Is this the end? Going on a break
My significant other and I have been dating for 10 months. We had a discussion about how I want to be more involved with his family (I met them once) and how he wishes I would travel to his house, he's always at mine. I didn't realize this was such a big deal, but it is. We had some miscommunication. While this is something that can be fixed, he said he'd needs some time. We talked and hung out and things were normal but he said he doesn't just want to push forward because he's not where were in the relationship and cannot give and be in our relationship like he was right now and needs a break. He doesn't want to go forward half-heartedly and it not be right. However, he says that he'll call and stop by this week after work. He is in the process of moving and is working a lot recently. In this instance, I think that a break would be healthy for us too. He still says he loves me and cares about me but cannot tell me yes or no whether or not he wants us to work out right now, which I understand with everything going on. I just wanted some feedback so I don't stress too much. He's a great guy and we've never fought before. I am just hoping this is a bump in the road with us.
SOMETHNG happened to make him pull away and want some time for a break.
Can you think what it was?
Apparently the way the "miscommunication" was handled affected him and how he felt about you.
I take it you mean miscommunication regarding whether he was okay about constantly being Mohammdd to your Mountain?
I think he's simply taking advantage of the fact he's up to his eyeballs ANYWAY (men are very efficient like that) in order to underline everything he's said about you now taking your fair share at being Mohammed.
After all, you said yourself things were normal apart from this. AND he's still "stopping by" (note the attempt to make it sound chilled) this week.
He's just making sure you take his complaint seriously enough never to slip back into the old habit, I reckon (which is fair enough given that people do tend to do that, given the opportunity).
Just humour him, he'll come round.
The miscommunication happened when I he told me about his mom having a birthday dinner and cake for his sister and how he was going when I was driving home from vacation. I said that sounded nice and he said well we'd probably have room for you if you wanted to eat. That really wasn't an invitation to me but I told him to let me know what was going on and I came home and took a little nap and he texted me that he was there and they were there if I wanted to come and I missed most of it so I didn't go. Shame on me for wanting more of a "we" are invited to this. And on the not going to his house aspect we joked about how I haven't been there except a handful of times and honestly I would've gone over there anytime if he would've said, hey want to come over. I think we just got into a rut with our communication. I think saying that I wanted to spend more time with his family hit him because in his eyes it seemed like I didn't want to because we had bad communication with his sister's birthday so me bringing that up hit a nerve. I communicate when something bothers me, but he never brought it up until the discussion.
No, that wasn't an invitation, was it. It was more an invitation to invite yourself...not the same thing at all.
So basically he's been too tentative which has compromised his ability to communicate effectively; he's then not got the results he was after, feels aggrieved, and that must be *your* fault; he's bottled up these feelings where they've festered and grown until.... KABOOM!
(Typical under-assertive blokie who then relies on inappropriate over-reaction once he finds he can't take it any more.)
So, obviously, when you said you'd like to be included with his family more, he took that as a complaint and thought it a bit of a cheek considering...eeetcetera.
Yup, got it.
Anyway, *did* he stop by after work? What's the latest?
Actually, he texted me a few times the very next day, just small talk and to tell me to have a good day and then called me that night. However, I didn't hear from him yesterday (I had night class and he knew that) and today. I respect that he wants to have some time and said that I can text/call whenever but I don't want to rock the boat. It really is a thin line... ugh! Maybe if I don't hear from him I will send a message in the morning just saying hope your week wasn't too bad, thinking of you?
Sorry, but, we've just finished establishing that he's a HINTER. So did you not get the hint? He was saying he wants to see YOU make the chasing effort as well as him! That's not a thin line, it's a clear, in-yer-face sign (of the under-assertive variety). So you indeed *won't* hear from him - because he's waiting to see whether this is a balanced relationship (i.e. you value him as much as he does you), so yes, ABSOLUTELY, you need to text him!
If I were you, first opportunity I got I'd tell him could he please dare to be more straight-talking from now on because hints just go "WHOOSH!", over your head.
I just kept it simple: Hope your work week is going well. Thinking of you.
We'll see if I hear anything. Good lord this is difficult! I miss my best friend!
Yes, but the downside of missing him right now is just the cloud attached to the silver lining called, a much stronger bond and uppage of trust once it's all gotten sorted. Nothing worth having comes for free. "No pain, No gain". The greater the pain, the greater, ultimately, the gain.
Plus you're at the 8-10 months stage/phase which, like the first at roughly 2-4 months, is well known for producing gripes and fights. I have an explanatory analogy which usually simplifies and disempowers it all. (Are we sitting comfortably, children? Then I'll begin, LOL)...
The relationship is an armchair in which you're together trying to remain permanently seated. It's too big for one yet is just that bit too cramped for two...for two who haven't yet learned or experienced the motivation (amazing chemistry) to learn synchronised sitting, that is.
The armchair's seat-well is very deep, with a very plump thus ever-sinking cushion, depending on the weight (intensity) of the couple concerned.
At first, you both LIKE the fact of having to sit relatively squished-up together. But as the cushion (and you and he) start to sink more deeply from its centre, you get thrown together more. This takes 2-4 months.
