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Mid life crisis or over please help

Posted by
VICKP
on Sep 3 2014 at 10:44
Member since: 03 September 2014
Relationship advice I will try and keep it brief, my partner and i have been together for 3 blissfull years, he's 51 i'm 50, both been married before, i have a son 17, i have 2 part time jobs on minimum wage, we have been happy all the time, never a fall out, the first year was tough to as my partner lost his job and we just lived on my wages but we were happy, then he got a job working long shifts which was stressful so 4 months ago he changed jobs, loves his job but it's far less money so we havn't been going out, a few weeks ago the lads from work invited him out on a night out, he went, said it was ok, then every week since then has been going out more and more, one night staying at his mates all night and came home the morning of his birthday, i wasn't happy and we rowed, i asked what was wrong, i had to push for an answer and he eventually said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore, he feels trapped and wants more freedom, i said so are we still partners or just friends, he said he doesn't know, he said he will stay as long as i want him to as he knows if he leaves i can't pay the mortgage, bills on my wages,i cried all night and eventually he told me there is someone at work he likes and he has taken her out for a drink, swears nothing more, which is why he so confused, he has promised not to see her as long as he is here and doesn't know even if he wants to see her again, i am trying to put a brave face on but i feel like i have been hit by a train, i love him to bits, i am so angry i want to scream and shout, he obviously doesn't care anymore, how do i keep it together and smile. is he having a mid life crisis ? he says he is confused and doesn't know what he wants, in the meantime i am hurting bad and my future does not look good, i have no idea where i will end up living, i cannot afford to stay here if he goes. This all happened a couple of months ago and now he is still here, last week he said he thinks it's over and would move into the spare room, but he is still in our bed, we are still sleeping together, he cuddles me all night long, he has started to show me his messages to prove where he is going, and now i'm even more confused, anyone out there please help me.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Sep 3 2014 at 12:13
Member since: 27 December 2013
He doesn't know what he wants. That's not fair to you. His excuse that he is "confused" is just a ploy to do what he wants and test out the waters as a "free" man. He wants his cake and eat it too.

Either ride this out, since you think it's a mid-life crisis - or get out now.

You need to start getting yourself ready to support yourself. Your son will be gone soon and that's leave just you. Great time to set yourself up in a small apartment. go back to school, get new friends, do some of those things that you have always wanted to do.

I don't know how you can "love him to bits" and be so angry at him at the same time. He is not acting like he is in any kind of committed relationship.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 4 2014 at 02:23
Member since: 19 August 2014
VICKP,

I feel for you, I really do.

There wasn't any 'mate'. It was this woman. And yes, they've had sex...including on the eve of his birthday. I recognised in 2 seconds flat all the characteristic hallmarks of cheater behaviour long before I got to the part where you revealed it.

I can't tell over the ether whether he's genuinely endeavouring to be transparent, now, in showing you his messages through genuine sense of contrition and desire to save your marriage, or whether it's all a ruse to lull you back into a false sense of security and he's simply deleted any damning evidence beforehand.

It would *seem* at first glance to be the former, given that he's upped his bedroom attention. Because, you see, if affections have gotten transferred from wife to mistress already, the cheater tends to avoid having sex with his wife - in order to avoid feeling as if he's now cheating on his new love. But sometimes the cheater will go the other way entirely. Usually, the latter tends to be the type who feels he has too much to lose financially and practically should things end in divorce, thus needs to keep you from believing it's (romantically) over.

...But *you* know. Somewhere inside you, you know the truth on that score. So you tell *me*. Is he genuinely trying to make amends or playing you like a fool in order to have his cake and eat it (you at home, mistress permanently on the side) as Susie suggests?

You spilled a clue, you realise? Think about it: you'd think these increasing, seemingly reassuring remedial actions of his would be working to calm you down, wouldn't you? Yet all they're achieving is to CONFUSE you. Incongruous with all the less or non consciously-noticable clues, are they?...is THAT why you're confused? Or is it more that you've sensed this was no precursor-to-leaving-you type of affair and more an attention-seeking type which achieves into the bargain you becoming cowed into walking non-assertively on eggshells as he gets his own way a lot more?

You're probably nowhere near ready to start taking any meaty actions yet. Plus, you having been in the dark, unaware of his own change in feelings, need more time for your own feelings to catch up (hence you love AND hate him at the moment). BUT KNOW THIS: You won't HAVE to pay the mortgage and bills if you separate or divorce.

If you separate, you can, via a solicitor, get Interim Maintenance (spousal and child), which either stays the same or increases upon divorce. In which case, I'm really not very heartened by his attempt to cow you by manipulating such ignorance-based financial fears of yours, I must say. Did he say this only initially or again any time since?

Again - your future does NOT "not look good". Au contraire! If you choose to divorce him you will end up living in an abode that's ALL YOURS, that's where (which you'll be very glad of considering any place that was haunted by memories would impede your recovery), with a monthly settlement that near-as-damnit (through the courts' best efforts) matches the lifestyle to which you'd been accustomed.

He may well be having a mid-life crisis. But so did Ghandi and no-one saw HIM deal with it by cheating on his wife, did they. Don't blame MLC. All it does is exacerbate/magnify any pre-existing nature in the individual, all depending on where on the scale between altruistic and selfish they predominantly laid. Ergo, a moveover selfish person will become downright mercenary.

(Tell me about all the things about him that used to irk or downright upset and disturb you prior to this episode.)

Again, you're the one closest to the situation as contains all the truth-based clues. So what do you think?

Stay or leave, what is paramount if you don't want to be kicking yourself in however many months/years from now, is that you have a sit-down chat with a solicitor (free of charge, no-obligation consultation) to put paid to all those fears of yours so that you can deal with the current issues and confusions with a clear head.

But one step at a time, first thing's first... If I put a gun to your head and said you had literally 5 seconds to call what you most want right now - stay, grit your teeth and try to fix or separation (booting him out) in order to give you breathing and thinking space (with or without a view to divorcing), which would you choose? Close your eyes right now and imagine it happening in real time, cold metal barrel pressed hard in your temple: "FIVE!...FOUR!....THREE!...TWO!...ONE!!!...".

Which was it?

PS: Is your son still in higher education?

PPS: Far less wage? Do you know that for a FACT or is that merely what he told you?

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 4 2014 at 09:49
Member since: 03 September 2014
Thank you so much for the reply,

we are not married just partners,but he pays all the bills and mortgage, i only earn £100 a week part time min wage, the house is owned by myself and my ex husband it would have to be sold as i can\\\'t afford £450 a month, i see his payslips i know how much he gets, my son has another year left at college, he knows i can\\\'t take much more before i throw him out,prior to this episode we had never fallen out or had a cross world in 3 years, he still says i am the best thing that has ever happened to him and what he is going through now is harder than when the left his wife and daughter and he worships his daughter. the gun and five seconds i would grit my teeth as i am doing now, i just want to wake up and find its been a bad nightmare.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 5 2014 at 08:24
Member since: 03 September 2014
i woke up this morning feeling so depressed, he has been out 3 nights on the trot, once for softball, once to to take his daughter to see his son (from his 1st marriage) who he hasn't seen for months , then last night his son rang and needs some plumbing help he had water leaking and he went off with his tools, i stupidly got angry and said that's a coincidence isn't it not heard from him for months then 2 nights on the trot, he got angry with me for not trusting him !!! now i am so depressed and annoyed with myself i should of pretended i didn't care, but i do and i so worried he will also go out tonight or tomorrow night and i don't know how much more i can take, i said it seems like you don't even want to be in the same room as me, and he snapped back well were still in the same bed aren't we.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Sep 5 2014 at 13:18
Member since: 27 December 2013
I really can't see how these 3 nites makes for cheating but you are feeling neglected, so there is a problem.

Are your needs too high?

Is he being distant and playing games?

According to your first post

He feels trapped, financially.

He is going out more and more by himself

He is no longer in love with you.

He has seen someone else.

He doesn't know what he wants.

You have no career and little financial resources. You have not taken care of YOURSELF that way and have become dependent on him. He resents this but is obligated to you.

See a lawyer/solicitor right away to see if you have any rights or property claims from the last 3 years. You and your son are going to have to figure out how to survive and pay the mortgage. It really sounds like this BF is about ready to bolt.

Sorry, but you MUST see this situation clearly and prepare yourself for the future.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 6 2014 at 00:49
Member since: 19 August 2014
(Suzie, as I understood it, he'd been socialising without VICKP for the last 'few weeks', not just these last 3 days. And considering he's now admitted he's been seeing a woman from work, it's pretty safe to assume it had to have been on these same said "lads" nights. But, irrespective, we definitely agree she needs that legal consultation toute suite.)

So sorry for the delay in getting back to you, VICKP - I've been poorly.

"we are not married just partners,but he pays all the bills and mortgage, i only earn £100 a week part time min wage, the house is owned by myself and my ex husband it would have to be sold as i can\'t afford £450 a month, i see his payslips i know how much he gets, my son has another year left at college, he knows i can\'t take much more before i throw him out,prior to this episode we had never fallen out or had a cross world in 3 years, he still says i am the best thing that has ever happened to him and what he is going through now is harder than when the left his wife and daughter and he worships his daughter. the gun and five seconds i would grit my teeth as i am doing now, i just want to wake up and find its been a bad nightmare."

1. Clearly, deeper down, your principles mean even more to you than your future financial status so, good on you for that!

2. With not being legally married and not sharing a child, your options are probably: [a] You're going to have to sell the house; [b] take in a lodger if possible; [c] ask your employer for full-time/find another job; [d] apply to your local Job Centre for Income Support; [e] see if you can forgive him and live with this blot on your landscape (assuming, that is, he's prepared to *show* you he's in it to win it, not just say all the things he thinks you want and need to hear?). Or (non-liberal mindeds look away now) [f] agree to an open marriage and take your own lover on the side.

F isn't ideal or possibly even do-able, but it's still important for you to know you have quite a few options.

Re gritting your teeth/his forgiveness: "says i am the best thing that has ever happened to him and what he is going through now is harder than when the left his wife and daughter and he worships his daughter."

