Really fed up
Im really fed up with my husband changing jobs over the years. I met him yrs ago and he worked in a office as a internal salesman now he works out on the road. He is again going abroad for 4 days like he done years ago for 5 days. He as been to the same place a broad twice now this new place. I have raised our children who are now all teenagers yet im still here like a fool watching him go off again for training because he as started another job and he will say the same thing he ssid yrs sgo, I WONT BE GOING ABROAD EVER AGAIN AND IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN yet here again he is. Its not so much because I miss him I do but i am so used to being by myself as I dont see my family I dont have any friends used to him staying away over the years its more to do with going abroad and nice hotels nice meals getting away from the house whilst I never stay away from him and the last time I stayed away was over a year ago and years ago I stayed at my sisters and I noticed that my husband couldnt stay in the house he took the kids out and I think because he realised its not nice being in the house when your partner is away and its lonely sleeping by yourself but I have done it for years and he just says if I had the job he would just get on with it but if I changed jobs as much as him and everytime I started a new job and had to stay away or go abroad he would feel resentment like I do and hatred towards the job. I feel I need to leave him because I have had enough. He doesn't understand why I feel like this. He said he cant do nothing else and this is all he can do and he as to make it work now because he as changed jobs so many times. I hate that I depend on him to pay bills rent and know that if he didnt have this job we would be homeless. I said if we had enough money and I was working we could use that he would he give up this job and he said he would but I dont think he would because he is lucky to stay away when he wants to go abroad and comes back to a soft bitch still here going no where and thinking how lucky he is to be him and ive had it with it all. Im 43 hes 48 been together 22 yrs married 18. Im sorry I ever met a sales man sorry I had the children so young when I should of done something with my life I should of had a career travelled now I feel I watched him do it all and I hate him. He said he doesn't like staying away, misses me and the kids but as to so it makes me laugh that hes never looked for another job. He gets £2000 a month do as got used to more money and would get alot less if he got anothrr job but it will never happen. He said if I had friends he would come back and then I could go off and stay away the same time because the children can look after themselves now. We have had a night away here and there he said we will go away for two nights at the end of this month I think only because he is having 4 nights away so feels bad. I last stayed away in a hotel by mysrlf over a year ago and its no fun staying by yourself. He doesnt have any friends either and is parents are dead and he doesn't bother with his brother so he only ss me and the children like I do with him. He said he isnt one of those guys who goes out drinking each weekend because he isnt bothered and because he as no one to go with. He only as the men from work to drink with when he stays away .
Wow, Sunset. I hear confusion.
It's his changing jobs too often.
No, it's not, it's the fact it entails his getting 'holidays' and me not.
No, it's not, it's the fact he made a promise he clearly couldn't or didn't want to keep.
No, it's not, it's the fact I miss him whenever he's gone.
Actually, no it's not because I'm used to it.
Actually, I never get used to it, seeing as how I don't have any friends nor contact with my family thus am over-dependent on him in this aspect as well as too many others and lack as much routine and stability as I'd like.
Actually, it's because he has to work, period... or because he could do some other job that didn't fail to suit *me*.
Actually, it's because despite we're married, his lifestyle is much nicer than mine and only he's fulfilled, plus he doesn't sound keen to take a wee break with *me*.
No, it's not, it's-it's-it's...
Now that you've had good vent, do you think if you tried to write how you feel again it would come out more coherent and pinpointed?
4 - 4 - 4 DAYS away from your husband and you are in such a state of hysteria?
Clearly, THIS is not your problem.
Perhaps because you have no sense of SELF- you have revolved your whole life around his work schedule. And now the kids don't need you as much and there you are - an empty shell.
Soulmate is right: What IS the real issue?