This is when respective elbows and hip-bones start digging in and the heat increases. Here's where ones skill of asking nicely for their partner to shift a little comes in. If the intensity/weight has caused a more rapid than normal sinking, however, then this uncomfortable jabbing poses as a bit of a shock and disappointment. This latter issue can burst the Honeymoon bubble a little and cause one to question whether they even truly want or are ready for a seat made for two.
(Obviously, in with this is how each of you have learned to sit with A N Other.)
Neither of you wants to end up the co-seater who has to suffer less than your fair share of seating room *forevermore* (that's the typical, unfounded fear), so each of you are loathe to do too much changing of posture or shuffling over more towards the armrest (= compromising and taking a tiny step back to create a breather). Plus, being so close to the situation, it's never very clear whose style and shape is causing the most discomfort, anyway. Bickering can occur, as well as one or both of you wondering once more (not necessarily consciously) whether this co-seated situation is something you want or ought continue with.
(Men on the whole are more practical-minded so for them 'ought' tends to be the horse that takes precedence over the 'want' cart.)
If the two of you are meant to be, fair adjustment/s get done, whereupon you're both comfy for the time being again. Not only that, but each of you having witnessed the other's willingness to accommodate you out of care about your comfort creates the urge to sit closer together again.....aaand repeat (or not..not for a while, anyway, if the adjustment was a particularly clever one).
At 8-10 months, you and he might have thought you'd found an optimum seating arrangement, but the cushion has meanwhile continued sinking by another critical quantum, meaning the problem resurfaces, this time greater than before.
By now you usually feel you don't ever want to vacate this armchair in any permanent way, so either feelings get hidden and suppressed for the sake of harmony (pff, doesn't work) or mere bickering re-commences AND/OR one of you might get up and out of the seat in order to look back and thereby gain a greater visual vantage and perspective for identifying what/who exactly is the source of the problem (in order to fix it).
(Communication is key, here..albeit communication is merely the key to the keyhole called Respect as accesses the room called ForeverTogetherVille. No respect = key useless.)
This is what's just happened with you guys, with him the one to have got up and out for a while - either for said inspection or just to enable a breather (- being that extensively close is hard work on the psyche despite all the wonderful perks).
I suspect breather including allowing the new 'culture' (his ability to be more assertive and/or more attentively listened to in future) to take hold. Were he done with the armchair you'd not have heard from him, let alone so soon. Were he underhandedly endeavouring to keep you warmed and waiting on the side as he went in search of another partner and armchair to sample, he'd have insisted on him being the the contact controller. He didn't. He (cough!) "invited" you to take your share of control.
Your text was perfect other than possibly not befittingly melodramatic enough. They say women are the drama queens but (*ducks rotten tomatoes*) NUH-UH! Not when the man is very into you. Then his ego pride and radar is over-active in order to keep vulnerability (of being the love underdog) at bay, meaning his ego wants to see a befitting sense of abandonment along the lines of this: "Whaaaaaah, I can't live without yooou, I miss yooou toooo much, come back, whaaaah!" Obviously, longer term that's not a good idea because then you end up convincing his more sensible side of your being a weakling. So as you say, it's difficult to strike a happy medium.
I'd have said adding 'and missing you' at the end there would have been kinder as well as more truthful, given you don't mind telling *me/us* you do. However, you can always say it next time or send it on now as a PS. Because *nothing* makes a man feel more vulnerable than believing he needs you more than how he's taught it "should be" - the other way around or at least Even Stevens.
That said, it was a bloomin' good start. So obviously your instincts are working just fine.
Keep me posted, then.
I appreciate all of the advice! I'm doing okay today.
He ended up responding with a Just been busy and pretty crazy. So I just said hang in there xoxo. About a half hour later I got a update from him on how his packing was going and that the sellers of the new house suck and he's been on the run a bit after work and that he's working Saturday cause he closes on the new house Monday and needed off work. And that he'd call me today after work and just said goodnight.
I know he is stressed and I wish I could be there to help him out but again, maybe he'd rather just deal with things one day at a time. When he calls later, I am just going to lend and ear to him venting about it all and offer my help if he needs it. I don't know what else to say because I know how much of a pain it is to buy a house. It is very stressful.
"I said that sounded nice and he said well we'd probably have room for you if you wanted to eat. That really wasn't an invitation to me but I told him to let me know what was going on and I came home and took a little nap and he texted me that he was there and they were there if I wanted to come and I missed most of it so I didn't go."
Yes, that WAS an invitation. He was trying to ask you to come over, even though you were driving him from vacation. That's how young men (and some old) sometimes do inviting (off the cuff and spontaneous.) So YOU could have said, "I'm exhausted and sorry, I won't be able to make it." He was hurt and pouted. But you could have given him an excuse to tell his sister/mother. Maybe he got embarassed about the entire thing, who knows?
Learn from this - and let it go.
He sound like he's moved past this and is now dealing with another big stress of selling his house, anyway.
Yeah, I have to agree with Susie about his having moved on from it already - by the way he said, JUST been busy and pretty crazy. To me, that sounds like it belongs to a fuller sentance that goes, 'Nothing's wrong, I've just been [too] busy [which made me] pretty crazy.'
Tsk. Bloody men. LOL
Here, maybe if he has another moodie he can take it out on the removal men instead?