Yeah, yeah, blah-blah-blah, he SAYS... We can all "say", can't we, but that doesn't mean we're prepared to back it up with firm action. So what I want to know is, what things has he told you (at his own instigation) he intends to do in order to persuade you not to call it quits and boot him out? Is he intending to be totally transparent from now on, including being home at whatever time ON THE DOT, having told her it's over in front of you, etc? And what about the problem of her being there in front of his nose every day at the office? What sorts of things is he proposing or promising?

You're not going to wake up and find this has all been a nightmare. As Susie says, you're going to have to deal with this because it's choosing to deal with you anyway. But you're in the Shock and Denial stages of grief at the moment so...take your time.

Why, by the way, did he leave his wife and daughter?

"i woke up this morning feeling so depressed, he has been out 3 nights on the trot, once for softball, once to to take his daughter to see his son (from his 1st marriage) who he hasn't seen for months , then last night his son rang and needs some plumbing help he had water leaking and he went off with his tools, i stupidly got angry and said that's a coincidence isn't it not heard from him for months then 2 nights on the trot, he got angry with me for not trusting him !!! now i am so depressed and annoyed with myself i should of pretended i didn't care, but i do and i so worried he will also go out tonight or tomorrow night and i don't know how much more i can take, i said it seems like you don't even want to be in the same room as me, and he snapped back well were still in the same bed aren't we."

Yeah? Well you can tell him *I* don't trust him and these latest oh-so-convenient coincidences and fortuitously-timed opportunities, either, and neither am *I* stupid. Does he think you came down in the last shower?!

No, you *shouldn't* have pretended you don't care! It's not for you to accommodate and enable his anti-marital behaviour! A man who's gravely concerned that he's "this close" to losing his relationship because he's by his own admission been having some sort of affair, does *not* accept invitations to start going here, there and everywhere, given that only a FOOL wouldn't be able to work out that the cuckolded wife is going to be worrying sick whether these outings are truly legitimate and innocent! How DARE he act so (at the least) grossly unkind and insensitive and then get angry when you understandably react they way his actions have just PRIMED YOU TO! He should be staying put right now out of concern and respect for your equilibrium!

Ugh. I'm sorry but I see no signs of contrition right now. Quite the opposite.

That gun I put to your temple? Do me a favour and take it off me and shoot your excuse for a partner, will you?

VICKP, please pick up the phone and call a solicitor for an appointment, and do it quick? It can't hurt anything (if you keep it quiet, I mean), but it can definitely help, ohhhh yes. I promise you you'll be *so* pleased and relieved you did.

How do you feel, having read the above options? Slightly more empowered?

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 6 2014 at 19:34
Member since: 03 September 2014
Soulmate, you are wonderful thank you so much, it means a lot and everyone else who has bothered to reply, susuiq my needs are not high, i am used to living with no money, infact when my partner first started living with me he lost his job and we lived ok on all my benefits which i no longer get, which is one reason why he wants to help now financially, we have had a good few days and he hasn't gone out, he commented today i don't know how calm you are being so my trying not to care attitude must be working, i am going to the council next week to see if there is a scheme where i can still live here and they help towards housing, the reason he feels trapped is because the house is tied to a 10 year deal where we pay half the mortgage and my ex husband does, he feels trapped because if for instance he got injured a work he doesn't get paid so we wouldn't be able to afford to pay our half of the mortgage, and that scares him as the reason he left his wife was because they drifted apart after 15 years and then he found out she had not been paying any bills for a long time or mortgage and running up huge credit card bills in his name falsely and he found them all one day and that was the final straw he walked out, and is still being chased for them now, i have been trying to find a full time job to make things easier financially but no success yet. i am keeping a very close eye on his movements and don't know what is going to happen, i am taking it day by day.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 8 2014 at 12:36
Member since: 19 August 2014
See, he's not making sense. On the one hand he has a go at you for NOT being calm (his 3 days out on the trot) and on the other he's remarking with an undertone of surprise and complaint now that you ARE being calm. You can't win, can you. And that shows me he's in two minds: one wants you not to react and the other not only wants a reaction but is encouraging it. Also, his actions are following through on *both* scores: (worryingly and inappropriately) out for a few days followed by in for a few days.

He's half in, half out. (There again, so are you right now.) This vacillating is going to persevere, I think.

Know this: an affair, no matter by what degree, is not a disease but merely a symptom of one. So what's the actual disease?

"the reason he feels trapped is because the house is tied to a 10 year deal where we pay half the mortgage and my ex husband does, he feels trapped because if for instance he got injured a work he doesn't get paid so we wouldn't be able to afford to pay our half of the mortgage, and that scares him as the reason he left his wife was because they drifted apart after 15 years and then he found out she had not been paying any bills for a long time or mortgage and running up huge credit card bills in his name falsely and he found them all one day and that was the final straw he walked out, and is still being chased for them now,"

BAGGAGE. Are you his ex-wife? No, you're not. So why would history repeat?

You're not materialistic, he is. Well, I'm scared is as I'm scared *does*, which is, for example: change your job to one where you do get sickness/injury pay; encourage your partner to sell her share of the house so that she and you can get one entirely of your own (and so that her ex-husband no longer has any connection or influence in that regard).

I now no longer believe there's some woman at work with whom he's having an affair as such. I now believe his statement that it was just one drink. Yet obviously it was enough to give him a sense of there being an escape exit door at hand in order to relieve the mental pressure. And, of course, the confession will have been enough to finally get you to sit up straight and pay attention (albeit it's typically blokie-risky).

Why can't you sell the house? And why is your ex-husband paying half the mortgage - was that a settlement stipulation? Shouldn't he just be paying that amount directly into your bank account rather than the mortgage company's?

Neither of you are over your last relationships, are you. I don't mean in terms of personal feelings towards the exes. I'm talking about letting that whole era itself and any residual issues/confusions go.

I think you two should make an appointment as a couple with a life coach, one with a definite psychotherapeutical background or similar experience to your own so that you not only get help with identifying and putting paid to all the issues and fears in play but also clear prescriptive directions and help with making lifestyle improvements firmly manifest.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 8 2014 at 13:06
Member since: 19 August 2014
...although, I probably shouldn't have said that (about just the one drink) because thanks to his uncharacteristic movements we have more basis for suspecting the opposite. So what I'll say instead is that no matter how many of those occasions were with her or genuinely "the lads", it looks as if it all came to nothing.

You'd know more than I do, or if you don't you certainly will, what with watching him like a hawk now.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 8 2014 at 13:37
Member since: 03 September 2014
Thank you soulmate, i am so grateful to you, the mortgage agreement is part of the divorce settlement, my partner pays it direct ot my ex's bank, we can sell the house as part of the agreement and any proceeeds would be split between me and my ex i don't think there would be anything from the sale of the house as it was in negative equity when we bought it.my ex agreed to the deal as our son lives with me and he wants to protect him obviously. i have offered to sell the house and move to rented to ease the pressure from my partner, this weeekend was better, we spent time in the garden cutting hedges, then went for lunch and shopping, had a good day, he did go out sat night and said see you later, he didn't come home, i text him at 3 in the morning and said what sort of a lowlife person would treat another human this way - half an hour later he was home, he was full of apologies, said he had a few drinks, went back to his mates had a coffee and fell asleep,came home as soon as he could, - if he had been with her he would not have come home would he ? ( i think i am maybe thinking he has only taken her for a drink) we had a good day sunday spent the day shopping, he went out tea time for a couple of hours to watch baseball, when he came home we had a chat and i said 2 weeks ago you wanted to go and you said there was nothing left, is that still the case, he said i really don't know i'm confused again now, and i am still here aren't i and in our bed. .... is this a sign of hope ? i was thinking of suggesting to him that he show willing and maybe one weekend he could see his mates and the following weekend we could go out together ?

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 10 2014 at 01:15
Member since: 19 August 2014
Don't be daft, missus - that's why I'm here - because I enjoy helping.

It struck me as strange at first, reading that, how the court ordered your husband to continue making the payments to your mortgage lender. But then I realised: they probably did you a favour because it'd be easy for him to default on payments made monthly to you, but not so a mortgage lender who have more might (and bailiff services) if ever he dared do that.

So, just to be straight on this: your bf pays his share of the household living expenses by taking care of the half mortgage payment? Well, the good news is this: irrespective of any sense of responsibility when in love, I really can't see any man continuing to do so after having fallen OUT of love with a woman and no longer seeing a future with her... *particularly* as he himself is never going to see any return on it. So that puts paid to any negative suspicions on that score, doesn't it: He *does* still love and want to continue his life with you, then (actions speak louder). So that's just yet more evidence towards my suspicion about this having been a 'ploy' (based on an overall benign truth) to get you to sit up and pay him more attention.

I also can't help but note your use of the word 'we'. So, yes, obviously things have taken a turn for the better. (Is that thanks to your offer to sell?)

Had you ended there, I'd have asked, was this all ultimately just your partner's ham-fisted way of trying to get you and he singing more from the same hymn sheet and having a trap door at the ready? But now, what with his staying out til the wee hours, I'm thinking this: He's hit the big 50...hasn't been having that much fun for quite a while (particularly at his job).. has felt it's been a case of all work and responsibilities and no play...then he's hit 51 (a reinforcing of the fact he's definitely trapped within the 50-60 bracket)...then he's started a new job with predominantly younger, probably single, men and had a sample of 'being younger' and more carefree...part and parcel of that has been this crowd of workmates chatting up women in pubs, including this particular female colleague... he'd taken her out for one drink AT THE POINT WHEN THE SH*T HIT THE FAN...but he can't stay away because of what she represents (his re-discovering his youth and lack of responsibility), PLUS she might not be taking no for an answer, you don't know...... going shopping and cutting hedges is more *your* idea of fun... hence, yes, I reckon he's been on another date with her and either slept with her, intending to return home, but fell asleep, possibly? Then you rang and it was, 'oops, sh*t!'...

...HENCE HE'S "CONFUSED" AGAIN. And hence I'm one minute sure he's cheating and reversing my decision the next. It's because that reflects the truth: one minute he's out with her and in with you and the next the opposite. Get what I'm saying?

What we should be focusing on, however, is the fact that it's the minute that you more or less RELAX that he's running off to see her again. This tells me that all he's doing is managing your emotions to calm you down sufficiently to where he believes he can then sneak off and get away with it. So again we're back to Susie's original suspicion of, him wanting his cake and eating it. He wants the best of BOTH worlds (in which case, of COURSE he'd still be here and in your bed, think about it..).