So how would you feel if your husband went away over the years days at a time and getting told it wont happen again then it does? and not staying away yourself and keeping the house going running kids around whilst hes enjoying himself. Its all very well saying its only 4 days and I haven't a life which is true and I know im a fool for wasting my life whilst hes had a good travelling one but you dont know how you would feel if it happened to you
So how would you feel if your husband went away over the years days at a time and getting told it wont happen again then it does? and not staying away yourself and keeping the house going running kids around whilst hes enjoying himself. Its all very well saying its only 4 days and I haven\'t a life which is true and I know im a fool for wasting my life whilst hes had a good travelling one but you dont know how you would feel if it happened to you
"So how would you feel if your husband went away over the years days at a time and getting told it wont happen again then it does? and not staying away yourself and keeping the house going running kids around whilst hes enjoying himself. Its all very well saying its only 4 days and I haven't a life which is true and I know im a fool for wasting my life whilst hes had a good travelling one but you dont know how you would feel if it happened to you"
I would feel he'd made a promise he wasn't able to keep, him not being Mystic Meg with a crystal ball into the future.. a promise he'd made at the time possibly just to placate you and/or that demonstrated he'd HOPED it wouldn't have to feature in future. I would appreciate that having to go on work trips just for a few days each year was part and parcel of his profession. And then, once he'd driven off each time, spin around and around the living-room yelling, 'Finally - a bit of Me Time, wheeeeeeeee!'. But that's because my husband is very intensely into our relationship together and has a huge appetite both for taking and giving. He's like Pepe Le bleedin' Pew 99% of the time. AND he works mainly from home. And I have a life aside from him, meaning when he does go away (which is - get this! - back to France to see his daughter and rellies, collectively for 2 whole months each year in the form of 1 month followed by 2 weeks + 2 weeks), I have plenty to do aside from enjoying peace and quiet in my own company.
So yes, I already know how I *could* feel were I not the resourceful type with a prior history of independence that I can still fall back onto during such breaks.
Are you SURE this is all this is about? It seems an overreaction to me, for you to be stating in your venting that you hhhhate this and hhhhhate him, etc. I mean, who told you he was having FUN whilst on his work travels, anyway? Was it him? Because if it was, I wouldn't bloody believe him, I'd know what he was trying to achieve.
As for this: "We have had a night away here and there he said we will go away for two nights at the end of this month I think only because he is having 4 nights away so feels bad."
And he's bad for feeling bad over the fact you feel deprived and wants to make up for it? How does THAT work?
Have you met someone else whose advances you feel tempted to start accepting and are feeling guilty thus trying to lessen it by making him out to be a bad guy and yourself and what you're considering embarking on altogether excuseable? Sorry if that offends, but I have to ask because I just can't understand your OTT attitude otherwise.
Soulmate your husband is intense mine isnt so maybe thats were we differ.
I get fed up with my company and don't enjoy watching tv by myself for days at a time and shouting from the roof tops that I can do what I want. What do you do when hes goes away I want to know how you occupy yourself and going to bed alone night after night. I am not seeing anyone behind his back to make me hate jim and his job and his going away. I just stay in night after night like a sad person I am whilst he is having nice meals drinks out and I know this because he texted our daughter to say he had been out. He says he doesn't like it when he stays away but wont give it up and look for something else and I know its because he loves it why else carry on doing it. He was going to go away without getting any food in and didn't ask me if I had money to get it for our three children. He was just going to bugger off. Isnt that selfish? Tell me if you were me now what would you do I need to know
Im thinking of sleeping out myself when he gets back even sleeping in my car because I dont want him thinking he as had time away and soft fool me is still here when he gets back.
Also he stayed out last Saturday so he had money for that then lied and said he tried to tell me he was going on the sunday which he didn't at all. So he is a liar and selfish man to me. He said the kids are better of with me and I agree. I think he just wants to lool after himself and no one else matters and you wonder why I hate him. When he comes back there will be no talking and I don't think I want to. I will just end up arguing with him and telling him to stay away. Do you and uour partner stay away much or is he like mine looking after number one
"Soulmate your husband is intense mine isnt so maybe thats were we differ."
"Theere it iiiiiz...There it izz what tooook us..so lo-o-ooooong, ooh, to find your problem, ba...by".
And, are you kidding? I LOVE having the entire bed to myself!
No, I wasn't suggesting you were already seeinng someone. The point and emphasis was on TEMPTATION. Have you started thinking 'What if?', even?...imagining a different lifestyle were you with some other bloke?...and - now - one that is more attentive and romantic towards you?
