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Broken relationship with boyfriend, 2 year old son; please help

Posted by
TANTALUS
on Sep 4 2014 at 22:19
Member since: 04 September 2014
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category My boyfriend and I used to be very happy together when we met during college, and we are together for more than 4 years now. After our 1st year together he has been having these depression episodes because he wasn't happy with his life (basically he didn't know what he wanted out of life and he wasn't content with anything) and a few times he would try to break up with me but I would always try to make it work since I was madly in love with him.

Fast track to a year later, I get pregnant and at first he told me to get an abortion and we broke up. I wanted to keep the baby with or without him but since he was a good person, he stayed with me. From the beginning I have always told him that if we are not getting married and if you think you can't be happy with me then I would rather have this kid on my own. I eventually gave birth in my country in Vietnam and lived there for a whole year with my boyfriend, and that whole year he was miserable, unmotivated and lost. After one year I decided to finish my degree in Singapore so by the time I graduate my son won't even remember I left. So I bring our son to Norway where my boyfriend lives, and decided to let my boyfriend keep our son while I finish my degree in Singapore. That whole time my boyfriend never spoke intimately with me and when we speak he only tells me what he did during the day and our son's development; nothing about our relationship, no passion or connection at all. So I eventually meet this other man and I end up cheating on my boyfriend, and when I came to Norway for a visit my boyfriend found out about this. So by the time I finish my degree, I came back to Norway knowing that we were supposed to bring my son to Vietnam but just like that my boyfriend has changed his mind about bringing him to Vietnam. I then find out that my psychology degree in Norway is not recognized because it is a high profession there; and I would have to study back to zero to be a therapist or a counselor. By this time I have fallen completely out of love with my boyfriend, and I don't see the worth in staying in Norway. My boyfriend currently has a degree from the college we met but he decides that it's not the degree he wanted so he is taking a second student loan for another degree. I already know we are never going to get married, and that I am never falling inlove with him again because I am already inlove with someone else. I am forced to stay in a place where I do not belong and I have never felt so alone in my life. In Vietnam I will immediately have a job, a furnished house, a car and all the necessities sufficient for my son and I. But in Norway I will have to be a bum and bend and fold for my boyfriend whom I don't want to be with anymore. I find it extremely unfair that I have to learn a new language, look for any job that i can get, and pay for half of everything wherein if my boyfriend was in Vietnam his degree would be recognized and my family will even help him with job interviews, he wont have to pay for rent as i have a house, we will be able to have a nanny, and everything else will be secured. The thing is we have a two year old son. I just feel that if i am extremely unhappy my son will eventually see it too and will be affected with this no matter what happens. What should I do?

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Sep 5 2014 at 00:27
Member since: 27 December 2013
If it were just you, then you would know what to do, no-brainer there.

I am confused as to why you would leave a baby with a depressed, non expressive, unmotivated man.

Of course, this child knows you are gone! You should know by now (with your degree in psychology) - that these early years are the bonding years - and you have been gone.

So it comes down to the child and what is the best thing for him.

You may be facing a custody battle with this man. Have you explored your ability to take this child back to your homeland?

Reply from
TANTALUS
on Sep 5 2014 at 08:10
Member since: 04 September 2014
"If it were just you, then you would know what to do, no-brainer there.

I am confused as to why you would leave a baby with a depressed, non expressive, unmotivated man.

Of course, this child knows you are gone! You should know by now (with your degree in psychology) - that these early years are the bonding years - and you have been gone.

So it comes down to the child and what is the best thing for him.

You may be facing a custody battle with this man. Have you explored your ability to take this child back to your homeland?"

I left my son to his father because even if he is that way, he is a very good father. Leaving my child at one years old is better than leaving my child when he is older - at that age of course he needs his mother but I find it better than leaving him when he needs me more. Right now he is totally fine and we have a loving relationship.

I've spoken to the immigration here and I can actually leave with my son, my permanent residency makes it more viable for me to bring him out of here. My boyfriend tells me that even if it doesn't workout with our relationship or my career here, our son stays in Norway NO MATTER WHAT. And if there is a custody battle, I am afraid I will lose as I am jobless here and my boyfriend spent more time with our son. But the thing is, I can't just leave and take my son, that is not the right thing to do. Is it a better option to convince my boyfriend to bring him to Vietnam for "holiday"?

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Sep 5 2014 at 22:33
Member since: 27 December 2013
You need legal counsel. This might end up being a mess.

Is your ex's name on the child's birth certificate? Make sure you have legal papers for him showing he is your child.

Bring all your education documents. The court will want to know why you left this baby behind. You need to show good reason.

Reply from
EMSGIRL
on Mar 28 2016 at 00:16
Member since: 27 March 2016
Gender: Female
I know I am playing devils advocate here, but if your boyfriend, the child's father, wants to keep him and raise him and be a part of his life, you really have no right to just take him back to Vietnam. After all, he did a large part of raising him. His feeling matter just as much as yours. I suggest legal council and in the end, deciding where he (son) will have a better safer more stable life, better access to health care, etc. and go with that. Then just learn from the past and don't make these same choices again.

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?