Well, he called me on Friday to see how I was and update me on the house situation. Towards the end when we were hanging up he asked if I wanted to come over Saturday if I didn't have plans, which was cool. I said I'd make dinner and bring it over. He said he'd let me know when he got home. I called him at like 6 and got his voicemail and said hey food is ready, let me know. Nothing. I waited about a half hour and figured I would just drive and drop it off, if he didn't want to hang out, at least he could eat. Drove over and knocked on the door and there was no answer. Didn't want to leave the food on the porch and tried calling and got vm again so I left. I know he probably fell asleep as when he works 6 days a week this is what happens.
I had his sister's bridal shower earlier in the day and he had texted me that he knew that I wanted to go in but wouldn't it be weird for me to see everyone since I originally did not want to go? I thought that was an odd message. I was initially afraid to go earlier because I don't know them well, but it was really nice to see everyone and I felt way better and very welcome. And I responded to him that I had a great day with his family.
Anyway, that's the latest update. I have no idea what's up but I'm going to leave him alone now I guess.
Uh-oh. This is no mere sulk. Or if it is, it's a huge one and he should damn well grow a pair of big knickers!
By asking if you have any plans for a Saturday night, all formally like that, as if you were new daters, he's demonstrating - either for real or just to upset you - that he's taken steps backwards.
And he's doing either of the same by asking wouldn't you feel weird about going to his sister's shower.
That he plain stood you up is totally unacceptable. A deal-breaker.
Why invite you in the first place? But to me, the fact he said he'd call you once he got home rather than having given you a firm time to turn up by, weakens/loosens the invitation at that point and turns it TOO SUBTLY into a loose, casual arrangement... a maybe. Sorry, but to me this smacks of him setting you up before knocking you down.
Is he normally this pettily vengeful?
You're going to leave him alone now YOU GUESS? Your 'significant other' of 10 months has just stood you up! And with too little reason! You GUESS???
What is he up to with this? Has he, following the 'fight' and claim to need 'space', immediately gone onto a dating website to shop around for someone 'more suitable' (someone who's going to slot into HIS life rather than the other way around or 50/50)? And has he then managed to procure a 'maybe, won't know til Sat eve' type of answer to a date invitation, and - because he's not ready to face a Saturday night all alone - asked you, but then let you completely down because said potential dater has suddenly come back with a firm Yes?? Or had he been cruising around on a website well BEFORE this 'discussion' that happened last Monday, come away encouraged about being able to replace you relatively easily and therefore deliberately CONTRIVED a fight so as to gain convenient justification for having enough space away from seeing you in order to continue cruising on the website?
This is certainly my suspicion now. It all fits. Agree?
On a not entirely separate note: If a man invites you to his place LIKE AN ADULT, let HIM do the cooking (or order a takeaway) like one. What on earth are you doing acting like a visiting mum to her college-age kid? And what the hell are you doing going to the effort of DRIVING HIS SUPPER OVER when it's already looking like he's standing you up? ...or was that just your excuse to yourself for going over and checking out whether he was in or not?
But, still, that excuse aside: Does this over-nurturing attitude of yours have anything to do with why he thinks he can behave like this and get away with it?
Whether he set you up for petty revenge, whether he was actually at home and had allowed himself to fall asleep without setting an alarm, whether he left you in the lurch because someone else last-minute agreed to a date - damn RIGHT you and your self-respect are going to leave him alone!
Robinski, if this were my boyfriend, he'd be my ex by now. The fact he and I had been together seemingly happily for 10 months would just make his crime MORE unacceptable, not pose as reason for making allowances.
It now appears he wasn't inviting you to do your share of calling/chasing to reassure him you were as into him as he is you. It was to reassure him you'd be his back-up gal (so that he won't ever have to be alone and dateless) during his expedition to try to replace you.
Sorry. I'm sure this sudden about-face on his part from 'great guy' to user a-hole is going to be hard to get your head around, but...unless he comes back- no, strike that - unless he's already rung you first thing Sunday morning all self-appalled and contrite - with some exceptional excuse and promise never to repeat it AND a keener attitude to indicate this period WAS just a petulant sulk - and an excuse that can actually be verified by you - then, 10 months or no, he's just proven himself a dud and you should be crying, 'Neext!'.
We actually talked for a bit yesterday. He apologized that he fell asleep we tried to make plans yesterday but I had things to finish up. He moves today. I know him well enough that he doesn't have anyone else or wants me as a backup. After being with his family, this also was solidified. He was happy that I went to the shower and his family was too. I think this move is just making him crazy. I will be supportive this week as he adjusts. He wants me to stop and see the new house today after work or he will stop at mine. We'll see what happens. I'm not stressing anymore, that's for sure!
That dinner invitation should have been confirmed with him better. He said he'd call you when he got home. Instead, you went ahead, fixed a dinner and took it over. Too much!!
Don't set yourself up for disappointment. Be sure you make better plans with him, since he also is in the middle of moving.
Guys are like that - they aren't much for details (like when, where, time, etc.)
When we talked on Friday I said I was going to be making dinner and would bring it over. He said that sounds good. Dinner was confirmed. He just fell asleep. This has happened before in our relationship to me and to his friends. He works too much and gets exhausted. Since he is moving starting today, I'm going to let him do his thing.