He's taking you a little too much for granted in his mind, by the sound of it (you). Not deliberately or knowingly. But he feels TOO safe..always knows where you are, who you're with (not with), etc. To a bloke, even when he adores the very bones of you, that's boring (or uninspiring if you prefer). Men love a relationship to still feature a soupcon of The Chase, to feel they've never ENTIRELY got you. It adds excitement, and then they behave accordingly.
If you don't have the time to put remedials in place and want to spice things up now-now-NOW then there are ways and means to fake it in order to make it. Change your hairstyle, buy new clothes, start wearing nailpolish, start smiling and humming, cease being immediately on the end of the home phone whenever he rings...that sort of thing. I'm not suggesting you try to portray yourself as an adulterer, just enough to reflect what would happen if you'd found a new group of inspiring friends, say. And MEANWHILE start investigating any social clubs (or charities) that centre around any interests of yours. I mean, I take it you're not a kept woman in terms of having to go cap in hand to him any time you need the slightest bit of cash? I also take it your kids are in school/college during the daytime?
The upshot seems to be that he's a "cat" - happy to be a loner aside from you and the kids - whilst you're a dog, always having TRIED to fit into HIS way of being/living.
He may be eating nice meals, but, trust me - when the conversation is mainly all about business, that quickly becomes boring as hell. He's probably just an upbeat type who thinks, 'Mustn't grumble...' and sells his day or week as having been just great.
Why else carry on? BECAUSE IT'S HIS GENDER-BASED *DUTY* TO EARN THE MOST OPTIMUM WAGE HE CAN FOR HIS WOMEN AND CHILDREN. So if this profession and all the intricacies it entails is the one he feels most confident and comfortable towards, then that's that.
"He was going to go away without getting any food in and didn't ask me if I had money to get it for our three children. He was just going to bugger off. Isnt that selfish? Tell me if you were me now what would you do I need to know"
Sorry - I tend to type as I read to keep my reactions authentic. I didn't know he was a typically inconsiderate, non-multi-mind-tasking blokie, LOL. Listen, what's wrong with YOU alerting him to the fact you need housekeeping money? Isn't that YOUR gender-based role? That part isn't necessarily selfish but it does smack of total obliviousness.
Saying that, you've answered my above question: clearly, he DOES control all of the money. Well, that's very draconian, plays no part in an 'equal' power-share relationship, and has to stop.
So I'm getting a clearer picture now. He's more into family than anything else yet is a bit chicken, meaning he daren't be all that demonstrative nor give you any means TO (his fear) LEAVE HIM. This is stupid, it eventually becomes a negative self-fulfilling prophesy. (Well, LISTEN to you and we rest our case!)
You're going to have to self-assert towards that getting altered by way of you having free access to THE *MARITAL* WEALTH.
Have you ever complained about this?
You didn't tell me what you do when your partner is away so whats your job, who do you see, where do you go when he's not around? How long have you been together, any kids? I have cheated on him with so many men and he knows this. i tjimk its because i want to meet someone so different from him
I go on dating sites now because I think he is cheating on me I have no evidence but there's been times when I have had gut instincts. I met a man a week ago but walked away because he looked to old from his photo on the site. He as said he doesn't take me for granted and I do wear nail polish, my hair done regularly, dress nice and I make the effort to look nice. Yes I see your point where he does take me for always being there and knowing were i am but I have told him many times if I had somewhere to go I would of went long ago like I was going to do years ago but he stopped me and now I wished I had gone. i wished when he gets back that i could go myself and let him be alone all week and see what its like and take all my stuff like im not coming back to show him not to play on me
dont ask for money as I have my own and wouldnt ask him for anything as I feel independent without asking him
He normally gets all the shopping and he pays all the bills and that's how its always been. I have always compared him to my sisters husband who I fancied andsaid why couldn't he be like him because he works full time comes home and does jobs in the house where's he comes home everything is clean and tidy and the only thing he does is cook because I dont like it and havent cooked much for him since I met him 22 yrs ago. He will cut the grass but that's only when it gets teally bad and I say about it. I see I have been do much a stupid pathetic fool taken for granted by that b.