HE'S *HALF* CHEATING IS THE UPSHOT. That's a technicality, however. To you, it's just plain old cheating.

This means you're going to have to push him to decide - you and the life he knows and his built with you or her and freedom/re-living his youth without the responsibilities that a marital set-up demands (in which case, this colleague had better not make the mistake of deluding herself that she'll get any type of full-time, worthwhile relationship out of him, either... she'll be a bit on the side at most (emphasis on 'bit')).

"i was thinking of suggesting to him that he show willing and maybe one weekend he could see his mates and the following weekend we could go out together ?"

EN OH SPELLS NO. Weekends are for your spouse and family (which to all intents and purposes (and which he by his own mortgage-paying action agrees) you two are. If he wants the single life then he can BE SINGLE. Sure, even marrieds should be able to socialise separately sometimes. But NOT in that frequent & regular as clockwork fashion as every single weekend. And anyway, we have good reason to believe it's NOT his "mates" he wants to see, don't we, meaning if you agree to any such set-up then you're unwittingly agreeing to him continuing to cheat on you. With this issue still up in the air, he simply isn't entitled to start setting social-based stipulations, anyway.

There's no getting around this, VICKP, you're going to *have* to ask/ring around for a free consultation with a solicitor. Again, at this stage it's just for the positive mental effect and strength of conviction it'll give you (in order to in turn surreptitiously affect a change in discussions and his attitudes), so there's no need to see it as any kind of admission of failure or anything.

Until you do this, nothing much by the sounds of it is going to change.

We clear?

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 10 2014 at 08:12
Member since: 03 September 2014
Hi Soulmate, thank you once again, everything you say makes sense, you can see why i am so confused, the hitting 51 bit i am sure that's what is happening and yes they are younger and mostly single men, my partner is not a going out and drinking person he is a home bird, but yes he has had a taste of this new life and seems to want more,i think this 'attention' from this woman turned his head,he still swears it was only a drink and he has not seen her since, but only he knows the truth,that's what is so painful, he has in the past run away from things when he can't handle them, so i am surprised he is still here, since the weekend he has been more 'willing' he went to see his daughter last night for a couple of hours, text me in the day to let me know he was going instead of telling me last minute, then rang me on the way back and asked if i wanted a takeaway, don't know how long this 'willing' will last we shall see, i know i can't take much more and come thursday i will already be dreading the weekend in case he goes out sat night again, if he does i think i shall have to say if you don't come home then don't bother coming back, as how long can i hang on while he makes up his mind ? also i am going to the council to ask about housing next week and i have told my partner he is coming with me, it might jolt his senses when he realizes what might happen if they can't house or help with housing costs if he does go.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 11 2014 at 00:29
Member since: 19 August 2014
No, VICKP, your partner *was* a homebird. Now he's changed.

Yes, I do see why you're confused. And part of that confusion is due to you seeing that HE holds the pulling plug on this relationship. What about YOU and what YOU want and need? You don't need *this*, that's for sure!

And be warned - it could continue like this for months at the very least... particularly with you seeing it that if he wants the relationship then so do you but if not neither do you, because this will have you constantly reacting to whatever mind/mood-swing he happens to be in at any given time.

Take this stress and not knowing where you stand for too much longer and your self-esteem will start to tatter.

So cease staying trapped in reactionary behaviour exclusively. Take back your portion of power. And to do that, you need to see housing benefit ALONE. Why the hell should HE - Mr (currently) "Team Of One" - get the privilege of knowing what you intend or what your options are thus what your next move might be?

And who CARES if he'd feel guilty if housing benefit couldn't help? How is a relationship that hinges on his sense of debt and guilt a worthwhile one anyway? What about love enough to last til death first and foremost?...what about him staying because he LOVES YOU *ROMANTICALLY* whereby he HAS no eyes for any other woman?

Yeah, the grass DOES look greener as you merely skim around on its surface. So shove his face in it until its own equal share of worms crawl up to say hello! THEN we'll see if he enjoys that 'cushy' freedom so much, won't we! (I'm betting not because he only wants a dalliance-size portion of it, not all of it all the time with no other choice.)

See housing benefit on your own and from that, feel capable of at any necessary moment telling him to pee or get off the pot. It's then open to him to start keeping *you* sweet and *him* worriedly walking on eggshells rather than the other way round. And if that doesn't happen then at least you'll know for a fact that the only reason he was staying put was down to the fact he wasn't quite ready to disrupt his home life in such a major way and wanted to take his time about it. You'll then also be free to find/be found by someone for whom other women as sexual/romantic beings no longer exist.

He might well *remain* making more of an effort, but at least if not, you'll have the confidence and wherewithal not to sit there and take yet more non-stop insult. If he does behave himself from now on, no harm's been done by having had that consultation. Win/win.

Or is the truth actually that you're already done (from insult too far) but just wanting to have more time to adapt and make the break, as well as to be the one to call a halt???

On a more practical note: don't you qualify for income support and housing benefit seeing as you're on such a low wage? Or do you have to no longer be cohabiting with a wage earner/contributor for that?

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Sep 11 2014 at 03:06
Member since: 27 December 2013
You said: "it might jolt his senses when he realizes what might happen if they can't house or help with housing costs if he does go."

Are you trying to guilt him into staying with you? That will build up resentment in his mind, for sure.

Look - when are you going to accept that this guy does NOT consider you and him in a relationship? He sounds like an alcoholic, if he's passing out at friends and coming home only when you threaten him OR he's with another woman.

Time to wake up and smell the coffee. You are not going to keep him with you by threatening him or loading him up on obligations.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 11 2014 at 07:56
Member since: 03 September 2014
Thank you once again i know you are right, i need to chuck him out but i can't find it in me yet to do it , because i still love him to bits, god knows why but i do, but i don't think there is a way back now i have done something stupid, in desperation i suppose, he has a facebook account never goes on it but yesterday i found he had added someone - i know it's her so i sent her a message saying what sort of a lowlife would want to see someone else's fella find one of her own who was single. he came home from work fuming that i had sent it,he said i can't believe you have done that, he seemed more upset by that than what he has done to me, we had a chat and he said he still feels the need to go out a lot as 'i'm obviously not happy' ..... i feel so empty.. i know i have to give up now it's obvious it's over i just need to find the strength to do it. as for benefits i won't get any whilst he is here, not sure about housing benefit will find out next week from the council. i hate and dread the thought of ending up in some scummy part of town on my own, spending nights/weekends/christmas on my own, well i know i have my son but he has his own life at college and his girlfriend, i don't really have any friends local and my parents live 12 miles away and i don't drive, and no i can't afford lessons. i feel totally lost.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Sep 11 2014 at 13:02
Member since: 27 December 2013
In six months you will be glad to be rid of this jerk.

He cares more about his "flings" than he does you.

Find a FEMALE boarder ASAP and get this guy out of the house.

Pull yourself together. Stop worrying so much about him and concentrate on yourself and getting yourself healthy.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 11 2014 at 13:20
Member since: 19 August 2014
What you did could be called stupid ONLY if you're currently walking on eggshells, your objective to avoid antagonising HIM whereby he might walk out on YOU.

I repeat: this is a*se about face. It should be HIM walking on eggshells, scared to put another foot wrong in case you yell, GO, GET OUT AND STAY OUT! It's because you're pussyfooting and kowtowing around him, showing him cowed-ness and obseqiousness IN YOUR ERRONEOUS BELIEF THAT YOU NEED HIM AND HIS RENT/MORTGAGE PAYMENTS that he feels he can behave this arrogantly, pompously, self-righteously, dismissively and cruelly towards you.

CEASE! Even if you haven't had that housing benefit consultation yet, start every such confrontation with, 'Now you listen here, bucko!...'.

Stand up for yourself, VICKP (against HIM, I mean), where's your self-respect?! How dare you let someone treat you like nothing more than some damn helpless concubine?!! And who the hell does he think he is? *HE* is the one who's head is on the block awaiting the guillotine, NOT YOU!

Despite he's the one you should be having a go at, you have every right (when your so-called teammate ISN'T) to confront a third party who is conspiring to break up your relationship and home life. It's called relationship protectiveness. But the fact his protectiveness instincts went automatically towards HER and his relationship with HER - to the point of attacking YOU - is all the proof you and I and Susie and everybody else here now needs where concerns this relationship's scope for surviving.

So this latest data is definitive. Case closed. He does not love you so he must purely be using you and your divorce settlement situation and that house including the comfortable home set-up you provide, etc, whilst he goes in search of a new nest.

He does NOT feel guilt and onus towards you. That's YOUR perception based on how YOU'D feel - a perception he knows you hold and which he's tried to take advantage of vis-a-vis his comment about why he oh-so-graciously wouldn't leave you "whilst"...Plus it's you desperately scraping the barrel, now, when it comes to finding something still decent about him.

Go on, tell me - how much more would he be having to pay per month than he currently is were he a singleton living in a home like that in that sort of neighbourhood? What is it - a three, four bedroom-ed house? The former marital home?

Remember, even WITHOUT housing benefit/income support assistance, you COULD afford the mortgage and bills if you booted him out, made your son camp in your room or the living-room for a while, and took in two lodgers (you only have to pay tax on the second). Or failing that, if son objected too heavily and/or you didn't want to have to pay tax, one lodger in the form of a cohabiting couple. Those lodgers could become your next best friends for all you know!

Face-Ache needs you FAR more than you need him! But because of your unhealthy attitude around him, he thinks he's got you where he wants you - having helplessly to take this sh*t.

"Ohh, but I love hiiim". No, you don't. It's too hard to remain in love with someone who apparently cares so little for you he can treat you like sh*t on his shoe. You simply haven't caught up with the programme yet. You love him IN MEMORIAM, are still caught in a HABIT, and are too scared to admit it because of where you fear - repeat, FEAR (not reality) - it might lead or leave you.

Tough. That's the reality you have to deal with, you don't have the luxury of letting your slow-to-catch-up heart get it's way on this one or otherwise, as I say, your self-esteem is going to get it! You have to act IN SPITE of any feelings. Or, what - is HE acting with your feelings towards him in mind? Er, clearly that's a BIG FAT *NO*.