"We actually talked for a bit yesterday. He apologized that he fell asleep we tried to make plans yesterday but I had things to finish up. He moves today. I know him well enough that he doesn't have anyone else or wants me as a backup. After being with his family, this also was solidified. He was happy that I went to the shower and his family was too. "
PHEW! No harm in checking, though. ..on which note - just to be doubly sure: when you drove over there with his supper, I take it his car was there and that's why you allowed for him having innocently fallen asleep?
And I note you haven't addressed my question: was it he who phoned you to explain and apologise or did you have to chase him up? If it was him, what TIME did he call?
"After being with his family, this also was solidified."
In what way was it? Can you be specific?
Where exactly was he when he fell asleep? Upstairs in bed or in his living room? He must have known he was tired. He certainly knows himself and his history in that regard. So why didn't he think to set an alarm just in case? Have I and Susie correctly picked up on why he has this casual attitude towards his commitments to you when it comes to ensuring he performs befittingly with his relationship status and tenure?
YES, moving house is stressful, but I think we need to examine the evidence more closely just so's we can eliminate this suspicion rather than dismiss it on verbal statements of reassurance alone. His sister et al may not know any different to what he last told them. It's *actions* that can't lie. So let's just do the FULL workload of theory elimination so that you and we can be sure of what we're trying to advise on towards rectifying (if anything), yes?
You need to remember that we are technically on a break. I have trouble remembering this too. He's the one that has contacted me all this time, not the other way around. I think he's just waiting to move and things get back to normal with his stress level before he jumps back into things with me 100%. If he wanted to leave and end this relationship, he would've by now. His family doesn't know what is going on. He keeps things to himself and I certainly did not bring it up at the shower because I respect his privacy. Deep breaths.
No - YOU need to remember he insisted on a break, not me. People on breaks don't still see each other. Break means break. And having ones cake and eating it means having ones cake and eating it - getting to benefit from the perks of a break whilst still getting the perks of a relationship without doing the respective work as warrants and earns them - which you shouldn't be allowing if you yourself aren't getting what perks YOU normally gain benefit from.
Instead you should be taking advantage of your need to present yourself as the supportive 'friend' whom out of considerate concern is willing for his own good to leave him completely be, or in your case, discourage him from any contact full-stop OR which provides him with any such bf-related perk (even verbally-carried ones).
No work = No perk.
Robinski, you've failed to put paid to my concerns. Why wouldn't you wish to do so?
You've just admitted the reassurance you alleged his family's noises provided mean too little when you say, "His family doesn't know what is going on. He keeps things to himself". So what is/are your basis/es for feeling you know a man that well and how he can/can't operate that confidently after only 10 short months when there are men and women all over the world who've been with partners in the form of formal marriage that even after DECADES end up discovering they knew barely anything or that what they thought they knew wasn't real.
As I say, it would just be useful to be able to ELIMINATE any doubts from the enquiry table.
I appreciate all of your feedback. I'm just trying to stay positive before it drives me nuts!
Oh, well, at least you're being honest about it rather than are in denial. "I simplay can't WORK with people in denial, dwahlings!" LOL
Hopefully, you're right, anyway. I just like to err on the side of caution, you know how it is...
Let's just watch that space, then.
Well, the closing went well for him yesterday. I didn't contact him at all and received a phone call after work about everything that happened with it. I was very happy for him. He asked if I wanted to come see it, I said I had some things to do but to let me know when he'd be over and I'd see where I was. So I went to see it last night. Was all smiles and genuinely just so happy that this long process was over. Helped him unload a few things and just told him when I was leaving that I know things are awkward and I respect your space. I would help you anytime with projects around here, but I am not going to call or text you because I am respecting what you want right now. I said you know how I feel and that I love you but do your thing with this house. We hugged and he said he'd need a break from the business with his house and come over to hangout soon. I said ok. He was very nervous around me and I think a little scared. Anywho, I got a busy week of stuff ahead of me and just wanted to give a brief update. Obviously I am not sitting around and waiting. But since the break thing was not clear before, I made it pretty clear last night that I'm respecting his interests right now.
"Well, the closing went well for him yesterday. I didn't contact him at all and received a phone call after work about everything that happened with it."
TICK! to him. That's exclusive boyfriend behaviour.
"I was very happy for him. He asked if I wanted to come see it,"
TICK! to you and to him.
"I said I had some things to do but to let me know when he'd be over and I'd see where I was."
EXCELLENT PLAYING IT SLIGHTLY COOL LIKE YOU HAVE A FULL LIFE BESIDES HIM! TICK TO YOU!
"So I went to see it last night. Was all smiles and genuinely just so happy that this long process was over."
Hold your horses. This is a PROCESS, not a MacProcess. Things are not back to normal until normal has become SUSTAINED over a suitably lengthy period as can again be called the status quo. However, I agree it's looking good at this point in my reading.
"Helped him unload a few things and just told him when I was leaving that I know things are awkward and I respect your space. I would help you anytime with projects around here, but I am not going to call or text you because I am respecting what you want right now."
Probably won't have hurt, but FYI I personally wouldn't have given away my gameplan like that, because men take communication through actions more than words, anyway. Actions, including lack of, alone speak perfectly loudly and comprehensibly.