What a mug ive been. Do you think im stupid if i change my name by deed poll so I no longer have his surname and its a way of not being connected to him and its because I think if I divorced him?
My personal life is neither here nor there, Sunset, other than my stating that I like my life and that (and in large part *because*) my husband is the centre of my universe (mutual), that we have every proof so far to enable us to believe we're true, for-life soulmates despite Fate saw fit not to cross our paths much earlier in life, say back in our 20s.
You don't need a contrast by which to compare, all you need to know is BOTH you and your husband are crystal-clearly not happy - thinking/behaving accordingly - because your relationship has been allowed on both parts to become a MESS...layer upon layer of individual and shared negative issues from negative attitudes, behaviours and events that are directly, MAJORLY counter-productive and -conducive when it comes to wedded bliss.
Do you deeper down want this man and marriage or don't you, yes or no? I hear no one minute and then suggestions for woefully inadequate remedial measures the next followed by downright petty, vengeful ones. You cannot possibly make any move in any direction - positive or extricatory - until you're certain in your mind which way is even UP!
The only advice I can give you, therefore, is to seek couples or individual counselling, either to help you both stop and reverse the rot in order to get back to being happy like you must once have been (in order to have married), or to help you and he to mentally prepare to part ways amicably like the mere stepping stones you co-represent, and as painlessly as possible for the sake of your children's present and future psychological welfare and eventual calibre as mature adults.
Frankly, I'm surprised this no-brainer seems never to have occurred to you?
But certainly, this calls for more work than ANY advisor would have the means and wherewithal to tackle via purely a forum. So that's your next logical, mature step: seek face-to-face help.
We had two years of marriage counselling on and off but it still didnt seem to work. I recently cheated on my husband with a man I met from a dating site and stayed out tthe night with him
I have met him twice. I really fancy him and he is so good in bed. He even said did I believe in love at first sight which I said I did but dont really and he said he could fall in love with me and then said he did love me and said he kissed me softer and was gentle with me not like he would with others
He took me for a meal out and breakfast the next day and said if he was just after sex he wouldn't of done them things. I have only met him twice but I really like him
He lives with his mother he is 41 years old no car waiting to hear about a job contract so really as nothing to offer any woman but I like him so much. He is on dating sites and said only because the girls are friends and they live far away and he hasn't many friends so will keep in touch with them. He said he now as me so doesnt want anyone else. He said he loves me and to trust him. My husband as recently came home from his works trip but im thinking of the other man and I told him I stayed out the night but met up with friends. I told him I stayed out to show him I wasn't stuck in house like I always am whilst he is away eenjoying himself
I had loads of texts from the other man and I had to delete them cos my husband wanted to check my phone. He knew he had saw I had got rid of alot of messages which I didn't want to do.
This was just more or less a one night stand wasnt it and I got used even thou I don't want to think I did. I want to believe he loved me but how can anyone after meeting only twice.
Yes, Sunset, 'on and off' does tend not to work. Ironically enough, it takes a committed attitude and a willingness to face the truth WHEN ASKED FOR IT in order to deal with it immediately without faffing around.
So I was right that I could hear demonizing. You don't know for a fact your husband's cheating yet you've convinced yourself it's true and are blowing up out of all proportion all of his faults and those of the marriage BECAUSE YOU'VE CHEATED AND ARE TRYING TO LESSEN THE SENSE OF GUILT BY TELLING YOURSELF YOU'RE JUSTIFIED - because, look, he's such a pig you'd be dangerously miserable if you didn't, meaning ANYONE would.
No, they wouldn't.
Just do the decent thing (if he won't) and petition for a divorce under irreconcilable differences. And realise you're in an highly vulnerable state right now thanks to your chronic state of stress which affects your perceptivity, judgement, your whole ability to think straight and make sensible decisions. In which case, stop swallowing the things this flakey cuckolder knows you want to hear just to fast-track himself into your bed and affections on a guaranteed basis (one-way guaranteed, that is).