Now to the details of his ire over your action: I now suspect this OW didn't know he was in a firm relationship (or any relationship) and THAT'S why he was so angry: you exposed him for the two-faced, lying shite he is. (Currently/newly is? Or always was but hid it well when in his interests to?)

<>

How dare he. HOW DARE HE! The REASON you're not happy is directly down to him and the fact he's 'going out a lot', particularly as we know he's doing more than merely that!

<< ..... i feel so empty.. i know i have to give up now it's obvious it's over i just need to find the strength to do it.>>

No, you don't. You just have to CEASE THINKING, to stop embracing the WEAKNESS that thinking about it all triggers, and just go through the motions...One, two, three, JUMP or one babystepping foot in front of the other; whichever. Any action is positive action, it's paralysis that's the (psychological) killer.

<>

I know. That's what I was trying to get YOU to remember.

<>

Low income, not even enough to cover HALF a mortgage and (I take it, normal?) bills - COURSE you will. That's why it exists.

<>

You're not totally lost, you're simply in a transitory phase. But trust me on this: ANYWHERE is better than this Pergatory (or torturous Limbo, if you prefer).

You're not Mystic Meg. For all you know you're going to end up in a perfectly NICE part of town, NOT on your own (or not for long). For all you know, this whole episode is a blessing in disguise.

Anyway, all you're trying to do is put yourself off from doing the right thing (protecting yourself from an undeserved onslaught of ultra-personal insult and abuse) because you'd rather something was done *for* you. That, Stanley, is probably precisely what got you INTO this mess! (Think about it.)

Can't do it for you alone? Try this on for size: What messages do you think this - your so-called lover's actions and behaviour and how you're taking/dealing with it - is sending your romantically-coming-of-age son? What's it teaching him about how a man should behave towards his woman (and how he can expect her to behave in return) whom not only is the one he chose to be with and managed to convince would forever stay with, but towards whom he owes a debt of gratitude for having supported him for so long when HE was up against it for well over a year?

Monkey see, monkey do. REPETITION - including the format called sustainment - is what teaches youngsters about what to think, do, behave and expect in any major situation. So what kind of man and romantic male partner do you want your son to believe he can and/or ought to be? Helpless Servant/Victim or All-powerful Master/Bully and absolutely nothing in between?

And how do you think your son FEELS, having to 'watch' all of this going on, knowing his own mother's being treated like a nobody?

Fate has put this challenge on your plate for a REASON. Is it to slap you into submission over the bleedin' obvious (that this relationship ran its course ages ago where THEN you were supposed to react accordingly) and you're meant for a better partner and better things, including attracting (not making, ATTRACTING - NATURALLY) some supportive new friends, finally, as well as tightening your bond with your mother through you actually needing her again?

What would you say to your son were it he in this situation in x years' time? And what if in response to all that sound and unavoidable remedies-based wisdom he mewed back, 'But, mum, I LOOOVE HEEEER!'?

You'd undoubtedly say something like, 'Well, I love you is as I love you *does* whereas her sustained attitude and actions indisputably keep saying, 'I do NOT (but I wanna keep you around for just as long as it still SUITS me)'.

Your 'slow' heart is doing you no favours, quite the opposite, so it's time to rely on your head.

Here endeth the much-needed reality slapping.

When is the housing benefits appointment?

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 11 2014 at 13:25
Member since: 19 August 2014
Tsk - weird formatting and deletions (and no Edit feature). Ignore that, VICKP. Luckily I always highlight and copy before clicking Submit, so let me do that again without the greater/lesser-than symbols:

***************

What you did could be called stupid ONLY if you're currently walking on eggshells, your objective to avoid antagonising HIM whereby he might walk out on YOU.

I repeat: this is a*se about face. It should be HIM walking on eggshells, scared to put another foot wrong in case you yell, GO, GET OUT AND STAY OUT! It's because you're pussyfooting and kowtowing around him, showing him cowed-ness and obseqiousness IN YOUR ERRONEOUS BELIEF THAT YOU NEED HIM AND HIS RENT/MORTGAGE PAYMENTS that he feels he can behave this arrogantly, pompously, self-righteously, dismissively and cruelly towards you.

CEASE! Even if you haven't had that housing benefit consultation yet, start every such confrontation with, 'Now you listen here, bucko!...'.

Stand up for yourself, VICKP (against HIM, I mean), where's your self-respect?! How dare you let someone treat you like nothing more than some damn helpless concubine?!! And who the hell does he think he is? *HE* is the one who's head is on the block awaiting the guillotine, NOT YOU!

Despite he's the one you should be having a go at, you have every right (when your so-called teammate ISN'T) to confront a third party who is conspiring to break up your relationship and home life. It's called relationship protectiveness. But the fact his protectiveness instincts went automatically towards HER and his relationship with HER - to the point of attacking YOU - is all the proof you and I and Susie and everybody else here now needs where concerns this relationship's scope for surviving.

So this latest data is definitive. Case closed. He does not love you so he must purely be using you and your divorce settlement situation and that house including the comfortable home set-up you provide, etc, whilst he goes in search of a new nest.

He does NOT feel guilt and onus towards you. That's YOUR perception based on how YOU'D feel - a perception he knows you hold and which he's tried to take advantage of vis-a-vis his comment about why he oh-so-graciously wouldn't leave you "whilst"...Plus it's you desperately scraping the barrel, now, when it comes to finding something still decent about him.

Go on, tell me - how much more would he be having to pay per month than he currently is were he a singleton living in a home like that in that sort of neighbourhood? What is it - a three, four bedroom-ed house? The former marital home?

Remember, even WITHOUT housing benefit/income support assistance, you COULD afford the mortgage and bills if you booted him out, made your son camp in your room or the living-room for a while, and took in two lodgers (you only have to pay tax on the second). Or failing that, if son objected too heavily and/or you didn't want to have to pay tax, one lodger in the form of a cohabiting couple. Those lodgers could become your next best friends for all you know!

Face-Ache needs you FAR more than you need him! But because of your unhealthy attitude around him, he thinks he's got you where he wants you - having helplessly to take this sh*t.

"Ohh, but I love hiiim". No, you don't. It's too hard to remain in love with someone who apparently cares so little for you he can treat you like sh*t on his shoe. You simply haven't caught up with the programme yet. You love him IN MEMORIAM, are still caught in a HABIT, and are too scared to admit it because of where you fear - repeat, FEAR (not reality) - it might lead or leave you.

Tough. That's the reality you have to deal with, you don't have the luxury of letting your slow-to-catch-up heart get it's way on this one or otherwise, as I say, your self-esteem is going to get it! You have to act IN SPITE of any feelings. Or, what - is HE acting with your feelings towards him in mind? Er, clearly that's a BIG FAT *NO*.

Now to the details of his ire over your action: I now suspect this OW didn't know he was in a firm relationship (or any relationship) and THAT'S why he was so angry: you exposed him for the two-faced, lying shite he is. (Currently/newly is? Or always was but hid it well when in his interests to?)

"we had a chat and he said he still feels the need to go out a lot as 'i'm obviously not happy'"

How dare he. HOW DARE HE! The REASON you're not happy is directly down to him and the fact he's 'going out a lot', particularly as we know he's doing more than merely that!

"..... i feel so empty.. i know i have to give up now it's obvious it's over i just need to find the strength to do it."

No, you don't. You just have to CEASE THINKING, to stop embracing the WEAKNESS that thinking about it all triggers, and just go through the motions...One, two, three, JUMP or one babystepping foot in front of the other; whichever. Any action is positive action, it's paralysis that's the (psychological) killer.

"as for benefits i won't get any whilst he is here,"

I know. That's what I was trying to get YOU to remember.

"not sure about housing benefit will find out next week from the council."

Low income, not even enough to cover HALF a mortgage and (I take it, normal?) bills - COURSE you will. That's why it exists.

"i hate and dread the thought of ending up in some scummy part of town on my own, spending nights/weekends/christmas on my own, well i know i have my son but he has his own life at college and his girlfriend, i don't really have any friends local and my parents live 12 miles away and i don't drive, and no i can't afford lessons. i feel totally lost."

You're not totally lost, you're simply in a transitory phase. But trust me on this: ANYWHERE is better than this Pergatory (or torturous Limbo, if you prefer).

You're not Mystic Meg. For all you know you're going to end up in a perfectly NICE part of town, NOT on your own (or not for long). For all you know, this whole episode is a blessing in disguise.

Anyway, all you're trying to do is put yourself off from doing the right thing (protecting yourself from an undeserved onslaught of ultra-personal insult and abuse) because you'd rather something was done *for* you. That, Stanley, is probably precisely what got you INTO this mess! (Think about it.)

Can't do it for you alone? Try this on for size: What messages do you think this - your so-called lover's actions and behaviour and how you're taking/dealing with it - is sending your romantically-coming-of-age son? What's it teaching him about how a man should behave towards his woman (and how he can expect her to behave in return) whom not only is the one he chose to be with and managed to convince would forever stay with, but towards whom he owes a debt of gratitude for having supported him for so long when HE was up against it for well over a year?

Monkey see, monkey do. REPETITION - including the format called sustainment - is what teaches youngsters about what to think, do, behave and expect in any major situation. So what kind of man and romantic male partner do you want your son to believe he can and/or ought to be? Helpless Servant/Victim or All-powerful Master/Bully and absolutely nothing in between?

And how do you think your son FEELS, having to 'watch' all of this going on, knowing his own mother's being treated like a nobody?

Fate has put this challenge on your plate for a REASON. Is it to slap you into submission over the bleedin' obvious (that this relationship ran its course ages ago where THEN you were supposed to react accordingly) and you're meant for a better partner and better things, including attracting (not making, ATTRACTING - NATURALLY) some supportive new friends, finally, as well as tightening your bond with your mother through you actually needing her again?

What would you say to your son were it he in this situation in x years' time? And what if in response to all that sound and unavoidable remedies-based wisdom he mewed back, 'But, mum, I LOOOVE HEEEER!'?

You'd undoubtedly say something like, 'Well, I love you is as I love you *does* whereas her sustained attitude and actions indisputably keep saying, 'I do NOT (but I wanna keep you around for just as long as it still SUITS me)'.

Your 'slow' heart is doing you no favours, quite the opposite, so it's time to rely on your head.

When is the housing benefits appointment?