"I said you know how I feel and that I love you but do your thing with this house. We hugged and he said he'd need a break from the business with his house and come over to hangout soon."
Tick pending, depending on whether he follows through (I don't pay much credence to blah-blahs, either, but I appreciate his effort at reassuring you; it's a good start).
"I said ok."
TICK! (Madame Chilled, LOL)
"He was very nervous around me and I think a little scared."
Excellent! And I'm not surprised. 'Who *is* this chilled, confident, sassy woman? And is she being chilled or is it that she's secretly started to lose interest in me and look elsewhere?!'.
"Anywho, I got a busy week of stuff ahead of me"
How mightily handy. Fate is obviously rooting for you.
"and just wanted to give a brief update."
Mucho appreciat-o-ed, grassy a*se.
"Obviously I am not sitting around and waiting. But since the break thing was not clear before, I made it pretty clear last night that I'm respecting his interests right now."
Gold star, missus, and a high five to-boot!
Carry on like that and he'll be falling at your feet!
(I do hope other posters are reading this. "Dat's der way der do id, Dudy!")
Are you always this self-assured around him, btw? If you are, then I'm definitely going to go back to my suspicion about this being his attempt to treat you mean to make you reveal your keenness more... in which case, ha-ha to him for the fact the overkill/making you nervous thus over-attentive part has backfired. Serves him right. There are nicer ways to ask for or encourage greater heart-abandonment from the woman, and trying to unnerve her is not one of them (mleugh, LOL). But the good news is, you did definitely listen to him more attentively. So you've put his silly ego back in its box whilst reassured his sensible side.
I suggest that once you and he are fully/sustainedly back to normal - in order to discourage this kind of subconsciously-underhanded ego trickery again, you try to give ol' Pac-Man here greater attention and fairer share of playing Mohammed to his mountain as more closely befits his expectations of a 10-month lover. But now note this: the attention he wants is not of the mother variety, but the lover. He may well like your cooking but that's not what he's concerned about at this stage. I repeat, he wants to see you hand over your HEART, not protectively hide your heart behind the act of handing over a casserole dish INSTEAD. Capiche? No more trying to cheat, you
. You're either going to be brave enough to go for it or not, no in-betweenies.
Did you even realise that's what you'd been doing?
Why thank you Soulmate! I always enjoy reading your responses
I am usually calm, collected and chill, but this whole thing rocked my world a little bit!
Stay tuned, we'll see what happens in the future! I definitely learned from this. I didn't know I was doing it, otherwise, I wouldn't be in this predicament. Hopefully he will realize that I mean business and will change these ways NOW.
Whey, you're verray welcome, Miss Darcy, LOL. It's naice to know verbal diaorreah can be put to positive effect, air, yairs.
"Hopefully he will realize that I mean business and will change these ways NOW."
Yes. Albeit somewhat disheartening, it's very typical. It's a design defect, actually. Men are programmed to be as efficient as possible with their available energy (calories out less than calories in) and this can translate into laziness (if you let them), meaning they can see it as far more efficient and less energetic to emotionally manipulate more juice out of you, instead of how they're SUPPOSED to do it, which is to make you increasingly yield over time in response to being impressed by their sustained wooing efforts. In other words, he's being too impatient thus is being a corner-cutting wotsit.
If you don't let them take the lazy route, however, their sensible side really loves and respects you for it, which is why, typically, when asked why they married a woman, their responses are along the lines of this: "With her, I'm a better man".
Here - you might find this useful to keep handy:
If she is amazing, she will not be easy;
If she is easy, she won't be amazing.
If she is worth it, you will never give up;
If you give up, you are not worthy.
If he is amazing, he will not be easy;
If he is easy, he won't be amazing.
If he is worth it, you will never give up;
If you give up, you are not worthy.
"Relationships are hard, hard work". (Mainly because all human beings are part spiritual entity, PART TW*TTY APE.
This relationship is so strange. I really don't understand how you can have a "on a break" relationship. Is seems like if you cant stick through it through thick and thin then you shouldn't be together at all.
But if its working for you then ok. I personally am not ok with "breaks". If they can't move and work with me as support then we are not going to make it for the long haul. And 10 month is enough time to realize if you want to be with some one for a long time.
Well, guess what? One day of radio silence and I get a text asking if he can call me later. I waited a little to respond and said sure.
We talked last night and he said he was sorry for keeping me waiting so long, with us having problems and the closing, it was bad timing. I told him that I understood.
We are going to get together this weekend, probably Sunday and talk about our issues and try to work things out.
Send some good vibes my way!
Yaaaaaah. Don't believe him. He needed to take issue with you and just happened to choose a great cover story (just in case his endeavour backfired and he needed a female-appealing basis for getting forgiven).
Think about it: When life's stress gets too much, that's precisely when you're supposed to REACH for your 'teddy', not dangle it threatening over the side of your pram.
Anyway, excellent that you waited a bit. And, oh, yeah, you understand alright, doncha, LOL.
(Heh-heh, reminds me of what I used to say to married men if ever they (grr) tried to come onto me using that well-worn adage, 'My wife doesn't understand me'. My answer was always, 'Actually, pal, I think the problem is your wife understands you ALL TOO WELL'. :-p)
I'll pos-vibe in your direction, no problemo, but ...what's this about "PROBABLY" Sunday?
