I need advice, please!!!!!!!
hello i am really hoping to get some advice on my relationship, i would like to know if anybody else has experience similiar problems or what people would do if they were in this type of situation. I have been in a really lovely relationship for about 8 years, we have been together since we were both teenagers and are each others first love and only love or relationship. we are best friends and according to us and everybody we know we are a really really good couple and have an extremely healthy relationship in every way. we are together all the time and love each others company and make each other laugh so much. there is no jealousy, bitterness or rivalary in our relationship, it is a very stong deep and loving relationship, we are extremly happy living together and until recently planning to always be together. we have no children/mortgage/serious jobs or anything to tie us down. i will explain that since we first got together i have gradually put on quite alot of weight, when we met i was about a size 10 (i was also only 16 years old!) i am now about a size 16. apart from that i am pretty good looking and so is my boyfriend although he is still quite trim. to say that i find the weight gain depressing is an understatment, i absolutly hate it and feel i am in a rut with it. Our sex life has gradually slowed down in both frequency and excitement but i did not think this was related to the weight. My boyfriend has always been really affectionate and loving towrds me and i thought that my weight was only something that really bothered me. well i knew he didnt exactly love it but i didnt think it was really an issue. recently we got in a conversation about my appearance and after many hours of talking and me pleading with him to tell me what was on his mind he admitted that he is unhappy in the relationship. it was very very difficult for him to tell me this as he loves me very much but he told me that he hasnt found me sexually attractive for quite a long time, maybe two years. he says it has got to the point that he is masterbating in secret rather than have sex with me. he admitted that he thinks i have really let myself go and he thinks that as we are still so young i should be maintaining myself better and we should be enjoying our sex life. he feels he is missing out on a massive part of being young ( having sex all the time) and cant help not being attracted to me anymore. he said that when we are married and have kids he doesnt care what weight i am but when we are young he would like to enjoy having a fit girlfriend and an enjoyable sex life. he said he couldnt bring himself to tell me this previosly as he didnt want to hurt me. to be honest the relationship got to breaking point and the way i feel now is that if i dont loose the weight fast i will loose him. we are both really upset and i have decided to spend a few days away from him. on one hand i am considering hardly eating anything to loose weight quickly and make him attracted to me and feel happy again, i feel sorry for him keeping this to himself all this time. but on the other i feel if he doesnt love me like this, does he love me at all??? what should i do???? please help x
Well, now that you know what the key barriers are to your relationship developing or actually staying together, then I think that you can work on the issues as a team. I'd suggest finding something you could both enjoy doing together, that will help you get back into shape, and so that you are sharing the same life experiences - maybe you could start by doing some hill walking over the weekends or when you are both off work together? You'll probably find this easier to organise and commit to than in winter, so this time of year offers a great opportunity for you to do something like this.
If you prefer a more competitive activity, maybe you could play badminton or tennis together.
Don't blame yourself for the change in the sex part of your relationship - after all, many partners get used to sex with the same person and wonder what else is out there. Try to make your sexual experiences together more exciting, push the boundaries of your imagination a little, change your technique etc. If you always have sex in the same position or in the same room in your house, try and change these things.
Also try to work out if there are some expectations he has from you as his partner when you are having sex, that you may be able to fulfil - maybe he has some fantasies of his own.
Do you take enough time for foreplay, or has sex become something you still both want, but at different times? Maybe the right moment for sex needs to be created by you, so that you are both wanting it at the same time. Our lives are so busy these days, and there are so many distractions, that the timing of when both partners 'want' sex may differ.
Let me know what you think about these comments - is what I've said worth considering or do you think it is something else you need to work on?
Hi well at least ye seem to be able to talk about this. weight doesn't just fall off you have to work at it. You need to sit down with your partner and explian that you are going to start to work on yourself and you need his support. Cut out all junk food in your house if its there you will have it. when we turn 21 our metabolism slows down so its harder to burn fat. you will need help with this as you will have to have a scedule of what you eat and your exercise. maybe you and your partner could join a gym then you can get help from trainers join classes. it will take you an average of 2 months to lose about 20 pounds an average of 3 pounds a week don't worry if you don't reach your target every week. but do this for you not your partner as you need to satisfy yourself.If he leaves you then his is not worthy of you and shallow as looks aren't everthing. I hope this helps you
relationships go through ups and downs. I would just be wary that this 'weight' issue may not be the cause of the problem, but rather a symptom. If your partner loves you, then your weight really should not be an issue as attraction is more than just physical. I would look at the bigger picture. What if you work hard to lose weight and then your partner still finds that he doesnt find you sexually attractive?
To be honest, it sounds to me that your partner is going through a stage of wondering if he has missed out on his 'sowing wild oats'. You were together from a very young age. Most couples after 8 years together would be planning a family together and settling down. He may be getting cold feet. Wondering if he missed out on the 'fun' of having a promiscuous youth. All of this is understandable, but does not help with your problem. He may just be grasping at you weight as an excuse rather than addressing the feelings he has.
This is only my opinion hun, but it may be worth considering.