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 11 2014 at 19:04
Member since: 03 September 2014
Thanks Soulmate, the appointment is next wed, i have also contacted to citizens advice they are coming back to me with an appointment, i havn't told my son yet as i want to know what my options are first, he would have to pay around £500 to rent round here, and yes it is the ex marital home and is 3/4 bedrooms so i would think about a female lodger as an option, i have read and re read your post and i know i need to be stronger, i got a text from him this afternoon saying i have finished work early and will come and pick you up from work and take you food shopping, he was all chatty and then said shall we go to the pub sunday to watch the big match - football i am a massive fan, we have season tickets by couldnt go to this one as its away, it's the first time he has offered t take me out for a long time, seems strange and i don't know what is going on, probable guilt after last nights talk, i am not backing down though i shall be strong like you said i am on my guard. will see what happens tomm. oh and yes he was mad about facebook you were right she didn't know he was in a relationship....but she does now ! so hopefully she won't want to see him as he has lied already. wish i had your way of thinking would save me a lot of heartache.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Sep 11 2014 at 23:14
Member since: 27 December 2013
It's all about having a strong ego. Yours has been beaten down by this man and your over anxious personality to please the un-pleaseable has backfired.

He's nice TONITE - but it won't last.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 11 2014 at 23:29
Member since: 19 August 2014
"the appointment is next wed, i have also contacted to citizens advice they are coming back to me with an appointment,"

EXCELLENT!!!

And Wednesday isn't that far off so it'll only be a short-term case of teeth-gritting and holding of your cards to your chest.

"i havn't told my son yet as i want to know what my options are first, he would have to pay around £500 to rent round here,"

I'm sure he would, were he working. But isn't he still in full-time education? Or am I being fick and you meant The Git? I'll presume The Git.

So how much less than that is he currently contributing to the joint mortgage?

"and yes it is the ex marital home and is 3/4 bedrooms so i would think about a female lodger as an option,"

Good idea, although equally there are benefits to having a man around, assuming he's handy with odd jobs, for example. I wouldn't worry about gender. Worry more about personality and daily at-home habits compatibilities and whether he'd make a good "big brother" figure whenever your son visits.

"i have read and re read your post and i know i need to be stronger,"

No, you're still not getting it. You do NOT have to be stronger, you're strong already. TOO strong, actually! If you wanted proof of your strength you'd only have to look at your incredible tenacity amidst THE greatest ego slights, insults and injuries ol' Git Face has been dealing you day after week after month. Do you not realise how many women would have folded into a total heap by now or looked the other way (some permanently) because they simply couldn't deal with ANY of it? Your trouble is simply entertaining your fears - none of which have any basis on reality, and that innate strength and endurance still being pointed in the wrong direction. Berbom.

Trust me on this: once you get more into this "I ain't 'avin it!" attitude and actions, Git Face will be MINCEMEAT! :-p And then watch him find new respect for you and try to come grovelling back (tough!).

Oh, wait... he's started already:

"i got a text from him this afternoon saying i have finished work early and will come and pick you up from work and take you food shopping, he was all chatty and then said shall we go to the pub sunday to watch the big match - football i am a massive fan, we have season tickets by couldnt go to this one as its away, it's the first time he has offered t take me out for a long time, seems strange and i don't know what is going on,"

I do.

"probable guilt after last nights talk,"

Nnnope! WRONG. It's that he can SMELL your inner rebellion mustering. He's going to try to soft-soap you to make you back down again...in which case...

"i am not backing down though i shall be strong like you said i am on my guard."

GOOD. *Now* you're with the programme and on the right track to where YOU - not he - YOU! - will have the luxury (prerogative, actually) in deciding whether he stays - at that house and in your life - or goes!

"will see what happens tomm. oh and yes he was mad about facebook you were right she didn't know he was in a relationship....but she does now ! so hopefully she won't want to see him as he has lied already."

Depends on how strong and "I ain't 'avin it!" *she* is, doesn't it. But who cares. Certainly I suspect not you by this time next week.

"wish i had your way of thinking would save me a lot of heartache."

Well, in case it had escaped your notice, modom, you are getting there as we speak.

Yours infectiously,

Marmite-I mean Soulmate. ;-)

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 11 2014 at 23:34
Member since: 19 August 2014
PS VICKP,

"He's nice TONITE - but it won't last."

There you go, look. Susie knows what's what as well.

This is all very, very common, you know. You're not alone.

("Yooou are noood alone...(ow!), I/we are heere with yoo-ooou (hee-hee!), thooough you're faar a-waaaay (shamon!), soomething soomething-somethingggg...") (;-D)

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 15 2014 at 13:32
Member since: 03 September 2014
Thanks once again, you made me smile, not done that for a while, been a strange weekend, he had half a day off friday and picked me up from work, we went shopping, he stayed in, we watched a film, saturday spent the day together, he went out sat night, came home at 3.30 in the morning,instead of 8/9 am got into bed and said sorry, i just said yeah right i doubt that and turned over, sunday we went to the pub to watch the football, he nipped out sunday night to play squash and bought a take-away home, nooooo idea what's going off, but i getting to the stage where i don't care,

sorry for the mix-up soulmate, i meant if git face as you call him left, he would be paying more than if he lived here, my son lives with me and sees his dad at weekends, he has another year at college so won't be going anywhere yet. will let you know what happens with the council....and it's good to know i'm not alone !

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 15 2014 at 14:49
Member since: 19 August 2014
(Git Face is as Git Face *does*. What ELSE am I going to call him?)

"been a strange weekend, he had half a day off friday and picked me up from work, we went shopping, he stayed in, we watched a film, saturday spent the day together, he went out sat night, came home at 3.30 in the morning,instead of 8/9 am got into bed and said sorry,"

I got as far as he went out and went ACH!

"i just said yeah right i doubt that and turned over,"

Here, I went, HURRAH!

And then I knew what would follow:

"sunday we went to the pub to watch the football, he nipped out sunday night to play squash and bought a take-away home"

Tick! to the takeaway but... Are we SURE-sure sure it's squash he's playing? Because this COULD be taken as similar to him coming home overly and unacceptably tardily as proves grounds for suspicion, yet upping his emotional-management game in the form of having learned to bring home a sweetener. See what I'm saying?

(I know what *I'd* like to squash. And I'd get Susie to hold his legs down whilst you took the arms.)

"but i getting to the stage where i don't care,"

Good for you.

Yes, I KNOW he'd be paying more elsewhere, what I asked was how MUCH more?

"will let you know what happens with the council....and it's good to know i'm not alone !"

Yes, please do, and no, course you're not. In a world with 7 billion people in it, there's no such thing (worst luck, LOL).

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 18 2014 at 18:24
Member since: 03 September 2014
Hi Soulmate

well i had my meeting with the council, not much to report, she suggested getting a lodger which is fine if they stay, if they decide to go i'm left with no mortgage payments till i find someone else. i can get £111 a week to help with mortgage cost if i sign up for job seekers allowance i would get that for 2 years as long as i agree to go on courses etc and keep signing on, which would help towards the mortgage but not the bills, i can go on the housing list for private renting and would get the same money towards that so still have problem with bills, the council will try and speak to my mortgage adviser to see if they are willing to put my half on interest only, waiting for her to come to me, don't qualify for council housing as living in private house, if it is sold i can then go on the list and wait like everyone else.

Nothing new from gitface he can't go out this week as on afternoon shift, will see what happens this weekend.

i am trying hard to find more hours so i can afford the bills.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 19 2014 at 01:58
Member since: 19 August 2014
Bon soir.

"well i had my meeting with the council, not much to report, she suggested getting a lodger which is fine if they stay, if they decide to go i'm left with no mortgage payments till i find someone else."

That's why it's optimum to get TWO lodgers. However, with renting at an exceptionally high level due to this recession, I imagine you'd find another within the leaving tenant's 1 months notice period no problemo.

" i can get £111 a week to help with mortgage cost if i sign up for job seekers allowance i would get that for 2 years as long as i agree to go on courses etc and keep signing on, which would help towards the mortgage but not the bills, i can go on the housing list for private renting and would get the same money towards that so still have problem with bills, the council will try and speak to my mortgage adviser to see if they are willing to put my half on interest only,"

EXCELLENT! Fingers crossed, then.

"waiting for her to come to me, don't qualify for council housing as living in private house, if it is sold i can then go on the list and wait like everyone else."

Out of interest, why don't you want to sell the FMH, buy or rent a smaller, cheaper place or even a flat, and then supplement your income using the remainder of the sales profit?

"Nothing new from gitface he can't go out this week as on afternoon shift, will see what happens this weekend."

Ok.

"i am trying hard to find more hours so i can afford the bills."

Again, good.

Liking your proactivity there, btw. Bloody well done, you're doing amazingly compared to the majority in your position! You probably don't realise that. But you are. Take it from me.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 21 2014 at 04:11
Member since: 19 August 2014
Any developments, Vickp?

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 22 2014 at 13:59
Member since: 03 September 2014
Hi Soulmate

still waiting to hear from the council, weeks away for my appointment with citizens advice, git face has been nice all weekend, been out together pretty normal, he went out sat night came home 3.3o again, nipped out sun night to see his daughter, came home with take-away, noticed he has changed his e-mail password so i can't check his e-mails, made some comment that he couldn't remember the password and wanted to buy something on google play, so changed it, crafty git, his phone is linked to the tablet we share he changed it from his phone so can't do anything about it. he seems to be fine at the weekends when he is with me then when he goes back to work his mood changes a bit, he says he is still confused, so just plodding along at the moment, setting the wheels in motion.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 22 2014 at 15:58
Member since: 19 August 2014
I'm sorry, VICKP, but it's obvious he's still playing away on Saturday nights, whether still with this colleague or having since moved on from that mere springboard to another new one.

But there again, a man in mid life crisis can cheat on you with "lads" or a new motorbike. Again, whatever tool is used to extricate oneself from the commitment side of a relationship whilst avoiding loss of its perks, isn't the issue. The wriggling out by x degrees without consequence is. However, one doesn't see the need to cache any talks with the lads or other motorbike enthusiasts, so obviously this IS about another woman.