Explicas, por favor?
Definitely Sunday, but I'm just not sure of a time yet. I suspect he will call and text prior, I told him to let me know in advance. I don't know why I typed probably Sunday.
I appreciate the positive vibes!
Because he's instilled doubts in you, that's why. And unsurprisingly, seeing as how last Sat went PLEUGH thanks to him.
Well, I'm with you: I'm wondering whether this time he'll deliver, as well. He has to, though. Anything less would be relationship SUICIDE.
(It would, right?) (just checking)
One vital thing I need to ask, though: who suggested Sunday? Why wasn't the obvious choice - Saturday/Sat night - lover's day number 1 - mentioned? Or was it?
And another thing: why does he have to finalise the invitation? What prevented him from giving you a firm time and place to meet at the point where he issued the invitation (and then give you warning much nearer the time should anything unforeseen crop up as looked like posing a threat to the meet-up time or entire meeting per se)?
I presume it WAS him who issued it?
We did discuss Saturday. I have a lot going on that day and evening so we're not sure of Saturday. We agreed Sunday worked best because the move will be over by then too.
He initiated the plans. We will nail a time down. It was late when we spoke last night.
Hi Robinski, how are things today? I've just joined this forum and have been following your story on here with great interest. I admire your patience with this guy and hope everything works out for you xx
Some great advice given by Soulmate here xx
Assuming you're telling me the unbridled truth and not just trying to cover up for his inadequacies and failures...
Heh-heh. You're not giving yourself enough credit. Oh, I'm sure you DO have lots on Saturday. But short of having to perform open heart surgery, I'm sure you could have done those today, Sunday or Monday instead (plus one would think you'd want to help with the last moving day). Rather, I suspect "you" want him to have to suspect you've someone else sniffing around you like he's been making you do recently, a la, "Can't Saturday.... yeeeah....washing some bloke's-I mean my haair...yeeah".
"He initiated the plans. We will nail a time down. It was late when we spoke last night."
Ah, so, you two must also have had to end the call without saying your 'goodnights', etc., either, right? [smirk]
Now spill: who put off nailing the time down, there and then - you or him?
(PS: Cheers for the compliment, Bridget.)
I always forget to add the details! Shame on me!
Well, he was actually invited to the event too on Saturday night for my friend's birthday. I told him that I wasn't sure that I was going to go or not, but when we speak again, I'll have it figured out.
I know that he is not working on Saturday to move the remainder of his big items to the house. I did offer to help in the afternoon. I have a festival in the morning that I already committed to with my family.
Believe me, I'd rather spend my Saturday night hashing things out with my love than thinking about it all evening with my friends and getting myself worked up and becoming a basketcase in my own head for Sunday.
As for how we ended our call, we both said goodnight.
So long as he's respecting you and not calling all the shots. Hate it when guys feel the need to do that!!!
As one who is in the middle of moving, I do hope you give him the benefit of the doubt and realize he is in the middle of a storm.
It's hard to figure out if he's going to be like this all the time (his M.O.) or if he is just in chaos right now.
He has always treated me with nothing but respect, which is why I am fighting so hard for this relationship to work out, other than the obvious that I love him and want to be with him.
I've been very patient and offered support with the move, because I do know that is stressful and I'm sure that he appreciates my understanding.
Him making time to talk when things calm down this weekend is a good indicator that he cares and isn't taking our relationship lightly.
Thats good! Im glad to hear you feel respected and that you want to fight for the the relationship. Im sure he will admire the patience you've shown him, and you guys should be able to get back on track soon enough when he's settled in to the new place. Hope the chat goes well this weekend, and in the mean time, enjoy spending time with your friends/family
"I always forget to add the details! Shame on me!"
Ya do do dat, dough, doncha. Do you do it with him??? (Food for thought?)
It's called withholding, being over-guarded.
"Well, he was actually invited to the event too on Saturday night for my friend's birthday. I told him that I wasn't sure that I was going to go or not, but when we speak again, I'll have it figured out.
I know that he is not working on Saturday to move the remainder of his big items to the house. I did offer to help in the afternoon. I have a festival in the morning that I already committed to with my family.
Believe me, I'd rather spend my Saturday night hashing things out with my love than thinking about it all evening with my friends and getting myself worked up and becoming a basketcase in my own head for Sunday."
So in other words, you would have liked Saturday but daren't remind your friends you're a couple and risk fuller-blown humiliation in case it still could go splat until you know you are definitely back to being a couple. Correct? And then he who clearly is moving his stuff between abodes in CHUNKS, tried to save his face by saying it probably was better that he finish his removals first. Correct?
And as interim pre-compensation you offered to help him but he declined (in reaction to your telling him you weren't sure enough yet whether he's still your other half).
Yep, this attempt of his to squeeze more juice has DEFINITELY turned into a power struggle. Poker. Current move, mutual counter-bluff.
Poker's all well and good if you're excellent at it. But that, note, includes nerves of steel, which means NOT having to get all worked up about it and talk endlessly about it to your friends.
Not everyone can be good at poker. That's why you have other, faster, equally effective, less intellectually-draining games like Truth or Dare.