I mean, what a thing to admit - that if he'd just wanted sex he wouldn't have taken the woman out for a meal first nor breakfast the next morning! What's he trying to tell you? That normally he just hands over a wad of cash or not even that considering the types of women he sh*gs are so desperate and needy they don't even insist on any pre-wooing? Is THAT what you've got on your hands right now? "Noo Noo"? Great.
If you have marital problems then it'll be by whatever degree down to your share of interpersonal inadequacies when that up-close and personal, be that how you act or how non-sensibly you choose to react (or both). It's called co-creation (go Google). So if you take woefully little time (or in your case, none) following the breakdown of any critically problematic relationship to self-critically reflect and process in order to next time 'add this or cut out that out' of your remit of behaviour and/or alter the criteria against which you tend to select/accept and 'interview' a man towards establishing his long-term suitability and compatibility, then - FACT - you'll just end up instantaneously *transferring* the one same or uncannily similar relationship (as it now stands) from coupleship A to coupleship B, or repeating it all from start to finish.
Think actors on a stage where [a] your co-star gets substituted halfway through for the stand-in actor, or [b] a re-run. Same stage, same production, same scenes, ...same 'ol sh*t come the arrival of Act No. Whatever.
So this attempt to leap from one partner and relationship to the other almost seamlessly will NOT be your easy, effort-free way out of this mess. It has proven since time immemorial to do nothing but come back to bite you on the bum later down the line, yet far harder than it would have back at the time.
'He said, he said'. SO WHAT? People met *Hitler* twice and thought *he* was very nice! And Eva Braun likewise 'really fancied him'. PFF.
What's he like when the bins need taking out or cooking or hoovering and you can't? What's he like when you and your kids are poorly or seriously ill? How's his sense of financial savviness, responsibility and benignity? Does he like kids?...other people's? Can he handle them? Is he careerworthy enough to be even a co-provider? Is he empathetic, sympathetic, proactive, generous, affectionate, supportive, humble, self-critical, honest, cooperative, sociable, still good in bed after he believes he's finally "got you"...? IS HE TO ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES MARRIED (to mummy)? You haven't got an ucking clue (aside from what he chooses to tell you)! For all you know he could be worse for you than your current husband.
In fact, you can tell already. FORTY-ONE AND STILL LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER AND DOESN'T EVEN OWN A CAR OR HAVE A JOB??? I'm not SURPRISED he's gushing his face off. He knows ordinarily he wouldn't stand an icicle's chance in HELL at bagging a woman of your grade and status! Not unless he swooped and pressure-sold before she emerged from misery, neediness and confusion.
As for this: "He is on dating sites and said only because the girls are friends and they live far away and he hasn't many friends so will keep in touch with them." Yeah, RIGHT. It's called he can't commit. Can't commit to a job, can't commit to adulthood including taking responsibility for paying rent/mortgage and utility bills, can't commit to responsibility for another person's ongoing welfare, can't commit to lifting all that much of a finger, CAN'T COMMIT TO *LIFE*. So certainly can't commit to one woman.
He's sh*t. And his sh*tness is MANIFESTLY TANGIBLE.
You're feeling low so you're choosing/considering accepting low, all for the sake of an elastoplast (when what you need is stitches).
Furthermore, irrespective of this hypothetically insta-replacement's lack of adult capabilities - what about yours? Would you start cooking an intricate meal on one hob only to 2 hours in abandon it and start it anew on another hob the minute the sauce started going lumpy and the meat starting to burn, and without even turning off the hob rings (let alone washing-up and tidying away)? Would you call that an intelligent and mature move to make? Or would you call it setting yourself and your kitchen up for an even greater mess than need be, possibly even a pending whole-house fire like a complete thickie?
And what about your kids? What message do THEY receive about how to in future remedy the problems of a relationship?
What of your self-esteem? How pleasant is the rest of your life going to be, do you think, if forevermore, every time you look in the mirror, you get reminded you're a LOWLY CHEATER whose vows and statements of intention mean eff-all (meaning you can't even trust and believe YOURSELF, let alone other people's ability to)?