VICKP, do you realise you've been hooked up to a bona fide Player for the last 3 years? I'm sorry but his deviousness and cunning when it comes to his covering his tracks and blocking your route to discovery take years of attitudinal sustainment and practise. His behaviour smacks of sociopathy comorbid with narcissism and passive-aggression. A Borderline Personality Disordered. He *cannot* be involuntarily mimicking BPD perception and behaviour just out of chronic high stress or else he'd be unable to hold down his job.

I believe the reason he stayed with you relatively sweetly-behaving for 3 years was because you and your half-mortgage/his half-price rental represented a cushy deal and a stable base from which to eventually re-commence his habitual sleeping around-style social climbing. Bet you any money you like, this colleague is more minted than you.

The time proves the nature of the crime as well as the criminal's issue aetiology. He shows zero remorse, zero conscience, zero guilt, zero fear of losing you... What's worse and my tipping basis for believing him PD is, as the evidence clearly shows, ZERO SHAME.

In reaction to a call to cease this behaviour and knuckle down again he is simply trying HARDER and more polishedly to pull the wool whilst showing greater and greater amounts of disdain... disdain which I believe always existed.

When a man's moral settings and whole attitude to life and love are still intrinsically sound despite any mid-life crisis, the SHOCK at the heinousness of what he's done to a woman who never did him any harm but try to build a relationship with him is usually enough alone to make him see sense and fight/wind down his unacceptable behaviour by now. He's doing the opposite.

Look again. What has he *done* to 'remedy' anything? Answer: BROUGHT YOU A COUPLE OF BLOODY TAKEAWAYS AND SPENT WHATEVER TIME WITH YOU THAT HE HAD KICKING AROUND ANYWAY. The rent payments are done exclusively for *his* cushy benefit so don't count.

You're getting to see his true colours, finally. He bust a gut those 3 years, trying to prime you into trustingness and a false sense of security just until he could see you were properly HOOKED, whereupon he (not being superhuman) could no longer keep up the act...PLEUGH!- off came the sheep's clothing to reveal the sweaty, gasping-for-air wolf that he is. The mask is off because he feels sure there's nothing you can do about it other than LUMP IT now that you're (thinks he) slave to your own emotional attachment.

...and proving it by not **taking even whatever small stands that already are open and available to you (read on).

He is turning this acting job back on here and there as needed, which is why you say he SEEMS to be fine at the weekends when he is with you and then allows himself to express his disdain under the cover of a knock to his equilibrium during the working week. It's not that. It's that he can't be arsed to keep the act going for long periods any more other than giving you some female-friendly, pity-evoking excuse. Were I wrong, he'd in the midst of this be staying in with YOU on Saturday nights.

He's a polished actor who could win a Bafta were it not for the fact he prefers to use his acting skills to get sneakily ahead in life rather than to entertain. He's a player and social parasite with zero conscience and empathy. He is a f*ckwit.

Do you know for a FACT it was his daughter he popped out to see? Even if she's verified it, can you hand-on-heart say his daughter wouldn't play false alibi? The reason I ask is because if he's upped his attempts to hide his talks and movements then that logically suggests his TALKS AND MOVEMENTS have upped.

Phone your mortgage lender, explain the situation about needing to evict your so-called boyfriend, explain that there will result a period of insufficient funds with which to pay your half of the mortgage, and ask for (at least) 6 months' interest-only repayments agreement. If they decline, ring another mortgage lender about transferring the debt to a company with a bit more understanding and customer appreciation.

Alternatively/additionally and preferably primarily, speak to your ex husband. You're still the mother of his child and even that alone should make him willing to aid *his child's* optimal welfare through having a secure homestead.

That's the practical. Now to the emotional:

I get why you'd have been feeling you couldn't actually chuck him out yet given that said wheels are only in motion. But why, oh, WHY are you ***still going on weekend jaunts with this poor excuse for a human being when, frankly, you could be telling him to take a funny run because he DISGUSTS you?

I don't CARE if he forgot his password. That does not automatically remove his ability to INFORM YOU OF THE NEW ONE!

Again, you don't need to feel he has a financial hold over you because YOU'RE THE ONE HAS A FINANCIAL HOLD OVER HIM.

What the hell predicament is he going to be in both practically and financially if you chuck him out tonight without notice? Describe the upheaval and stress, please, IN DETAIL.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 23 2014 at 11:01
Member since: 03 September 2014
Hi Soulmate

thanks again for the reply,

where would he be if i kicked him out? sleeping in the car, as he has no-where else.his mate might put him up for a few nights but i doubt more than that, he wouldn't be able to afford a b & b. non of his family would have him, they are all on my side. He gave me the pasword when i said i was having problems, to be honest i am pretty sure he is staying at his mates on sat nights as is mate suppports the rival football team to the team we have season tickets for and he came back with a program from the game for us, he is a steward there, and git face told me in detail about what he said about the game, yes he could of made it up, i can't prove he went to his daughters no, i am keeping a very close eye on him, i am using him to my advantage at the mo so i can stay in the house while things are sorted, YES i am a complete mug i can hear you screaming at me to get a grip !! also when this all happened a couple of months ago i found he had put a spare set of clothes in the boot of the car, well i changed the clothes for some of my sons and hid his, only yesterday he found them as his belt had broke and he wanted the belt of the jeans in the car, he said he put a spare set of clothes in the car incase i chucked him out, so he hasn't been using them as he only found out yesterday, not sticking up for him just saying he hadn't sneakily got changed to go anywhere. in all the 3 years he hadn't had ONE night out alone till this all happened a couple of months ago. meeting with citizens advice isn't till 22 oct ! earliest they can get me in.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 23 2014 at 14:37
Member since: 19 August 2014
Well, I'm NOT (sure). How hard is it to stop by his mates' for the programme and produce it as a form of alibi support? Not hard at all. How hard would it be for a "lad" to agree to be that alibi should the wife ever confront him? Not hard at all. Like Attracts Like/birds of a feather stick together.

How hard is it to quickly destroy or hide electronic evidence in between your asking for the new password and his - HAVING THE TIMELAPSE CONTROL - giving it to you? Not hard at all.

PDs machinate to a level so gobsmackingly extreme and intricate, you wonder how on earth they have time left over to do anything day-to-day routine. They're highly intelligent, yet sick, meaning their intelligence product is of no use to anyone other than himself and his own short-to-medium range, selfish, cunning, highly devious aims and agendas. They are virtuosos in spotting your soft-spots, fallibilities, fears and desires and know exactly how to play you, including convincing you that despite they bloodied knife is in their hands, "it wasn't me". Usually, it was somehow you.

Please read "I hate you/Don't leave me!"

As you admit, yes, he could have made everything up and either daughter could be covering for him or he's too damn sure you'd never have the nerve to verify through her.

So that leave as evidence the *ACTIONS*, this case a show in motion of remorse and a desire to improve the relationship by stepping up behaviourally, back to a level where YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE HIM. That would include NOT spending the big S night as is your privilege by relationship rights, with someone else (allegedly a man).

Are you even sure this mistress is a woman??

He doesn't care enough if he loses you or he arrogantly assumes you don't have it in you to get rid anyway.

GOOD that you're keeping a very sceptical eye on him, but if you're REALLY just biding your time, using him, then it begs the question, why do *I* have to be the one to express these doubts and suspicions every time? Why aren't you providing them yourself?

These emergency clothes just prove the fact he's fully ready in his mind to go without a fight, and that he feels were he to be banished, he wouldn't be DESERVING of getting to take anything else with him. He knows the full extent of his crime, you see.

"only yesterday he found them as his belt had broke and he wanted the belt of the jeans in the car"

UTTER TOSH! If this contingency measure had been only at the time been a knee-jerk momentary decision, his mind would have FORGOTTEN a belt featured. He'd have gone out of habit to his WARDROBE (or if he'd been out at the time, some men's clothing shop)! He IS changing into them. She's washing and ironing them each time! THAT'S why he had cause to see, NOT because his bloody belt broke!

He is a polished liar. Unfortunately, not being healthy-minded, his LOGIC and ability to pre-think things through to the ultimate conclusion (i.e. beyond his immediate aim), is up the creek, which is how I can see through all these holes in his lies and excuses. YOU can't - because you're in DefCon2 which clouds your perception and judgement skills. "I asked the liar whether he was lying and, phew, he said NO".

Give me another great explanation of his, go on, and watch me blow that one out of the water in 2 seconds flat as well!

You're going to get more and more insulted, more and more clouded, thus more and more insulted....and repeat.

"meeting with citizens advice isn't till 22 oct ! earliest they can get me in."

SO RING YOUR EX-HUSBAND FOR HELP, THAT'S WHAT HE'S THERE FOR STILL! There's no such THING as divorce when you have a kid together. You can't afford to avoid any humiliation in front of him. And I doubt when he realises how bad this all is for HIS SON, he won't feel any schadenfrued in the slightest ANYWAY. I imagine he'll be too glad at the opportunity to get to feel like a member of the FAMILY again, in fact.

OR GIVE ME THE PIGGING GUN!!! :-p

Seriously, you can't keep yourself in this psychologically damaging situation one second longer. You can't use as excuses the fact CAB couldn't see you earlier. You have to act. If you have ANY self-love and -respect, you have to act. Find a way.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 24 2014 at 11:42
Member since: 03 September 2014
Hi Soulmate

No he wasn't wearing the clothes from the boot as i had taken his out and put my son's old clothes in the bag they would not of fit him, the only reason he found out was because of the broken belt he thought the other one was still in the car, so my son's clothes had been in the boot for nearly 2 months, sorry probably didn't explain that very well last post, as for contacting my ex that's a big NO, he was the one in the first place that suddenly decided a few years ago he wanted me out the house as at the time i was claiming job seekers and they were helping with the mortgage then and he knew it was coming to an end and i wouldn't be able to pay and he didn't want the burden and tried to put the house up for sale then,that's why the agreement to pay half each came from. i have been lucky over the years when i was with him as he earns a lot of money and i didn't need to work, which is why i am finding it hard now to get a full time job, as i gave up work 18 years ago to bring up my son and have only worked part time since then, even though i have been on courses to keep up to date and apply for jobs every week, so he would not pay anything, he has his new family and pays the mortgage there and well as the half he is paying on our house. I know the woman he took for a drink is the one i messaged on facebook, he still swears that's all and that was over a month ago, he has not worked late since then or rather 'claimed' he worked late, he is going out once or twice a week recently instead of 3/4, seems to be calming down, not sure how long for and no i have no proof of where he says he goes he actually does go, he wouldn't tell his daughter to make up stories as she would tell her mum straight away and her mum is the devil ! i call her the black widow, she tries to stop my partner seeing his daughter she tells her daughter he doesn't want to see her which is not true, he then goes through months where his daughter believes the mother as she lives with her, and he then doesn't get to see her for weeks, this has been going on for 5 years, and if the black widow got a sniff of something going on she would be on him like a ton of bricks, she is constantly on the phone ringing him for money ( up to 50 times a day) saying she has none, he pays her more than he should anyway,she even started ringing me at one point hassling me saying 'get him to ring me now i need money' ..anyway that's another story and i am sure his daughter would not cover for him.

while waiting for citizens advice i am going to find out how to get on the list for university students home rental, there must be loads of students wanting lodgings, and maybe the local hospital might have an approved list for lodgings, not sure of the rules, i guess they would have to be simular to landlord rules but will look into it.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 24 2014 at 13:41
Member since: 19 August 2014
1. "while waiting for citizens advice i am going to find out how to get on the list for university students home rental, there must be loads of students wanting lodgings, and maybe the local hospital might have an approved list for lodgings, not sure of the rules, i guess they would have to be simular to landlord rules but will look into it."