Here's a novel idea. Why don't you just bite the bullet and stop the nonsense by being the one to show him all of your cards? And then, if he still won't play nice/straight, he gets revealed in all his glory as the prat with the problem?
You did do that when you said you still loved him but were simply respecting his wishes. So why only now are you starting to let yourself get sucked into this silly poker game?
Suggest on Sunday you say (basically) this:
I love you and therefore want this relationship to continue on the same footing as before this hiccup started thus am prepared to try to find a solution to whatever is irking you. I'm not interested in childish breaks. Do you think married or cohabiting couples feature unilaterally-decided "breaks" any time things get a bit heavy or hairy? BE REAL.
If you can't experience ordinary stressors in accompaniment of a romantic partner or (in this case as you claim) vice versa, you shouldn't be trying to be in a relationship in the first place. You should be single... until such time as you ARE skilled enough to spin simultaneously the full number of adult lifestyle plates. Now, either you're in you're out (because I've got a future to be getting on with). WHICH!?
If he's testing your capability as his for-life, secret behind-closed-doors mum replacement and motivator, that'll impress him nicely. If he's a child who thinks a crystal vase (relationship) is something to kick around like a football or scratch to oblivion by using it as a Hotwheels' garage, he can find another immature prat to do it with!
You can issue that statement this Sunday or you can wait whilst you extend giving him the benefit of the house-moving-stress doubt. But if after he's completely moved in and had a few days to decompress and get back to his old, less pratty self, you have to issue it.
I'd say one week at the most. Agree?
YES, relationships feature a bit of game-playing. But whether something is tolerable or productive all comes down, as per usual, to *degrees*. Neither too little yet neither too much, as Dr Suess would say. There's stress hiccup and then there's taking the p*ss.
So that's Plan B sorted. You agreeable?
I fully plan on laying all of my cards on the table.
Fairenoughski! Because remember... What defines a relationship as over is NOT what the melodramatic mouths might yell, but whether or not after whatever APPROPRIATE period of time, the guy tries to get you back (when he's the one at fault, I mean).
(This is just Plan C, btw. If you've got plans a, b and c in place as well as straight inside your mind, you'll perform that much more confidently without the aid of a prepared mental script as tends to stymie and distract.)
Dare to end it or see it ended because the singing Fat Lady always knows better than the pair of you put together, anyway.
What is your idea of an appropriate timeframe? Mine used to be 4-6 weeks (allowing for the normal strength of mind range). I feel if a man can manage to live without one whisper of me for 6 long weeks (the emotional definition of 'long', I mean) without feeling like his life was over unless he could get me back, then he'd demonstrated undeniably that he could do so for another 6 weeks...and another....basically forever, and it was Sayonara, baby! :-p
So what's yours?
My time frame is about a month. If you can't figure your sh*t by then, you never will! It will be two weeks on Sunday, although it's felt like an ETERNITY!
No, I meant timeframe from when the relationship gets called Over, not from when a break was called. Particularly as I saw very little 'break' in all of that.
If - IF this Sunday you/he says it's over, THEN that clock starts.
Nice try at cutting the waiting time, though. LOL
(Yoi'll haffter get up oilier dan dat ter pull der wool over *dese* peepers. ;-p)
HAHA ohhhh, my answer still stands, a month!
Good plan, doubt you'll need it.
Keep me posted as per.
Well, after two days of not hearing from him, I heard from him last night and told him that I didn't go to the party. He asked if I was up for coming over and watching a movie.
I ended up going over with two movies and we didn't do anything but talk about us the entire time. Long overdue!
We both agreed that our communication needs to improve. Duh.
He expressed that he felt like I didn't want to get to know his family and and I expressed that I haven't had too many opportunities to see them! Of course I want to get to know them. I guess after us dating for 10 months, he was leary about continuing things since I haven't spent much time with his family, but again, I haven't had the opportunity.
He said that it was awkward for us seeing each other after his closing. I said of course it was, we had a break, haven't seen each other for a week and we were both nervous.
We talked about moving forward. We are going to take things slow, not jump back into it because we are just not in the same place now that we were before because of this little bump in the road. Although, I would love to get back to where we were like now, I am patient and he is worth it.
He knows that I took everything to heart to improve things on my end and that I never wanted to upset him. Since we are older and set in our ways, change is more difficult for us. I guess we will see where it goes!
I appreciate all of the advice and input over the last few weeks. xoxo
YOU DID IT *AGAIN*, LOOK! HIS invitation to play film venue, his responsibility to buy/rent the film!
Did you rent the movies? Did he pay you back? I'm betting not.
Aside from anything else, it's this over-giving, over-accommodatory nature of yours that in men's eyes, no matter HOW much they love you, reflexively tips you from Understanding Woman to DOORMAT. This means they're all the more likely TO behave badly on you. Because - just like mummy - no matter WHAT they do, you'll always be there, always forgiving and still loving them, unconditionally. (I mean, have you never wondered why toddlers are good as gold for their nursery teachers despite at home with mum they're little devils? It's because they know SHE won't reject them (or worse).)