Cut the crap and cease letting yourself be weak and lazy. This new man is NEITHER your 'get out of jail free' card (nor you his) or emotional panacea. If your husband is cheating or even behaving like he is in terms of not giving a damn and refusing to help you patch up your little row-boat and recommence rowing, and you don't believe counselling works or can't be a*sed - DIVORCE HIM.
Otherwise, seek counselling for YOURSELF and be prepared to shop around and undergo sample sessions so that you find one whom *in interdependent and -reliant partnership with you*, DOES work.
And if you're wondering why I just gave you a good reality slapping despite you ended with this - "This was just more or less a one night stand wasnt it and I got used even thou I don't want to think I did. I want to believe he loved me but how can anyone after meeting only twice."? - then, it's simple: "I WANT TO".
If you were REALLY with the reality programme, you wouldn't even 'want to'.
Again, stop trying to do the lazy route via this forum and just do what's necessary to find a face-to-face counsellor you click with. Ask them on the phone what their own life experiences are and whether they have a bona fide psychotherapeutic background (rather than merely learned for two piddly years how to counsel).
Best of luck.
I hear everything you say soulmate. I went to a marriage counsellor today told her about meeting the other man she just listened and told me to think if I want to work on my marriage and I have alot to think of. I told her if the other man got in touch I might just meet him again and she said next week when I go and see her he might or might not have and what it is I want. I want to ask uour opinion soulmate if you were me. I last saw the other man on saturday. He didn't want sex but I said I just wanted to be close to him and we layed on the bef but it was me who wanted sex and then he made something to eat for us both then he got himself ready as he was meeting a friend and going away for a week with two men friends he said. He told me to keep in touch and to text him when I got home to know I got home safe. I deleted his number incase my husband wanted to check my phone and I wanted to see if the other man would text me to see if i got home but he didn't. I dont know if might of thought I only used him for sex and that's why I didn't text him so he hasnt bothered to texted me. I feel a idiot for deleting his number and im desperate to contact him and for him with me but I don't think he will. I have been on a dating site and sent him a request to look at my profile so he will contact me thats the only reason I went on there but he hasn't been on for two days. I did notice that he went on the site the day after meeting him. I just feel so stupid for feeling this way when I only met him four times and longing to touch and see him again. Do you think he didn't text me because I didn't with him or he is not interested. He said what had I done to him when I was with him and said he had been thinking of me
How dare you. What do you think I am - a "Cheating, How To" adviser?
You want to know what I think? I'll tell you, and you'd better buckle up because you've just insulted the heck out of me to the point where I'm wondering if you're even genuine.
You took a wrong ether turn. This website is for helping well-intentioned people sort out their problems in decent, upstanding, productive, mature, HUMANISTIC ways, not co-create even more mess and mayhem.
I thought you wanted advice on how to RESIST OR CEASE cheating whilst there was still time to redeem yourself, but - no. It's now obvious you presented your case as if you underneath it all were simply in two minds over whether you wanted to or even could turn your marriage around, when all along what you really wanted was help in bringing this sleazy, lying, user-player to heel so that you can jump, hassle-free, from one partner to another like some parasite on acid.
And clearly the only reason why you're now effectively CHEATING on your new counsellor is because she's not letting you abuse her insight and judgement skills to this sleazy, adulterous end, either, which is why she likewise refuses to get involved in or even entertain the ins and outs of your debauchery beyond telling you what exclusively two socially and morally DECENT choices are open to a woman of your supposed age and maturity.
How ironic that here's you, trying by your own admission in motion to dupe helpful, do-gooding people like she and I into helping you achieve Class C evil when your very 'problem' right now is that you have on your hands a Class C evil individual who's trying to DUPE AND USE *YOU*!
Like Attracts Like, whilst Opposites Attract Then Repel. Sorry, but if I were you I'd wonder where the hell my parents went wrong.
To be honest if you have been cheating on him then you have no right to complain about him working away.
Your "misdemeanour" is far far worse than his
It's like someone accidentally standing on your toe so you stab them through the heart and then say they are the horrible one!
Er....reality check needed here!