk to her. I have (PTSD) and it causes a lot of stress on me. I feel really bad that he want her in our lives after all of this. I know I sound like a bad girlfriend and really I have no problems with any of his other female friends I have met them and they are really pretty and nice ( i really like them). I haven't felt this bad in a very long time my self-esteem is so far down
we also live together
It sounds like your BF tells her things that concern him. I wonder if you would be upset if he told a male friends all this.
Since she is not living near him and they have never met, consider her a "cookie person" where he can unload his problems onto her.
As long as the conversation isn't getting romantic, then just disregard it. The less attention you pay to it, the better.
I would not be happy if my partner was speaking to another woman on a regular basis about OUR relationship.
You have voiced your concerns to him but he clearly has not listened to you. The only option you have is to give him an ultimatum but then again, that could backfire.
Maybe you should start speaking to a male friend on regular basis and see how your bf reacts to it. If he tells you he is not happy with it then you can then tell him how you were not happy with him speaking to this other girl. He may just begin to see it from your point of view and may just stop contact.
In your situation you need to think, 'if you cant beat them, you may aswell just join them'.
A bad gf is not what you sound like. One lacking however much in strength, self-confidence and -value is what you sound like. Why aren't you sticking up for yourself more? Don't know what to do or DON'T DARE TO?
Short term pain and hard graft for long term gain and an easy life is far preferable than vice-versa.
So what if they've never met? They're meeting mentally and emotionally - and far more often than he is with you by the sounds of it.
Here are the facts: Ones primary relationship is...well, the clue lays in the title: PRIMARY! It means, wherever possible, reasonable and do-able, it should come first and foremost ahead of all other types of adult relationships. Obviously you're supposed to be mutually committed and exclusive because you've been together for a full year and a half AND have been cohabiting (marriage merely without the paper).
Committed and exclusive includes for all emotional discussion about or connected to and which drives or has any impact on that relationship getting conducted solely between its two players with all relationship-related rights and privileges belonging EXCLUSIVELY to same. Only if one partner is repeatedly, unjustifiably, point-blank refusing to discuss something is it then excusable to seek a third party's input.
Your boyfriend is emotionally cheating on you at the thinner end of the infidelity wedge by denying you a portion of your rights and privileges and giving them to another woman without your prior and ongoing consent. Your boyfriend is refusing to remedy a situation which is not only universally regarded by healthy, mature, self-assured women as totally unacceptable but which you've made CRYSTAL CLEAR upsets and disturbs you greatly (and why wouldn't it!). His role is supposed to entail nurturing and protecting you, to SHIELD you from unnecessary, avoidable upset, not damn well bl**dy-mindedly create it. Plus he should deem your wellbeing and feelings as far more important than hers or any alleged mere friend's, and equal at least to his own. Your boyfriend is repeatedly trying to deceive and dupe you...
I don't care if he happens to be super good-looking or amazing in bed or superficially good fun and interesting, or-or-or... This is not the small stuff we're talking about here, it's the BIG stuff, the fundaments. Using all the components of said fundaments as qualifiers, lately YOUR BOYFRIEND IS PANTS!
Sorry, but this makes me very angry (and that's actually very hard to do). I only wish it did you!
Frankly, if any ultimatum did backfire then I would regard that backfiring as proof there had never been anything much to lose in the first place, ergo less a backfiring and more a much-needed liberation from a totally one-sided set-up with a spoiled baby, roughshod rider who thinks he can have his cake and eat it and s*d how you feel about it, as will leave you available to keep searching for a relationship that provides all the up-sides you're currently getting WITHOUT such huge down-sides into the bargain.
WHY does he think he can have his cake and eat it? Because you've for too long let him? Cease letting him. Show him you mean business and that if he doesn't behave like a long-term partner is *supposed* to towards his one & only, he can collect his damn cards!
Saying all of that, however, what with you admitting in your very first sentence that ALL of your friends are guys, I can't help but wonder whether, even if totally innocent and platonic on your part, this is his way of levelling the playing field and giving *you* a taste of own medicine? After all, *you* may regard these men are true friends, but - here's the rub: he knows what a lot of men can be like on that score and how 9 times out of 10 there's some agenda somewhere on their part. Have your guy friends always posed as a threat to him despite he might not actually have said so above the table? Are his actions all geared toward saying so??
Unless you likewise are behaving in the same or similar ways towards one of your male friends, or possibly letting one of them get away with crossing or even just blurring a line with you, your bf is going about things in completely the wrong way because, ultimately, all he's achieving is nothing but bit-by-bit kicking the love out of you, meaning it's just a matter of time before it goes comatose or falls down dead (even against your own will and control). You may be too tired to make a proper stand just now, but that won't last; your recovery and re-strengthening will be happening as we speak.
Here's one of life's truths for you: the partner who struggles/acts-out/causes problems in the relationship is usually the one who is most needful and at root insecure about it. Note I didn't say, who REACTS most. I'm talking, whomever starts it.
So... Is he the actor or, in fact, the reactor? COULD he, even if only in his own mind, claim he was at all justified? If not - summon all your strength to put your foot down. People treat you as well or as badly as you let them, berbom. Merely flapping your lips, by the way, comes under 'letting them'. Actions, on the other hand, tend to get understood instantly and in no uncertain terms.
I repeat: You do have to be squeaky clean on that score yourself, however, before you do so.
The other clue as to what he's really up to is in the fact that he re-ignited his contact with her the minute you and he had fought. I suspect he's worked out that as well as keeping you focused more firmly on him than you otherwise might, the control this woman affords him over you goes further.
It's too late to ignore it, and why should you anyway? It's not up to you to look the other way when someone's behaving atrociously. After all, would anyone ignore it if someone were poking their baby in the eye? Course not. We'd all be down on them instantly like a ton of bricks. Well, she may not be to-hand, but you're *your mother's* baby, aren't you? What do you think *she'd* have to say to him about all of this? So, again, assuming you're qualified to cast that first stone? - GO FOR IT!
If not, if you're too emotionally worn down because of your PTSD then you obviously shouldn't be trying to take on such a high-maintenance partner and quite possibly should take a 'mancation' until you're back to full strength and nipping all bad behaviour in the bud.
Hope that helps.