This is not the mother-child relationship as features those rules. This one is CONDITIONAL: tit for tat symbiotic. "No work, NO PERK". You providing the work (films AND you going to his house rather than his making the effort to come to you) is you pre-paying him in the anticipation of good behaviour. It's cash on delivery or 14 day invoice when you're in a newly colder climate, Robinski...*particularly* when the guy is already in work-for-perks deficit!
Cease that over-giving, over-helping behaviour unless it's in recognition of efforts HE'S recently made. (Jeez, next you'll be tying his shoeslaces.)
Right, that's that bit dealt with, now onto the rest of your message...
"we didn't do anything but talk about us the entire time. Long overdue!
We both agreed that our communication needs to improve. Duh."
LOL. Obvious to you, yes. Not so much to a man.
"He expressed that he felt like I didn't want to get to know his family and and I expressed that I haven't had too many opportunities to see them! Of course I want to get to know them. I guess after us dating for 10 months, he was leary about continuing things since I haven't spent much time with his family, but again, I haven't had the opportunity."
So you both have differing attitudes on this score (no doubt due to how past exes primed you). He's used to pushier women who invite themselves based merely on a whiff of a hint, and you're used to pushier, more anal men. So in reaction to the exes, he Pendulum Swung to a more passive woman in that regard whilst you swung towards a less pushy man. LOL. You both just need to readjust your dials back down a little to suit the fact you're both different from the past norm.
"He said that it was awkward for us seeing each other after his closing. I said of course it was, we had a break, haven't seen each other for a week and we were both nervous."
Correct. And I note how you end up playing emotions interpretor for him.
"We talked about moving forward. We are going to take things slow, not jump back into it because we are just not in the same place now that we were before because of this little bump in the road."
ROT! Absolute ROT! Scrap all of the above!
You do NOT need to take things slow once you've identified the source of the - by his own admission *minor* - contention and its piss-easy solution! You just need to proceed with implementation of said solution!
Who's brilliant idea was that? His?
Warning, warning, warning: Using Whilst Phasing Out Alert!!!!
The ONLY reason he can have for still insisting things stay needlessly distanced is to give him room to test-run other candidates or because he's now unsure over whether he wants a proper relationship at all (not just with you), but doesn't want to give up the perks of one in the meantime!
BACK OFF, Robinski. MAJORLY. If he's not agreed to put you and he back on the same footing as before and is insisting on keeping you at arm's length as translates to CASUAL, you are no longer beholden to him as his exclusive and committed beau any more than he is to you, which means you equally are a free agent and can behave accordingly, including dating around again.
"Although, I would love to get back to where we were like now, I am patient and he is worth it."
What about what YOU'RE worth to HIM?
So evidently it *was* his idea! Definitely back off. Remember, the planned ultimatum was All or Nothing, nothing in between.
"He knows that I took everything to heart to improve things on my end and that I never wanted to upset him. Since we are older and set in our ways, change is more difficult for us. I guess we will see where it goes!"
Trust me, there is nothing needs any improving to *that* extent, and neither are perfectly minor, bog-standard adjustments beyond the capability of even your pension-age daters. This is all just his great cover-story and excuse to back off and create room to play whilst the cat's kept away. First this slight lack of perfect communication, then that he was stressed through moving, now - ridiculously enough - the fact that he introduced a break as created a sense of alienation in the first place!!
Can you not see how ridiculous his claim is?
"I appreciate all of the advice and input over the last few weeks. xoxo"
What, you think you're DONE here? Hopefully, given what I in my wisdom and extensive experience have just explained to you, you are not. You put up with this nonsense for one second longer and I guarantee you, you'll just find out in however many months' time that you were all this time getting gradually demoted with a view to hopefully being phased out. The minute he finds his particular idea of a more suitable candidate, not only will you be history but you'll find he never again experiences such need for 'space' from *her*. By month 10 he'll probably have proposed to her!
My advice is to dump the dud and see whether that'll make him appreciate what he had now it's gone or at worst limit any more time wastage on your part.
Sorry, Robinski, but you have to trust me on this because I've seen this little (usually male) ruse get implemented on unsuspecting partners, time and time and time again. It bears all the characteristics...classic textbook case.
So you have two choices:
[a] avoid the inevitable by dumping him toute suite
[b] proceeding with both eyes open as you use him whilst YOU seek a better replacement.
And that is it.
Sorry, mate. I know it's hard and feels horrid. Unfortunately, it is what it is and just means this guy does not have you name on him, but that the next or the one after that (probably the next), does.
I repeat, simplified: a 'bump in the road' does NOT split the car right down the middle from head to tail, leaving only some tenuous link. If it does, it just means the car was already on its last legs or was a lemon to begin with.
And I'm not alone in knowing this textbook underhanded tactic, either. Here, have a cup of Beautiful South 'morning coffee', Robinski, and then maybe you'll stop making excuses for him as well as buying into his:
I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own
I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little
Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isn't it, isn't it
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasn't it, hasn't it
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust
I need a little room
To find myself
I need a little space
To work it out
I need a little room
I need a little
You need a little room for your big head
Don't you, don't you
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Won't you, won't you
Lips that promise fear the worst
Tongue so sharp the bubble burst
Just into unjust
I've had a little time
To find the truth
Now I've had a little room
To check what's wrong
I've had a little time
And I still love you
I've had a little
You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you
The Freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad
I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room
To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time