That's a brilliant idea! NOW you're thinking! NOW you're showing your wish to rid yourself of this parasite to be true.

2. Re the clothes and substitution: Ok, I see now. But I still don't buy the broken belt story as his motivator for thinking to go get these cached clothes. Two months on, he should have forgotten they were there, let alone that they featured a belt.

Nor do I his story about putting them there to begin with out of a fear of being chucked out. To-date, not even indirect expressing of that so-called fear has shown itself anywhere else in his behaviour and actions.

Au contraire! Given the (you'd think) knife edge he's walking, his insistence on still going out without you until the wee hours (and one time very nearly ALL night) every Saturday, shows downright arrogance (as well as that disdain I mentioned). So his claim of him being braced and paranoid and that this is why the cached clothing is NOT TRUE, does not stack up one iota. So now I'm getting a slightly different picture...

Ref "he is going out once or twice a week recently": The colleague and he didn't work out. He's now cruising on dating websites (hence the attempt via password change to keep your nose out), anticipates at some point getting a date where the woman asks him in for "coffee" as then demands a clean set of clothes the next morning. Or he anticipates getting a date where he goes straight from work as demands a change out of his work clothing into something more appropriate. And that's why he recalled this "spare belt" so readily. He had a date recently and went to change. (Ha-ha, imagine his face! Given his behaviour, however, we're surprised they didn't fit beautifully, eh.)

If you anticipate getting chucked out, you don't just have a set of clothes. You have an actual hold-all containing those, your shaver, toothbrush, toiletries, ETCETERA. You need PURELY CLOTHES if you know you're still going to be returning home afterwards.

If he's winding down, I'm sure that is less to do with his wanting to behave himself and get to keep you than simply running out of candidates. This is always the pattern on dating sites - an initial flurry (due to the fleeting novelty aspect) and then a plateau-ing.

The fact remains that he's just biding his time with you, either to passive-aggressively make this new set-up (married AND single) become a permanent fixture through you eventually getting bored of trying to make him toe the line and giving up in frustration OR just until he finds another sucker whose shirt tails he can grab onto for another free ride, at which point you won't see him for dust. The proof of this comes through the fact that he's no longer even trying to provide cover stories for his once/twice-weekly after-work outings. He's not SCARED of getting chucked out. Nor of having to kip in his car/at mates' houses. He'd just rather not, for convenience's sake.

So he's NOT "calming down" as if to suggest this lessening is coming from his side, opportunities are calming down, diff/all the diff.

The "black widow" - clearly, considering you've lately finally sampled HER shoes - has very sound basis for hating his guts. Hell - *I* despise his guts and I don't even have to have anything to do with him! Not saying she wasn't just as bad as him back then, just that she is not automatically the baddie just because she's nowadays totally unwilling to give him any credit or custody cooperation (like the equally immature person she is). I doubt YOU will, either, come the time.

Clearly she feels humiliated, still, yet powerless when it comes to giving him What For, hence is resorting to using their daughter as a pawn.

Women who feel like that for such a long time are usually those who were not only cheated on but whose husband showed zero contrition and made zero effort to change their ways.

I believe her that he's not giving her enough money. That she would feel forced to resort to trying via YOU - and thereby prove that genuine by concentrating on the money aspect rather than suddenly shifting her topic to things petty and personal - says so. So what's he doing with the money he should be paying her? He's not spending it on YOU, is he. All he's having to spend on your relationship is seriously cut-price monthly rent. So where's his money going? We can work that one out, now, can't we. "MY money, not yours!", has always been his attitude. Whilst claiming poverty to BOTH you and she, he's squirrelling it into his savings account, with whatever he feels okay about spending - bar this pittance of a rent and the odd takeaway - GOES ON WINING AND DINING OTHER WOMEN.

He's worse than I thought.

Now I have a question for you: were you Git Face's mistress (or, unbeknown to you back then, one of many), is that how you and he originally got it together?

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 28 2014 at 04:03
Member since: 19 August 2014
So am I to take this uncharacteristic, extensive failure to respond as a Yes?

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Sep 30 2014 at 09:56
Member since: 03 September 2014
Hi Soulmate, sorry no had a bad weekend so not been on here, no i was certainly not his mistress, he had left his wife around 6 months before i met him, he had been staying with his brother on their sofa, we met through a dating site, we had a good week last week but by friday i had a gut feeling something bad would happen, because it had been so good, he went out friday on a stag night, stayed out all night, came home spent a couple of hours with me then spend the afternoon shopping with his daughter, i got a text at tea time saying sorry gone to my mates need to clear my head don't want to keep hurting you, will let you know later if im back, never heard anything,didn't contact him,he came home sunday morning, i had locked the door, he said are you not letting me in, i said it depends why you are back, he said well i'm back can i come in, he sat down burst into tears and said sorry i don't know why i keep hurting you, things are not right if i keep doing it,i'm really sorry, i need to clear my head i'm so confused i want to stay then i want to go, i nearly didn't come back but i have, he then changed the subject, so i just let him talk for a bit, he then offered to help make sunday dinner and we spent the day together, i am exhausted, i can't go through that again, i am just waiting for the right moment to say if you ever put me through what you did last weekend you are out the door.... i know you are going to say i should of done it already !

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Sep 30 2014 at 15:44
Member since: 19 August 2014
Bonjoir!

Good. Just wanted to check.

Six months isn't a lot, though. Shows he hadn't learned anything...aside from the fact that he preferred a bed to a sofa, methinks. Do you see this better now? Not suggesting that's ALL that would have appealed about you. Course not. But you get my gist. I'm sure you do, hence you deciding of your own volition to mention the- you'd think extraneous information about what traditionally uncomfortable item/situation he was having to sleep on/in.

And this is what you need to appreciate, Vickp. These aren't my opinions I've been expressing, they're yours. You 'whisper' them to me under your own radar, I notice them, translate their meaning in full, and hand them back to you. It's Rogerian, Jim, but not as we know it.

The only opinion that's by whatever degree mine too, is that (naturally) I wish you could extricate yourself from this insulting situation sooner due to the imperceptible, long-term effects it'll all having on you. But I do appreciate that you have very real practical barriers and impediments. I also, as pointed out before, am impressed and reassured by the fact you're taking real behind-scenes strides in preparation for the ousting.

...on which much improved, far sassier note: "i had locked the door"

Giant thumbs-up!!! (Houston? She's using her powers at last!)

How did that feel?

And - nope! NOT going to say you should have done it already. Sorry I'm such a hard task-master, but if I nag you to jump 9 yards, you're more likely to reach 5 than if I'd asked for 5 to begin with (think about it). Much as I'd LIKE ideally to hurry you for the sake of damage-limitation to your self-esteem, and much as it's always sensible to nag a bit in case readiness is there to be used (i.e. to nag any mere fear restrainers into submission), if you HAD tried that stance before the weekend and prior to being ready, I doubt you'd have been quite as convincing as you were. So it's all good.

He now KNOWS, repeat KNOWS how close he is to getting chucked out on his ear. Even in spite of the fact you eventually let him in. The point is - EVENTUALLY.

My prediction is that even if he was as good as gold from here on in, you'll still end up asking him to leave (he's ruined everything, destroyed every memory and removed their authenticity, burst your bubble..), but that, meanwhile, WHILST you're having to tolerate his extended presence, you at least can ensure it's not jam-packed with yet more in-your-face insults.

WELL DONE, YOU, YOU VERY CLEVER LADY.

Now comes seeing how *thick* he is.

So...back to, how are you feeling?

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Oct 1 2014 at 12:04
Member since: 03 September 2014
Thanks Soulmate

Not sure about me being clever though it was through anger that he dared t do it. ! how am i ? exhausted, hurt, lonely, betrayed, angry, i am going to say to him i cannot take another weekend like last weekend i havn't got it in me to go through it again so if wants to go ahead and do it then go do it somewhere else. someone suggested i read marsvenus which i have i kind of get the rubber band and the cave thing but 3 months ? come on !! and you are supposed to thank him when he comes out the cave ? i just want to club him over the head !!

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Oct 1 2014 at 14:20
Member since: 27 December 2013
VickP -

It take SO much energy to break up with someone, especially if that person is a manipulative con, like your guy. HE keeps talking you our of giving him the boot!

You are left at home Sat. nites - he drags in and starts his apologies then buys you take away and everything gets smoothed over - until the next time. He disappoints you again, smooths things over, then does it again. I know you want this to stop, but it is not going to!

No wonder you are exhausted!

This man is zapping your energy and spirit.

When you stop caring so much about him and his future, then you will be able to gather up the energy to do what you must to protect yourself from all this hurt.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 1 2014 at 15:28
Member since: 19 August 2014
" i kind of get the rubber band and the cave thing but 3 months ? come on !! and you are supposed to thank him when he comes out the cave ? i just want to club him over the head !!"

I'm with you! There's a fine line between being forgiving and understanding and demonstrating to someone that you're their personal doormat and kicking cat (which just perpetually reinforces their onerous attitude). You're meant to learn to love *yourself* before you're then capable of loving someone else to equal measure. It's Swapsies: he takes care of you, you take care of him. As long as it's OVERALL 50/50 - or even whatever ratio you're both equally comfortably happy with - you're doing well. Yeah, sure, women approach immediately to turn foe into friend, whilst men retreat into their cave to study and formulate a strategy. But where's the shame and remorse on the man's part for making you, the woman, sit experiencing mental anguish because HE holds the power over When? Pff. Who made HIM der boss?? That's not equality, is it. It's male dominance and female pandering (enabling).

And don't whatever you do "Mzzz" Robin Norwood's 'Women Who Love Too Much' because that just begs the accusation, men who love too little (:-p).

Read Mira Kershenbaum's 'Too Good To Leave/Too Bad To Stay'. She doesn't display any such gender bias, it's person 'versus' person, men are frequently twats, women are frequently twats, gender is no excuse (- a woman after my own heart). And she cuts RIGHT to the chase with her very levelling, one sentance questions, yet without being narrow-mindedly black & white about it. IMO, Mira is right on the money, has got MANY a woman in your position out of psychological difficulty/paralysis, and if her book doesn't fast-track you (one) to a very firm and conclusive state of mind, then you're too far off from the position where you're ready to and should simply try it again a few weeks later.

"Not sure about me being clever though it was through anger that he dared t do it".

You could have put instant ego- and emotional-gratification ahead of all other considerations via letting him in and merely screaming his hair off. There was LONG-RANGE STRATEGY in your reactivity. You kept your emotions under control thus kept your mental powers of judgement and calculation working on full enough cylindry, despite you were at the front line being there and then subjected to heavy incoming fire. You force-fed him a taste of CONSEQUENCES. So yes, you are clever, soldier (and shutchaface, LOL).

But seriously, it's just that your mind is very occupied at the mo, leaving little scope for self-assessing, which means you simply haven't refreshed your self-image yet, haven't caught up in terms of awareness to the newer you. I've got a very strong feeling, VICKP, that once you're out and free of this man and mess, you're going to be one of those women who suddenly (in under 5 years) experiences a very great growth spurt and SOARS.

For now, you just have to reach the end of your particular tether due to your being an 'always try to fix it before you throw it away and buy another' merchant. You just need convincing via enough evidence that it (he) IS broken and, I'm betting, came that way.

He had something GOOD. I can see that from all the effort you put into trying to make it work (e.g. two jobs), and the trouble you've since taken (including, e.g., trying to tolerate and endure), etc. Yet, instead of having a sense of appreciation, he went and shat on it from a great height.

Maybe he always knew you were TOO good for him. Maybe under even his own radar his real agenda was to (ham-fistedly) knock you off your peg and down one or two? That's not what a body does when they love another body, nor when they love themselves thus recognise themselves as worthy and warranting of such a prize. So this is HIS bad luck for trying to cheat at the game of life and love life. Cheating is just another form of losing because you haven't then truly won the battle by doing the *whole* procedure involved, to the best of your abilities. You've won nothing but an illusion and self-delusion.

If he TRULY didn't love you any more he should have just chosen the gentlemanly thing to do, which was to sit you down and 'fire' the relationship with regret. As I say, he's using it selfishly wilfully and abusing it and you in the process.

For now, Stop doing yourself down all the time because that's partly what got you into this mess. I prescribe you a 5-minute session in the mirror every day, singing along at the top of your lungs to the most impactful lines of these two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0DfyAIkGw0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4OOum4Vm-M

And then, once he's out (OR behaving like a changed man), this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_tj4HqBn6k

PS: write that speech in a LETTER so that it counts as an *action*. Keep it short and to the point. Were it me, it'd sound like this: "You put one more foot wrong and you're out. End of. This is not up for discussion because it needs none."

..which, actually, Mrs Wish-I-Had-Your-Attitude, doesn't sound a million miles away from this:

"" i kind of get the rubber band and the cave thing but 3 months ? come on !! and you are supposed to thank him when he comes out the cave ? i just want to club him over the head !!""

:-)

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 3 2014 at 13:04
Member since: 19 August 2014
HELLO! (llo!-llo!-llo!...)

VICKP, ARE YOU THERE? (you-there?-there?-there?...)

ECHO! (cho!-cho!-cho!...)

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
VICKP
on Oct 15 2014 at 12:19
Member since: 03 September 2014
Hi Soulmate

Not been on for a while as things have been good the last couple of weeks, almost back to normal, he has been taking me out for meals, shopping, cinema etc, i had hopes, until last night, Knew it was to good to last, yesterday got home from work, tired as first day back after being poorly, grabbed the post sat down opened it, opened my partners mail by mistake wasn't even thinking, it was his bank statement, so i had to look, there was a bill on there from a travel company for over £200, i was so upset, i confronted him when he got home from work, completely denied he had done it, then went for a shower, came back down and said im going out i need to think i am not happy you have done that, i said compared to what you have done the last 3 months it's nothing, but i'm sorry i didn't open it on purpose, he said it's for me and my daughter i am taking her to london to see a band and stay over, but i don't see why i should have to tell you,he left and came home at 10pm, got into bed and didn't say a word, i said are you not talking he said no watch the end of your film, and turned over and went to sleep, i was so upset i hardly slept. this morning he spoke almost as normal and he said he would be home for tea, but i am so angry, at myself for looking and at him because he didn't tell me, and i don't know if i believe it's for him and his daughter, why did he keep it secret, i won't mention it again to him but i don't know how things will be now, if we are supposed to be a couple isn't he supposed to tell me things like that, even though things are not right, or was he mad because i have caught him out ? i am also hurt because he isn't taking me.He said he didn't tell me as he knew i would be mad, i am more mad he didn't tell me, i am so fed up.

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 15 2014 at 14:30
Member since: 19 August 2014
"I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD HAVE TO TELL YOU"????

Now, are those the words of a man who thinks of himself as more your mere lodger or are those the words of a man who thinks of himself as more your mere lodger!

VICKP, I do wish you hadn't asked him whether he was not talking. ANY SULKING BELONGS TO *YOU* IN THIS SITUATION! It should have been YOU not talking to him and HIM trying to get you to!

And FYI, it is VERY common for one or other couple to accidentally open each other's mail. VERY. I and husband do it all the time. Not that that makes any difference because we see each other's mail constantly, anyway. Nothing to hide equals no hiding. Pride at nothing to hide equals flaunting.

This situation is precisely what I was trying to warn you about. The more insults you keep getting subjected to, the more will-weakened and incapable you start to become at giving him What For or, better yet, telling him to GET OUT NOW!

It doesn't even MATTER whether his explanation is true or whether the trip is for him and a mistress. I mean, patently obviously it's the latter. But that's not even the issue. Either way, his "I don't see why I should have to tell you" is enough on its own to count as a major dealbreaker here!

Do YOU think it's none of your business if he spends £200 or if he's due to go away on some trip? Sorry, but aren't you and he supposed to be partners who share everything in a romantic RELATIONSHIP? How the hell is it none of your business! IT'S COMPLETELY YOUR BUSINESS!

Now note: if the trip truly WERE innocent all along in being for him and his daughter, why the need to initially deny he'd booked it? Answer: Because he couldn't quick-quick! think of a plausible-sounding LIE. He cooked up the daughter story whilst in the shower. He flounced off to the shower in the first place for that express reason.

The only reason he wasn't talking was because talking is dangerous, it allows you to question him, put him under pressure where he might blurt something revealing, like a guilty defendant under questioning in the dock by a barrister. That, even AFTER having gone out to think (see/phone the mistress and discuss the problem and what to embellish the draft story, more like).

He is now treating you even MORE like a Grade A gullible fool and piece of dirt than ever before.

Seriously, put yourself in those shoes. Imagine you'd booked a trip for you and your child, but just not had a chance to tell your partner yet. He then stumbles across the evidence and confronts you, obviously shocked, upset and concerned about what it could mean. You would IMMEDIATELY THERE AND THEN say, 'Hey-hey-hey, calm down, it's for me and X, I'm treating X to a break to London to see a band and I was going to tell you but hadn't had a chance yet, that's all!'. And then you'd give him a reassuring hug and apologise for having let that duty of informing slip. In fact, you probably wouldn't even have HAD to tell him because you'd have discussed it with him to see if he minded about the going away itself or the specific when, BEFORE going ahead with booking it.

So if it's none of your business, what does that make YOU? His effing landlady? (Whoopsie-daisy, Mr Blurtie, you let the cat RIGHT out of the bag with that one!)

Home for tea my arse. He can buy and make his OWN damn tea. And eat it in his own damn house. Or car. Who cares where! CHUCK HIM OUT, VICKP. NOW!

And what do you MEAN you won't mention it again to him? If you want to mention it again fifty damn times then bloody DO. It's your house he's living practically rent-free in, or had you forgotten that minor little detail?!

He hasn't. And that's why the to-date systematic campaign to destroy your confidence and strength thus your ability to throw him out on his ear. He doesn't want to have to move abode, ber-bom. Nothing else.

Please trust me, I've seen this a thousand ruddy times before. He is cheating on you sure as eggs is eggs and, worse, is using you and your hope and generosity whilst treating you like you are a nothing and nobody. Everything he's telling you is lie upon lie upon lie upon LIE.

Chuck him out. You have no other option.

Advertise for a lodger first if you really have to. But there is now no getting around the fact you have to chuck him out as quickly as you can. I have no other actual advice to give you because I'm not in the business of advising people on how to ignore the fact their co-rower of their little rowboat isn't doing an iota of rowing and keep rowing singlehandedly whereby it does nothing and goes nowhere but round and round in ruddy circles until she's so damn dizzy she passes out.

I mean - really.. What are you waiting for? The day he spits in your face?

Mid life crisis or over please help

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 15 2014 at 14:40
Member since: 19 August 2014
Here, let me put it more plainly for you:

You are not in a romantic relationship with him any more. He has dumped you but merely failed to inform you due to the fact that the lazy, misery beep-beep wants to stay for longer living under your roof with it's serious cut-price rent, provided meals, washing, ironing, etc., as frees up his disposable income enough that he can wine and dine and have sex with other women and/or continue his relationship with the woman who he's replaced you with.

Plainer:

This ex of yours dumped you in August and ever since then has been refusing to move out.

And that's okay with you, is it?

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